The Five Love Languages | INFJ Forum

The Five Love Languages

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jimtaylor

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May 19, 2010
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What are your feelings on the five love languages? Do you think it’s a joke? Do you believe we have primary ways of expressing affection?

The five:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

I personally like the description of the five love languages. I find myself being someone who primarily expresses through physical touch and I struggle with words of affirmation. The latter stems from the fact that I do not view myself as either ugly or handsome, I simply am. I don’t value my physical traits as highly as I do my mental traits. When I am dating, I sell my personality long before I sell my physical attributes which often results in confusion.

As multiple friends have pointed out and stated. I am the type of nerd guy who has no idea that he is attractive because he wasn’t the type of guy girls went after in high school. I never learned that I am a pretty handsome guy so that is something I am still trying to understand. I sell myself short constantly and so receiving compliments on my looks and giving compliments on physical appearances feels unnatural to me which causes me to blush in rather embarrassing manner. According to them, it is something that girls either find endearing about me or maddening.

I share this because I think often part of our preferred love language comes from our upbringing and environment. I don’t believe it’s hardwired per se and we can become equally strong in the other areas.
 
I think it's a solid theory and sometimes recommend someone to read about to improve their relationship.
The only problem it has is what it shares with all classifications. You can't put one unique person with one love language. Everyone has different preferences and they can change (although I expect they don't change quickly). Simply reading about this theory makes you realise that others might not experience the expression of love like you do. This realisation is very valuable and can only improve a relationship.

My love language would be the one about touch and the one about words. Acts of service doesn't really do anything to me and gifts only a little. Quality time is definitely good, but I don't see it as a proper expression of love.
 
I dunno if the model's been scientifically validated, but I personally use acts of service, quality time, and physical touch extensively with my partner. She deeply enjoys the support and I love being helpful to her.
 
It's no joke.

The way we interact with our families as we grow up....what we see as acts of love between our elders (parents for example)... all play a part in how we communicate and expect to receive love.
 
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jimtaylor said:
What are your feelings on the five love languages? Do you think it’s a joke? Do you believe we have primary ways of expressing affection?
Click to expand...

No joke, and a particularly useful book if partners have differing styles and difficulty communicating that.
 
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Physical Touch

These have always been important but I don't think one ranks higher than the other. I think the theory works best when we realize that each person may need different languages in specific situations, rather than expecting to give or receive the same love language in all scenarios.

Especially in long term relationships where couples have been together for a while, and may take each other for granted, it's important to be aware of keeping touch with what each other needs. In any case, making the effort to speak in the other person's love language, is important, rather than expecting a partner to be happy with however they're being shown love. For example, someone buys his partner jewelry believing they are giving them the world, when maybe they prefer quality time together regularly. However, maybe the gifts are being used to avoid quality time, which may be a red sign. So, in reality, it's not simply using the love languages that is important, but the spirit, heart, or motive with which it is conveyed or displayed.

So, what is satisfying to one has to, on some level, be satisfying to the other partner, or at least meet both their needs including a need to give, and the need to receive. If it satisfies only one, it will be tough to sustain over a longer period.

For the theory to work, both partners need to be willing to give and receive. Even if they both have the same love languages, they may prefer it in different ways. Each partner may have their own view of what is "quality time" e.g. activity vs. quiet time alone.
 
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I don't think it's a joke, but mine have changed 3 times over the years, so far. The only one I never really give a shit about is gifts. I am currently tied with quality time and acts of service.

Everyone else: Do yours change, or are they static?
 
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I would encourage anyone who hasn't read this book to do so (regardless of whether you’re single or in a relationship). It’s such an uncomplicated theory but so revolutionary and insightful. Not sure if it's an INFJ thing but people, behaviours and relationships fascinate me. I heard Dr Chapman on a radio interview years ago (it was literally only for a few minutes) but what he said in those brief moments prompted me to get a copy of the book. I devoured it and then gave it to my hubby (thinking he was going to rubbish it because in all honesty it's not particularly a "manly" book + he's an INTJ...don't think I need to say any more). :wink:

He read the whole book (possibly twice), gave copies to his parents (long story) and has recommended it to his guy friends and always suggests giving a copy to any of our friends getting married....all this promotion and he's not on commission! We also keep spare copies in the house for anyone just in case the need arises!
 
purplecrayons said:
I don't think it's a joke, but mine have changed 3 times over the years, so far. The only one I never really give a shit about is gifts. I am currently tied with quality time and acts of service.

