Unconditional love | INFJ Forum

Unconditional love

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Siamese cat, May 8, 2010.

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  1. Siamese cat

    Siamese cat Madame Cat strikes again

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    I've read an article written by a psychologist that said that unconditional love exists mostly between parents and children, and that showing too much of unconditional love can make a child spoiled as opposed to one that had little or none unconditional love from parents and therefore is prone to feeling insecure. This implies that parents although they feel unconditional love to their children often mask it in order to teach their children discipline, manners and such.



    Now, I'm interested to see what you think about this, and also what do you think about the term unconditional love? Do you think that that kind of love should be present in romantic relationships? How do you define that term? Do you yourself feel that unconditional love towards anyone, and how do you show it to them?

    Lots of questions, I know, but I'm a curious person. :D
     
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  2. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Unconditional love, my god.

    Thank you Siamese cat.
    Let me tell about this subject freely. Well, i believe there are two types of relationship and they can make unconditional love.

    1. Mother-son
    2. Husband-wife

    for first, you all know you have blood relationship with your mother and one thing is obvious that mother will always take care of his/her child, no matter how bad/good he/she is.

    Second case, husband/wife meets each other in their life, when they spend 1/4 part of their life. though they understand each other, respect each other and also make efforts to understand this concept.

    :smile:
     
  3. That Girl

    That Girl Do you have my answers?
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    To me, for something to be unconditional it has to be in every instance all the time. I will love you no matter what you do for all time/I will do anything for you. I don't think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship or very honest. It's impossible to say that you'll love someone regardless of what they'll do (I can't speak for children, as I don't have any) or that you'll do anything for them. What if they go off and kill someone? Are you still going to love them? An extreme example, I agree, but the point is the same. Isn't there only so much you can take before you aren't going to love that other person anymore and is letting them know there is a point really a bad thing?
    I feel deep love towards people, especially my family, but I don't think I would do anything for them. I would do a lot but there are limits to how much I'm willing to do and how much I can do.
     
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  4. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    I said before that I love my parents unconditionally, but I think I was wrong. I think I was over-idealizing again. I believe unconditional is a romantic notion. I believe it is a side-effect of a certain psychological state. As long as you are in that psychological state then it exists as real. If you change that state then it changes as well. Don't ask me what exactly that state is because I don't know yet.

    I think with children it is really discipline vs doing the easy thing. It is easier to hug your child and let them do anything they want, but it is arguably better to their development if you challenge them. So with the child's potential mental abilities/perspectives/development at stake, which is actually more loving?

    Of course, being ignorant and on the extreme of one side or the other is more detrimental than anything else.

    Depends on how you define love too. So many like to simply call it an emotion. I have always viewed emotions as an after-effect of how your mind is trained to think/respond to things. If you say something enough times you begin to believe it. If you did start to believe it then that alters your emotional reaction set as opposed to your prior beliefs, right? I don't believe love has anything to do with emotions. I believe it is more fundamental to our underlying need for social commitment, procreation, various aspects of support/survival. Emotions radiate off of those values we have and how they are impacted by another individual.

    So if you say that love is an intense set of emotions, then yes, you could see love as unconditional because you will always feel strong emotions one way or another based on recollections of past experiences. If you define it as a pact to one another to assist in various aspects of survival (Societal, emotional, physical, resourceful, procreational, etc.) then that changes things quite a bit.
     
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  5. INTJMom

    INTJMom Community Member

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    That kind of unconditional love is not true unconditional love. To only be positive toward a child all the time is foolishness. My sister (INFP) raises her kids that way. She thinks if you don't use any "negative" in their life, the children won't do anything to deserve punishment. She is of the "school" that children are a blank slate upon which we write everything.

    I am of the school that babies are not born with a blank slate. It astounds me how much we inherit in our DNA. My sister's children are just as capable of lying, cheating, stealing and doing harm to another person as my children are. But HER children don't get punished for it. She has never listened to me, so I have always had to take comfort in the fact that someday, I will be proven right.

    But as I said at first, the behavior they describe is not true unconditional love. True unconditional love does what is BEST for the other person, even if it might hurt them. That includes allowing them to suffer the consequences of their poor choices. True unconditional love is usually self-sacrificing. It puts the other person before one's own selfish desires.

    A very good, although partial description of unconditional love is here:

    Love is patient and kind;
    love does not envy or boast;
    it is not arrogant or rude.
    It does not insist on its own way;
    it is not irritable or resentful;
    it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
    Love bears all things, believes all things,
    hopes all things, endures all things.
    Love never ends.

    ~~~
    from the Holy Bible ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV


    I believe that if I TRULY unconditionally love my children, that means that I am not going to reject them when they do something to displease me. I might have to hand out some punishment for what they did to teach them right from wrong, yet still love and accept them as a person. Yet here again is another foundational belief I live by that is being eroded away by the culture. I believe in teaching my children right from wrong, but our schools teach that there is no such thing as right and wrong. The whole thing unravels from there.

    We'll find out who was right in the end.
     
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  6. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

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    I have kids and I love them unconditionally. I make no apologies whatsoever for this, and I think the psychologist has it slightly wrong (unless I am misunderstanding). Unconditional love is a love that does not rely on certain conditions to exist...it exists on it's own, and yes, it does happen between parent and child. However, that most certainly does not mean that it is about spoiling a child...that is rediculous. A parent has unconditional love, and their job is to train/teach the child out of that love. It is a great setup for training so that a child can make mistakes, question, and learn in a safe environment so that when they encounter the world (which does not have unconditional love) they will be interiorly prepared. Spoiling a child is not giving them the training they need, is it? They need to learn about proportion, about responsibility, and the self-respect that comes from contributing to the family/society. When this happens in an environment of unconditional love, the child learns ultimately, not that they are not the center of the universe, but that they are in fact good, and lovable, and valued as an individual. In short, unconditional love does provides for discipline, training, and the lessons of life, but in an environment of caring, nurturing, and instruction. Spoiling a child is not about real love, that is a half-baked imitation.
     
