Trauma after bullying who causes bullying

[Larlou]

Hi, it's something I wanted to ask on INFJ subreddit on Reddit first, but because I again have technical issues with getting my podts posted and I really need INFJs insight because I'm gonna freak out.
It's continuation of this story
https://www.reddit.com/r/entp/comme...idea/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I later discovered that he opens doors for every other girl aswell and have weird habit of looking ppl in the eyes too long, so my behaviour had to look much weirder than I thought.
The point is, after that I'm starting to get bullied by two girls. They mock me at class when I say something, I bit worse at my Germann from others and now they laugh at that too. I sitted in first desk (because I got late and rest was already taken) and all the time I trying to avoid eye contact with proffesor and just hided my face the most I could looking down whole classes. I got laughed at that too.
And that wouldn't be that scary (although bullying isn't easy thing at all, bullying by gettinf mean comments and laughs is survivable) if I didn't go through much worse trauma in high school including bullying. I was made by group of girls from my school to do things I didn't want to, they ve been taking me, making me cry and then bullying me after with no escape (I couldn't leave, they locked the door). I was ostravized and alinated, later on every person who got closer to me got mocked, so ppl were avoiding me, they also often were following me in school and I always knew I have no privacy, because if I do domething they are going to come and laugh at it.
So right now I'm really scared and I don't know what to do. I don't even know those people that much, because I was frirnds with girl who resigned lately and it's situation where they know each other good and I don't really. What to do? I thought about going to psychologist, but I hope there are things I can do before that that could help. And also it's in college. And it's weekend studies, so we meet once at every two weekend. Sorry for my Englissh, I'm not native.

 

[Larlou]

Oh and that trauma got me that nervous laughter, I'm talking about in post I linked, bullied in first place. So my fear before getting treated like that again actually got me in that situation.

 

[Larlou]

Oh and that trauma got me that nervous laughter, I'm talking about in post I linked, bullied in first place. So my fear before getting treated like that again actually got me in that situation.

And here link again, because I think there are problems opening from post
https://www.reddit.com/r/entp/comme...idea/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

 

[Matty]

People might get bullied when they don't have any intimidating qualities. Perhaps try to accentuate at least one quality which could be intimidating to others:

Success
Physical strength
Intellectual prowess
Attitudinal confidence
Formality/exacting expectations (sort of an intolerance of others)
Physical attractiveness
Verbal assertiveness
Wealth
Social networking
Etc.

 

[John K]

@Larlou it's been a while since you posted this thread so I wonder if you are still checking in?

I agree with what @Sometimes Yeah is saying. I had a lot of that sort of problem as a child (I'm old, old, old now though) and if I went back to my childhood knowing what I know now, I'd behave very differently.

People get bullied when they look or behave differently from others and allow others to intrude on their boundaries without enforcing them. This is not our fault, but we can improve things by making changes to ourselves. You are very possibly not reacting to those around you in the way that's expected in your social setting, and are probably giving off social submission signals as well. A typical bully is very often struggling with their own sense of inadequacy and inferiority, and gets to temporarily feel better about themselves by making someone else look bad so they can feel all superior. Children do this a lot and most grow out of it, but sadly not all do and carry on plaguing those around them in adulthood.

You can't change yourself overnight, and it will feel scary when you do try and tackle it, because it will feel unnatural to you - you will probably lack the skill to do it well too, but it's the sort of thing you can only learn by trial and error in real life. Only you can choose how best to do this but here are some ideas

Have a think about what your strengths are, and pick one that you are both good at and like - and develop it for all its worth. Feel good about it and reward yourself for it. Bring it into your core self and anchor yourself with it. If you can, find other people, outside those you normally meet every day, and share it with them. My interests are family history, photography, my spiritual life, and I can and do easily find people with those interests to share with if I want to. The beauty of this is that the common interest means you aren't struggling for how to interact with the others, because it binds you together.

Think about what it is in the way you relate to folks that triggers the bullying behaviour. If you can, talk to someone in your year that has common sense and decency, is reasonably friendly, and who doesn't bully you, and ask them if they can see anything in the way you behave that triggers it. It might be difficult for you, but do listen and think about how you might change.

Are there other people around you who are also being bullied by the same people. If there are, then support them and see if you can make common cause with them. It's a problem that's easier to tackle if you have allies who are suffering in the same way because you are harder to mess with if you are not on your own.

