The Jealous INFJ

[Questingpoet]

This stems from a discussion Entyqua and I were having. Are INFJ's as a group more, less, or about the same when it comes to being jealous? We are talking about in regards to their mates here. Is this just a sign of maturity, and has nothing to do with type? What are your thoughts here? Please vote too.

 

[dneecey]

I will be back to add more. But I'm not jealous at all. Or at least in my past relationships I haven't been. Will edit with descriptions when I return. Look forward to reading more. Great thread QP.

 

[Jana]

Jana - jelousy - not good combination - very intense and if something switch on my shadow it is probably being jelous.

I am not proud of it and I don't usually show that I am jelous. In fact, I don't show it at all. But it can torture me very well.

 

[Billy]

I think its more to do with maturity than anything. Speaking for my own self, I was extremely jealous type before, even if my ex gf's would say "oh that guy is hot" I would feel betrayed and jealous....

mostly as it came to turn out this was all in my own head, they didn't mean anything about it and it was hypocritical for me to feel that way because I constantly checked out every PYT I came across.

I still don't like to hear the woman I am with remark about another mans beauty but I have come to grips with my self and my own inner demons a lot lately and Its a great thing because the jealousy just melted away.

It could also have been my over perfectionism, feeling like I had to be the BEST, the MOST desirable, the strongest, the best lover, the most intelligent... etc

It was all immaturity and insecurity... its self defeatism at its worst.

Not gonna lie, it had its benefits, it drove me to be extremely ambitious, to look a certain way, to learn certain skills, but that jealousy was like a poison in every relationship I had that I wanted to be meaningful.

And now that its mostly gone (I could never know if its 100% gone) my relationships are blossoming in a way I never had before. Its a wonderful thing.

 

[Moxie]

I'm not going to lie, I can be an extremely jealous person, although I try very hard to keep it under wraps. I don't like it, and beat myself up about it when I feel that way. I agree that it is immature and pointless - but I still feel that way sometimes on the inside. At least I have enough maturity these days to keep it to myself, although I do realize that at least part of it is a 'protector' instinct .

 

[Julia]

I've struggled with jealousy, and I'll admit it is related to not thinking that highly of myself in terms of physicality and social prowess. I was too quiet during my younger years to have much of a social life, and then spent a long time being married only to find out he had more apathy towards me than even he realized until I left. To make so little an impact has been something I have had to work to get past. I'm with someone now to is quite attached to me and it is someone I feverishly admire. He has been patient with me about it, and it helps me that he has a little jealous streak himself. I tend to be brutally honest about my responsibility in it, though, and I'm not so much accusing or demanding anything, but I mostly cry and get humiliated for having the feelings.

 

[laurie]

I chose the last option, having experienced jealousy that just vanished as I got more mature. I used to get jealous if my sister went off with her boyfriend, but I don't feel that anymore (with anyone). It's not just getting used to it ('cause it's not the same boyfriend), it's taking a different view on it.

 

[Entyqua]

I am less jealous...I dont mind my husband finding other women attractive. I usually agree with him..."yea shes hot!" Now If i were cheated on, I would not stand for it...an undisclosed extra marital sexual encounter is a breach of trust...If you are feeling like you want this, it needs to be talked about...Yea its a hard subject, but better than just throwing it away by doing it anyway. I will not tolerate cheating...Now If me and my partner had some prearranged notion of extra marital partners, and entered into the agreement together, setting rules, and full disclosure...I would not be so inclined to have issue.

this is of course in terms of relationships..

I have experienced bouts of jealousy for something other than monogamy...

it is sad, but have experienced heaps of jealousy for some things in life that have evaded me...accomplishments mostly. This is something I know I need to work on, but part of it is a physical incapability of achieving the thing I want.

 

[Puck]

I do struggle with jealousy, and I'm INFJ, but I also think it's because I'm not as mature as I might be. I can be clingy about people I care a lot about. I suppose it comes from years of loneliness and isolation, and so anything good that comes into my life, I panic a bit and wonder how to keep hold of it. I am fully aware that this isn't a healthy mindset, and I do a lot of self-talk to ease myself out of this fear of losing. It's an ongoing struggle though, and whilst on some days I'm perfectly happy and independent, on other days I really 'need' people, in a way that doesn't feel fair on them, and quite probably isn't. What has this to do with jealousy? Everything, I think. Jealousy happens on those days when I'm afraid of losing something precious, and it comes at me like a hungry lioness (male lions are too lazy for this metaphor), and as I'm pinned down by it, I am most likely to say or do something that would wreck or ruin whetever the good thing is that i'm afraid of losing. Crazy, isn't it?

