The FREEZEout

[Altruistic Muse]

It's not sulking exactly, is it. It's not for the purpose of provoking a reaction, it's not an attempt to hurt the other person. And it's certainly not an excuse to fester on the wrong-doing, or some disappointment in a friend or loved one. I sometimes think it comes across as passive-aggressive, but that's not it either; it's not particularly aggressive!

When I shut someone out, be it for a short time or for a longer period, for me it's a chance to get back control of my feelings. If someone has done something to upset me, it's unbearable to take it up with them, unless it was very minor, or unless I know them exceptionally well or I don't care too much about them. So I would rather stop talking to them so I don't have to think about it. It's self-preservation I think. And then, when the time comes to talk to them again, I can carry on as if nothing's happened, because I really have taken the time to forget and forgive and move on! It's time to step back and think hang on, the effect this person has had on me through this action is too great. I feel too much for them, or this has upset me too much, so that I am not longer in control of the situation. Stop, recoup and then give as much as you gave before.

Out of curiosity, how do non-infjs feel about this shut down? Does it come across as really cold? I worry about that.

 

[Nixie]

I think it would be harder for extroverts vs introverts. It seems extroverts always take being ignored or pushed to the background poorly. I would think that it would also depend on a Thinker versus a Feeler. I would assume a Feeler would interpret some sort of emotional reason and probably assume they caused it or needed to fix it. A J type would probably chafe at the lack of closure. Not sure what a P or S would do. A Ni would probably look for hidden meanings. In the end, I would guess it would depend on the relationship. To freeze an acquaintance out wouldn't be as traumatic as someone really close (family, SO). It would also depend on whether you had the skills to convey that you needed time to process or step back or if you made it clear that this is your modus operandi prior to needing to distance yourself.

As an INTJ I generally won't press someone if they seem distant. I will try and initiate talks after a specific length of time and if not reciprocated or Ni tells me not to bother, let it go. If I feel close I will probably ask. Usually I am the one who people express their issues to and look to for accomplishing tasks no matter the state of our relationship so I think I would gladly welcome being left alone.

 

[kita]

I had a roommate that was just toxic and made me feel drained and miserable. When I would stop talking to her, she thought I went through "crazy spells", at least that is how she described it to our mutual friends.

I kind of agree with her. It doesn't seem a healthy way to be or something that a good friend would do to someone they care about. If she was so horrible then why were we friends to begin with? In my opinion this tendency is the worst thing about INFJs.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

I kind of agree with her. It doesn't seem a healthy way to be or something that a good friend would do to someone they care about. If she was so horrible then why were we friends to begin with? In my opinion this tendency is the worst thing about INFJs.

Hmm I don't know. Maybe you're right, but as I say there is no malicious intent there! And also there is the fact that the reason for shutting someone out is the fact that they have overstepped some kind of mark. Doesn't make them a bitch, just unaware of your boundaries or sensibilities. I'm not saying it's a good attribute, by any stretch of the imagination. I also think it is a learned response in my case. I got burned before so I now deal with things in my own head a lot more. But I don't think it's terrible, maybe neither good nor bad.

 

[bagelriffic]

right well i would think shutting someone out to be the exact definition of passive aggressiveness. if someone upsets/hurts us and we lack the ability to communicate why, nothing is resolved. our feelings go unvalidated, and they are left confused as to what happened so if you see this as doing someone a service i would claim quite the contrary.

the goal of an argument or disagreement should be to explain how we feel, and then recognize how someone else feels, not change their mind, or think our opinion is better or worse than theirs, just different. agree to disagree basically and when we approach sensitive situations with this perspective in mind, they don't feel so sensitive anymore. as with anything, the more you validate how you're feeling, the easier it gets. toes get stepped on, its life and i wouldn't want to go through it having to internalize my feelings everytime it did.

this isn't to say that sometimes passive agressiveness isn't helpful, who knows every situations different, but if its something we rely on for the majority of our conflicts, it might be best to look into this possibly neglected aspect of ourselves to figure out Why it has become second nature for us.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

Ok... it doesn't feel passive aggressive... it just feels like a way of getting over it. Maybe if we argue we expose too much passion, we also give away a weakness, or a sensitivity. Perhaps we don't feel comfortable letting people know if something has upset us in case they use to it hurt us. There we go. That's probably what I do.

