[INFJ] we broke up.. was it a right choice?

[BlackHorse]

Hello. I would like to share my story with you all. Thanks if u will read it
So I (23, INFJ) broke up with my bf (27,INFJ) yesterday (9.10). - more about that later
We've been together for almost 3 years but i just couldnt do it anymore. I usually dont give up on people, i push them to be their best self but this relationship completely killed me. His behaviour has been super weird last year. Few examples:
1. We had an argument and he shouted he cant wait till he leaves and doesnt see me anymore (we were long distance and we saw each other once a month or few months for a couple of days - 500 km apart)
2. Out of nowhere he says he doesnt love me anymore and only as friend and i should get my stuff and go - he said it in a pretty calming way. I didnt cry, we talked a bit and after an hour or so he said he's sorry and that i mean the world to him.
3. Ignored me for 5 days or more for at least 3 times when we have an argument (on phone)
There are a lot of examples like that and i get it, im not an ''easy'' person to have conversations with, but saying he doesnt love me kinda broke me. I could never trust him completely after that (that was couple of months ago). I never know when his next rage or saddnes will be and will wanna break up wih me again. I cant live like that.
So when i told him i cant do it anymore he packed my stuff and sent them via mail in 20 min. He deleted messenger and okay i had my moment of crying my soul out but then i was fine. And in the morining i see 10 messeges sent at 1am. He said he's sorry, and i never gave up on him when he was ''acting out'' and now all of a sudden we're over?? He loves me more than anything, and im rude for breaking up over the phone (i understand that but i just cant see him atm, not before i heal a bit, also i dont think so i could do it in person, i NEVER said anyhting hutful to him before), that he wishes he would never have met me.. basically stuff that only makes me more sad.
Let me say that he suffered from anxiety and depression and i think he never got out of it completely, he was constantly changing jobs, deciding what he wants (he still doesnt know), one moment he loves me completely, the other he wants to break up with me. And its been like that for too long, i've been feeling my 6th sense telling me to let go, as soon as i did i felt relieved (as well as super sad)
Was it even right to break up with him? What do you guys think?
Thank you so much again if you read the story, if u wanna know some details i will gladly tell more, im sure i forgot half the stuff...
(sorry for bad english and grammar, im typing super fast).

 

[Ren]

Hi @BlackHorse,

First of all, I hope you're feeling okay. It must have taken a lot of courage to break up and the event is so recent that it's probably still in your thoughts a lot.

I don't think anyone here has the power to tell you whether it was right or not to break up with him. It's really a matter of what your gut told you, and to me it sounds like you acted in accordance with what you felt you needed to do. It seems clear that the relationship had become harrowing and a great source of stress and anxiety for you.

Based on what you shared here, my opinion is that you were right to break up and his reaction has not been very mature, it only confirms that your decision was a good one.

You deserve someone who genuinely makes you happy.

 

[BritNi]

I agree with @Ren .

I'll add:

If you felt relief after breaking up, it's my opinion that it was a good choice.

No relationship is better than a dysfunctional relationship. If it generates more negativity than positivity, then it's going to be unhealthy for multiple reasons. If a couple cannot communicate rationally and respectfully with one another (especially after three years), then it's my opinion it's best to go separate ways.

Being in a toxic relationship only eats at your happiness. You deserve to be happy.

Put your mental/emotional health first. Focus on you. Be healthy. Be happy. Dance. Sing. Do whatever makes you smile and keeps you sane.

 

[BlackHorse]

I agree with @Ren .

I'll add:

If you felt relief after breaking up, it's my opinion that it was a good choice.

No relationship is better than a dysfunctional relationship. If it generates more negativity than positivity, then it's going to be unhealthy for multiple reasons. If a couple cannot communicate rationally and respectfully with one another (especially after three years), then it's my opinion it's best to go separate ways.

Being in a toxic relationship only eats at your happiness. You deserve to be happy.

Put your mental/emotional health first. Focus on you. Be healthy. Be happy. Dance. Sing. Do whatever makes you smile and keeps you sane.

