Ten years and still stupid

[Morningshtar]

Hey guys,

So this is my first thread, and I want to thank you for all warm welcome.

And here I am, bring my problem to this forum (feel bit guilty) but I need to, to see other perspectives, because I stuck, and I hate it. So thank you in advance.

Long story short, I have some questions

1. How do you boxed and compartmentalize ur emotion and feelings?

The story:
I hate that I ve been stuck with this love I have for my exbf (he's tested once as INTJ, but yeah pretty much he is colder than me). Since we both married now, the outcome is clear. We can't be together.

So this is my self-defend : I blame this feeling inside me that very strong it get in my way. Never had this before. It makes me lost hope and purpose in live, a passion. Noted that I have plenty of free time. I know it is a problem. I ve been trying to focus to my own real problem. But this emotion is really destructive and get in the way. I envy him, he's got a god live, good job, a kid and best wife I think.
He function well! He told me he still love me but lets face it, we can't be together. That's it. He compartmentalizes easily.

2. How to manage the lost?

I mean, does it healthier for me just to put my feelings on the box and just keep focus on my reality. Accept also ignored at the same time, and hoping that it will fade someday just longer than predicted? (it's been ten years since the first romantic involvement with him).

Because, my reality is really sucks, I can never imagined I would settle for something like this. These five years I ve been compromize a lot, somehow tolerant and feelings, they crushed me instead of makes me stronger and better and I hate me for that. I think I just couldn't handle my emotion anymore. What should I tell myself?

3. How to let it go, atleast in reality to cut all ties w him, and is that better way for me?

After he married for two years (to an Intelligent, religious, nice classmates. Way better than me. We all were at the same year and class in university, this alone has been hard impact for me, as all communities knew us as a couple, some of our classmates did make fun of me), we had our first communication. It blew my theory because after two years of nothing, we still love each other and I still sucks.
Or maybe I need to cut and force myself not to communicate w him step by step? I mean first is two years, then five maybe, until I could totally cut him forever. Because I'm tired of fighting this urge to contact him. I might as well just do what my emotion wants. Cold turkey on love?

I ve been trying to manage and take care of my body, though still far from perfect but it helps. The main thing is my feeling and my mind are scattered, I'm almost always in the cloud I don't know whats best anymore for me. My friends gave me advice of course, that its best to cut all ties and evrything, but what I want to know is how to handle all that inside me, my heart and my head.

I tried blocked all, that didn't work since I could easily open it anytime I want. I ve asked him to lock his socmed and block my number. He said "I can't lock my IG because my wife would questioned it".

oh he did blocked my whats app just seconds after my rant and I was shocked and cried obviously and I texted him demanding to open my whats app. He did open again and frustated (leave it all to me) as he did what I asked and he still wrong anyway.
As for now we can't meet again because he changes work on another continent. Before this we live in different town and that's when he had a job in my town we met couple of times.

To sum up, we facilitate each other egos. His behavior towards me is jerk, but somehow I understand. I am the one who toxic.

As for our spouses,
He said he did not have problem in his marriage. He just told me that he did not know exactly what love really is but he know he cares for his wife, find comfort and everything, it's just that with all that things in his life, its not that a big of a 'something' that could prevent our thing (if my word could make sense). The reality was he still with me (communicate, met up and everything, but no sexual encountered-he asked, i refused, as much as I was craving for it, I won't destroy myself that fast).

And as for my marriage, its far from perfect. I do love, respect and care for my husband. But this feeling for my ex just to much. And my defend is that my encounter w my ex doesnt have anything to do w whatever my current state is.

Ok, that's just it. Again, thank you all. Feel guilty and stupid to open up like this, classic case, so weak inside. I'm ashamed yet I need to end this for my own sake.

I hope my words is easy to understand. And something good come from my ramble.

Wow long thread!

