This is a first, but I have been driven this weekend to nastyness | INFJ Forum

This is a first, but I have been driven this weekend to nastyness

detectivepope

detectivepope

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Jun 9, 2010
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As some may know I'm married, what they don't know is that I married a whore and was fully aware of it. This a massive thing I have held on to for 8 years and I have finally let it go in a torrent of shit. I have fucked her Facebook and told everyone of her past after she fucked a very close friend blaming me. I have lived in servitude to her whim like a dog for years and this weekend I snapped. I make films and she would have me do all the work for hers, she just finished her final uni film (by finished i mean I finished) when she fucked me off and went up my friends house. I went in hospital as it was a major blow to be told you wife wants to leave you to fuck other men again. I then waited a week at her request while she "sorted her head out", I had come to the decision i didn't need a ice bitch who won't work for a wife. But to learn my friend betray me and then think nothing will happen was too much. I lost it and hacked her email and Facebook, i then deleted all photos and said harse comments on her wall. It seemed so childish but i knew it was of the only things that would bother her. I screamed "i wish you kill yourself" which was met with a cold grin, which was the thing that sparked the internet shit. I then didn't realise how many people actually care about that stuff, I got very few attacks and so called protecting as she is known as a tart. I was contacted by the police saying I was been too much, of which I calmed their concern. I then had a awful night going through with another friend what I had kept locked away and the way she twisted the world to be truly awful (hence the avatar i suppose). She cojouled me to riskee sexual things (this isn't a case of cheeky sexy stuff either) that I am ashamed to admit and still have nightmares. When it was too much she blamed me saying it was entirely my idea even though i just didn't want her to leave. The worst thing of it all is she is completely deluded and deranged which i tried to get her help with but she lied to get out of it (with the mental health people).
I came home to sort the mess on FB as I even then felt guilty even though she ripped my heart clean out. I got on and she was using my dead pets account to talk to more men, this really upset me. She then started to try and make it look like I'd blown it out of proportion but she has emotionally cheated on me since day one which really really hurts. She started making threats about telling everyone I raped her at which point i conceded as I am not and don't wish to be seen as such. I then got her to go and then sent her a really long email saying everything I kept from her, mainly bad. Now I feel completely empty but free. A lot of people have shown support for me but I still feel like a bad man.
 
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[MENTION=2800]detectivepope[/MENTION] ::Holds you & cries.::
 
detectivepope said:
She started making threats about telling everyone I raped her at which point i conceded as I am not and don't wish to be seen as such.
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You got involved with the member of the fairer sex and expected fairness? No-one claims to be what they are.

Respect bro.

Chalk another one up on the lesson's learned board.
 
I usually like to push for conflict resolution and smoothing things over when people do fucked up things. Sometimes we don't understand where they're coming from or why they behave the way they do. This is not what I am going to suggest to you in this case. I think you need to divorce her and get her out of your life completely. She is a toxic human being.

I don't know how to console someone in a situation where they've been hurt and betrayed this badly. I don't think there's anything that any of us could really say to make you feel better, but I'm sorry for what you went through with this woman. It sounds like she really took advantage for your nature and abused it to its full extent.

You're not a bad person. You might feel that you acted against your own morals and values by hacking her facebook and maybe that wasn't the best decision on your part, but at the same time I understand that need, that desire to do just something, anything, to alleviate that pain. Sometimes the only way, when we're feeling hurt, is to try to transfer or project that pain onto someone who has hurt you like that. I've felt that way, too. Not my finest moments.

I hope that you can get out of the situation that you're in with her and that you can basically excommunicate her from your life. Just get rid of her.
 
I suppose the main question that is popping up in my head is "what now?"

I've been through a similar situation, but not as serious. We weren't married, for starters, and we hadn't been together for half as long as you and your significant other had been. It may be my personality style, but when things get toxic like that I tend to just cut them off. In empathizing with the situation, I could see myself simply saying "I'm done with this" and taking the necessary steps in order to completely rid myself of the situation. I wouldn't try to keep in contact with the person or any of their friends, nor would I want to lest those unsightly parts of myself begin to show up due to that long time habituating them.

People leave toxic relationships, and then return to them, and then leave them, and then return to them so much of the time. I'm not meaning to sound accusatory or presumptuous, but what do you see happening in the immediate future regarding this? There are no right or wrong answers, I might add. Anything you choose to do is fine, as long as you are the one choosing it.

As for the manipulation with respect to her threatening to lie and say that you raped her, you might want to be a little subversive on your own and get her on a recording making those threats to prove their invalidity in case she does go spouting it off. Just an idea.

The bubble you're in can seem like the entire world until you finally get a chance to see it from the outside. Best of luck.
 
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thank you, i don't really need advice as this is an extreme case and I will need a councilor again. I have acted against my will for so long I lost myself which hurts the most as I feel so frightened like a little boy.
this was mainly to put it in words.
 
