The paralyzing grip of self created artificial scarcity | INFJ Forum

The paralyzing grip of self created artificial scarcity

Discussion in 'Philosophy and Religion' started by slant, Jan 17, 2020.

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  1. slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    Background information:

    For the past year since I've been here you've all seen my struggle on my blog with these preoccupations with people. In particular these past three months have been brutal after I cuddled with a co-worker and then our relationship was downgraded back to casual friendship. I would be fine with it then be hit with how upsetting it all was and longing for closeness again with this co-worker. This has been a thread of my life in general.

    A lot of the journaling and self triad worksheets I've been doing is essentially cognitive behavioral therapy. I am a firm believer in the power of neuroplasticity and how malleable our minds actually are. In CBT there is the concept of pathological beliefs, which is beliefs we subconsciously hold that are false and prevent us from progressing in certain aspects of our life.

    I've confronted a few of my own through this process, and awareness is really the most important part of it, once you are aware of your own pathological beliefs changing them is a matter of deciding to do so. If youre unaware of these beliefs you can't change them. I think this is why therapy is effective for people because it can help people see what they otherwise wouldn't with an outsiders perspective.

    However, for those of us who are introspective, if we are open and invest enough time we can usually uncover these things ourselves which is what I've been doing.

    Here is the latest pathological belief I've discovered:

    The pathological belief that some resources are scarce. I combine this too with the pathological belief that another person must love me for me to have value and BOOM you've got the perfect recipe for what I've been going through.

    Scarcity will create intensity. So if you perceive a resource as being scarce, when you obtain it that will increase the level of importance of it in your life. But not all of what we perceive to be scarce really is, and the mind becomes a machine which feeds itself whatever we believe (confirmation bias). To break free of this paralyzing grip, we must prove to ourselves that the resource in question is not scarce. The first step of this task is to be open to the idea that your belief is scarcity could be wrong.

    Almost always if your mind ruminates on a single event which you enjoyed, it is a sign to you that you desire MORE of this resource.



    We want to recreate that moment we remember, but that is impossible. Ultimately you must figure out:

    Why does this moment stand out to me?

    What resource did I obtain in this moment that I perceive as scarce?

    There lies your answer.


    You will never recapture your past, but you can identify what made the past enjoyable and chase that. Not the person, not the circumstance, but THE RESOURCE you obtained. Intimacy, for example. Clarity of mind. These things I have chased by trying to recreate a moment, only accepting the resource in the same form I first discovered it, implying it is scarce when really I can find it many ways if I am open to the possibility.
     
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  2. David54

    David54 David
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    in true slant fashion depth that will take some time to process. .how do you come up with all your insights? It takes me months of walking miles and miles to come up with anything of value to myself. .
     
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  3. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    I was meditating at work and walked into a freestyle rap practice session with a couple of my coworkers (including the one I had cuddled with) and I declined to participate then finally decided to do it because it scared me.

    It was after that I had the realization.

    For some reason, doing something new and scary gives me breakthroughs.
     
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  4. David54

    David54 David
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    oddly, I'm only that way with music. . give me a new song to work up and I can grow a lot in short order
     
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  5. Wyote

    Wyote Meka Istaqa
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    You can have anything you want if you just believe hard enough.
    The moment you lost is gone forever, but the moments ahead are infinite.
     
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  6. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    Correct!

    But see I had to come to this realization myself

    You can hear people say things but for me I have a clicking moment from when the wisdom comes from directly within me
     
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  7. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Slant...

    I've never dated or gotten emotionally close with anyone. I've tried but failed, and that's okay. Because a few years from now, when I'm slapping ass with dollar bills, I'll have those failures to thank. Get wealthy enough, successful enough, and you'll be able to date anyone you want.

    The best revenge: success.

    [​IMG]
     
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    #7 Pin, Jan 17, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
  8. AJ_

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    Hi Slant,
    Although it has been quite a while since I read it, I couldn't help but think of Chapman's Five Love Languages when I saw your post. I have always been a person who felt love most in a relationship from a hug, cuddle, a kiss, or even just holding hands. I think for a lot of people who are natural to the physical touch language, we feel nourished from that type of love. Studies have shown that even plants can respond to acts of love from caretakers like singing or just sitting near them with quiet affection - I don't believe we are very different.

    Going through places and long periods of time where it seems like no one gets you, no one really understands you, no one speaks the language you speak -- it's difficult to feel love and nourishment in these situations. But I'm an avid proponent of what Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” I don't believe this means just looking at an isolated event or a breakup and trying to find the 'good purpose' from it -- it's about looking at certain themes that seem to be presenting themselves in life and possibly finding the next piece of the puzzle to who You are.

    As beautiful as the most beautiful thing you could ever see, touch, taste, hear -- the most beautiful waterfall, a swirling galaxy, the most lovely music, or any other beautifully complex thing you could think of -- you are that. In beginning to feel who and what you really are, you begin to nourish the universe by looking at it lovingly and it responds in kind to you -- and it's fun to see the different love notes it leaves for you.
    I hope you feel loved on this Friday - the day of love :)

    [​IMG]
     
  9. This is troubling to me, since it implies that you desire to experience feelings rather than the people attached to them, which is a subversion of love.

    As a man, this raises all kinds of red flags about your potential for infidelity, since you're too able to divorce such feelings from people, and that your desire to experience them trumps your attachment to said people.
     
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  10. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    You couldn't buy my love, Pin. Some of us aren't motivated by wealth. :) I get the sense you were kidding, though
     
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  11. He's not kidding :neutral:
     
  12. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    I don't think you're interpreting it the way I meant. In this context, this person rejected me and doesn't want to have physical intimacy with me. They will have emotional intimacy but not physical intimacy. I have spent the past three months agonizing about that, fixated on this one person who has already communicated their lack of desire for these things.

    I *have* to unhook the feelings from the person. Im not going to rape him, and I want to move forward. So I have to seek my desires in someone who wants to give that to me.
     
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  13. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    That’s not how the male brain works, dear.
     
  14. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    Are you saying he's not actually a man?
     
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  15. Lady Jolanda

    Lady Jolanda Sailor Doom
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    Interesting. It reads to me as if she has unfulfilled needs.

    In this case, a need for physical touch. You can get that from another person yes, but also from a bubblebath, a fluffy pillow and a massage chair.

    If she could get her need met that way, she'd stop seeing other people as a resource, and would instead be free to see them and relate to them as they really are: persons.
     
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  16. Lady Jolanda

    Lady Jolanda Sailor Doom
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    How does it work? I'm curious :)
     
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  17. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    No.

    Hormones.
     
  18. OP
    slant

    slant Anti gum-putter
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    I just don't I understand what you're trying to say here. He told me that he does not want physical intimacy but he does want emotional intimacy so I don't really understand what you're arguing here. Am I supposed to ignore his wishes?
     
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  19. Lady Jolanda

    Lady Jolanda Sailor Doom
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    Lol. :tearsofjoy:
    Yes, and neurotransmitters.

    Let me rephrase: How does the male mind work?
    (If there even is such a thing. Every person is different.)
     
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  20. David54

    David54 David
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    I'm curious too. .
     
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