Everyone else: Do yours change, or are they static?
Click to expand...

Gifts - I struggle with this one - it doesn't excite me, I really don’t get it and as hard as I try to get my head around it — I’m always left feeling like it’s a bit shallow. I often wonder if I’m the only woman on this planet that discourages their partner from buying gifts (particularly jewellery and flowers). I need to re-read this chapter again!

[MENTION=4015]purplecrayons[/MENTION] - I'm certain my language has been static - granted different languages surface depending on the situation but my primary language, quality time along with physical touch (from memory only separated by 2 points) is what fills my tank.
 
I read about the five love languages a while back, and I do find them interesting. I haven't come do understand whether there is a differens or not in the language when you show love or when you're feeling loved though. I suspect there is.
 
My boyfriend and I ran through some love languages tests. Once in a while we go through phases where we like to take personality quizzes, compatibility quizzes, etc. Both of us are very even with only slight preferences for one thing or another but overall gifts for us are lower on the spectrum even though we buy things (practical stuff) for each other all the time.

We've taken other tests that would indicate we are 100% incompatible lol. But our relationship is very solid. I think some stuff needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
 
Sorry for starting this and then not replying to anybody. I went on vacation and now i'm still trying to recover. :)
 
Oscillation said:
I read about the five love languages a while back, and I do find them interesting. I haven't come do understand whether there is a differens or not in the language when you show love or when you're feeling loved though. I suspect there is.
Click to expand...

If I understand correctly, I would agree that you can have a different language that you naturally show vs the one that you naturally want to receive. Its also likely to depend on the relationship and even to change within the same relationship just due to outside dynamics at play. Its more important to learn the languages so you can understand them then it is to pick one.
 
I've used these methods/languages to better navigate socially. It's important to note that the "love" languages aren't just for "lovers" but that we all appreciate these things with varying degrees from significant others, friendships and acquaintances alike.

Understanding the types of intimacy that people value goes a long way in gaining meaningful relationships of all kinds.

Knowing what you personally value (and how to ask for it) is also invaluable to your own mental health.
 
Maybe the 5 love languages are like cognitive functions. We use and need all of them but we have a preference?
 
jimtaylor said:
Maybe the 5 love languages are like cognitive functions. We use and need all of them but we have a preference?
Click to expand...

I wouldn't go so far as to generalize that "use and need all of them", but there are definitely preferences of having several in a certain order. I've met people that are completely oblivious to one language or another.
 
i think the love languages are valid and the key to being balanced in using and expressing them is to be flexible. being stuck on one type of love expression may hurt and limit or create tension. then against this is only derived after some experience and trial and error.

i think we can switch and develop new methods; as it will be dependent on the ever evolving self examination if the person find that their method is limiting them. my methods definitely evolved and changed as my relationship matures and grows. i was specifically using the gift or doing something for someone to show love and affection while my partner would be more direct and verbal which was very new to me. so yea; being open and flexible is always helpful.
 
This is interesting, I ask people about these every so often.

I think [MENTION=2710]jimtaylor[/MENTION] is onto something. So, I ranked mine.

I love words, compliments, verbal comfort. I like to spend time alone with just that person and give them all my attention during that time. Quality of Time over Quantity of time. Physical touch- I like to pet and grope, haha. nuff said. Gifts.. meh. Unless they are really practical, useful or meaningful.

This is how I feel loved.

1.Words of Affirmation
2.Quality Time
3.Physical Touch
4.Acts of Service
5.Receiving Gift


This is how I give love, more or less. I think.

1. Quality Time
2. Physical Touch
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Acts of Service
5. Giving Gifts
 
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