Start to confront people when they make fun of you and tell them what they are doing is offensive and bullying. Don't be defensive - demand respect, act as though you are entitled to be treated with respect and call them out on their behaviour. Do this right in the face of the bad behaviour. Don't be aggressive - show your anger firmly and don't back down unless you are in danger of letting your temper get out of control. If you try this, you will find it scary at first and the initial reactions you get may be hostility, but it's better to have these people hostile and respectful than when they are bullying. In the end, you will find people will start to treat you differently and you will have a much easier time of it. You will probably find that others will tell you how much they respected you standing up to the bad guys. It's a process rather than something with a quick fix so try and be consistent with it.

If the trouble continues and escalates, keep a written record of events and those people involved that you can use if you have to. You are at college I assume - it's very likely they will have a policy on bullying. Find out what it is, and what they have put in place to report that sort of misbehaviour if they have one. Do you have a tutor who is your point of contact on student welfare? If you do, they would be the first place to go if you wanted advice and how to start exploring a formal complaint.
​

Please - these are not hard suggestions, because I know so little about you and your situation. They are a sketch that maps out the sort of things that you can consider in trying to find a better way, and maybe they can help you work out some of your own ideas.

​

 

[Larlou]

People might get bullied when they don't have any intimidating qualities. Perhaps try to accentuate at least one quality which could be intimidating to others:

Success
Physical strength
Intellectual prowess
Attitudinal confidence
Formality/exacting expectations (sort of an intolerance of others)
Physical attractiveness
Verbal assertiveness
Wealth
Social networking
Etc.

That's so simple yet very concrete. Know exactly what to work on. I think my strengths would be being this funny one in group and now, when I finally started solving my sleep issues, attractiveness to some degree. If I get better at Deutsch, probably sucess would count too. And now I got closer to some other ppl from this group, so to some degree I'm getting this "social networking" point. Especially, that, as I noticed, people usually really like me after getting to know me. In the sense, that I appear more and more attractive to them as the relationship develops. At least that's my impression.

Anyway, thank you again, that was actually really constructive.

 

[Larlou]

@Larlou it's been a while since you posted this thread so I wonder if you are still checking in?

I agree with what @Sometimes Yeah is saying. I had a lot of that sort of problem as a child (I'm old, old, old now though) and if I went back to my childhood knowing what I know now, I'd behave very differently.

People get bullied when they look or behave differently from others and allow others to intrude on their boundaries without enforcing them. This is not our fault, but we can improve things by making changes to ourselves. You are very possibly not reacting to those around you in the way that's expected in your social setting, and are probably giving off social submission signals as well. A typical bully is very often struggling with their own sense of inadequacy and inferiority, and gets to temporarily feel better about themselves by making someone else look bad so they can feel all superior. Children do this a lot and most grow out of it, but sadly not all do and carry on plaguing those around them in adulthood.

You can't change yourself overnight, and it will feel scary when you do try and tackle it, because it will feel unnatural to you - you will probably lack the skill to do it well too, but it's the sort of thing you can only learn by trial and error in real life. Only you can choose how best to do this but here are some ideas

Have a think about what your strengths are, and pick one that you are both good at and like - and develop it for all its worth. Feel good about it and reward yourself for it. Bring it into your core self and anchor yourself with it. If you can, find other people, outside those you normally meet every day, and share it with them. My interests are family history, photography, my spiritual life, and I can and do easily find people with those interests to share with if I want to. The beauty of this is that the common interest means you aren't struggling for how to interact with the others, because it binds you together.

Think about what it is in the way you relate to folks that triggers the bullying behaviour. If you can, talk to someone in your year that has common sense and decency, is reasonably friendly, and who doesn't bully you, and ask them if they can see anything in the way you behave that triggers it. It might be difficult for you, but do listen and think about how you might change.

Are there other people around you who are also being bullied by the same people. If there are, then support them and see if you can make common cause with them. It's a problem that's easier to tackle if you have allies who are suffering in the same way because you are harder to mess with if you are not on your own.

Start to confront people when they make fun of you and tell them what they are doing is offensive and bullying. Don't be defensive - demand respect, act as though you are entitled to be treated with respect and call them out on their behaviour. Do this right in the face of the bad behaviour. Don't be aggressive - show your anger firmly and don't back down unless you are in danger of letting your temper get out of control. If you try this, you will find it scary at first and the initial reactions you get may be hostility, but it's better to have these people hostile and respectful than when they are bullying. In the end, you will find people will start to treat you differently and you will have a much easier time of it. You will probably find that others will tell you how much they respected you standing up to the bad guys. It's a process rather than something with a quick fix so try and be consistent with it.

