The Difficulty of Being a Straight Male INFJ... and having to hide it from society

[offtherim]

First of all, I'd like to start by saying this: being an INFJ is exhausting. It's mentally taxing and never-ending. My mind is racing twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, no matter if I'm awake or if I'm sleeping. During the waking hours, I'm constantly thinking, obsessing, analyzing, feeling, wondering about my future, reflecting on my past and, in general, contemplating the world and why it is the way it is. Some of these thoughts are grounded in reality, but many of them are daydreams, especially when I'm driving or if I have some downtime at work. I'm usually off in my own little world, creating little imaginary scenarios, like what it would be like to play shortstop for the Oakland Athletics or what it would be like to live in Iceland. And that's when I'm awake. When I'm asleep, there's no telling what my mind will come up with.

It's a 24/7 endeavor being an INFJ. You can't turn it off.

In some ways, I really like this about myself. I'm always 100-percent invested in whatever I'm working on. Always full-speed ahead, one hundred miles per hour, because it's so rewarding to be so invested in a work project or a hobby and know everything there is to know about a particular topic. I've seen every episode of my favorite sitcom at least 10 times. I've read my favorite book six times. I have a photographic and encyclopedia-like memory of my favorite sports teams. It's fun to be like this, because I feel so connected to things and take personal ownership of them.

But at the same time, I've found this to be a double-edged sword. My tendency to daydream, mixed with my emotional intensity, is an absolutely lethal and self-destructing combination when it comes to the dating game. As males, we're constantly bombarded with the same dating cliches and advice. "Play it cool," you're told. "Don't get too invested," or, "the person who cares least has the upper hand in the relationship." And in a sense, although a lot of these tidbits of advice come straight from How I Met Your Mother or He's Just Not That Into You or any of the other thousands of shows and movies in Hollywood that deal with these topics, I think there's a bit of truth to it. At first, when you meet someone new, you do need to play it cool a little bit, at least in my opinion. You need to try to take it slow, get to know her a little bit, and let everything play out naturally. In theory, this sounds like a great plan. You don't want to scare a girl off before you two even know each other on a serious level. You can't get too intense too fast.

And, as the saying goes, "therein lies the problem" for a straight INFJ male such as myself. It is impossible to "play it cool." I can't do it. I'm 23 years old, and I've tried and tried and tried, and constantly remind myself not to get too attached too fast with women, but I just can't. Just as I always daydreaming about playing Major League Baseball and could tell you on command which player won the American League MVP every year since 1966, the exact same thing happens when I meet a girl and either want to date her or have started dating her. There's no in-between, no such thing as "she seems cool, let's see where this goes" sort of thing for me. Right off the bat, if I'm attracted to you and want to get to know you, I immediately want to know everything about you. I'm immediately thinking about what the future would look like for us, what your family is like, whether you'd get along with my brothers when you come to visit the family, that sort of thing. The daydreams start, the idealization starts, and, honestly, it scares the living crap out of me. I hate it, hate it, hate it that I can't slow myself down, but I get lost in this fantasy land. And here's the biggest problem: I have to go to great lengths to hide this little fantasy world of mine. As a guy, this isn't how I'm supposed to act (although you could argue that nobody's ever really "supposed" to act a certain way). But to me, it's creepy to be this intense. I fully admit that and understand that, so I hide it. I show the outer mask of "playing it cool." I'm so worried that I'm going to screw up something perfect, and I turn into a shell of my former self. I'm not "me" anymore. Because while my "normal self" gets along terrific with women I'm not attracted to, or female friends of mine who have long-term boyfriends or are off-limits for one reason or another, the obsessive, intense alter ego version of myself clams up around women I'm attracted to. All of the sudden, it's like I'm that 14-year-old kid again who doesn't want the girl from my math class to know that I like her. Even though I'm an adult now, it's almost like I'm petrified that I'll leak my true feelings, and she'll be weirded out.

