What do ISTJs want from INFJs? | INFJ Forum

What do ISTJs want from INFJs?

knight in battle

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Feb 28, 2011
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I've always thought that chance or destiny inevitably brought me to become house-mates with a ISTJ (and a couple others, whose types may be ISTP and ISFP). The reason why I became roommates with him was pretty obviously because he seemed like a trustworthy kind of person. He doesn't invite random people over to the house - in fact, he doesn't invite anyone. So far so good. Little did I know that he was such a critical/rude person; he'd literally ask me how I'm doing and do a little friendly small talk; and turn right around with an unsmiling face to critique how I've handled something in the kitchen. Then he'd go back to being the shy and unsociable guy that he is - swinging back and forth between the confident "I'm in charge of this house and am the most responsible/respectable person I know" and the "Oh, gosh, I'd better tread lightly and not disturb my roommates or make any sounds or risk socializing very much" person.

Do I care that he's reclusive? No.
Do I mind that he prefers privacy? No.
Do I mind that he is tradition minded and narrow? No.
Do I appreciate that he's a clean, responsible, and quiet person? Yes.
Are we both left-brain dominant? Yes.

So what is it that he wants? What do ISTJs want from me? And why does he keep hovering around me, when I clearly find him harsh and uninteresting to be around, and we don't communicate on the same wavelength (him insisting on traditional social values + almost absolute routine consistency compared to my changeable framework albeit usually routine life)?
(Worlds apart from my ESTJ friend, who is actually quite friendly.)
 
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I have major problems with ISTJs and get along pretty well with ESTJs. I think ISTJs just want everyone to be doing what they're supposed to---make everything spit-spot. I wish I had better advice than this because I really don't know how to handle them either.
 
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My husband is an ISTJ. There are many attributes that they all have in common, but there is also a matter of learning/maturing over time in how they relate to others (especially an INFJ). How we relate to others is something WE ALL learn over time. He will never be able to read you. If you have a problem with something, simply tell him.

In reference to what you have pointed out, be aware that ISTJs live on the surface. There are no hidden magical meanings to them. They see things at face value. If an ISTJ sees a problem with something, they want to correct it. If he tells you there is a pot missing from the kitchen ... he means: there's a pot missing from the kitchen; NOT: "you must have used that pot, got it all dirty, didn't clean it right, maybe broke it and is hiding it from me." I believe they also tend to think out loud. So where he might have said "there's a pot missing from the kitchen", he never directed it towards you to begin with ... he's merely stating an observation.

The attitude of an ISTJ can come off as arrogant or maybe like an elitist. You have to know, that this attitude is NOT their intent by any means, they don't see it. They are natural leaders and people take notice in them immediately. The issue is that if they do not talk to you, it's not b/c they think they are better than you ... it's just that they simply have nothing to say or cannot find common ground for conversation. What ever emotion is displayed by them on the surface, they have a tendency to want others to feel it. If they are excited and elated, they want you to be that way too. If they are pissed off about the issue in the kitchen, they want you to feel it too. REMEMBER, they do this unknowingly. It's just who they are.

To be quite honest, and INFJ/ISTJ roommate situation is ideal. They can make great business partners or make a great team. Both being highly organized and productive to meet an end result ... each can give each other a different point of view they might have never noticed before ... especially when it comes to dealing with conflict. INFJs tend to get too wrapped up in the hidden meaning of things that they forget things are sometimes really NOT that complicated. My husband often says to me: "You spend so much time trying to figure out the meaning of life and forget that you are living it now." It's who I am. He doesn't understand it, he's not wired to understand it ... but he has learned to respect it.

So what draws an ISTJ to an INFJ in my opinion? I can only give you an answer about love relations: Foremost, probably b/c the INFJ will never reveal their core self to anyone ... so that mysterious part of them is what keeps the ISTJ entertained and curious. I believe I know everything about my husband. He is still learning things about me after nearly 18 years of being together. I think an INFJ provides a spark to an otherwise dull routine. What does the ISTJ do for an INFJ? Foremost, they ground them emotionally and provide stability that so many of us seek. The ISTJ is dependable, loyal and honest. The main negative to an ISTJ/INFJ relationship is that an INFJ can meet all the needs of an ISTJ; however the ISTJ cannot meet the emotional needs of an INFJ (the INFJ will have to get that "feeling" from elsewhere.)
 
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where did all that stuff come from? now i know for sure that i would rather flat with the istj.

Go ahead and have fun with that. Ha. (I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy... No offense to those who have ISTJ spouses. :w: )
 
The ISTJ is dependable, loyal and honest. The main negative to an ISTJ/INFJ relationship is that an INFJ can meet all the needs of an ISTJ; however the ISTJ cannot meet the emotional needs of an INFJ (the INFJ will have to get that "feeling" from elsewhere.)

Ha. Exactly. (And if it weren't your spouse, I'd be a tad more blunt, no? :w: )
Thanks for the clarification. I will learn to read "through" that harsh, superficially self-righteous, exterior skull of his.