 

[christmas]

I had a roommate that was just toxic and made me feel drained and miserable. When I would stop talking to her, she thought I went through "crazy spells", at least that is how she described it to our mutual friends.

I kind of agree with her. It doesn't seem a healthy way to be or something that a good friend would do to someone they care about. If she was so horrible then why were we friends to begin with? In my opinion this tendency is the worst thing about INFJs.

oooo, this hit a sore spot so much yesterday that i had to shut down the computer and go do something else.

i don't think you (not you specifically) get to make rude judgment calls about how i process a slight or toxic people. as long as i am not shooting up schools or robbing banks, back the fuck off and let me think things through.

when someone close to me "wrongs" me, i expect them to show me the same concern and care i show them every day by example. if i think i have upset someone, or even if i don't think i personally have upset someone, i try to offer comfort and an outlet to vent their frustrations. sometimes i need that too. there is nothing worse than getting in someone's face and telling them how they have upset you when he or she is not ready to hear it. i do need an invitation (kinda like Dracula), because i'm not going to tell you about yourself unless you ask. i need permission to do battle. i'm not going to spar with someone unwilling.

 

[RecklessDreamer]

I do the same thing, but it's to keep myself from becoming aggressive towards someone. Then, if people push it, like start questioning why I'm acting the way I am, or something similar, I do become rather cold and passive-aggressive. I can say very hurtful things in a way that sounds so casual when I am feeling hurt or threatened by that person, and it comes off as utter bitch. Which is why I chose to just keep my mouth shut.

When other people act this way towards me, I give them their space. It's obviously what they are seeking, so I see no point in pushing it. I'm not bothered by it too much, because I understand that everyone has their own way of dealing with things.

 

[randomsomeone]

I don't live in real close quarters with anyone so keeping a comfortable distance (varies among different people) is pretty easy to do. That said, if I have to create more distance then usual, I regard it almost as a means of peace-keeping....restoring my own equillibrium so the other person can carry on as they wish without any ill-effect from me. As a wise man once said, "Love your neighbor as yourself, but if you cannot do this at least do not do them any harm."

 

[Trifoilum]

Hmm, I agreed with your decision to stay away from unhealthy emotions and to regroup when you're feeling bad to avoid hitting the wrong people. And to avoid saying the wrong things. I understand the feeling.
Yet in conflicts with other people, or when other people did something to annoy you, I would say you should tell what you're feeling and not running away from it -- instead of staying away then acting like nothing happened. Detach, then look at your emotions; is it important? Is this something that annoys you a lot? Do you see something wrong? Then say it. (do mind the TPO though). Let your emotions and feelings out, before you keep giving; for if you keep giving while keeping your feelings and thoughts locked, a) they will see it as nothing had happened and thus, acting usual and blaming you when b) you will slowly, but surely, erode. Your patience also has its limit. And lastly, and I think this is more important to other people themselves; c) You're denying them a chance of honest, if emotional, view of their actions, which would hinder their growth if you do see something wrong but choose not to say it.

Bluntly speaking, I don't see it as...cold, no; but disrespectful. Of your feelings, of people around you. I still did this kind of 'running away to save people', so I know the feeling; And if I may psychoanalyze myself, it's actually shielding to save myself. It's because I'm afraid of the confrontation it may spark (and the destroying of the relationship I have) that I decided NOT to talk *buries head in shame*.
Not to say you would feel the same; but I can't help but seeing myself. :|

 

[DoveAlexa]

I had a roommate that was just toxic and made me feel drained and miserable. When I would stop talking to her, she thought I went through "crazy spells", at least that is how she described it to our mutual friends.

I kind of agree with her. It doesn't seem a healthy way to be or something that a good friend would do to someone they care about. If she was so horrible then why were we friends to begin with? In my opinion this tendency is the worst thing about INFJs.

