Trouble socializing? | INFJ Forum

Trouble socializing?

Discussion in 'The INFJ Typology' started by blueberrie, Apr 4, 2009.

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  1. blueberrie

    blueberrie Newbie

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    I have been reading about typology over the last few months and figuring out I'm an INFJ has been pretty revealing in terms of thinking about my personality and how I deal with certain things. I was wondering if any other INFJs feel like their inner emotions are often kind of... too uncomfortably dark to share. Like, I sometimes really difficult to share with people what's on my mind because I feel like I *feel* an abnormal amount of emotional confusion and pain. Whether it's about my own insecurities or philosophical angst or some tragic injustice I just read about on the news. I don't want to always be "the downer," you know? I can find myself consciously trying to talk about superficial, upbeat things or withdrawing/isolating just so I don't have to feel so out of place... any other INFJs identify? If so, have you found ways to cope better?

    I do have a light-hearted, silly side (I can be fascinated by the same things a 5-year-old would be- like, "ooh look at those pretty colors!" :) ) but I feel like I am so often "dragged downward," in a way that makes it hard to connect or enjoy myself socially.
     
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  2. slant

    slant amour-propre
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    There is no easy solution to this problem, in my own slant of things. Either conform to the bright side of life and be miserable or swim against the current. Society knows no bounds. I've mastered the art of being a downer, and find occasional pleasure in sharing bad news to extremely cheerful people who just need to be subscribed some Despondex.
     
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  3. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Ditto.

    One of my friends once told me that he though my favourite hobby was wiping the grin/smirk off people's faces.
     
    #3 Flavus Aquila, Apr 4, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2009
  4. efromm

    efromm Underground and breathing.
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    I try to focus on things that make me happy. And I try to hang with friends who can bring me up when I am down. I am still a downer at times its just in my nature...
     
  5. IndigoSensor

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    I know exactly how you feel (even the silly side thing). I try to activly avoid saying things that could be a downer. When I feel that it is right to be honest, I will be. However, if it would ruin the mood of the group I am with or something, I will likely keep it to myself.
     
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  6. myself

    myself Permanent Fixture

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    I try to be optimistic, even though it can be a struggle. It takes a bit of effort, but I feel it's a worthy endeavor.
     
  7. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I've been conditioned to seem "cheerful" or "funny" and often times extroverted...all of which I'm not to that degree naturally. Yes, I am a little bit, but for the most part I'm a bit more melancholy with a darker sense of humor. It takes someone else to really bring a good mood to me, and only certain people can do that well -- and I hover around these people like a moth to a lamp (not really, but I do enjoy the pleasure of calling them my best friends :D)

    Socializing is difficult, and always has been to me. Short periods of time are easy, as are more formal or leadership-based interactions....but when you get to "hanging out" for longer periods, it gets really hard to be able to keep up with the extroversion....darker and quiet becomes very hard to repress...
     
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  8. Zanshin

    Zanshin Community Member

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    hmmm being an INFJ is not easy and I understand completely trying to talk about superficial thing to not feel out of place. But one thing you can do is to be positive as much as possible - find the good in everything and live in the moment as best as you can. In addition work on self confidence. Life will become more fun and easier to socialize because you will attract what you are... positive people/things. The Law of Attraction is a real thing because i've experienced both sides of it lol. It's not an easy thing to do, but if you're motivated, it will improve your life in general and you will be on the more enjoyable side of life.
     
  9. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I'll take your word for that, Zanshin!
     
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    Do so! It is a wonderful tool. I have been using it (unknowingly) for years :)
     
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  11. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    Zanshin, I should print off your post and carry it with me. It is when I am in the frame of mind you described that I'm most content. I just wish I could be more consistent. I find I have to work hard to maintain that place and then I get tired of trying and drop again.
     
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  12. Zanshin

    Zanshin Community Member

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    Ya, it's really about forming positive mental habits, which of course, is the hard part. For example, learn to accept the past for what it is and not dwell on mistakes, but instead know that this is how we grow. I know this is a big one for me. Many people think they can some how change the past by thinking about it and beating themselves up over their mistakes. The ONLY thing we can do is learn from it and know what we can do next time period. That's it. I let myself think about mistakes once and know what I can do next time. After that if it pops up again, I make a habit of focusing on what I did right instead of wrong immediately. Fear of making mistakes in any area of life just robs you of life.

    Also, accept people for what they are without trying to change them. Instead of judging or attributing any negative thought or feeling to them, focus on their positive traits. Trying to custom tailor people into what you want them to be or using negative judgments to make them feel guilty will only bring about stress and negative feelings for yourself and them. People are naturally more receptive to people that accept them for who they are then those who do not. And again, being a positive person will attract like minded and you will feed off each others positive energy.