But honestly, the other day, he asked me (like a f***king interrogation style) to check whether I leave the heater on all day. Really? Just me? What about the other roommates? And who is he to tell me how long to keep the heater on? Is there no compromise? Is it HIS house? No. He just happens to live there, like I do. Fuck his rules.
 
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i like them a lot!

We need more talk like this. Why arent the rest of you behaving this way?

*goes back to being shy and reclusive haha*


He doesn't invite random people over to the house - in fact, he doesn't invite anyone.

lol this is so me! I hate company! Too much stress.
 
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I've always thought that chance or destiny inevitably brought me to become house-mates with a ISTJ (and a couple others, whose types may be ISTP and ISFP). The reason why I became roommates with him was pretty obviously because he seemed like a trustworthy kind of person. He doesn't invite random people over to the house - in fact, he doesn't invite anyone. So far so good. Little did I know that he was such a critical/rude person; he'd literally ask me how I'm doing and do a little friendly small talk; and turn right around with an unsmiling face to critique how I've handled something in the kitchen. Then he'd go back to being the shy and unsociable guy that he is - swinging back and forth between the confident "I'm in charge of this house and am the most responsible/respectable person I know" and the "Oh, gosh, I'd better tread lightly and not disturb my roommates or make any sounds or risk socializing very much" person.

Do I care that he's reclusive? No.
Do I mind that he prefers privacy? No.
Do I mind that he is tradition minded and narrow? No.
Do I appreciate that he's a clean, responsible, and quiet person? Yes.
Are we both left-brain dominant? Yes.

So what is it that he wants? What do ISTJs want from me? And why does he keep hovering around me, when I clearly find him harsh and uninteresting to be around, and we don't communicate on the same wavelength (him insisting on traditional social values + almost absolute routine consistency compared to my changeable framework albeit usually routine life)?
(Worlds apart from my ESTJ friend, who is actually quite friendly.)

What was his answer when you asked him?
 
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We need more talk like this. Why arent the rest of you behaving this way?

*goes back to being shy and reclusive haha*

I like ISTJs as friends, and they make great bully repellent :).
 
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Ha. Exactly. (And if it weren't your spouse, I'd be a tad more blunt, no? :w: )
Thanks for the clarification. I will learn to read "through" that harsh, superficially self-righteous, exterior skull of his.

But honestly, the other day, he asked me (like a f***king interrogation style) to check whether I leave the heater on all day. Really? Just me? What about the other roommates? And who is he to tell me how long to keep the heater on? Is there no compromise? Is it HIS house? No. He just happens to live there, like I do. Fuck his rules.

Your reply should have been: "Yes" or "No". Then walk away. :D
 
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I don't really see anything wrong here.

People who are direct are nice.
And I can appreciate it when someone thinks a bit different, it makes them great to have discussions with.

However, I might not appreciate the interrogating depending on the subject.
 
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Whom? Whom do you "like a lot"? The humorless ISTJs? The ones who thumb their noses down at me because of their "mature" superiority??

They don't do it. What you always need to realize is that your insecurities are feeding your insecurities. This is something you learn sometime in maturity. The energy you project is the energy you will receive .. no matter the person, situation ... everything. I cannot tell you this enough ... it should almost be the first rule of "living" for human beings.
 
They don't do it. What you always need to realize is that your insecurities are feeding your insecurities. This is something you learn sometime in maturity. The energy you project is the energy you will receive .. no matter the person, situation ... everything. I cannot tell you this enough ... it should almost be the first rule of "living" for human beings.

I find this to be good advice to give to a person who's been having problems interacting with others.

I've found out that a lot comes down on how you show yourself, through body language, tonation, the way you're speaking, ...
 
Whom? Whom do you "like a lot"? The humorless ISTJs? The ones who thumb their noses down at me because of their "mature" superiority??

I see why he treats you this way. Cause you act like a little cry baby and you need to get some spine and humor in your life. Hes going to make sure you develop it or you die trying. Id be the same way.
 
I like ISTJs a lot. They are direct and to the point and it's refreshing sometimes to deal with someone on a surface level and to give yourself a rest from over analyzing things. I find ISTJ's have a calming effect on me. Maybe because my mother is ISTJ. I've just learned how to navigate their personalities a bit more.
 
lol this is so me! I hate company! Too much stress.

Fair enough. This is one thing I appreciate about my ISTJ roommate, as I am very selective about who I invite. Even when I do invite someone over, I rarely allow situations where the guest would disturb the current inhabitants. ... Curiously, though, whenever I invite someone over, my ISTJ roommate would always look like he's trying to befriend that person, albeit in a very low-key, squeamish way. Why won't he invite anyone over himself if he wants company? I dunno.
 
This isn't on topic, but the way in which you describe your roommate leaves me with the impression that if only you (possibly the other roommates aswell?) would take more concern about the responsibilities of the apartment, then you'd both get along much better and the tension between you two would lighten.

Yeah, this is actually the conclusion I've come to as well... several weeks ago. But I've decided that I'll parry his acts of emotional violence until I find the emotional/social resilience to actually get the roommates together for this.

The problem is that I may want to move, and if I do, then such concerns aren't worth my effort.