The Silent Treatment. | INFJ Forum

The Silent Treatment.

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Sometimes in friendships one friend pisses off another through things they have said or done, I have always understood this and when I see these types of problems arise between me and friends of mine I try to open up a dialogue so that we can talk about the issue at hand and work on systems for resolving it. However there is one obstacle in combating conflict that is a hurdle I've never figured out how to jump and that is the silent treatment. I want to open up the taps so that I can find the problem and work at a solution, I don't mind being yelled and screamed at and insulted because it helps to get to the root of an issue. My friendships are very important to me and I like to save them where I can, but nothing seems able to be done if this wall can not be breached and I end up feeling like my friend never really cared about me or my friendship at all when I'm willing to take the steps to save the friendship and they are not. I do realize this may not be the way the person not talking to me at the time sees it, they may just not be able to handle the emotion of it at the moment or something. Basically what I'm asking is why do friends (or even partners I suppose.) use the silent treatment? am I too assume a friendship is over when this point is passed? What can I do to open up a dialogue?
 
I am afraid I do not talk to girls from NC. Sorry *gives silent treatment*

Edit: Darn you [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] Now I gotta answer fer real

I need time and space to figure stuff out. I will generally just ignore someone if I am angry until I get things figured out. If it is an issue I feel I need to address with the other person I will. Most of the time, it is just my own emotions being someway and I just needed to get over it. I would say it depends on how close you are to someone and how well you know their habits. I have given my sister the silent treatment and I love her more than anybody else on this earth. So yea, sometimes it is about just needing some space.
 
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Could be passive agressive behavior and a control issue.

When my ex started up those kinds of tactics I'd tell him to knock it off. I dont't play that game anymore. Apologize iif you feel ok with doing that. Then throw the ball in their court and be silent.

See what happens next.
 
lolsy
i would never accept this level of passive aggressive behavior
it's a HUGE notch against any 'friend'
they'd have a lot of explaining to do to re-kindle the friendship
yes, the onus is on them because they have wronged by using this 'silent treatment', and wronged big time
and even if i accept their apologies and attempts at reconciliation, they will be on very shaky ground

and "well you hurt me first" is NOT an excuse or justification, especially if what I did was unintentional. this argument is only a small mitigating factor

silences because the person is just too emotionally fucked up to talk to you I have some understanding for (but the length of silence and frequency can vary greatly, believe me, I have seen some RIDICULOUS shit)
but purposeful silences to piss you off I have close to no understanding for
 
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As much as INFJs hate conflict, you have to make yourself deal with it. Think of this experience as an opportunity to learn something new.

If I give anyone the silent treatment it is because I have cut them off ... point of no return ... DONE. When I'm done, I'm done. I've only had to do this a few times, but at the same time the opposite person never reached out to me (which basically meant the relationship had died.) :shrugs:
 
Most of my personal relationships are mature enough that we can talk it out, but I've run into circumstances where I found it was best not to talk to a person for a while - and it wasn't due to any passive-aggressiveness; it was more that they couldn't "get" what I was saying, even after talking it out, and the more we talked it out the angrier the conversation would get. I find it's best to leave and cool off for a while, in those cases.

If someone plays the silent treatment game with me, though, I usually just ignore it and go my merry way, and I refuse to get upset about it. If they want me, they'll talk to me. If not, no skin off my mocha nose.
 
sometimes there's no point talking because the other person just lies more and more. or get completely sick and tired of working on the friendship and trying to be heard and understood when the same things keep happening again and again.
 
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sometimes there's no point talking because the other person just lies more and more. or get completely sick and tired of working on the friendship and trying to be heard and understood when the same things keep happening again and again.

I agree with this, and with Arby. There is no point in me talking to someone and trying to discuss things if I am really angry or upset.. I'm likely to not be thinking right and talking will just make me angrier. Also, when you've made efforts in the past to fix the friendship and they keep doing the same thing over and over again, completely oblivious to what they're doing wrong even though you've told them specifically. I have little patience for people who expect me to put in all the effort, and don't put in effort themselves. I also have little patience for people who bring other people into a dispute between the two of us... it's none of their business and it really doesn't help things... just makes them worse. I am a sensitive and complex person, as is everyone here. There's no one reason for "the silent treatment".
 
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I guess it all depends on the circumstances. Sometimes, when you're dealing with someone who's behaviour is consistently irrational or they keep making promises that they'll change, but won't, there comes a point where you just don't have the energy to deal with their shit anymore. Is the friendship over? Maybe. I always tend to think of it as being on hold while the person giving the silent treatment gets some space. In either case, if they're making a point to let you know this IS the silent treatment, it is supposed to make you uncomfortable. It's their way of showing you that you've really upset them and that a simple 'I'm sorry' isn't going to cut it anymore. They mean business.

But if you don't know what you did, that sort of defeats the purpose.

I don't exactly use the silent treatment myself, but from my own experience, sometimes I need to get some distance when I'm dealing with a difficult friend. I don't stop talking to them all together, mind you, but I don't exactly tell them there is a problem either. My reasoning is that I want to get my head on straight and be sure that there really is some sort of issue beyond the heat of the moment. Emotions are fickle things for everybody and this is just my way of counting to ten. I don't like to make drama needlessly.

As for what you should do in your case, my advice is that you let your friend figure things out on her/his own and have them take the first step in opening up dialogue. If you've already let them know that you recognize that they are angry with you and and have offered up an opportunity to talk it out, and they still haven't approached you, the ball is now entirely in their court. There isn't anything you can or should do right now. All things considered, whatever the issue was, it obviously needs the benefit of some time.
 
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friendships are great but sometimes i think they are overrated too. in the end it's me who has to get on with my goals and live with myself. if someone doesn't want to talk to me anymore, like they can't accept the way i am or some mistake i made or something, that's their call, they have to decide what's right for them and what they can tolerate in their life. i connect with my friends to relax and laugh at the shit that goes down, if it just ends up causing more additional dramas to deal with in my life then it's possibly not really worth it. i admit that i don't have many close friends irl anymore. i'm lonely sometimes but then again i was pretty sick of having to be on call all the time and constantly have to make my life be completely about consideration of other people, always being there for each other, and all that kind of crap, while meanwhile the work piles up and nothing real gets done.
 
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You respect that person's silence, and if they choose to keep it, you decide if and when to move on.
 
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If your friend(s) have taken offense (ie. have felt disrespected) - at least one could try and respect their desire to break communication.

The only thing I would do is to be cautiously attentive to any signs of wanting to start dialogue again - and then make it easy for them.
 
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I guess it depends how much you value that person’s friendship. If it’s someone you’re not too worried about, then don’t pursue it. But if you do value the friendship, don’t fall into the trap of ending it just to punish them. None of us is perfect, and let’s face it – lots of us are clumsy when it comes to dealing with conflict. I believe that every conflict needs a hero to hold out the olive branch. So maybe open the dialogue with some understanding of their point of view. “I think that when I did x, you felt y. I can see you’re hurt / frustrated (or whatever you think they are feeling). When you don’t talk to me, I feel the same. I value our friendship and I don’t want to continue this standoff. Can we talk about it?” If they’re open, then have the dialogue. If not, then I would say that you’re not ok to continue the standoff and ask them how they’d like to resolve it.