You know those moments when you're in an awkward conversation with someone and you could either consciously choose to say something or let the awkward atmosphere to continue? Those moments are moments where you are hyper-conscious of the situation. Now, how about a daily chit-chat with a very familiar friend? Usually, you don't think a lot in those situations. You don't think much about what to say, you just say something. That's what I call natural socialization. You just say whatver comes up in your head or whatever you feel like talking about. My question is which is better for socialization? From experience, i find that its always better when you have a natural conversation. In fact, that's where you eventually want things to turn into. Friendships and familiarity are composed of natural conversations. The problem is when your brain gives you absolutely no automatic drive to say something. You end up creating a silent awkwardness and there is very limited interaction and socialization development happening between you and the other person. In these situations, it seems much more beneficial to force a conversation. Force conversations however are fake and uncomfortable and it doesnt really create genuine interactions.
Socialize naturally(w/o much self-direction) but limitedly or socialize actively?
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There seems to be some stigma and/or dichotomy regarding this...the emphasis on being genuine.
From my vantage point, as someone who'd done both; it really comes in different forms. As in, the shapes are somewhat different.
People who are socializing actively brought more 'etiquette' and 'politeness' to the mix; they are more careful
On the other hand, people who are socializing naturally brought more 'interest' to the mix; the difference between the latter and the former is that the latter generally accepts those awkward silence better than the former.
But the former are more likely to break those awkward silence, true.
From my vantage point, as someone who'd done both; it really comes in different forms. As in, the shapes are somewhat different.
People who are socializing actively brought more 'etiquette' and 'politeness' to the mix; they are more careful
On the other hand, people who are socializing naturally brought more 'interest' to the mix; the difference between the latter and the former is that the latter generally accepts those awkward silence better than the former.
But the former are more likely to break those awkward silence, true.
hmmmm, i think initially things are bound to be awkward, cuz the flow of the convo isnt known yet. you gotta try a few sentences and topics out to see what works and what doesnt.
afterwards convos get easier cuz u learn what the commonalities are between u and the other person. things can get awkward with an old friend when an topic important to only one person is brought up, or when a topic offensive to the other person is brought up.
so it's not the dif between fake and real for me, it's a dif between trying what may work and knowing what works.
afterwards convos get easier cuz u learn what the commonalities are between u and the other person. things can get awkward with an old friend when an topic important to only one person is brought up, or when a topic offensive to the other person is brought up.
so it's not the dif between fake and real for me, it's a dif between trying what may work and knowing what works.
I think you have just greatly upgraded my entire life. Thank you so much. I didn't realize I had that stigma. And I realize It's so true. What an enlightening thing!
i see no advantage in forcing conversation. social interaction should not have to be 'staged'. if you feel awkward with silences that says more about you than about the interaction.
sometimes saying nothing is perfectly fine.
sometimes saying nothing is perfectly fine.
I think awkwardness arises when one or all parties involved in the conversation has some kind of standard for how the conversation should flow. If you're thinking too much about the mechanics of what you should say or how you want to be perceived, it becomes less about connecting with another person and more about following a formula. If both of you have conflicting formulas, each of your brains is focusing on correcting the error using another 'rule' and because you can't always anticipate what the other person is going to say or do or express (via voice or body language) and how you're going to interpret that, the conversation becomes stifled as you're (both) trying to juggle all these input/output factors and satisfy your standards as you come up with your next move.
Awkwardness, then, is really just the result of being overly self-consciousness. How can you relate and build rapport with another person when you won't leave your head? There's a reason why they call it the art of conversation. Art is expressive and demands to be shared. How do you start sharing? You either offer up a tidbit about yourself or you ask someone else to offer something of themselves. Conversation is really just question and observation---which is why small talk often works. It lays the foundation for a connection.
