The Chance To Change

[Rain]

My mom has been abusive most of my life, but I recently indirectly confronted her about it. She and her boyfriend had a rather long discussion with me, on how they think I am mentally unstable, should not move out because of her abuse, and that, I am, at least half of the reason I was abused physically and mentally. They told me that I must attend personal counseling with a therapist or psychologist to 'fix' me, and that I must attend joint therapy with my mother in order to repair our broken relationship that of course, is my fault. She has promised not to hit me again, which I take at face value. She was surprised to find out that when she hit me or pulled my hair etc it actually hurt my feelings. I have yet to see how her logic works -but anyways sidetracking- she wants to basically keep me from moving in with my father no matter what. My father is an alcoholic, but a very calm one. He drinks to wind down, though it is more than you would think healthy, but is the opposite of violent or confrontational. I, who abhor the idea of intoxication in general, wish to go to this situation rather than be in my current home environment. My mother's only reasoning she provided for it being a bad idea that I go live with my father was that he is an alcoholic, and that she does not want me raised to think alcoholism is normal and that I should marry someone that is an alcoholic. I fail to see the logic where I would /ever/ think such was condonable. Sigh. I was wondering, from a third party perspective, should I genuinely give this therapy thing a shot, or should I try to get in contact with a social worker?

Just for info,
my mother is going through a very stressful divorce with her undiagnosed but obviously bipolar ex husband who I lived with for 10 years and experienced physical and mental abuse from as well.
I live with my mother, my little sister and my mother's new boyfriend[who was her boss when she started a relationship with him, and she was married to her previous husband].
My father lives with my step mom and his three youngest sons, along with my uncle. Oh, and I just turned 17 on the 26th.

 

[Gaze]

tough situation - i recommend seeing a counselor alone, rather than with your mother.

 

[Reon]

tough situation - i recommend seeing a counselor alone, rather than with your mother.

I would say individual counseling first. I don't think group counseling would be beneficial in your situation.

 

[Zero Angel]

Awwww.... *hugs*

 

[jn56uytrx]

From a third party perspective, I would give both the individual and joint therapy a genuine shot. No matter where you ultimately end up living, the potential for addressing the personal impact of having lived in such a difficult environment (through individual therapy) and for improving an important intimate relationship in your life (joint therapy) seems worth the investment.

Just leaving and going to another dysfunctional environment (though less violent) seems like limping away with wounds still in place and running the risk of incurring further injury. Staying and seeking medical care for the wounds both you and your mom have holds the potential for you both to heal.

 

[Kgal]

From a third party perspective, I would give both the individual and joint therapy a genuine shot. No matter where you ultimately end up living, the potential for addressing the personal impact of having lived in such a difficult environment (through individual therapy) and for improving an important intimate relationship in your life (joint therapy) seems worth the investment.

Just leaving and going to another dysfunctional environment (though less violent) seems like limping away with wounds still in place and running the risk of incurring further injury. Staying and seeking medical care for the wounds both you and your mom have holds the potential for you both to heal.

I agree with Tovlo.

I'm sorry you are caught up in such a very difficult situation. I surely do not believe you caused the abusive treatment they blame you for. Adults always have a choice as to how they train and discipline their children.

Any good counselor will want to see you with your family, or the people who are acting as parental role models to you. I know you realize children's personalities are shaped largely by their environment. That means your home life, and school life, etc. These elements form your System. Where you go to church(if you do), what it's like in your school, your siblings, your mother, your step father, your extra curricular activities (softball, volleyball, band, choir, math club, photography club, art, etc). These are examples only.

All of the ways you engage in life are important pieces of the puzzle of you.

Your counselor/therapist will wish to have you and a few others talk about what they see as you go about living your life. This process is not done for immediate judgment. It is done to gather data and information. If I were meeting you for the first time, I would be asking you to think about who you talk to, what you do, when do you do it, and where do you go, on any given day in your life. Next, we would then draw an EcoMap of you that shows your life system and the interactions. This would help guide me in future conversations with you. Although I am not a counselor, I have been trained in assessing individuals, families, and groups - using this tool for evaluation purposes - and it's very effective.

Asking the parents to attend the initial sessions could provide the counselor with information on the parenting styles used on you. It is also a good way to get the parents to relax and trust the counselor.
You say you want to leave your Mom and live with Dad. She is opposed to that idea. If you go see a therapist and the therapist agrees with you, your Mom will feel as if the counselor is now her enemy - yes?

So please consider meeting with the counselor/therapist with your family. I'm pretty sure that when the counselor/therapist is ready - they will ask to see you individually.

I hope things work out for you.

 

[the]

Live with your father.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

My 2 cents

I think you should live with your father for now if you feel more free there. He sounds like he really loves you (which i'm sure both your parents do) but I think you are old enough to make a responsible decision on your own. I'm glad you realize that drinking daily is NOT healthy but if he's a happy drunk then its not that bad. Keep a close relationship with your mom and be there for her because she may need you right now but not want to admit it. Perhaps thats why she wants you to stay so bad. Divorces suck for everyone.

Also if you move in with your dad don't drink his alcohol. My dad let me start drinking at a very young age and I started struggling with drinking issues before I was even 21. Wait till your 21 at least.

And see personal and w/mom counseling. The better you understand your mom the easier it will be for everyone.

All this is easier said than done but its my 2 cents. Good luck.

p.s. My pops is a happy drunk and I think thats important for you to know when taking my advise. I've never had experience with divorce or abuse.

 

[Faye]

First of all, it is not your fault at all that she has abused you even if you are mentally unstable in some way (which, given the circumstances, would also be her fault).

I think therapy would be fine as long as you find the therapist helpful. This sounds like another attempt at your mother controlling you to be honest, but that does not necessarily mean it will work and that it wont help you and your mother.

Also, if you think it would be better to be with your dad and can move, do it. Obviously, living with an alcoholic doesn't automatically turn you into one. You will always have that choice, but being abused is something that will affect you negatively regardless.

I'm sorry if that was too blunt, but you've probably already realized all this. It is a situation where you have to choose between the lesser of evils, but whatever you do, don't believe that it is your fault and blame yourself. Your mother sounds like she has some serious issues and doesn't take responsibility for herself. I really don't know if there is a good way of dealing with her.