The older I get, the less I need friends | INFJ Forum

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Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Artemisia, Feb 8, 2019.

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  1. Artemisia

    Artemisia Community Member

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    I find that the older I get (I am now 36), the more time I enjoy spending with myself and the less I trust people's motives. Although I have several friends and hang out with them from time to time, I feel like they either become envious eventually or there is just not much to talk about with them apart from small talk. I suppose it doesn't help that I have chosen not to have children and to focus on my career and intellectual ambitions while many of my friends have started families and work full-time in jobs that they don't particularly love.
    The only person I enjoy having around most of the time is my significant other, who is also into more or less the same things I am into (he is an INFP).
    Do you think this is an INFJ trait or am I an oddball? I mean, have you become more or less social as you have grown into a mature adult?
     
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  2. Stu

    Stu Pre-Pottery B Neolithocrat
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  3. OP
    Artemisia

    Artemisia Community Member

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    Stu, and the point is.........???
     
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  4. Hostarius

    Hostarius Apostate INFJ

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    Wow.

    Are you very sure that you're INFJ? A lot of what you said doesn't really strike me as particularly Fe (or rather, particularly healthy Fe).
     
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  5. OP
    Artemisia

    Artemisia Community Member

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    Why do you say that?
     
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  6. neko

    neko Pikachou ^.^

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    This doesn't resonate with me at all.. having close relationships with people is very, very important to me.
    Are you depressed, maybe?
     
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  7. Stu

    Stu Pre-Pottery B Neolithocrat
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    I was more extroverted and more gregarious in my youth...now I am less so, small circle of friends, little socializing outside of family and little tolerance for judgmental assholes who do not appreciate the demands of parenthood nor the discipline required to maintain a livelihood when depended upon to do so.
     
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  8. Hostarius

    Hostarius Apostate INFJ

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    Well, its a couple of things, really.

    Firstly the way you express yourself seems to betray a general lack of understanding of how it might come across to others. Of course, you might feel compelled to write such things anyway, because they are true, but it should still give you a certain teeth-clenching anxious feeling because you know that others are not going to like it, or might take a negative opinion of you because of it. This is Fe in operation. Personally I do this, too, but typically in the context of presenting my arseholishness for dissection - if I write something which makes me sound a bit proud, but is nonetheless true, and will feel compelled to write it because its true, though I will still give myself that teeth-clenching anxious feeling because I'm hyper-aware that what I say might make others have a lesser opinion of me or put their hackles up in some way. This is also Fe, though I'm supposedly INTJ so my sense might be a lot less intense that 'true' INFJs. In my case, I'm a T because I still make my decisions based upon the truth-value of the statements I write rather than the emotional impact they might have on myself or the people I'm interacting with. Its not that I don't feel these things as strongly as an F, but its simply that my decisions are made based upon rationality. In this example, if I were INFJ, I might refrain from saying the arseholish but true thing completely; that is, I would make a decision based upon feeling rather than reason.

    So if you can't see how your OP is generally dislikable in tone and substance, then I would question your use of Fe (unless you're doing the thing I describe: you're aware, but you say it anyway because its true).

    Secondly, the things you seem to be preoccupied with in your OP are very uncharacteristic of healthy INFJs in my experience: this focus on relative status, jealousy, &c. is only characteristic of an unhealthy INFJ. I'll break down the eye-narrowing moments I had when reading your OP, and write out my reactions:

    'Trust'? Insecurity, defensiveness, oppositional relation to others.

    WTF? 'Envy'? I literally can't remember the last time I was envious of anybody or suspected that they were envious of me; my personal opinion is that it's just not a normal adult emotion to either feel or suspect others of. Again this focus on relative status in relation to feelings of insecurity, defensiveness and repressed inadequacy/inferiority complex.

    This for me is very very strange, and I can guarantee you that the vast majority of people who read this would have had a similar reaction to me. There is this weird hostility you present in regard to your friends' hardships, as if you are celebrating yourself for not having made their 'mistakes', rather than sympathising with their hardships. If my friends (or anybody for that matter) were struggling to raise a family while having to work a shitty job, my reaction would not be 'that's why they envy me'; it would be just plain sympathy.

    The way you phrase this sounds as if you regard people as their for your entertainment only; there's a certain lack of mutuality that is striking.

    I used 'their' rather than 'there' in that last sentence as a way for you to gauge your reaction to people you might feel are less accomplished/intelligent/educated than you are (there are some other scattered mistakes I made, too). It would be interesting to reflect on the feelings you had when you read it: were they neutral, disdainful, forgiving, &c.? I don't know, it might help to dissect you general approach to others
     
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  9. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    It is normal for introverts to become more introverted with age, but we also need friendships to stay healthy and we should still enjoy socializing. Seniors who maintain healthy social lives stay healthier and live longer, too.

    Perhaps you need to find some new friends who share your interests and have similar lifestyles and personalities.
     
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  10. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access. Puts Tabasco on Pizza.

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    @Artemisia

    What do you get out of this place or the feedback that you get here? Not trying to be facetious either. I notice that you never really involve yourself with the community and yet there is some level of attachment in that you keep popping in here and there to ask more questions as the months go by.
     
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  11. OP
    Artemisia

    Artemisia Community Member

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    You do realize that not all of us can spend every day on an online forum, right?
     
  12. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access. Puts Tabasco on Pizza.

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    Geez...
     
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  13. Headstorm

    Headstorm On a mountain path.

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    Maybe it has nothing to do with age? Like you said, your friends chose a different path. I 'lost' friends that way as well. You might find new friends who share your interests and life style.
     
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  14. Hostarius

    Hostarius Apostate INFJ

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    Even this reply I found to be very uncharacteristic of healthy INFJs.

    And there it is again: that preoccupation status.
     
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  15. neko

    neko Pikachou ^.^

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    :sweatsmile:
     
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  16. Stu

    Stu Pre-Pottery B Neolithocrat
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  17. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    It's natural for all adults regardless of type to become less social than they were in their youth. The opposite trend is the minority.
    For me personally, I lost a lot of friends from my youth in different ways.
    I haven't lost my love of socializing nor my hatred of humanity though.
     
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  18. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    I've never really "needed" friends. They add great flavor to life though.
    It's bland when you have none, I've been there.
     
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  19. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Regular Poster

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    Hey Artemisia,

    After reading your OP, I felt like you're conflicted and not sure that the life you have chosen to live is the right path to take. As a result, it seems like you want assurance from people on here that it is.

    But no one knows you more than you know yourself. Inside, your heart and soul will tell you if you're doing the right thing for you. I think they're telling you the opposite and therefore you question your choices.

    I completely agree with @Hostarius in that you seem to be showing symptoms of that of an unhealthy INFJ. I've been there and I can see it in what you wrote.

    Going through experiences in life that cause pain and heartbreak are part of achieving a more fulfilling life and personal growth. If you are an INFJ, deep inside you will always want to be true to your core beliefs; namely the importance of love and compassion. So although you might build a wall around your heart and distance yourself from people, inside you will always yearn for that love. And the only way to get that is by making yourself vulnerable and opening your heart up to the risk of pain.

    I hope you gain clarity on the matter and continue to find whatever happiness is for you.
     
    #19 Jonah Caan, Feb 8, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2019
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  20. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access. Puts Tabasco on Pizza.

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    I feel like I just got b*tchslapped by a sentient cactus. = (
     
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