What defines leading someone on? Or being a flirt? And do INFJs do that? | INFJ Forum

What defines leading someone on? Or being a flirt? And do INFJs do that?

jupiterswoon

jupiterswoon

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Mar 30, 2012
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Do INFJs have a tendency to lead people on? I have read other posts that indicate that in part because INFJs are so friendly, that often times people will misread that warmth. But is it possible to be friends with the opposite sex without leading them on?

This is a quote from the Personality Cafe:

"If a man finds a woman attractive and she pays attention to him on a reoccurring basis he will still think there is a possible opportunity there. Otherwise, why else would she be talking to him?! It doesn't matter what disinterest she may have communicated to him 3 years ago, 2 months ago or 1 week ago. Most certainly it doesn't even matter if the strictly platonic line has never been crossed. In that case, you are still a land yet to be conquered.

When a man says, "No man could ever just be friends with a woman." He knows there is undeniable truth in that statement.

So indeed, yes it has happened to me many times. The only thing you can do is be completely honest with the guy (in this case - over and over again). Beyond that - the only way to shut him down is to express your desires for a guy you just met, or a guy you will be going on a date with...treat him as you would a girlfriend. Always thank him for being a good friend; you appreciate him for his male point of view and ability to hang out together with no relationship pressures."

It makes me sad that guys seem so easily effected by being given attention. I do make eye contact with people, and I do smile, and I will act interested in what they are saying, if I am interested. I am a curious person, and have a tendency to ask a lot of questions. I like having guy friends, but all of the guy friends I had didn't turn out to be real friends.

The whole notion that guys just want to fuck every girl they are friends with makes me feel really jaded and cynical.

I prefer to look at people as whole, who they are, their history, and why they do and think the way they do.
 
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It doesn't have a whole lot to do with type. But yeah, it's just life. And as women, we honestly shouldn't complain. It sucks and is disappointing to pretty much only be able to make straight male friends with semi-impure intentions at best, but on the other hand, males in society platonically are still expected to constantly "man up" and to do all sorts of gender-biased things like making sure their female friends are driven home safe, are comfortable, etc. And who doesn't want to be secretly lusted after by others? And who doesn't want the companionship of an attractive person? Don't even bother playing dumb about it; it's a game we all, both men and women, undeniably play, and that's just the price we have to pay for it.
 
niffer said:
It doesn't have a whole lot to do with type. But yeah, it's just life. And as women, we honestly shouldn't complain. It sucks and is disappointing to pretty much only be able to make straight male friends with semi-impure intentions at best, but on the other hand, males in society platonically are still expected to constantly "man up" and to do all sorts of gender-biased things like making sure their female friends are driven home safe, are comfortable, etc. And who doesn't want to be secretly lusted after by others? And who doesn't want the companionship of an attractive person? Don't even bother playing dumb about it; it's a game we all, both men and women, undeniably play, and that's just the price we have to pay for it.
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I agree with you Niffer. I am done playing dumb, and willingly keep my eyes open now when interacting with the opposite sex, I make sure not to put off the wrong signals, and to not make eye contact for too long, or laugh too much, or respond too much. It just ends up feeling like I have to shut down part of my personality when I am in group situations, because it is so natural for me to be friendly and engaging. But I guess it gets easier to do after time. Some people I might think are interesting, but I can tell that they don't want to be my friend in a normal kind of way.

Also, you're right, it doesn't have to do with type.
 
jupiterswoon said:
I agree with you Niffer. I am done playing dumb, and willingly keep my eyes open now when interacting with the opposite sex, I make sure not to put off the wrong signals, and to not make eye contact for too long, or laugh too much, or respond too much. It just ends up feeling like I have to shut down part of my personality when I am in group situations, because it is so natural for me to be friendly and engaging. But I guess it gets easier to do after time. Some people I might think are interesting, but I can tell that they don't want to be my friend in a normal kind of way.

Also, you're right, it doesn't have to do with type.
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I agree that it makes things hard/awkward.

One thing I DO think INFJs may be a bit more prone to is being more naive about this stuff. I say this because I see male INFJs get screwed over romantically in similar ways. It's the combination of being oblivious and idealistic.
 
niffer said:
I agree that it makes things hard/awkward.