In the end, it's a nasty cycle. I meet a girl, immediately fall head over heels, then feel so afraid of coming on too strong that the opposite happens-- I don't come on strong enough. Then, things fizzle out, and I'm left overanalyzing and endlessly obsessing about what went wrong. This will go on for months sometimes. I went on a couple of dates with a girl I was really into back in the fall, and I'm still kicking myself for screwing it up. It's May! It's been months! I can't move on from things, and because it is so awful to carry this emotional crap with me on a daily basis, I sometimes find myself not even trying. Because, you know, what's the point of getting invested in someone romantically, if it's going to end up leaving me feeling horrible?

I think my INFJ qualities would make me a good person to be with in a relationship... you know how they always say we're intensely loyal, and that sort of thing. But first, I have to get past those initial stages in a relationship, and get over that paralyzing fear of rejection that I have, which is just not easy. The "fear of rejection" thing is kind of a cliched, unoriginal cop-out, but I don't know how else to describe it. I get into a dangerous mindset where I'd rather stay in my comfort zone than risk feeling like a fool, and obsessing for months and months how I could have possibly screwed things up with a girl I hardly even got to know (and probably idealized mostly based on my unrealistic fantasy world).

Like I said in the beginning: being an INFJ is mentally exhausting! Sometimes I wish I could be in a constant dream state. Things would be a lot easier that way!

 

[LucyJr]

It depends of what kinds of girls are you heading to. If you are more romantic and idealistic, then I would say try to go for the girls that are also like you.
I don't think its about being "intense" and "scary", or about "playing it cool" or not.
I think you are very passionate emotionaly, like Woodrow Wilson, the US president was, or Dostoievski, and its hard for you to contain your emotions.
And for women who don't like this kind of approach in relationships, or have pre-made stereotypes about that, this romantic approach would sound different or "scary" to them, at least for some period of their lives.

So I would say try to go for women who enjoy romantism and emotional affection. There has to be there some of them. I heard that American culture kills anything which is romantic and sublime, but I don't think its true.
ENFPs and ENFJs types are usualy very romantic.

 

[LucyJr]

And I would also like to suggest, being INFJ /=/ being dreamy and idealistic. If you feel your dreaminess makes your life miserable, you can change it. It takes perseverence and practice, but it can be done.

 

[BrokenDaniel]

Express your feelings to her then... You don't have to be a creep. It is difficult, i know, love is a beautiful thing, but if you want to experience it more, then you should open yourself to be hurt, and to hurt too actually.

Take [MENTION=9401]LucyJr[/MENTION]'s advice too, when you start to define, or put yourself in a box like saying that for being a male INFJ you have so much diifficulty in relationships... Then, you're limiting yourself to stay this way, and making excuses to not take charge of this, like going out and meet new people, and hopefully prove yourself wrong on your own assumptions of your personality, and the limitations that come with it.

 

[dudemanbro]

[double post]

 

[dudemanbro]

You describe it just so
E lo quent ly off the rim
and have a damn good user name too.

When a train is off the rails
and flying high in the skies of Love
Cannabis doesn't help
confuddles me and makes my fantasies more amazing.

The truth of the matter
the source of it all
is not internal
but neither is it not.

I totally feel you my buddy my man
I've struggled with people
especially those I loved
Still I love them
all the same
and make the sources
of
my
love
the love of the game.

The game is life,
baffles me to no end
full of everyone so
many people to love

love them all and let this provide
the love we all seek deep inside

The game knows all
It exists within you
It created all things
Imaginary boundaries

I know every inch of her face
the wrinkles, the dimples
the scar on her neck
and the elegant blonde hair
the beautiful eyes
where I take life
into the skies
where Love provides
and hope will never ever surely die

Yet verily verily I say unto you
when love for the game dost surely die
you will die
and nothing can replace it.

Make this thing we tend to call God
all multiverses and the Creator of it all
If this is the focus of your life
you will ascend into heaven

And your woman may
accept an invitation
to ascend
with you

That is how a relationship is formed
in the heaven of your mind
Your real mind

Not that reality we know and love
which invents amazing things
and disturbs the dove

Give her your all
and love her deeply!
this is the key
not her
me

I AM
that
I AM.

<3

 

[dudemanbro]

Obsess over the real her, whom you can only get to know with time.
Love is patient.