If you knew all this and allowed yourself to go blind to it, and knew her past you have no one to blame but yourself, in a way she is right about that. Does someone have to tell the story of the Scorpion and the Frog to you? Cut your losses and move on, the further you move away from her mentally the better, and I would suggest going single for a while, you need to get a grip on who you are, before you let another woman start to define your life again.
 
DrShephard said:
I suppose the main question that is popping up in my head is "what now?"

I've been through a similar situation, but not as serious. We weren't married, for starters, and we hadn't been together for half as long as you and your significant other had been. It may be my personality style, but when things get toxic like that I tend to just cut them off. In empathizing with the situation, I could see myself simply saying "I'm done with this" and taking the necessary steps in order to completely rid myself of the situation. I wouldn't try to keep in contact with the person or any of their friends, nor would I want to lest those unsightly parts of myself begin to show up due to that long time habituating them.

People leave toxic relationships, and then return to them, and then leave them, and then return to them so much of the time. I'm not meaning to sound accusatory or presumptuous, but what do you see happening in the immediate future regarding this? There are no right or wrong answers, I might add. Anything you choose to do is fine, as long as you are the one choosing it.

As for the manipulation with respect to her threatening to lie and say that you raped her, you might want to be a little subversive on your own and get her on a recording making those threats to prove their invalidity in case she does go spouting it off. Just an idea.

The bubble you're in can seem like the entire world until you finally get a chance to see it from the outside. Best of luck.
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well i have made it so she is scared of talking to me (physically), not proud but I had to get her to keep away.
 
Billy said:
If you knew all this and allowed yourself to go blind to it, and knew her past you have no one to blame but yourself, in a way she is right about that. Does someone have to tell the story of the Scorpion and the Frog to you? Cut your losses and move on, the further you move away from her mentally the better, and I would suggest going single for a while, you need to get a grip on who you are, before you let another woman start to define your life again.
Click to expand...

I married young and I was mentally tortured. She had taken me away from a similar experience (mental, emotional control and slavery) at my mothers of which I had since birth. The whole "if you knew" doesn't apply when i was already going to kill myself and accidentally fell in love because I was homeless at the time. I wanted love (or at least not let me die)where no one would give it but her. i had no friends as she had fucked them and they wanted me to fuck off as well because i talked to her. I finally realised I had been traded last week. Love completly ruins your vision twinned with someone who knows how to control.
 
detectivepope said:
As some may know I'm married, what they don't know is that I married a whore and was fully aware of it. This a massive thing I have held on to for 8 years and I have finally let it go in a torrent of shit. I have fucked her Facebook and told everyone of her past after she fucked a very close friend blaming me. I have lived in servitude to her whim like a dog for years and this weekend I snapped. I make films and she would have me do all the work for hers, she just finished her final uni film (by finished i mean I finished) when she fucked me off and went up my friends house. I went in hospital as it was a major blow to be told you wife wants to leave you to fuck other men again. I then waited a week at her request while she "sorted her head out", I had come to the decision i didn't need a ice bitch who won't work for a wife. But to learn my friend betray me and then think nothing will happen was too much. I lost it and hacked her email and Facebook, i then deleted all photos and said harse comments on her wall. It seemed so childish but i knew it was of the only things that would bother her. I screamed "i wish you kill yourself" which was met with a cold grin, which was the thing that sparked the internet shit. I then didn't realise how many people actually care about that stuff, I got very few attacks and so called protecting as she is known as a tart. I was contacted by the police saying I was been too much, of which I calmed their concern. I then had a awful night going through with another friend what I had kept locked away and the way she twisted the world to be truly awful (hence the avatar i suppose). She cojouled me to riskee sexual things (this isn't a case of cheeky sexy stuff either) that I am ashamed to admit and still have nightmares. When it was too much she blamed me saying it was entirely my idea even though i just didn't want her to leave. The worst thing of it all is she is completely deluded and deranged which i tried to get her help with but she lied to get out of it (with the mental health people).
I came home to sort the mess on FB as I even then felt guilty even though she ripped my heart clean out. I got on and she was using my dead pets account to talk to more men, this really upset me. She then started to try and make it look like I'd blown it out of proportion but she has emotionally cheated on me since day one which really really hurts. She started making threats about telling everyone I raped her at which point i conceded as I am not and don't wish to be seen as such. I then got her to go and then sent her a really long email saying everything I kept from her, mainly bad. Now I feel completely empty but free. A lot of people have shown support for me but I still feel like a bad man.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Especially since it involved a friend and she knew it, that must have been really difficult, you couldn't help but feel mad and upset. Don't beat yourself up about what happened. The truth is, when you are married, it makes you try that much harder. Marriage is such a strong bond, of course you would try to make it work. At least you know that YOU gave it your all and she didn't. YOU really cared about the marriage. And because you've tried everything, you can really move on, knowing you tried your best. I was also cheated on, and I was just in a simple relationship. I felt stupid for trying after it all ended, but in the end I realized it was best that way, because it showed that I was honest and committed and revealed the real truth about the other person. In the case of marriage I expect this would apply even more so. Just remember --you are right. 100% right. Cheaters usually try to twist things around, or lie to others in order to manipulate things against you. Just the fact that she would even lie about you r-wording her shows that she has some very serious problems (I'm making a bold assumption, but she sounds bipolar or borderline, especially with that sexual riskiness. Even so, if she's not willing to get mental treatment or medication to save her marriage, then she's not worth it. She does have the choice to get help and I believe that is all on her.) I used to feel "bad" like you mentioned too, don't let her make you feel that way. You were a good husband who tried his best despite everything, and anyone who knows you knows that. And even if her "friends" seemingly are against you because of her mean tactics, I bet inside they are thinking that she is in the wrong, because toxic people like that don't hide their true colors for long from anyone, trust me.
 
