The Pathalogical Healer

[Chessie]

I have to ask if it becomes a problem for most INFJ's repeatedly throughout their lives that they attain a reputation amongst their friends and family as 'the go-to person for good advice' and then find themselves holding the same position as 'The one guy in the family who knows competently how to fix a computer'.

I've found myself being asked dozens of questions by several people lately and I had removed myself from involvement in most of their relationships. I did my best and yet people are still coming to me for this and to be honest, I have a great deal of trouble saying no. Troubled souls always bother me rather badly. What is your method? How do you help the pathological healer?

 

[Praefect]

I used to be able to turn off empathy, go cold, if I got really overwhelmed and cornered on top of that, with demands made on me. And then suddenly saying no was as easy as pie. Now I know how to say no because I have witnessed what an inability to say no causes.

When you don't eat, but then exercise, you will burn muscle, damaging your body. It is my believe that when you don't have mental energy, but then use it anyways in the aid of others, you burn your core, you damage your soul. And that just isn't worth it.

 

[bagelriffic]

I have to ask if it becomes a problem for most INFJ's repeatedly throughout their lives that they attain a reputation amongst their friends and family as 'the go-to person for good advice' and then find themselves holding the same position as 'The one guy in the family who knows competently how to fix a computer'.

rofl, ah its so true though.

i guess i don't really see it as a problem cause 90% of the time its my family and i wanna help if i can, i'm just there sitting on ideas and theories, if someone wants to know em i enjoy sharing. my problem is more getting someone to ask me unless as stated above, the computer isn't working for some reason, then i'm the go to guy out of pure necessity tho i'll probably botch it worse than it already is

 

[DoveAlexa]

I used to be able to turn off empathy, go cold, if I got really overwhelmed and cornered on top of that, with demands made on me. And then suddenly saying no was as easy as pie. Now I know how to say no because I have witnessed what an inability to say no causes.

When you don't eat, but then exercise, you will burn muscle, damaging your body. It is my believe that when you don't have mental energy, but then use it anyways in the aid of others, you burn your core, you damage your soul. And that just isn't worth it.

This exactly. +1000 for you
Sometimes in saying no you find out who your real friends are too. When some people stop coming around when you say no, you know they aren't them. Just don't cut off all friendliness to, because you can't expect friends to stick around when you're just being cold in general, of course.

 

[invisible]

i can't take it, i realised a lot of my friendships had just become about the support i give, i've needed a holiday to learn how to deal with this and i've become increasingly introverted, i don't go out at night anymore, i've been to a pub once in the past four months, i don't have a lot of friends anymore. i still feel really tired and worn out right now. it can really crush you.

 

[Claridon]

i can't take it, i realised a lot of my friendships had just become about the support i give, i've needed a holiday to learn how to deal with this and i've become increasingly introverted, i don't go out at night anymore, i've been to a pub once in the past four months, i don't have a lot of friends anymore. i still feel really tired and worn out right now. it can really crush you.

I've experienced those seasons as well...and I think over time, that has helped to to think about them as just seasons. There is a beginning and end. It make take time, but during the period where sometimes you have to withdrawl, it allows you to sort things out and heal. I've had friendships end during those times, but the real friends weathered those times with me. Some people use you, some end up hurting you, but the people who ask you for help, not all of them are enemies or bad because they value the help that you give them, they just don't comprehend the enormous toll it can take on introverts.

 

[Diana]

I think sometimes part of the reason you don't want to say no is because you are afraid if you say no just once people will think they can't come to you anymore. Speaking for myself, that statement is true. I like that people come to me for advice and while it can be overwhelming, if they stopped completely, I'd feel pretty empty. For me the trick has been finding a way to say no without shutting people out. When you let yourself come to a point that the no comes out of complete frustration you may end up being harsher than you'd like. That's my experience anyway.

I completely relate about being the "go-to" person. My own parents ask me for advice all the time and while I find it very flattering that they put so much faith in my advice, sometimes it's a burden.

That's the big question too isn't it? Who counsels the counselor?

 

[Kgal]

A friend of mine once told me that we are the type of people who attract the ones who need healing. Therefore keeping that in mind, she told me that it was not up to me to heal everyone in my path, whether I "could" do it or not.
As I've gotten older, I've realized that people sometimes just need to make their mistakes. I've learned that while I usually had the right answer or direction for them to take, the fact they didn't come up with it on their own, enabled them to not form the right method of critical thinking they ultimately needed. This is true for Some - not Everyone.
So, now I seek to see if the person in front of me is capable of making the mistake and still come out of it not wholly crippled in mind or body. Do you know what I mean? If I think they can - then I say no. I try very hard to not enable.
On the other hand, if I think they have a very fragile ego and will only add more harship to their lives, I will usually help in some way, with no expectations (or as little as I can manage).
Saying no to protect myself is paramount.
I clearly remember the day I told my disabled and drug addicted Mom - NO. It's times like those that tear your heart in a million pieces....
As time went on after that - I still showed love to her - though she railed against me and threatened all sorts of hurtful things to me. In the end, as in now, she's back to loving me and in a much better place for her heart, mind, and body. I am grateful both for her and me - for me having the courage to say no.
I wish you peace Chessie - and the strength to say No.