 

[say what]

I meet a girl, immediately fall head over heels, then feel so afraid of coming on too strong that the opposite happens-- I don't come on strong enough.

You're playing the standard 'play it cool' game. Don't. Be honest and yourself. If you're interested in her, be interested and let her know.

 

[Kolmio]

I'm female but I have the same problem. I plan the wedding after first date. I obsess about my crush and he's always in the back of my mind. It's very difficult to mask this or act as if it wasn't going on. Luckily I found a boyfriend who doesn't mind this. I'm sure there are women who love you as you are. You just have to find them and lift your spirits. I know dating is hard but it pays off in the end.

 

[aureliusandoinky]

As an INFJ female, a little younger than you, I can completely relate to this. I am way too intense as well. I plan how many kids I want, our wedding day, I picture your family, our dogs, cats, house, EVERYTHING in the first few days. If I like you I will picture it. It is frustrating, even as a female. You're probably thinking it's easier for us, and maybe it is to some degree, but I still suffer the same way in which you do. Being like this is awful in some ways. Especially when you play it too cool and just as you described they get scared off. INFJ's are just TOO romantic. I become like a cold robot when I like someone. Society isn't cool with us being like "Hi, I like you. Let's plan our wedding asap." (ESPECIALLY as a female; let them chase, right?) I wouldn't do that anyway, BUT in an attempt to save myself from being totally wounded by a guy, I shut off feelings. It definitely works against us. I think I recently scared off a guy by being too curt. He's also the first guy I've ever really, really liked. He seemed like an ideal match, but he probably thought I was a rude and materialistic instead of the overly gushy loving girl that I am inside. Dating is terrible! And I say this without ever having had a boyfriend too. I scare them off before that can even happen, so count yourself lucky that you can actually achieve the date part.

Now then, here is my advice part. You may be going for the shallow girls that want a mysterious guy. That's total BS. Some girls such as myself want straight forward and honest. Honest girls appreciate honest guys. How you start a relationship is how it will last. How you catch the girl is what you will keep her with. If she doesn't like you for you, forget her! One of the couples in my life that I admire so much began talking about marriage and kids in the first two weeks of dating. There is no rule that says you can't. That thing about whoever cares less has the power is wrong. That isn't a healthy way to begin a relationship. Be intentional, and you may just attract the type of girl that you're looking for.

 

[the]

So basically being a male INFJ is the same as being Tayor Swift.

 

[LucyJr]

Some of the best sentimental players I heard of are INFJs...

 

[dudemanbro]

I feel this way about THE UNIVERSE, whatever that means. I feel it all the damn time, lately. It's so awesome, sometimes humiliating, and all too often it can so completely overwhelm me, the passion... the passion... the passion!

EVERYTHING IS SO INTENSE.

 

[Keirouen]

Being an INTJ of any gender and sexual oriantation is difficult. Being an INTJ Female is seriously difficult. It's pretty hard to fit in when all the other girls are swooning about the next vampire romance novel and talking about which heels look better. Being a lesbian INTJ female I'd argue is the most difficult. Mainly it's that it's easier for an INTJ female to connect/converse/find common interest with the male bellcurve rather than the female bellcurve. And men seem to fansy the ultra rare/almost non-existent INTJ women.

Yup! You're not the only one with personality type related difficulites when it comes to love

 

[Molvas]

I have the same problem where I fall head over heels with women all the time I have done it so much though I know not to trust my feelings completely and to stay rational.i go to myself do you like her looks ok good... check like her personilty ok... check ask her out... check isn't single doh....maybe if I stay friends with her and she breaks up with her boyfriend I,ll get a chance ........waits doesn't break up......play flirtaous games for fun move on the cycle repeats I stay single.im getting better though at just immediately asking women out that meet my criteria instead of taking time working up the nerve to,saves me a lot of headache and heartache.Im picky though so Its hard for me to find someone.

 

[Dave Fallon]

I've felt this way when I was younger as well. I think that, with age and experience, the "instant rush" cools off a little and you're able to approach a relationship with a little more ration. That doesn't help when you're in your teens, twenties or even early thirties and in this kind of agony, but that's my perspective. When I met my wife, I think I played the "play it cool" game a little early on, but as we got used to one another, we found a pace for our relationship that worked for both of us. I believe that can happen for everyone, but it is very difficult to see it until you've dated quite a bit.