mochi said:
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Especially since it involved a friend and she knew it, that must have been really difficult, you couldn't help but feel mad and upset. Don't beat yourself up about what happened. The truth is, when you are married, it makes you try that much harder. Marriage is such a strong bond, of course you would try to make it work. At least you know that YOU gave it your all and she didn't. YOU really cared about the marriage. And because you've tried everything, you can really move on, knowing you tried your best. I was also cheated on, and I was just in a simple relationship. I felt stupid for trying after it all ended, but in the end I realized it was best that way, because it showed that I was honest and committed and revealed the real truth about the other person. In the case of marriage I expect this would apply even more so. Just remember --you are right. 100% right. Cheaters usually try to twist things around, or lie to others in order to manipulate things against you. Just the fact that she would even lie about you r-wording her shows that she has some very serious problems (I'm making a bold assumption, but she sounds bipolar or borderline, especially with that sexual riskiness. Even so, if she's not willing to get mental treatment or medication to save her marriage, then she's not worth it. She does have the choice to get help and I believe that is all on her.) I used to feel "bad" like you mentioned too, don't let her make you feel that way. You were a good husband who tried his best despite everything, and anyone who knows you knows that. And even if her "friends" seemingly are against you because of her mean tactics, I bet inside they are thinking that she is in the wrong, because toxic people like that don't hide their true colors for long from anyone, trust me.
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all her friends are reclusive 'B'tards I'm more scared of the wind. I have a lot of people who are backing me up which is the main reason I feel like I'm must be good to have so many care.
 
You are very good [MENTION=2800]detectivepope[/MENTION]. She was careless with your good heart. Your pain is excrutiating... I can only hold you. *cries*
 
detectivepope said:
all her friends are reclusive 'B'tards I'm more scared of the wind. I have a lot of people who are backing me up which is the main reason I feel like I'm must be good to have so many care.
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Glad to hear that. Those people will truly make this pass less painfully. Remember that you will get through this, it just takes time. If you need to, take a day for yourself just to let everything get off your chest.
 
I'm so sorry...:hug:

Although it's hard to realize when you're hurt, at least you know you tried, and I believe you'll be able to move on with a clear conscience.

As long as you eliminate her from your life, I think you'll be okay in time...best of luck.
 
So here's the deal, I actually made a post earlier talking about how I had been losing my faith in people because, regardless of my personal opinions and virtues, it caused me emotional distress to know that they did care enough about themselves to live a fuller healthier life and make better choices. As one person responded, it may be that the inherent good in you wants you to see others be good as well but I fear this is asking too much of yourself, which is why you married her anyway. You essentially decided that any disappointment and heartbreak was worth the risk because you truly cared about her and was actually driven to look out for her, but alas you cannot control others or predict life and she did what you feared which was to betray you.

I am similar to you in that I also become overwhelmingly insanely upset when I feel not just that a greeeat unjustice had been done, but that nothing was to become of it and it is just my loss, I got served the big one. You probably trying to decide right now whether or not to lower your expectations of others just to not be so disappointed in life, but I am asking myself that same question and cannot help you there ;)
 
Well, whatever you choose to do, I think it's important (in a good way) that you haven't tried to gloss over mistakes that you may have made in light of all you've mentioned about her.
 
Do you have significant assets with each other? If so, get yourself a good lawyer, fast.

Otherwise, get a divorce, cut your ties to her (even if she begs later) and move on.

You know what's striking? Once, an INTJ told me: "You know what the constant in all of your past failed relationships is? You."

But don't beat yourself up too much about it. Lesson learned, you're a stronger man, don't let it consume you. You still have the rest of your life left to find someone better than her.
 
Ouch. Oof. Ugh. *winces*
*hugs* sorry, i don't know what to say, just....
 
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