Thank you so much for kind words. I know it's the right choice but i feel like I did something wrong when he says I just left him and gave up.
I had to give up. We had fun times together but as u guys said, we kinda didn't talk respectfully with each other. We were constantly putting out our flaws and made fun of each other. His mood swings and constant change of mind made me insane. I know we had to break up and he needs time to heal and find himself again.
I just needed to tell the story to someone
Also I feel so weird being happy right now. But I am.. I feel free. Hopefully it says like that.

 

[BritNi]

Thank you so much for kind words. I know it's the right choice but i feel like I did something wrong when he says I just left him and gave up.
I had to give up. We had fun times together but as u guys said, we kinda didn't talk respectfully with each other. We were constantly putting out our flaws and made fun of each other. His mood swings and constant change of mind made me insane. I know we had to break up and he needs time to heal and find himself again.
I just needed to tell the story to someone
Also I feel so weird being happy right now. But I am.. I feel free. Hopefully it says like that.

I'm glad you were able to vent it out. Hopefully you take something with you that helps.

It sounds like each of you need time to heal and find yourselves, like you said. Happiness isn't found within another before it's found within ourself.

Even in the most civil of break ups, there's most often going to be someone making the other out to be the good guy or bad guy. It comes down to displacement of guilt, and it doesn't solve or change anything.

It's best just to ignore all that and just move on. If you've decided it's over, then space yourself. That's the only way it will stay like that.

Block the negativity. If you continue to listen to it and be affected by it, then really, you're still in the same, toxic relationship, aren't you?

Heh. You're INFJ? You know what a door slam is then? Lolol

Good luck! I wish you the best.

 

[BlackHorse]

I'm glad you were able to vent it out. Hopefully you take something with you that helps.

It sounds like each of you need time to heal and find yourselves, like you said. Happiness isn't found within another before it's found within yourself.

Even in the most civil of break ups, there's most often going to be someone making the other out to be the good guy or bad guy. It comes down to guilt and guilt-trips, and it doesn't solve or change anything.

It's best just to ignore all that and just move on. If you've decided it's over, then space yourself. That's the only way it will stay like that.

Heh. You're INFJ? You know what a door slam is then? Lol

Block the negativity. If you continue to listen to it and be affected by it, then really, you're still in the same, toxic relationship, aren't you?


Good luck! I wish you the best.

Thanks, yes we said goodbye and i ignored him on messenger (in case he writes again) because i just need to not hear from him atm. Eventually we could maybe talk but not now. I know its both of our fault, lots of people also told me im hard to handle and stubborn. I also have a 6th sense that i know i have to listen and i react to it and do almost everything based to it so it makes stuff hard to explain.
Also we talk in english (we dont understand each others mother languages) so it made explanations even harder, also arguments were never fully solved, at least i felt this way.

And yes i've heard about famous infj doorslam, when you just shut someout out completely? I dont know if i ever did that tho, i was always scared to tell people i dont like them and even harder to just block or ignore them. With this bf it was 1st time ever telling someone i wanna break up or never see them again. But yes if he would continue to write me and not leave me alone i probably would shut him out. I've done multiple personality tests and im always 100% infj -t. Idk its both a blessing and a curse.

What i also wanted to ask thats been crossing my mind. Does anyone believe in soulmates? like actual twin flame and connection with a person u dont have with anyone else? I've met this person long before i met my ex. But he didnt share my feelings and then i met this ex and i never heard from this friend again. I loved all my bfs but i never felt like this before and through my whole relationship i havent forgotten about him. But he's a completely different story. I also dont think i could write him after all this time, even tho we were close friends for about 4 years.
As u can tell, i need too vent some more

 

[BritNi]

What i also wanted to ask thats been crossing my mind. Does anyone believe in soulmates? like actual twin flame and connection with a person u dont have with anyone else? I've met this person long before i met my ex. But he didnt share my feelings and then i met this ex and i never heard from this friend again. I loved all my bfs but i never felt like this before and through my whole relationship i havent forgotten about him. But he's a completely different story. I also dont think i could write him after all this time, even tho we were close friends for about 4 years.
As u can tell, i need too vent some more

There is a recent thread here:

https://www.infjs.com/threads/twin-flames-has-anyone-met-theirs.36728/


Another here:
https://www.infjs.com/threads/soul-mates-twin-flames.32326/

 

[Asa]

@BlackHorse Hello. I'm so sorry you are going through this and hurting. As others pointed out, nobody can tell you if it was the right decision to end the relationship. I will say that it may feel like the end of the world or like you are dying, but that will pass and you will move on to new experiences and new love.