 

[SpecialEdition]

All of the INFJ males that I have known so far have been very passionate and dramatic and prone to getting head over heels not just about their romantic interests, but in their friendships, in their interests and hobbies, etc. INFJ's are not a half-assed type of person. They may seem that way from the outside because they just operate so differently, but when it matters to an INFJ they are either all in, or all out. There's just no half way.

Some people do not understand this about the INFJs and can get really put off by it. I think that when you're younger it's important to be with people who get you and who can relate to you, and if not, then who can act as your balance. This can be hard to find...

A lot of INFJ's tend to fall for INTJ's because the INTJ is very similar to the INFJ in that they are all or nothing. They are specific in their passions and desires. They fall head over heels fast but emotions are very complicated and bizarre for INTJ's but there seems to be an innate chemistry that exists between the two. When they come together it can be very powerful and sweep you off your feet but it rarely lasts. At least that is what I have seen.

Don't worry about it. In time we all grow and develop and "even out." We find ourselves and have a more solid foundation to build on so we're not just piling everything up and hoping it'll stick.

Being a young INFJ seems to be terrifying and enlightening and heart breaking but also brilliant. Don't worry about it.

 

[Molvas]

I've felt this way when I was younger as well. I think that, with age and experience, the "instant rush" cools off a little and you're able to approach a relationship with a little more ration. That doesn't help when you're in your teens, twenties or even early thirties and in this kind of agony, but that's my perspective. When I met my wife, I think I played the "play it cool" game a little early on, but as we got used to one another, we found a pace for our relationship that worked for both of us. I believe that can happen for everyone, but it is very difficult to see it until you've dated quite a bit.

This is how im hoping it will work out for me,i got another girls number at work it took two months of talking to her and flirting with her to work u the nerve to get it and I,ll ask her on a date at work or Monday when im off ,but I feel like I don't like her now she doesn't seem intelligent enough to interest me,she is very attractive though a 10/10 and she has a nice personality and seems really sweet she is only 18 though and just going to college and I feel like there is a maturity gap and If I get into a relationship with her it will distract me from my classes and I should be more crazy for her to make that kind of investment.I started being happy and content being single to and don't feel like dealing with someone who is not emotional mature,I will ask her to coffee though and see how it goes I feel like I might be to focused on finshing college and getting a better job to be in a relationship now its just I feel like im getting to old to not be in a serious relationship.Im a virgin to and I feel like there is a stigma against male virgins over 21 and once I reach a certain age,I,ll go into the dating event horizon where I will be auto rejected for not being a manwhore when I was teen.Then I will never be able to get married ever,but im over 21 already so I don't thing it really matters if I lose my virginity and would rather have sex for the first time with some one I really like,and I woud really like to have sex before I die to,but at the same time I want it to be when im in a relationship with some one and not a one night stand.

 

[Dave Fallon]

but I feel like I don't like her now she doesn't seem intelligent enough to interest me,she is very attractive though a 10/10 and she has a nice personality and seems really sweet she is only 18 though and just going to college and I feel like there is a maturity gap and If I get into a relationship with her it will distract me from my classes and I should be more crazy for her to make that kind of investment.

I know. I felt that way as well. There's a worry you'll be wasting things with a person: time, emotions, money, you name it. Here's what I've found, though, in an anecdote about job seeking. A while back I was unhappy with my current employer and decided I would look around for another job. Needless to say, it has gotten a lot more complicated since I first had gotten the job 11 years before. Resume's were rarely read by a human, but instead passed through algorithms. The first phone interview was incredibly stressful, and I'd need to find a way to get away from my job secretly to do it. Then, there's no such thing as a one-interview hire. For the job I eventually got, I went through three interviews.