    Working on self confidence, which includes self acceptance, esteem, and love, will do wonders for your mood. If these things are all well and good, exercising and meditating regularly will also boost your mood significantly.

    I recently read that where you are in life is exactly where you want to be, whether it's good or bad. I thought about this and realized how true it is. Most people would rather put up with what's familiar, even if it's dreadful, than change. I was someone like that for a long time and decided that I was not happy with where I was at. I also read that the most important determining factor of success is persistence, which stems from motivation. Sounds cliche, but you can literally become the person you want to if you seek out knowledge, set goals and persist.

    There's the inspirational post of the day! I have some great websites and books for anyone who wants more information. Feel free to PM me.
     
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  13. Sam

    Sam Regular Poster

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    I'm deep. And I mean really. I have so many layers and rarely can use even few of them simultaneously. I'm optimistic, though, that's the result of my hyperaware philosophical approach to life, but I'm extremely serious. I'm familiar with the light and the dark - I know tragedy and comedy. It might be INFJness combined with the experiences I've had, but I've noticed that all my closest friends are usually very mature for their age and been through difficult times in their lives.

    My approach is a bit of stoic and extremely rational in a way, I know for example how death of a close one will affect me on a personal level but I also know if it happens it's natural and "nobody's fault". I sort of look at the big picture. That doesn't mean death wouldn't be devastating, agonizing, horrifying, absolutely painful in a personal level.

    I often can't deal with the superficial interaction - I like originality in people and usually enjoy being with anyone who's that.

    Being an INFJ can be devastating in so many ways, but it can also be gratifying equally as much. It's also about fixating our own perception. We're deep creatures with the level of understanding most people never get to experience. If we realise that as a gift and also learn how to open ourselves up in a way we can get a little bit out of our own heads and enjoy the moment and people as they are, we can can become satisfied with the depth most can't even dream of. But what will only harm ourselves is to isolate and make something negative of ourselves.

    Owie, I'm ranting -.-
     
  14. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Do you find that you can be positive and have fun in limited doses? I know exactly what is described above, but if I try to live like that all the time, everything that I have neglected considering (not just negative stuff, but definitely some negative stuff), eventually comes back to bite me.

    I can only be upbeat-positive for no more than about 1/3 of a day regularly, or else I will just become exhausted.
     
  15. Zanshin

    Zanshin Community Member

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    It's not really about neglecting anything, if I'm understanding what you're saying, but instead about meeting as many things as possible with a positive attitude. Other thoughts or events that may be "downers" will inevitably occur, but it's about forming the habit to meet them with positiveness. The goal is to be positive as much as you can. Make sure you understand that it won't happen all the time, but find things that naturally put you in a good mood and do them. I recommend exercising in any form, meditating, listening to music, or doing any activity which you like. I especially do these things when I'm feelings down.

    Being positive really can become tiring at times, I know, and there will be times where you don't want to be and there's nothing wrong with being "neutral" from time to time either. I find that I implement positiveness primarily in social situations and then recharge in a more neutral mode when I'm by myself.
     
  16. midnightmelody

    midnightmelody nagging for truth

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    In fact, this sounds a lot like me.

    Lately I've been feeling very ashamed of all the emotions I feel. I know they are only natural and that I shouldn't detest them so much, but I have no idea what they are rooted in, and their intensity leads me to believe I'm just being melodramatic. At the sime time, I'm not sure how I can dilute them.

    I tell my friends things often, but not always right away. They typically ask first. I'll usually tell them that I'm feeling crappy, a few minor details, and then just wait for things to blow over. Sometimes I wish I could just be emotionless. People may hate me, but I definately wouldn't notice or care.
     
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  17. lostintranslation

    lostintranslation Community Member

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    I know what you mean only too well..

    I think that's the reason why I disappear at times. As you said, I too don't like playing the role of the 'downer' but being the opposite for too long makes me want to stop and take a break from it all for some time..
     
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  18. daydreamer

    daydreamer Permanent Fixture

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    I've always had trouble socializing. Just try not to think about it too much otherwise it'll keep getting worse.
     
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  19. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    Spend more time with your five-year-old-self, but also, be true to your dark moods. Find the happiest you, but dont disallow your own misery, for the sake of others. Also, don't listen to advice that doesn't come from inside of yourself, including what I just wrote.
     
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  20. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I find myself distancing myself from people when I'm depressed. Some types get needy when they're down. I get ultra "get away from me".

    For me, that's because I know my friends will pick up on my being down. They'll ask me about it and I won't want to talk about it - we could end up arguing about it. Either way I get bitter because I think, "Why can't they just leave me alone".

    The truth of the matter is that I really just don't want to deal with what's going on inside of me. Anything I can do to turn up the noise and distract myself from the turmoil is what I do. That includes avoiding things that will force me to deal with it. Hence... I sometimes have major trouble socializing.
     
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