This is a tactic used by people to turn their feelings of "oh no I messed up" into "they are at fault and are wronging me". If others agree with them that the nasty way they referred to you and the situation is correct, then they feel justified and validated, and you are doubly villainized. You did the only thing you could have in that situations, and she is a bitch for turning your benign action back upon you.

People suck.

 

[ZJ95]

I do this too, but it is for the good of everybody. I'm kind of like a nuclear reactor, most of the time nothing exciting is going on, but if things start going downhill it can get real ugly real quick. With the freeze out I'm basically giving my emotions a choke-hold so they don't get out of hand.

 

[yepunsarang]

Personally, I hate the freezeout. I think I consciously try to avoid it and consciously control it. I do this because if I do this to someone I love I might be potentially jeapordizing our relationship---in how close we are. In a kind of pessimistic way, I see that for some people, once you do this, it may change the path of the relationship rather than making it stronger. There are certain people I am not afraid of doing it to (like my family when necessary) because I know they will always come back to me.

But for other people (especially those really close to me) I keep it in, being very patient and understanding. Until it's quite blatant to me that they don't understand, that may be they've stepped over a line. I do it when they've been dumb and blind and selfish about what they've been doing to me. That's when I give them the full ice blow and just get VERY quiet and cold. I think I'm very empathetic and I understand that there are many flaws in people, I try to overlook some of them that I know may not be their fault. Sometimes I do it more than is socially expected, just because I understand. I give more than I receive a lot of the time...

 

[yepunsarang]

Yea, I only do the freezeout when it's the last straw. I try everything to be accomodating until that point, where I get so hurt that I just cannot take it anymore. It becomes a matter of need now.

 

[inigo]

It's not sulking exactly, is it. It's not for the purpose of provoking a reaction, it's not an attempt to hurt the other person. And it's certainly not an excuse to fester on the wrong-doing, or some disappointment in a friend or loved one. I sometimes think it comes across as passive-aggressive, but that's not it either; it's not particularly aggressive!

When I shut someone out, be it for a short time or for a longer period, for me it's a chance to get back control of my feelings. If someone has done something to upset me, it's unbearable to take it up with them, unless it was very minor, or unless I know them exceptionally well or I don't care too much about them. So I would rather stop talking to them so I don't have to think about it. It's self-preservation I think. And then, when the time comes to talk to them again, I can carry on as if nothing's happened, because I really have taken the time to forget and forgive and move on! It's time to step back and think hang on, the effect this person has had on me through this action is too great. I feel too much for them, or this has upset me too much, so that I am not longer in control of the situation. Stop, recoup and then give as much as you gave before.

Out of curiosity, how do non-infjs feel about this shut down? Does it come across as really cold? I worry about that.

That's how it is for me too, especially the part that I bolded. I do it to regain control of my emotions, but also to give the other party some space. When my emotions toward another person become flooded, I no longer can get an accurate gauge on whether I am smothering, and I lose all sense of good judgement.

I have some difficulty managing sympathy/empathy for people I am semi-close to that are going through something painful. I am vulnerable to a nearly obsessive desire to help, and when there is nothing that I can do, it is very troubling to me. A good example would be all of the times that my wife was pregnant and experiencing morning sickness. I wanted so badly to ease the suffering, and was powerless to do it. If I acted on this emotion, it would probably only serve to be a major nuisance to her in that state at best, and be profoundly provocative and enraging to her at worst. Some distance was required to get the perspective needed to be able to be helpful in a practical way (such as doing some chores that help her in her effort to get ready to go to work) instead of an emotional way.

Whenever anything triggers this kind of emotional flooding, space for both of us (me and the other party) is in both of our best interests, and is not meant to be hostile or passive aggressive. I am going through something like this right now with a friend, someone that I am close enough to that I know about what is going on, but not close enough to that I can really be emotionally supportive in a way that is meaningful vs just plain smothering or invasive. It is straining the relationship, and it is hurting my ability to look at the situation objectively and make good decisions. Unfortunately, I worry that my withdrawel will be interpreted as hostility, but if so, I am hopeful that will be short term and that it can be overcome in the long term. I wish I could feel more confident that would be the case, but if it doesn't turn out that way, than perhaps there isn't enough 'there' there to be too concerned about it either.