Speed reader, closed book

The problem is that the gift of this sort of perception doesn't come bundled up with the maturity needed to deal with the insights it provides. That has to be learned the hard way, like the ways we learn to deal with all other perceptions. It's not easy to turn off the instinct to judge, but what we are seeing in others is often not at all in their control and they may not even be aware of it in themselves. The judgement I'm talking about is not just judging the others, but the way empathic people also use the hidden feelings of others as a mirror with which they may instinctively judge themselves. It takes reflection, courage and persistence to stop doing that - and my own scars show I've still a way to go yet

 

Many folks don’t know what to make of an intuitive feeler, and their confusion can appear to be censure when it’s really that they are out of their frame of reference. None of that’s conscious when we are kids and we just get pushed to the outside edges of the main social circles that appear naturally when kids get together at school or elsewhere.

 

I have a slightly different take on this. I agree with the OP, but I think this applies to a lot of introverted types.

The INFJ's Fe is functionally projected toward the other, so it is not actually very natural for an INFJ to share information about themselves outside of a broader incentive to find a common ground with the other person. When they talk about themselves they tend to immediately generalise the insights and connect them to a wider set of the population, de-personalising them somewhat in the process. Because Ni still dominates, this process of de-personalisation is only partial. By contrast, it is almost complete in the case of ENFJs (FeNi).

The contrast is striking with INFPs. It's enough to even have a look at their blogs on this forum. The INFPs will be share information about themselves without trying to generalise the insights. It is as unnatural for them to generalise as it is for INFJs to keep the insights deeply personal. This is an expression of the difference between Fi an Fe.

So I don't think it's mostly a case of lack of trust or anticipated disappointment, though of course this can happen. The main reason, as I see it, is that it is very much in an INFJ's DNA to speak about, and even make sense of, their feelings by projecting them outside of their innermost self.

 

Haha, ok no worries! I'll get back to this in simpler terms when I have a bit more time.

But yes, when you get the chance, look into the cognitive functions.

 

It all makes sense now - Ni kids are natural aberrations to punish parents who listened to Nickelback.

 

I thought it might be because I was so weird and Not accepted as a child I just became conditioned to not talk about me. I once read INFJs can be chameleons around other people. In hindsight I'd agree that has been me. People can be fun for awhile but eventually I need some me time. Perhaps it's because I don't get to share much of my inner world with others.
[shrugs shoulders]

 

Only lately?

 

Great question. I like John and Ren's discussion so far.

Ren's touches on some important points. I think a lot of Introvert types hold back. Specifically as an INFJ I notice that in most conversations I'm so focused on the other person and figuring out intent and problem solving that I can offer little personal information about my inner values or thoughts. I think I share enough to establish that common ground and then don't consciously expand on it.

I think this is true for me. It sparked a thought about a tangent - I think I'm usually emotionally neutral. Like I start the day off at an emotional blank slate. Maybe leaning to pleasant/content. When encountering daily life stresses I need that alone time to makes sense of what I'm feeling / encountered. I have to kind of have that alone time to pull those emotions out and look at why I feel that way.

I think I'm very open to sharing my inner world. I would say it's easy for me to gauge someone that I think would understand or appreciate my inner world, but I think that comes with a service agreement to not wreck my inner world. Honest responses may be somewhat accurate but I really think I don't encounter a ton of people that want to talk about people's inner workings and continual discovery of self. I feel like I'm an acquired taste.

 

Personally, when I used to hold back it was because I had a paranoid due to past trauma and my mentally ill parents teaching me that the world was essentially evil and out to get me and nobody could be trusted.

As I gained confidence in myself and faith in humanity I became comfortable sharing who I am and what I think regardless of how others might respond to it.

I still read a room and might tailor what I say based on who I'm talking to but I'm working on not lying by omission and trying to strike a balance between listening to other people and hearing what they're saying but also allowing myself to express what I think. When you don't, people assume you agree with them and not that you're just trying to get to know them and see where they're coming from. And relationships based on false premises always become a drag.

I mean, I feel like anybody regardless of MBTI type doesn't trust disingenuous people. Like others have mentioned it's more of the case that sometimes people don't catch the cues.

I catch cues easily because of hypervigilance and C-PTSD from my childhood. I trained myself to be observant and figure out other people want me to say or do so that I don't get abused. It's a really maladaptive and unhelpful skill to use when you're around healthy people because then it's unnecessary paranoia.

 

This may be a result from not expecting that others treat you with the care and respect that you deserve and consequentially maintaining relationships that are not mutually beneficial. It looks like you are breaking free from this habit by distancing yourself from those who are either unwilling or incapable of matching your attention levels and emotional connection, and thus you will hopefully have the space in your life to find connections which meet your needs.

I think it's largely an error to assume that others don't generally understand you or that the connection level you want is rare. You have to work on two things:

Learning how to connect with others and reach them in ways that are outside of your comfort zone and what you might not necessarily initially enjoy much or feel confident in.

And secondly, putting effort to connect with a larger amount of people to find those who share your common interests and values.

I don't really think it's always the case that there are fewer people out there that we can connect with but that we don't have the skills and that our nature, being more reserved, leads us to miss out on a lot of connections because our interaction bubble is limited and we do not always feel like putting forth the effort to connect. Unfortunately that's a catch 22 because if you want connection you have to go find it and if you convince yourself it's in your nature to be alone and not to reach out well you'll just be trapped in cyclical loneliness where you excuse your situation by your nature instead of realizing you can develop skills to help you strengthen your weak areas.

 

Oof, you put it perfectly Daustus. That's exactly it. I'm emotionally neutral, too, and a blank slate at the start of each day.

Again, you captured the INFJ mode of interaction very vividly. This is exactly how I would describe it for myself.