One thing I DO think INFJs may be a bit more prone to is being more naive about this stuff. I say this because I see male INFJs get screwed over romantically in similar ways. It's the combination of being oblivious and idealistic.
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Yeah it's definitely a mixture of idealism and lack of awareness.
 
My idealism says that men and women can just be friends, but it is not so simple as it seems. I've been married for ten years in May and I have a few friends that are women. Sometimes I find myself being slightly attracted to them, but it is confusing because I don't want a physical relationship with them, nor do they with me. I'm sure they are sometimes attracted to me as well. It is obvious to us that anything more would not be possible. I think it is something to be mindful of when being friends with members of the opposite sex, that chemical signals can get mixed up sometimes. This is where the maturity of the individuals involved is important. Most of these attractions are brief and infrequent and pass rather quickly. This is just part of human nature. People just need to be able to control their desires and not be ruled by them. Often, friendships are worth far too much to risk losing to sexual temptations. Men do realize that something important can be lost once sex is involved. It is just sometimes people confuse interest with an intent to commit to something more, such as a deeper relationship, or having sex.

I wouldn't worry about not being successful having male friends that don't want more than friendship from you in the end. At some point you will have some. I think this becomes easier once people are married or in intimate relations with others, which help intentions become clearer. It is true that many males form shallow relationships with females with the hope that they will be able to score with them at a later time, but I think it is a mistake to assume all males are like this. In my experience women are also guilty of making it seem that all they want from a male is a friendship, when sometimes they form male friendships to test the waters in case their current relationship turns sour or to see if there is anything worthwhile in the male their interested in.

If all else fails, just start burping and farting in front of your male friends. Then they'll see you as just one of the guys.
 
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Great question.

I have been at both ends of this argument. In the past the women I thought were interested in me have turned out not to be while the ones I did not think were, were.

Inherently, if a guy finds a woman at all attractive, he will entertain the notion of sex with her at some point, life time friend or not. Biology plays no favorites in this. However I believe its possible to actually be friends in some cases though they be few.

At work, my last REAL job, there was this woman I liked from a friend perspective. I found her attractive and yet I did not entertain the idea of sex with her primarily because she had an STD and kids from two different husbands. I guess I subconsciously decided I did not want to get involved at that level but found her to be pleasant to talk to. We worked fairly close together. Up until about a week before we were all let go, I had no idea she had any "interest" in me. When I found out I was actually sad because I knew what it likely meant and I turned out to be right. She had no intention of remaining my friend once she "let on" she liked me.

Biology just gets in the way almost every-time. The fact it is so powerful is one of the reasons our species thrives.

My two cents.

PS I guess I cant say all guys are like this but I have reason to suspect its more widespread than not.
 
You know I never had a sister. I can see that there would be great benefit in having one.
 
I’m with Jimmers on this one, there are quite a few guys that really don’t care to invest in friendship or the like (without the possibility of sex), but you’ll also run into guys who: don’t care to pursue a sexual relationship, are already in committed relationships, or just seeking earnest friendship/companionship.

These can be intertwined states (of course), the point is that you can find guys who simply have sincere intentions to befriend you (it just won’t be common).

Biology is your biggest problem here, some guys (or girls) find it hard not to act/pursue upon physical attraction (or chemistry) ~ this really isn’t the case for all people.. so try not to let it color your perception of an entire gender negatively. I don’t find anything wrong with being wary, we should use our given/granted experience and knowledge appropriately… but try not to be overly cynical and/or closed off (you may lose out on a good friend).

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]
For me having a sister never really turned into a special friendship or even being helpful in regards to understanding gender differences..she's just another female family member, one I had/have very little in common with. We've been a bit closer as we've aged and matured (we argue less and talk more), but having siblings doesn't necessarily yield any particular benefits.

The grass is always greener ~
 
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It seems like infj s are attracted to the underdog so I think when those type of people get attention they are gonna latch on.

idk women seem to really want men around, but not around inside of them. Its a shame.
 
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You know, being a lesbian I can't say that I agree with the whole, "men just wanna fuck" thing. I have a bunch of guy friends, more so than female friends, and I don't believe it's because they secretly want to fuck me. In fact I know that it's not. Most all of them I know would at the drop of a hat, if I asked them to, but there are those who see me in a completely platonic sister type way too.