    #6 randomsomeone, May 8, 2010
    Last edited: May 8, 2010
  7. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
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    Epigenetics may be a fairly fascinating look for you, if you haven't already studied it.

    This vid blows my mind! http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1128045835761675934#

    Discusses just how much we pass on to our offspring.
     
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  8. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    I don't think unconditional love is unchanging love, and I do think it is possible to have unconditional love for someone, especially in a family. Seeing as how we only live on average somewhere around 80 years, and most people don't have kids until at least 20, that would leave 60 years of loving unconditionally. Totally possible.

    If I had a kid who went a murdered someone, my love for them would change, but I don't think I have it in me not to love at all. Things would never be the same, but they'd still be my kid. People make mistakes (hell, even I've made a few), and people change. I think unchanging unconditional love would be extremely difficult, but I do believe unconditional love is a very real thing for many people.
     
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  9. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    parents love their children on the condition that they're their children! their identity as "their" kids would be the condition on which their love is given.. but since you can't not be someone's child if you ever were, i guess you could call it unconditional. it's more a non-contestable condition though.

    as for in romantic relationships.. no such thing as unconditional love, imo. i adore my boyfriend (maybe not love yet..) and i know he loves me, but if he did something i didn't approve of, such as rob a bank, i'd leave him. that kind of thing just isn't right, no matter who you are (except in extraordinary circumstances). likewise i'd expect him to love me less or leave if i did something equally unforgivable.
     
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    #9 TinyBubbles, May 9, 2010
    Last edited: May 9, 2010
  10. INTJMom

    INTJMom Community Member

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    Thanks... I'm watching it now.

    Interesting that in Biology, nothing is ever as simple as it at first appears.
     
  11. Ergo Christobal

    Ergo Christobal Talking Lightbulb
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    "Love" is really hard to define, it's like explaining colors to a pinto bean. Everyone's wants, needs, and convictions are so radically different from everyone else that to say what love is like to you would be irrelevant to everyone but you. We can only really explain love in terms of the actions connected with it.

    That being said, "unconditional" is pretty simple. No conditions, no situation could change it. You just cut off my arm? I still love you. Ran over my dog, whom I also love? I still love you. Stole my car and ran away with a sexy millionaire? I still love you.

    Whatever your definition of love is, whatever you do, it has to always be the same. In conclusion, unconditional love might very well exist mostly between parents and kids. Serial killers still have loving mothers, but it would be hard to keep loving a friend or husband/wife if things went really really bad.
     
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  12. under skies

    under skies Community Member

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    Unconditional love implies a sense of perfection. I don't think that any human is truly capable of offering completely unconditional love.

    If a person unconditionally loved another, he or she would strive their hardest to do the best possible thing for the one they loved at all times. This doesn't happen. At some point, everybody falters. They raise their voices, they say things they regret later, they do things they wouldn't do if they really loved the person they knew they were hurting.
     
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  13. rawr

    rawr ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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    this. ^^. I think it's beyond human power.
     
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  14. Jonathan

    Jonathan Community Member

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    Unconditional love for me is almost parallel with forgiveness. If someone in my life that's close to me makes a horrible decision that causes me pain, which no doubt has happened to me more than once, unconditional love (mentally) says "yes, you made a terrible decision, but I forgive you for it and won't hold it against you."
    I'm not saying that if someone was a murderer I would just pretend like it never happened and let them kill whenever they felt like it without punishment, but I wouldn't ignore them, slander them, or hold a grudge. I'd simply let it go because of my love for them, and for the sake of my own sanity.
    Based on that view, I'd say that, yes, unconditional love is possible, and based on the fact that I consistently have nothing against anyone in my life, I exercise unconditional love. I'd say it' easiest with family, because since you have that unique bond with them as family, you don't want to not love them anymore, so you love without strings attached, but you can also have a similar love for your friends, or even people you can't stand.
    I grew up with a sense of unconditional love. I'm convinced that no matter what I do, my family will still love me, even if they're angry or disappointed for a while. However, this didn't enable me to do whatever I wanted without any consequences, since I don't think love and permissiveness aren't in any way related either.
     
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  15. CoffeeShopDiva

    CoffeeShopDiva Community Member

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    I do love others unconditionally. My best friend and my father, definitely. But, I don't have faith that others will love me unconditionally.
     
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  16. enfp can be shy

    enfp can be shy people vs the bad people?
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    I see nothing wrong with unconditional love. Just those who didn't have it tend to grow up to rule and lead society, so they are more likely to define right and wrong, for the rest. This is inefficient on many levels.

    Luckily, we are now so connected, from birth, through the Internet, that we are like one big family. :) And it's hard to hide much longer how each one's character has been formed, and hence, how our society really functions.

    Greetings with Depeche Mode - Free Love :)
     
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  17. just me

    just me GONE

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    Hard to beat the unconditional love of a dog...
    No matter how bad your day has been, they act like they haven't seen you for weeks.
     
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    #17 just me, May 10, 2010
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  18. Quinlan

    Quinlan Right the First Time!

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    It's kind of disappointing that Siamese cats only have one body.
     
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  19. just me

    just me GONE

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    Get more than one!

    Have to love hearing the dogs when the truck door slams and seeing those heads looking out windows and the glass on the door. Have one under my feet as I type.....over a hundred pounds of unconditional love.
     
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  20. Quinlan

    Quinlan Right the First Time!

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    But it would be kind of cruel to duct tape them together don't ya think?
     
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