The desire to be close but also the fear of it | INFJ Forum

The desire to be close but also the fear of it

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jimtaylor

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May 19, 2010
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I’m struggling through some thoughts and bouts of loneliness right now. To put it simply, I feel disconnected from everyone. I am social, I go out, I see friends but something feels like its missing, something more fulfilling. I want a deeper connection with another person but I have no idea what it is or who it is or anything for that matter. I feel like I am going through the motions but my heart isn’t in it and I’m struggling to find a way out of the rut.

At the same time I desire a deeper connection with someone, I also fear it. It goes back to that old insecurity of if anyone ever actually saw my personal demons; they would run the other direction even if I am taking care of them myself. I guess it’s also pride and ego. At the end of the day, I don’t want anyone to see the insecure or sensitive side of my personality. I’ve gotten better at it compared to when I first joined this forum thanks to some generous individuals here but it’s still always a challenge.

It is a painful to feel like one aspect of my personality is never enough, it’s inadequate, and it’s unmanly and too sensitive. It feels like a crutch, like a hindrance and I hate saying that because it’s probably the best aspect of who I am.

I was really wondering if anybody else goes through this and what have they done to get over it?
 
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Going through that right now :/
 
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You know, friendship is a process or evolution over time. They either grow or die. I've had friends where the chemistry did not exist at first, but we both were consistently interested in being friends ... she is and will always be one of my best friends now. I can tell her anything, and even though she will lend her opinion I know she is not judging me (even if it is adversarial.) What I have found is that you have certain friends that feed into certain needs of your life. You don't have to hold all your eggs in one basket. You also have to remember that "this too shall pass." I know that doesn't help you in this very moment, but in some way it might be comforting to understand that this will be a bygone in a relatively short period of time ... and also that it is nothing new. There are so many others around you who feel this way. SO ... what can you proactively do about it? Don't wait for the chemistry ... you can put forth the effort, b/c there are so many out there MORE reserved than you just waiting for you to introduce yourself to them. :)
 
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At the time I didn't want to take anyone down with me, so I isolated myself.

Something I learned; time alone doesn't fix everything, I think it is important to stay in motion.
 
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Sometimes a certain amount of alone time can give you enough time to reflect on whether you really desire that intimacy.

Taking a break, I realized that I am still willing to pursue this, to make myself vulnerable and open myself up to possible joy and/or heartbreak. But there was definitely a healthy dose of nihilism/cynicism/hopelessness that was needed before I could make that decision.
 
I know exactly how you feel and it´s not just a phrase.I often felt disconnected from my "friends" but I realized long time ago, that not many people in my life are trustworthy. I could sense that. They saw me just as an option, it was a one way street. They talked to me, we had a good time but it felt very lonely. I did not wanted to open up even to my boyfriend... or it did not come as easy for me. But eventually I said what the hell and said everything to him, I cried, it was ugly. We surely scared each other with our demons and but I don´t want to just adore somebody. I want to like raw dysfunctional human being. I am not out of this mess yet but I would advice you to focus on people´s positive aspects. Open up just to right ones. Don´t overthink. And find source of your discomfort, maybe it is something very specific.Or someone.

Maybe offtopic but :

“She had blue skin,
And so did he.
He kept it hid
And so did she.
They searched for blue
Their whole life through,
Then passed right by-
And never knew.”


― Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It
 
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Sriracha said:
"this too shall pass." :)
Click to expand...

You are right about this. I am already feeling a thousand times better then when I posted this. I still have my moments of feeling lonely and desiring more but it's less prevalent now. This was one of those perfect circle of events that made me realize those emotions. I hadn't worked out in over a week because I have been at the office every night until 8pm and there every morning at 6am. I was eating like crap because of that and also I am traveling and away from my routine. I did a five mile trail run yesterday and hit the gym and then today I swam, went to the gym and sat in the sauna. Now that loneliness doesn't seem as daunting. Just another challenge but now that I am back to taking care of the physical me, I feel good enough to take on the mental and emotional side.
 
The reason you are feeling this is because we infjs are cursed with a bundle of contradictions. We are 50/50 both emotional and logical . Look we are very rear as well so only a few people in your life may have the same urge to discuss things as deep as you want and that's really okey . There are people though who will not judge you for who you are and understand you well . It's just hard to find people in the age when truth and sincerity are not pervailing.


Anyhowww, it doesn't matter if they understand you or not , as long as you have your self you are complete . Don't lie to yourself and tell it you need someone to be complete . You are full and wonderfull and a thousand stars yourself .
Tell that to your self when you wake up everymorning and slap your ass if your heart dares to feel sad about it . If you have any bad habits , then replace them and things will get in track at end .


And remember , if you lost yourself you lose everything. ❤❤
 
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This thread is from 2014.

Anyway, it's so easy to think about what you want all of the time but you've also got to think about what women want. Honestly, women generally don't want to be your parent. You've got to toughen up, improve yourself, and demonstrate to women that your genes are worth passing on.

Go to the gym, start a business or become gainfully employed within a profession that provides enough for a wife and children. Also, try to learn about a woman's values before you marry her. Yes I said it, marry her. Don't get distracted by the pretty packaging.
 
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