Personal problems (like depression) aside, it is "normal" for men to have emotional outbursts and say things they claim they don't mean when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Sit down with a group of middle-aged or senior women who have a lifetime of relationships behind them and they will all nod along and agree that this is "how men are". (Not all men, but a high percentage.) I'm not making excuses, just saying it is the nature of the beast. Don't get me wrong, I love men and I'm sympathetic about why I think so many of them are this way. I'm just warning you to buckle up because chances are that you will experience this moodiness with many men you date in the future.

Long-distance relationships are tough. You can't truly know someone unless you know them under all the different circumstances life throws at us. There is a lot of room to idealize people at a distance, and the facets of people that make them harder to love don't show. We all have faults, different ways of handling stress, and different annoying habits and you don't see that when you aren't with a person daily. That's why the old saying exists, "Fall in love with a person's faults." Over time it is the faults that grate on us, despite everything about the person that we love.

About your 6th sense: Listen to your intuition. It is a tool.

 

[BlackHorse]

@BlackHorse Hello. I'm so sorry you are going through this and hurting. As others pointed out, nobody can tell you if it was the right decision to end the relationship. I will say that it may feel like the end of the world or like you are dying, but that will pass and you will move on to new experiences and new love.


Personal problems (like depression) aside, it is "normal" for men to have emotional outbursts and say things they claim they don't mean when they are feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Sit down with a group of middle-aged or senior women who have a lifetime of relationships behind them and they will all nod along and agree that this is "how men are". (Not all men, but a high percentage.) I'm not making excuses, just saying it is the nature of the beast. Don't get me wrong, I love men and I'm sympathetic about why I think so many of them are this way. I'm just warning you to buckle up because chances are that you will experience this moodiness with many men you date in the future.

Long-distance relationships are tough. You can't truly know someone unless you know them under all the different circumstances life throws at us. There is a lot of room to idealize people at a distance, and the facets of people that make them harder to love don't show. We all have faults, different ways of handling stress, and different annoying habits and you don't see that when you aren't with a person daily. That's why the old saying exists, "Fall in love with a person's faults." Over time it is the faults that grate on us, despite everything about the person that we love.

About your 6th sense: Listen to your intuition. It is a tool.

I agree about moodiness of men. And i cant tolerate many stuff, many mean words, what i cant stand is telling me he doesnt love me anymore and he was convincing me we should break up until something switched and he started crying and completely changed his mind. And i told him i dont care if you call me an idiot or anything like that, but hes just going too far with it. Everytime we have an argument he ended it with ''we should probably break up'' acting completely serious, not even yelling and it just freaks me out. Once i couldnt trust him anymore i knew it was over.
My ex few years ago was the same with moodiness, he yelled, he cursed but never said he doesnt love me anymore. Idk its just a game changer for me.
Also depression is still big part of him, making him unsure about his life and unsure about me. And with this i just cant move 500km to live with him.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Everytime we have an argument he ended it with ''we should probably break up'' acting completely serious, not even yelling and it just freaks me out.

Here's what this is (or might be):

He's allowing you to 'take the reins' of the relationship; he's testing your committment, and everytime you say 'no, I don't want to break up', he is secretly reassured.

Don't get me wrong, if you agreed with him at this point he would absolutely follow through with it and break up with you, but in those moments he's placing all of the relationship control in your hands. It becomes a free floating thing.

 

[Impact Character]

Here's what this is (or might be):

He's allowing you to 'take the reins' of the relationship; he's testing your committment, and everytime you say 'no, I don't want to break up', he is secretly reassured.

Don't get me wrong, if you agreed with him at this point he would absolutely follow through with it and break up with you, but in those moments he's placing all of the relationship control in your hands. It becomes a free floating thing.