 

[Wyote]

Sounds like you aren't happy with your current relationship and so you see your past as a way of escaping your current problems instead of facing them. In doing this you are sabotaging both yourself and your ex and attempting to ruin both of your chances at real happiness. Your relationship with your ex ended for a reason. You're only hurting yourself and him by believing you can return to the past. Find what you're missing in your current relationship and fix it or move on to somebody new who will make you forget about your ex who is currently in bed with someone else.

 

[Morningshtar]

Sounds like you aren't happy with your current relationship and so you see your past as a way of escaping your current problems instead of facing them. In doing this you are sabotaging both yourself and your ex and attempting to ruin both of your chances at real happiness. Your relationship with your ex ended for a reason. You're only hurting yourself and him by believing you can return to the past. Find what you're missing in your current relationship and fix it or move on to somebody new who will make you forget about your ex who is currently in bed with someone else.

Thank you. I get it and I agreed with u. I tell myself if my life get better then I could forget him. That's one theory I'm trying to prove. I told him that too.

But how do I control my mind, feelings and everything while I do whats best for me? Because my head always believe that no one can make me 'leave' him, atleast so far. Not that my other ex weren't great, but I keep coming back to him and vice versa. It is very hard to me to rebuild all ideas about me n my ex.

 

[Wyote]

As far as compartmentalizing goes, I don't really believe in it aside from using it as a short term tool to survive specific circumstances. It's unhealthy to deny yourself your own feelings generally. Unrequited love is tough though, it's best to keep reminding yourself of the reality of the situation instead of the fantasy you build up. You're both with other people. He wants to be with his wife (from what you've indicated). You want to be with someone outside of your marriage.

You'll have to figure out how to open your heart to a new person. It's not an easy thing for anyone. Nobody will be him but they can be great in their own way.

 

[Morningshtar]

As far as compartmentalizing goes, I don't really believe in it aside from using it as a short term tool to survive specific circumstances. It's unhealthy to deny yourself your own feelings generally. Unrequited love is tough though, it's best to keep reminding yourself of the reality of the situation instead of the fantasy you build up. You're both with other people. He wants to be with his wife (from what you've indicated). You want to be with someone outside of your marriage.

You'll have to figure out how to open your heart to a new person. It's not an easy thing for anyone. Nobody will be him but they can be great in their own way.

Just telling a story,
That's the thing I hate from myself. Because he's such a jerk, I still have one tiny feeling that we could be together. Because I believe he stay mainly because of his little kid. Or from what I know, he is a coward if it concerning us. I don't want to hurt our spouses either. all that left me with false believe. Those believes I have, many of it is because his respons too. But yeah I admitted I am no longer in his future plans. It should be a deal breaker for me. But it isn't. With other people I could cut easily. I stay 'loyal' to my marriage (some guy flirt with me and I rejected). The only one weaken me is him. I hate it. I keep reminding myself the reality. But I still loose.

I'll take ur advice, figure out to open my heart again though I ve been trying to really love my husband, just because I ve never want anyone else, it's just adding too much confusion. This is all too abstract for me

I told u before right, i suspect I tend to sabotage my life and now Im sure of it.

Thank you for ur respond Wyote, I really appreciated much

 

[Morningshtar]

Just telling a story,
That's the thing I hate from myself. Because he's such a jerk, I still have one tiny feeling that we could be together. Because I believe he stay mainly because of his little kid. Or from what I know, he is a coward if it concerning us. I don't want to hurt our spouses either. all that left me with false believe. Those believes I have, many of it is because his respons too. But yeah I admitted I am no longer in his future plans. It should be a deal breaker for me. But it isn't. With other people I could cut easily. I stay 'loyal' to my marriage (some guy flirt with me and I rejected). The only one weaken me is him. I hate it. I keep reminding myself the reality. But I still loose.

I'll take ur advice, figure out to open my heart again though I ve been trying to really love my husband, just because I ve never want anyone else, it's just adding too much confusion. This is all too abstract for me

I told u before right, i suspect I tend to sabotage my life and now Im sure of it.