If the trouble continues and escalates, keep a written record of events and those people involved that you can use if you have to. You are at college I assume - it's very likely they will have a policy on bullying. Find out what it is, and what they have put in place to report that sort of misbehaviour if they have one. Do you have a tutor who is your point of contact on student welfare? If you do, they would be the first place to go if you wanted advice and how to start exploring a formal complaint.
​

Please - these are not hard suggestions, because I know so little about you and your situation. They are a sketch that maps out the sort of things that you can consider in trying to find a better way, and maybe they can help you work out some of your own ideas.

​

Thank you!
Yes, I'm checking in. I actually have seen your response some time ago, but for some weird reason I forgot to answer, though I was convinced I did answer.
Tbh, my behaviour was really weird. I don't act like that on daily basis. It was actually reaction to trauma (as I discovered some time after posting this post) - some aspects of that situation were too similar to this high school drama, and I panicked. I actually FELT like I would be there again and I probably acted the way AS I WOULD BE THERE. What wasn't matching the social situation then. This guy in my mind was "the main bully" (in this trauma schema - someone who interact with you) and rest of class "the passive bullies" (those who watch, laugh, and comment). I made those names rn, I have no idea what psychological terms for this are. This guy didn't do anything wrong, but the situation - one person talking to me, rest of people watching while he and they know each other and I don't know him and them that much, got me really panicked. People looked at me weird JUST BECAUSE I PANICKED. I don't want to go too deep in that, but the main point is - I myself don't really have much qualities that could be seen as "bulliable", let say. It's actually very N enviroment, with ENxP energy, so probably first time I'm actually in enviroment I can indentify with. My bulliable trait is my trauma reactions, and that's it.
Sorry if that's too chaotic, I'm writing from a phone just to reply something and not forget again, I think I will add something later to this reply, when I will be on computer.

 

[John K]

Thank you!
Yes, I'm checking in. I actually have seen your response some time ago, but for some weird reason I forgot to answer, though I was convinced I did answer.
Tbh, my behaviour was really weird. I don't act like that on daily basis. It was actually reaction to trauma (as I discovered some time after posting this post) - some aspects of that situation were too similar to this high school drama, and I panicked. I actually FELT like I would be there again and I probably acted the way AS I WOULD BE THERE. What wasn't matching the social situation then. This guy in my mind was "the main bully" (in this trauma schema - someone who interact with you) and rest of class "the passive bullies" (those who watch, laugh, and comment). I made those names rn, I have no idea what psychological terms for this are. This guy didn't do anything wrong, but the situation - one person talking to me, rest of people watching while he and they know each other and I don't know him and them that much, got me really panicked. People looked at me weird JUST BECAUSE I PANICKED. I don't want to go too deep in that, but the main point is - I myself don't really have much qualities that could be seen as "bulliable", let say. It's actually very N enviroment, with ENxP energy, so probably first time I'm actually in enviroment I can indentify with. My bulliable trait is my trauma reactions, and that's it.
Sorry if that's too chaotic, I'm writing from a phone just to reply something and not forget again, I think I will add something later to this reply, when I will be on computer.

No problem - only reply if you want to.

It sounds like you have gained some more insight into what happened now a couple more weeks have gone by. I often find that happens with isolated rows or socially awkward events that blow up and then pass. Of course it's quite a different situation if relatively innocent social events are triggering your old wounds and making you see bullying where it isn't actually happening - have I understood you correctly?

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

Went through some of the same growing up and I am still taken back by the cruelty of the neurotypical types all these years later.

More of the same ie the in group out group bias that most of the normal people have towards others different from themselves.

 

[Larlou]

No problem - only reply if you want to.

It sounds like you have gained some more insight into what happened now a couple more weeks have gone by. I often find that happens with isolated rows or socially awkward events that blow up and then pass. Of course it's quite a different situation if relatively innocent social events are triggering your old wounds and making you see bullying where it isn't actually happening - have I understood you correctly?

Well, from theoretical point, such things like bullying are hard to define. It's not that easy to determine which situations are bullying and which are not. I think usually it's differenciated by the period of time, so if behaviours that could be defined as alienating someone are constant, that's bullying. If it was one behaviour or two and then end - it's not yet bullying, but usual negative response to someone. And in that case, I was laughed at one day only, and in next session I heard gossiping somewhere behind me with my name in it, but after that, everything calmed down. Actually now from two sessions one of those who laughed at me try to befriend me, though I can't remove the memory of them then laughing and I think I behave cold sometimes. I wouldn't act like that, but this resembles so much what I've gone before, in high school, that talking with her gives me too much anxiety and I just can't, prefer to avoid her. That's actually something to work on, but answering your question - yup, that's exactly what I meant.