Awkwardness, then, is really just the result of being overly self-consciousness. How can you relate and build rapport with another person when you won't leave your head? There's a reason why they call it the art of conversation. Art is expressive and demands to be shared. How do you start sharing? You either offer up a tidbit about yourself or you ask someone else to offer something of themselves. Conversation is really just question and observation---which is why small talk often works. It lays the foundation for a connection.
What if the point was to increase the your connection/rapport with another person?
That's interesting. I haven't thought about the meaning of "awkwardness"...
It's not that you don't want to leave your head, it's whether you leave your head consciously or you wait for the go signal of a less self-conscious impetus to speak.
[MENTION=7513]Coin[/MENTION]
"What if the point was to increase the your connection/rapport with another person?"
connection and or rapport does not always require steady ongoing verbal communication. it's a difficult thing to learn to be comfortable during lapses of conversation but it is worth the effort to try.
sometimes connection is simply being together, sharing an experience or a moment...of silence even. to be able to share a comfortable silence with another person shows there is a connection that does not need to be fueled constantly to survive.
words are just words. idle chatter is basically meaningless in the big picture.
"What if the point was to increase the your connection/rapport with another person?"
connection and or rapport does not always require steady ongoing verbal communication. it's a difficult thing to learn to be comfortable during lapses of conversation but it is worth the effort to try.
sometimes connection is simply being together, sharing an experience or a moment...of silence even. to be able to share a comfortable silence with another person shows there is a connection that does not need to be fueled constantly to survive.
words are just words. idle chatter is basically meaningless in the big picture.
Sincerity is hard to fake. Most people respond well to sincerity. It isn't about blurting out every little thing but about being in the moment. If you are stuck in your head and pondering the incidental crap, you come across insincere....like you have other things on your mind because you do.
I respectfully disagree. I've lived with individuals who I have not frequently conversed with although I am frequently in their presence and by the end of the 3rd year of us living in the same household, I barely felt connected to them. I barely even knew them and they barely even knew me. By the time we met again, we basically just ignored each other. I have also had a very long conversation with a stranger(more than 5 hours) and by the end of that conversation it became apparent to me that I am more connected and familiar with this person over the person who I've lived with for 3 years or so.
There are some people who I've felt very connected to through a shared experience where we spoke no words; others I felt close to after only a few words; and others still have years of knowing.
of course you are free to disagree - i am giving my opinion based on my own experiences.
But then you used words like "does not always" and "sometimes", can you give a percentage of importance to differentiate conversational and silent communication? I would say conversational 90% and silent 10%.
Authenticity is necessary. I've spent so much time in the past staging and formalizing my conversations with people. There was too much distance. And by authenticity, I don't mean mere "intentionality". I mean being free to be yourself.
When I'm around people who uncomfortable to me, then I waste time being distant. It's not the distance that's bad. It's the effect on the relationship that is bad. If a relationship is uncomfortable, more silence is better than trivial pleasantries and conversational distance. (Silent distance, not conversational distance). Silence doesn't have to be done awkwardly and clumsily, either, but until comfortable talk is available, then other forms of interaction are the only way to make things more authentic.
Certainly there have been the few people in my life that start out comfortable, where conversation flowed naturally. These are the exception. Most people raise the hairs on my skin. The worst types of people are the ones who are nice to be around, but the conversation is so unnatural that is causes stress and a nagging dissatisfaction. Again, the best way is just to be more real -- with silence if necessary.
When I'm around people who uncomfortable to me, then I waste time being distant. It's not the distance that's bad. It's the effect on the relationship that is bad. If a relationship is uncomfortable, more silence is better than trivial pleasantries and conversational distance. (Silent distance, not conversational distance). Silence doesn't have to be done awkwardly and clumsily, either, but until comfortable talk is available, then other forms of interaction are the only way to make things more authentic.
Certainly there have been the few people in my life that start out comfortable, where conversation flowed naturally. These are the exception. Most people raise the hairs on my skin. The worst types of people are the ones who are nice to be around, but the conversation is so unnatural that is causes stress and a nagging dissatisfaction. Again, the best way is just to be more real -- with silence if necessary.