Thank you for ur respond Wyote, I really appreciated much

Nevermind, wyote was right.
I asked him just minutes ago. and he said yes, he wants to be with his wife forever.

The case is now officially become unrequited love. Why the f*ck he had the nerve to tell me that he loved me, I mean not that long, like 2 months ago.

Thank you Wyote, again, thank you

 

[Rowan Tree]

And here I am, bring my problem to this forum (feel bit guilty)

Feel guilty and stupid to open up like this, classic case, so weak inside. I'm ashamed yet I need to end this for my own sake.

Hi Morningshtar, it sounds as if you are struggling with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. This might well be a common INFJ trait and while humility is important, it should never become self-castigation. It's important in relationships that you feel good about yourself too; otherwise, patterns of dependency can develop.

1. How do you boxed and compartmentalize ur emotion and feelings?

I've done this in the past, during more difficult periods. I don't think there's a trick to it, but when things get bad, some people become emotionally numb. But it's not advisable and not at all a bad sign that you find it difficult to ignore your emotions. In some senses, you need to compartmentalise to function; clearly, at work or in your community you need to present a certain version of yourself. However, in your private life and with the people you trust, boxing your emotions is unhealthy. Freud is right that the repressed always returns. You need to work through feelings by making them concrete (talking about them, journaling, etc) and try to grasp that they don't have power over what is essential, living a good life as a human being—which is to say a social animal endowed with reason. I recommend reading and experimenting with mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy and Stoicism.

2. How to manage the lost?

3. How to let it go, atleast in reality to cut all ties w him, and is that better way for me?

It sounds as if the bond needs to be cut so that you can mourn and grow. Keeping these kinds of ties is often a way to defer the difficult work of grief and the pain that it conjures. Also, as @Wyote quite rightly notes, you might be avoiding the more immediate challenges associated with your current relationship. As hard as it might be, I get the impression you know that cutting ties is the right course. As for the how, tell him that you intend to go your own way and, if possible, delete contact details, even block his accounts on social media. Avoid things you associate with him. And more generally, although it might seem a digression, cultivate good habits in your life—the temptation towards self-destructive bahaviours is likelier when your days are going poorly and lack focus or a sense of meaning that can be provided by routines, long-term projects and accomplishments.

 

[Wyote]

Keeping these kinds of ties is often a way to defer the difficult work of grief and the pain that it conjures.

Indeed

 

[Morningshtar]

Hi Morningshtar, it sounds as if you are struggling with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. This might well be a common INFJ trait and while humility is important, it should never become self-castigation. It's important in relationships that you feel good about yourself too; otherwise, patterns of dependency can develop.



I've done this in the past, during more difficult periods. I don't think there's a trick to it, but when things get bad, some people become emotionally numb. But it's not advisable and not at all a bad sign that you find it difficult to ignore your emotions. In some senses, you need to compartmentalise to function; clearly, at work or in your community you need to present a certain version of yourself. However, in your private life and with the people you trust, boxing your emotions is unhealthy. Freud is right that the repressed always returns. You need to work through feelings by making them concrete (talking about them, journaling, etc) and try to grasp that they don't have power over what is essential, living a good life as a human being—which is to say a social animal endowed with reason. I recommend reading and experimenting with mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy and Stoicism.





It sounds as if the bond needs to be cut so that you can mourn and grow. Keeping these kinds of ties is often a way to defer the difficult work of grief and the pain that it conjures. Also, as @Wyote quite rightly notes, you might be avoiding the more immediate challenges associated with your current relationship. As hard as it might be, I get the impression you know that cutting ties is the right course. As for the how, tell him that you intend to go your own way and, if possible, delete contact details, even block his accounts on social media. Avoid things you associate with him. And more generally, although it might seem a digression, cultivate good habits in your life—the temptation towards self-destructive bahaviours is likelier when your days are going poorly and lack focus or a sense of meaning that can be provided by routines, long-term projects and accomplishments.