Aw man, but even if it were this.. it really sounds like patterns were on rewind over and over, making the situation turn into something unbearable for all involved.


Sometimes when we get stuck in a realtionship the best thing you can do is stop rewinding, and bring some real change into a situation even if it's sad or seems like it writes future. But it's letting go of control and letting go of what and who you love, and instead care for oneself for it has probably been on hold for too long.

Sending lots of Agape and strength to you! @BlackHorse Things very probably get better from here..

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Aw man, but even if it were this.. it really sounds like patterns were on rewind over and over, making the situation turn into something unbearable for all involved.


Sometimes when we get stuck in a realtionship the best thing you can do is stop rewinding, and bring some real change into a situation even if it's sad or seems like it writes future. But it's letting go of control and letting go of what and who you love, and instead care for oneself for it has probably been on hold for too long.

Sending lots of Agape and strength to you! @BlackHorse Things very probably get better from here..

This is very good advice, IC.

 

[Impact Character]

This is very good advice, IC.

Thanks, Hos.

I like your hypothesis, too. It's still sad, though. It kind of makes me think that the low Ti kicked in over Fe if he is a deeply depressed INFJ..

 

[Morticia D]

What else do you need to know?
Everyone has issues and baggage. No one is perfect. The question is if the person is aware of, and believes that their behavior can, or needs to be changed. Or if you can live with so-called issues and imperfections, and the other person can live with yours.

Sounds like a crazy train that you needed to get off of. Keep moving forward and don't look back.

 

[BlackHorse]

Okay im not following and not really understanding your advice @Impact Character. What do you mean by bring some real change?
I do agree with him wanting me to take the reins, i also feel like i have to be ''dominant'' in the relationship, what im 100% NOT. I fell in love with him because he understood me, which is rare for me so i completely ignored everything else.

 

[BlackHorse]

thanks @Morticia D. I do understand accepting someones imperfections, thats what i've been trying to do for the past 3 years, i kept telling myself that things will get better, that i need to be better. We are both nice people just truly not meant to be together.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

i also feel like i have to be ''dominant'' in the relationship, what im 100% NOT.

Hmm, really?

I read it as the outburst of a man who was normally dominant but sought reassurance through a 'threat' to leave - a human need masked by indifference.

 

[Impact Character]

Okay im not following and not really understanding your advice @Impact Character. What do you mean by bring some real change?
I do agree with him wanting me to take the reins, i also feel like i have to be ''dominant'' in the relationship, what im 100% NOT. I fell in love with him because he understood me, which is rare for me so i completely ignored everything else.

Oh, sorry. I meant it supportive as for example, stopping the circle (like breaking up or pause) and do something else (like taking care of yourself, charge batteries, getting a better look from some other place onto the situation you were stuck in).

 

[BlackHorse]

@Deleted member 16771 yeah i felt i needed to be 'more' dominant. When he said that we need to break up i never responed with 'oh i would never leave you, i love you so much' because i knew thats excatly what he wanted to hear and i wanted to continue resolving arguments (what he didnt really like). Also when he tried new stuff (chess for example) i would 100% have to support him, never give him any critique but only telling him how good and amazing he is. When he lost his 1st match, he immediatly quit and try to find something else. He needed to succeed immediatly or he gave up.

@Impact Character oh yeah thanks i get it now. My 1st choice at the beggining was actually taking a break (work on ourselves for a few weeks or months), he just decided okay lets break up and sent me all my stuff. He was probably hoping i would crash and say nono i dont wanna break up, i still love you etc.. but i just went with it.

 

[Impact Character]

@Impact Character oh yeah thanks i get it now. My 1st choice at the beggining was actually taking a break (work on ourselves for a few weeks or months), he just decided okay lets break up and sent me all my stuff. He was probably hoping i would crash and say nono i dont wanna break up, i still love you etc.. but i just went with it.

It's so so okay that you did.. Everyone needs to be allowed to make their decissions at the end of the day and deal with it, right? And we all kind of only carry as much as possible before we just can't do so anymore.