The Lady of Shalott | INFJ Forum

The Lady of Shalott

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by KLessard, May 8, 2019.

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  1. KLessard

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    Hi!
    I'm new to this forum although I've participated on Typology Central a few years back and it was a great help to me while I was struggling with a mild case of Borderline Personality Disorder (I am now recovered).

    I am back on these forums as something very strange is happening to me as an INFJ and I felt it was worth documenting here.

    I am a visual artist and recently published my first novel.
    In the last couple of years, Tennyson's Lady of Shalott began resonating with me in a very painful way, especially the line : " 'I'm half-sick of shadows,' said the Lady of Shalott". I realized I was living my life through my art, but feeling like an outsider looking in, only allowed to experience things and people by observing them through the mirror's reflection, seeing my friends getting married, starting families and knowing intimate love the way I would never know. My experience with love had only been unrequited one way or the other, and I did not insist when this would happen, agreeing to keep finding my satisfaction in inspiration, spirituality and creativity, which often keeps you away from earthly life the way the majority S types experience.

    Publishing my first novel, which is an objective I'd set for myself since childhood, made me feel like I had proved my worth, providing entry into the earthly realm, allowing me to really participate for the first time. Inspiration for the novel involved a Lancelot figure I met at work, and he had dragged me out of my tower. Nothing romantic happened, but the book happened and I am now a real adult and part of the earthly realm for the first time, feeling like I've wasted years and I'm not getting any younger. I feel an urgency to meet a partner and establish myself in the real world. I have exited the tower and survived so far, but I am like Baudelaire's albatross. I've experienced anxiety and despondency these last few days, and opened up to a few church friends about it. My pastor's wife just introduced me to a single Christian guy who's nothing like an ideal Lancelot, but he sounds like a good man, and I think I need to let go of Lancelot and be realistic about this. This whole experience has made me feel incredibly uncomfortable with my body image as well. I'm starting to wonder if I did not idealize myself and the fall is brutal. I have always suffered from low self-esteem and feeling like compliments are always given when people feel sorry for me or are trying to cheer me up. I don't know what to do with myself. The S world is so uncomfortable. Does this sound familiar to any of you?
     
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