Someone please help

I'm in love with my bestfriend. He lives across the world and we never met in real life but we've known eachother for half a year. We both have huge trust issues and it's very hard for both of us to open up... but he's perfect. He's an INTP. *warning: love rant ahead* He makes me so happy. He's so special to me. He's the only one who I wouldn't mind losing sleep for the only one who I can never get tired of talking to. He's the only one who can make me smile without trying. I can't explain with just words how much he means to me, but he's the only one I'm afraid of losing and the one I want to keep in my life. He's perfect and I love everything about him, all his flaws. I accept him. When you like someone a lot its um.. you see the small details. First you get attracted to the similarities you two have yk? Then you start accept the differences and start loving them too. Literally everything about him. And.. i guess when he accepted me at my worst I was kinda shocked. And to be honest... I didn't want to fall in love. I avoided love as much as possible after my last heartbreak almost a year ago. I tried to avoid it but I only started liking him more the more we talked. And even when we didn't i just thought about him.

And.. things have just been so bad. Almost 2 weeks ago I left for a Christian camp and repented there and i felt great and my friendship with him was perfect before I left. When I came back I thought things would be easier but... they got so much harder. The past 2 weeks me and Adil have been having a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts. I've been crying every day and it gets worse and worse. I started thinking a lot about him and crying so much and because of that I distanced myself from him and he was getting confused. I was so overwhelmed and desperate to find help because this was killing me and I didn't want to lose him.. so I started asking strangers on a help app called "talklife" and this one guy... he told Adil that I loved him... and then everyone started pressuring me to confess. Even though deep in my heart I KNEW I shouldn't. Especially not now.. not now when we are going through the hardest time in our friendship. I knew that we need at least 6 more months to get closer... but I was doubting myself, I was in pain I was crying... so I listened to others. They convinced me that I was being selfish for hiding my feelings and that everything will be okay... but I knew what would happen... Rejection. And it hasn't even been a day but when he talks to me and when I talk to him we are like different people. I hide my pain.. I pretend I'm fine.. but when he's not around... I'm dying.

Im literally crying while writing this. We have been going through a very rough time... me and him. Is that the devil trying to break me and him apart? Does he want me to lose hope in God and in Adil..? Because it sure looks like it and it really hurts. I miss him. I miss talking to him for hours, smiling none stop and just being around him. Even if we sit in silent and done text I somehow feel safety and comfort in his presence... I ruined everything.

I want to fix this.. I still have hope that something could change... but... I need to take care of myself first..

 

Well I told him and what happened was exactly what I expected.. and it hurt so bad and I started blaming myself so much. But I'm trying really hard to push my feelings aside. I cried all day yesterday and vented but then I calmed down and focused on taking care of them. I just.. I hope that I'll know what's the right thing to do.

 

Oh I'm sorry... I just don't know who to talk to or where to seek help. It's not rejection... I'm afraid of hurting him. I know that we aren't ready for a relapse and that's why I kept it inside because I didn't want to ruin our friendship.

 

Thank you

 

Oh I meant relationship I'm sorry ^^;

 

Thank you... well he told me we can't be together anyway because he's Muslim and I'm Christian. I knew what the outcome would be. I knew this would happen so I didn't see a point in telling him that I lived him... but what hurt the most was when he said I was too young to know what love is even though he is only three years older. He says that I don't love him.. and that really hurt..

In the beginning when I first started having feelings for him I tried to deny them. I would text him less and try to distract myself but that never worked. The more we talked the more I fell in love with him. And yk first you fall in love with the similarities. Then you start accepting the differences and flaws. I love everything about him.. even though we are very different - as in.. he's Muslim and I'm Christian but that didn't stop me. He always makes me feel better. I could be crying and he could make me laugh and smile even then. He accepted me at my worst and no matter how serious of a fight we get into we always go back to normal. He inspires me to be bettet.. but it's not about the things he gives me. It's just him. I love him for who he is, just for existing. And... I realized that what I want is for him to be happy. So if his happiness is without me then that's okay, and if it's with me that's okay too. I'm willing to give up whatever I'm feeling so that he could be happy.

There are two types of love.
There is one where.. you love the things the other person gives you. Wether it be happiness, a distraction or something to fill up the loneliness in your heart. And when the person leaves you don't know what to do, your whole world crashes because you only depended on that person. Your life shouldn't fully depend on someen. You first how to learn how to be happy on your own, because if you only depend on other people for happiness, you will never find it.

Love to me is.. you are able to know everything about the person, and still love them. You are able to trust him/her with everything and feel secure that they won't break it. You respect them and care for them. You help eachother grow and improve. You fight to stay together no matter how broken or different you are - you refuse to give up on each other. You are willing to lose an argument rather than lose them. You fall in love with the heart and soul rather than the looks. You are able to accept them at their worst and appreciate them.
Even if the person is not capable of taking care of you or not able to give you much you still love them. You are willing to help and not give up on them even when they are breaking apart.

And that's what I feel for him... and i don't want to give up on loving him... but I know I have to take care of myself first and figure out my life. Right now I'm just thinking about this situation.. I'm always trying to fix things even when I'm at my worst state... I don't know how I'll get through this and I'm trying really hard. I'm trying to make the right choices and ne smart about this.. because I don't want to mess this up, I don't want to lose him.

 

It's just I don't know if he feels the same way and I know it was a mistake to tell other people and reveal his identity.. I don't know what has been wrong with me lately.. I'm just a mess. You can read my reply to "Hostarious" I explain a little more what happened there I guess..

I.. i want to get closer to him so that he could know more about God. I don't want to force it on to him but I've been praying eveyday for him.. I really wish the God could reach his heart through me. I want him to be saved and it breaks my heart beacause I can do nothing but pray and fast.