Hi Rowantree,
Sorry just get back to you because I have been sick. That's what I have get from lost appetite and lack of sleep since two weeks i think.

I did tell him to close all contact, and he finally locked his socmed, but still silent about my request to block my number. Maybe in a few days he will, I don't know. I can't bring myself to block his number, I still trying to convince myself to do that, seeing it affect also my body badly.

You were right, all this time maybe I have never properly grief because I always think that we could have a little chance together, and so I never heal. Though to completely cut ties to all things remembering me about him is difficult because we have same social circle. I have done that for the last two years to him and all our mutual closest friends and of course my friends tried to contact me and I felt guilty so I started to talk to them again. I am not really sure if I could do that again. But as for him, I will try to, harder..wish me luck. I don't think I could handle breakdown like this over and over again. Yes, the bond, that's the thing, I have strong feeling about him, when he did something, I usually know...

Yes I have been writing about us for two months, it helps a bit for my insomnia. Also i have been jogging every afternoon. I lost about 7 pounds and I am happy with that but i don't know if that's because the jogging or lost of appetite. I plan to do something to busy my mind after i get better. I will read about this behavioral therapy and stoicism as you suggested.

As for my feeling, i don't know, maybe it's better for now to boxed all. I can't do this, crying a lot, listening to radiohead adding more depression sadness yet i seems to enjoy it, i mean maybe i need to all out on my emotion and after i feel tired i won't feel anything anymore..

Him, didn't help whatsoever. He's been passive agressive after i brought the issues. He asked if i love him or just want to be w him and thousand manipulative words. It wasn't his fault tho as i already know he said we couldn't be together, it's just i thought we have atleast little chance. Well, whatever wherever he stand now, i remind myself i should not care.

Still, all feel cloudy for me now, i don't know what's right or what i should decide. My logic not working right now. I hope i could get better tomorrow.

Thank you rowantree and wyote..wish me luck

 

[sassafras]

Just reading your post, it sounds like you're looking for a bit of certainty or assurance and because you're looking for it in a place that is out of your control, you're feeling out of control and its become an obsession.

You asking him to block you on IG and then getting upset that he did what you asked is classic test behavior. It's clear that you're looking for a certain response or clue that he still cares about you the way you want you want him to, and when he didn't pass the test you set up for him, you blew up.

What you need in this situation is some boundaries.

And I think the healthiest starting point for boundary-setting would be to cut off all ties. Don't announce it. Just do it. That way, this is your decision and its completely on your own terms and you have an immediate sense of control. You're the one who blocks him, you're the one who decides not to contact him, you're the one who decides how and when you're going to spend your time. Even when these feelings come up (and they will for a while) it's not about telling yourself that you shouldn't have them. You're going to feel this way. You're not going to stop it. This is something completely human and you have to let them be while they work through your system. And in the meanwhile, you figure out what you're going to do with those feelings. The best way is not deny having difficult emotions, but rather, re-direct them elsewhere. Do some art, pick up a hobby, get your anger and frustration out in the gym.

That's where your focus should be. When all this feelings and temptations come up, your strategy should be, ok, I'm feeling this way -- but no matter what, I'm not going to contact my ex. I'm going to find another outlet. If I need to cry, I'll cry. If I need to punch something, I'll punch a pillow. If I need to rant about my ex boyfriend, I'll write out a letter and then burn it. I'll talk to someone on the INFJ forums about it. Whatever.

This is not an easy situation to deal with, but it's still a very human thing. Every single one of us goes through epochs of heartbreak and confusion. It's just about implementing some (healthy) strategies to cope with them. And right now, you're not coping in a healthy way. You can change that.

Get some control back. When you're feeling overwhelmed and emotional, work toward something that will make you proud to accomplish. It can be a silly thing - like organizing a closet or dropping off an overdue library book -- but it will get you to see that you can control your environment and how you respond to things and slowly but surely, you'll get your head and heart back on straight.

Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Look, some people will castigate me for going down the blame route and being all black and white about things, and maybe they're right, so please take what I say with a massive grain of salt. This is just my opinion, and you've aired your problem in an open forum, so I hope you're ready to hear different viewpoints, which of course you're entitled to reject.

So, can we be very very clear about something?

Both of you have been unfaithful to your spouses. This is infidelity.

You have cultivated - deliberately - a part of your life that is secret from your husband.

Your ex, who you inexplicably love, was willing to have sex with you and cheat on his wife, but yet insists that he wants her for life. This is not a good dude. This, people, is a fucking scumbag.

Your moral core is in crisis and the only way to properly heal it is to reveal the infidelity to your husband to restore the sense of wholeness and trust in the relationship. Now let's be clear, I'm not giving you any advice to action.

He may leave you for it, and he'd probably be right to, since his wife just told him how she's capable of infidelity.

Or he may stay with you, and he might be right to, since he now knows that his wife has a conscience and a sense of responsibility to him.

Or you could just keep it a secret and carry on being a cunt.

Cut yourself off from this man or risk destroying the family life of an innocent child for your own selfish needs. That is absolutely non negotiable in moral terms. If your ex decides to have an affair with somebody else - which I expect he will - at least you will be morally blameless for fucking up that kid and breaking his wife's heart.

This is a disgusting story and you need to grow up and embrace the guilt.

But, sincerely, I wish you good luck and healing.

 

[Puzzlenuzzle]

Hey! I don't think I have welcomed you! But hey! and welcome

To start with one thing is being able to compartmentalize emotions and feelings for dealing with them later , or to put them aside during crucial moments. Then, another thing is to compartmentalising your feelings/emotions while not knowing what love is.

Further, if you're in a relationship with someone and you purely work as an ego stroke then that isn't healthy and, if I may, It can be even more harmful for you if you continue that behaviour with him after you two have broken up. It's harmful for various reasons but it mainly has to do with loosing sense of self and having trouble with boundaries.

The key to overcoming it is to examine how you felt when you two broke up. You wrote a piece on the circumstances and how the breakup affected you (like you lost hope) so, I'm going to state that it does play a significant role alongside you having a lot of free time. Also, you mentioned how your reality sucks and that you have needed to compromise a lot!
Having a lot of free time, feeling without direction and hope doesn't help especially if you feel like your life is unfulfilled and that it stopped when you two broke up.
It seems like the free time makes you ruminate and fantasise about all the "what if's".
There are no what ifs. It is literally as it is. .. remember that <3

You do know though what to do:

I mean, does it healthier for me just to put my feelings on the box and just keep focus on my reality.

My impression of this is that you know exactly what to do but you are afraid to do it. Afraid of losing that (I'm sorry) 'fantasised' hope.
Further, your relationship with your husband is bound to hit some walls if you fantasise about your ex or how your life would be if you two hadn't broken up.
Maybe, remember why you got in a relationship with your husband?

Other then that... you need to cut your ex loose. Normally I would advice to do it cold turkey but with you.. nope, I feel like it won't be healthy for you..because you have associated in a fantasising way too much of 'good things' with him that I feel like you need to recognise first between that reality and your reality. So.. do it semi-cold turkey.
Also.. you aren't necessarily going cold turkey on love! He doesn't know what love is.. and while you're thinking all these "what if's" about him you are also not giving yourself love.
So..
You need to invest in your marriage & yourself and surround yourself with positivity,
Stop talking about your ex in a wishful.. fantasising way,
You need to heal that pain that you experienced when you broke up with your ex and all those thoughts associated to it,
Recognise that you two aren't together and won't be together,
He has a family,
Allow yourself to be happy and forgive the dude.

Sorry.. if I was rash :I and about the rant

 

[Pin]

Oh my God.

You shouldn't cheat on your husband.