Now being on the other side of that, wanting to fuck certain women, playing the game in order to get there and later being told by them, "I'm tired of everyone just wanting to fuck me and not be my friend!" Chicks gotta listen to themselves when they say shit like that. I don't want to be their friend for a reason, I think they're shitty people. I'll fuck em, sure! But friendship makes me cringe, because they make me cringe. I don't believe that men and women can't be friends. I believe it's harder -MAYBE impossible- for men and women to be friends when they're sexually attracted to each other. I think it's easy as fuck when their both not, and those are pretty great friendships.
 
[MENTION=5301]jupiterswoon[/MENTION]

I have had many males friends throughout the years (I get along with them better). On my end, they were my friends. On their end, they played the friend role until they could find an opportunity to make it more. And I am not trying to knock men. Girls are just as guilty of doing the same thing. I always knew that men did not go out of their way to befriend me because they thought I was nice (I'm usually not). They do it because I'm hot and they are waiting patiently to be next in line.

I know the game pretty well, so now that I am married, I avoid taking up friendships with men. I did make friends with this guy a couple of years ago (at work) thinking that was at least safe, and he still ended up trying to make the moves. Just because we got along great, he thought that I was into him like that. So smiling and being nice does give off the wrong impression, in my opinion.

Not every situation is the same, but...

There is usually a predictable outcome.
 
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I have tons of friends that are guys - single and not single....If I believed they all thought I was attractive and wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with me, then I would have so much more confidence in my womanly abilities! haha

I think you can appreciate the beauty of someone - I do with my male and female friends - but still just be friends, and only want friendship. I also think that you shouldn't have to no be yourself or be nice to someone for the fear that they'll think you're interested in them. I'm nice to everyone - and I don't want to change that...however, there is a difference between being nice and friendly, and flirting and coming onto someone. If I think someone is getting the wrong impression of me, I make sure I clear it up- because you don't want to lead someone on...but you should still be able to be nice to them.

I gotta say, I actually agree with [MENTION=731]the[/MENTION] ...being nice with everyone does come back to bite you....people who are needy, regardless of if there are sexual desires there, will misinterpret your intentions.
 
the said:
It seems like infj s are attracted to the underdog so I think when those type of people get attention they are gonna latch on.

idk women seem to really want men around, but not around inside of them. Its a shame.
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In what sense are INFJs attracted to the underdog ? To help them or what?
 
When a man says, "No man could ever just be friends with a woman." He knows there is undeniable truth in that statement.
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In my opinion, this is surely not true. I suppose these kind of things happen when we are young and immature. But I certainly know male and females that are good friends, and to be attracted to each other, or having such interests, is not even thinkable to them. I mean, they just consider it silly.
 
I have female friends and I have no interest in sleeping/being with them. We are just friends. I have female friends that I would like to get closer to! Rawr, purr.

I'm sure you women are in the same situation. How many times have you been the one who wishes there was something more between you and some guy you know?

I think that statement should read: no person could ever be just friends to someone they're seriously attracted to.
 
LucyJr said:
In what sense are INFJs attracted to the underdog ? To help them or what?
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It's just a trend I've noticed on the forum.
 
i think a little bit of flirting is OK in social interactions, even polite - it doesnt mean you want a sexual interaction or relationship, and i think any properly grown up person who doesnt have personal security problems would recognise that. i flirt with straight guys who are colleagues in my workplace, and they flirt back, its not harassment, its a harmless way to pass the time and doesnt mean a damn thing. i think that people who are unable to be friends with members of the sex or gender they are attracted to are emotionally immature and have poorly developed social boundaries. its pathetic that their recognition of another separate individual cant get past the level of sexuality. sometimes when i meet men socially through mutual friends and shake hands with them they hold onto my hand and look deep into my eyes in this intense and deliberate way that makes it clear that they see me as a sexual opportunity and it really annoys me, i think they need to grow up.
 
[MENTION=6303]Jimmers[/MENTION] pretty much nailed it with his post there isn't that much for me to say. I have female friends I like too much as people to ever try to pursue something with them. Most of them I think are good looking, but I don't lust for them sexually, it's weird, I can't explain it.

If I were a woman, I would be suspicious as hell of any man who wanted to befriend me though.
 
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