 

[SpaceCowgirl]

I don't think I've felt jealous about a relationship before. But when I'm jealous of my boyfriend because he can get along so easily with everyone, does that count? I get more jealous of peoples skills than anything else. If im with someone and their talking to other girls I don't care, unless were somewhere together where I dont know many people; then I feel abandoned. I think I feel abandoned more than jealous because doesn't jealousy mean holding some kind of resentment towards someone? Or feeling angry?

I'm a strange one, I feel extremely jealous when I have a friend who becomes close to someone else because Im jealous of their relationship. I think even if I was cheated on, I would leave and not trust the person, feel upset, jealousy doesn't come to mind.

 

[beetpoet]

i feel like i could answer two ways.

i have always had a high rejection sensitivity which i try to work on. it's painful to feel so delicate! and not always fair to the other person. if someone appears to be more drawn to someone else for emotional intimacy i experience it as painful, and sometimes shameful or depressing (gotten less intense as i've matured). it makes me want to have distance from the whole situation to try and sort it all out. so i suppose i have a low tolerance for someone liking someone else more than me (as a friend, a lover, a partner) etc but don't display it as typical jealousy. more so as a sad confusion or withdrawal.

on the other hand i had a polyamorous marriage for about ten years. i think because i really felt love and loyalty with my partner, and could articulate and empathize with the things we weren't finding in our physical partnership with one another. i can be pretty analytical sometimes, even about personal things. i wasn't jealous about physical fun and sexuality with others as long as that honesty and loyalty was there between us. things got more distant and i wanted a change when i felt that i was competing for emotional intimacy (then my feelings turned to the paragraph above, and my "act" of jealousy was to take myself out of a primary role in the partnership. i feel better as an independent and have fewer expectations and can enjoy the connection for what it is.

so, maybe more jealous AND less jealous.

 

[Questingpoet]

Wow, that's an honest and complicated answer beetpoet, thanks for answering. I follow your line of thought. I think most people get a better handle on their emotions as they age, this includes things such as jealousy. I have always felt like I have a big enough heart to be emotionally intimate with more than one person. That I could feel love and connection to more than one and not take away from the first relationship. I like to assign this belief (or feeling?) to my significant others as well, though it may not be true. I still think honesty and understanding (which builds trust) are the most important things. I think that's what you are saying too.

 

[sumone]

My mother was an extremely jealous person. I really had to think twice about complimenting anyone because her eyes would immediately go green. I learned how to do it though .... "Oh Mom, Mrs. Smith has the most gorgeous garden. But you know, Mrs. Smith isn't nearly as pretty as you."
Then she'd allow Mrs. Smith the joy of her garden knowing she was prettier.

It was a sickness with her and I knew from a very, very early age that no good came from jealousy, no good at all.
When I would come to her for advice about my friends her answer would always be, "She's just jealous of you." End of convo. I'd just nod but inside I'd be thinking, "That's total bs."

Feelings of jealousy do come over me, usually taking me by surprise but I find if I don't think about it, it just goes away. I just take a "pffft" attitude about it.

There have been a few times in my life when it got the better of me and I just ended up hurting other people and myself followed by intense self flaggelation etc ...... down with jealousy I say!

 

[TinyBubbles]

This stems from a discussion Entyqua and I were having. Are INFJ's as a group more, less, or about the same when it comes to being jealous? We are talking aobut in regards to their mates here. Is this just a sign of maturity, and has nothing to do with type? What are your thoughts here? Please vote too.

if jealously is proportional to one's capacity to form emotional attachments, then yes, i'd say infjs get jealous more often than others. they care deeply; when those affections aren't reciprocated, or worse, ARE reciprocated but given to somebody else, then i could see infjs being very hurt.

for me personally, i don't think i've ever been jealous in a relationship. sad, disappointed maybe, but not jealous. if the person i love would rather spend time with someone else, then so be it. i'd want to know sooner rather than later, though.

 

[Jana]

Jealousy happens on those days when I'm afraid of losing something precious

That's the my point also. Fear of lost or rejecting. Mostly irrational and childish, but when I have bad days, I really need sense of connections with someone dear.

 

[Rakawi]

I don't tend to occupy the state of jealousy long. It usually morphs into something else in short order.

 

[EnchantedOrchid]

I used to be jealous but it has significantly changed through time. Most likely, it has something to do with maturity. I have fears of loosing someone but would try to control it because it doesnt do any good for me.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I don't want, or am not interested in my things/attributes that others sometimes envy.

Although, I remember being somewhat jealous of my room when I was a postgrad student - I would arange things just right so that it never got used by anyone else during the Summer holidays.

 

[Trifoilum]

I generally feel a lot of it, but I try to hold the jealousy. That being said, but there's some lines I won't pass.

Looking at other woman/man? sure. I would have to deem she/he to be worthy of being looked at, tho. Nyeh, if they are, I would be looking at them.
Flirting with them? *cocks gun*
Sleeping with them? There's the door, thankyouverymuch.