It took me over a year to get a job. For the first six months of looking, I never even got a call, though I was probably qualified for most of what I was applying for. After that, three months of phone interviews with no follow up. Then I finally got face-to-face interviews at three different companies. For two of them, I never got a second interview, but the third I did, and two interviews later I got a call with an offer. It was less money than I wanted, and possibly less challenge, but I took it and I have been happy since.

The reason I tell you this story is that, all through that torturous year of searching, I felt like I was wasting my time. I wrote careful resumes, read article after article about how to beat ATS algorithms; I wrote out every interview question I could think of and my answers in a ten-page document. Why was I wasting my time?! The fact is, though, that each resume I wrote, each phone interview I did, and each face-to-face interview I did, though they were uncomfortable and embarrassing and awkward and ultimately depressing when I wouldn't get a second call, I learned. I got better at it. My resumes got crisper, leaner, more concentrated. On phone interviews I learned how to small talk better, to sound pleasant and not too eager. In face-to-face interviews I learned to smile more, to look more relaxed.

Dating is the same way. I learned that, no matter how great the potential for getting a particular job as I was working on my resume, most of the attempts failed. In dating, it was the same. Getting the number, calling, doing a first date, I would think there was great potential for this to be THE ONE, and all of them failed. But in each case, I learned and got better at dating in general.

When I got my job, it actually did not seem like a great move to me at first. I think this is the same as what you are expressing about the girl you're currently talking to. When I got the offer, I did hesitate an instant, and then took the plunge. This is the same as if you go through the early dating stuff (calls, meeting up, coffee, getting little gifts for each other, etc) and you don't know if you want to get more serious. I'm not saying you should definitely get more serious even if you have reservations! But, you should take those reservations with a grain of salt. No one is perfect, but you may find someone's imperfections actually endear them to you more.

Bottom line of all that gobbledygook above: Try not to put any pressure on yourself about relationships. Take a person you are dating as they are, you can't expect to change them. If you don't think it is working out, don't let your "I'm wasting time" instincts guide you, as you are not wasting time if you are learning about her and about yourself. But when there's nothing more to learn, nothing more to give or take, you'll know it and, often, that point is a two-way street and you can end the relationship as painlessly as possible.

I started being happy and content being single to and don't feel like dealing with someone who is not emotional mature,I will ask her to coffee though and see how it goes I feel like I might be to focused on finshing college and getting a better job to be in a relationship now its just I feel like im getting to old to not be in a serious relationship.Im a virgin to and I feel like there is a stigma against male virgins over 21 and once I reach a certain age,I,ll go into the dating event horizon where I will be auto rejected for not being a manwhore when I was teen.Then I will never be able to get married ever,but im over 21 already so I don't thing it really matters if I lose my virginity and would rather have sex for the first time with some one I really like,and I woud really like to have sex before I die to,but at the same time I want it to be when im in a relationship with some one and not a one night stand.

I remember feeling that way as well. Looking back, I can see that was utter bullshit. Utter. There's no rule on when you should or shouldn't be in a serious relationship. That's social pressure and superficial people influencing you. You are in your early twenties, you should not be pressured to be something you are not. I know you are feeling the pressure. But when you are in your late twenties and early thirties you will look back and see how stupid that is, now immature it is. You will see it; you can't see it now.

I lost mine on a one-night-stand and regret it. At the same time, I'm grateful I had to chance to learn. As time goes by and you look back, you'll see that's all it was: learning. All the nervousness on the first date, all of the panic when arguments strain the relationship, all of the heartbreak when one ends, all of the giddiness before one begins, and back again to the nervousness on yet another first date. It all seemed to matter at the time; none of it matters now that I'm married and happy.

I think the worst thing you can do is respond to the pressure and really screw up your life. That's a real danger. Marrying the wrong person, getting emotionally involved in someone who uses or abuses you, spending years in a relationship that isn't working just because society says you should have lost your virginity by now or that you should be married by now or that a relationships has to be this or that. It's so utter bullshit and makes me sad that it occupied my heart and mind so long in my youth, but from each instance, I learned.

Hope that helps! Sorry for so long a post...

 

[Molvas]

Thanks that is some great advice,you should be a therapist lol I m gonna keep doing what im doing and not worry about and just be open to meeting people,that seems like the best course of action