social, emotional, economic or intellectual compatibiity

[Gaze]

So, I was thinking today that compatibility is usually thought of in terms of likes, interests, hobbies, some personality similarities or differences, but discussions of compatibility rarely consider other aspects of a couple's dynamic. I was curious about what are the various things which affect a couple's compatibility besides the usual or obvious things we tend to look at.

For example, most consider age, physical appearance, beliefs, maturity, maybe economics, etc. But what about intellectual compatibility? If two people can't sit and chat about things without one or the other feeling inferior to the other in some way because of types of smarts or knowledge they possess, then is it really a compatible relationship? If there is a large imbalance in what one partner knows compared to the other partner, wouldn't that affect the relationship later on? Or what if one partner has far better or more developed relationship skills than the other? Or what about emotional differences? I've seen many hear write about not wanting to deal with a partner who has particular types of emotional issues. So, emotional compatibility would also seem to be key to the success of a relationship.

Anyway, just throwing questions out and interested in varying views on this or any other aspect of compatibility?

 

[#@&5&49]

Someone told me a long time ago that people tend to develop romantic relationships with people who have similar levels of intelligence. I'm not sure what they were basing this on; studies, research, etc., but I have found this to be true for me. My serious romantic partners have had an intelligence level that equals my own. I can't speak for other people, but for me, I need that intellectual stimulation and challenge.

As far as emotional health; I feel the same way about that. I don't want someone that takes care of me emotionally or someone that I have to take care of emotionally. I mean we all need taking care of sometimes, but dependency is an entirely different thing. I like someone that has a similar level of emotional health as mine; basically striving for interdependence.

I realize not all people feel this way, but I like to be with people that inspire and motivate me to be better than I am, someone I can grow with, someone that challenges me. I mean, after all, if you're thinking about spending 20, 30, or 40 years with someone being stimulated and challenged intellectually, emotionally, and physically become pretty important foundational things to keep a relationship strong, growing, and healthy. At least thats how I feel.

 

[Gaze]

Yeah, I kinda wonder about couples where one partner always has to dumb themselves down for the sake of the other partner, so they don't appear to be talking down to them simply because the language they are using seems more "complex" or "sophisticated" I guess. Just to be clear, this is not about justifying someone who may only be using elevated language so that they can seem more educated, knowledgeable, or better than their partner. I am only referring to instances where someone tends to use particular language or jargon as part of their everyday vocabulary because of background, profession, education, expertise. Everyone today is expected especially in everyday social, public, or professional settings to speak simply and directly and not to use specialized jargon or language unless necessary. It can be tough to have to always surpress or simply your language to adapt to different environments when some or much of your everyday life, involves speaking in particular language, manner and tone regularly. In linguistics, it's called code switching. If it's a part of who you are, then it's tough to always have to adjust and adapt your speech to various people. Sometimes, you just want to be able to speak and know you're understood without having to interpret what you say or use a ton of explanation to get your point across especially with someone you live with.

 

[Jana]

I agree. I try to date online. If someone writes something like "Tha last book I read was something I had to in school...", I don't consider him for contact. Not that I am snobbish, but he can't understand very big part of my life. He would probably see my reading as wasting of time. So, not my cup of tea.

 

[the]

So basically we should consider every aspect about a prospect whom we are considering to spend our whole life with. I agree.

 

[JGirl]

intellectual compatibility is top of my list - if my mind is not stimulated nothing else will be.

 

[Gaze]

At the same time, I don't want to this to become elitist or encourage the view that we are too intellectual for someone or too smart for our partners. That makes me uncomfortable to even say. I don't see myself that way. The other side of this is that being with someone who has weaknesses you don't have and strengths you don't have could be a catalyst for change and growth. And if you both strive to understand each other, be the best for each other, to learn and grow, and develop, and make each other better so that you can communicate with each other better and grow from your experiences, so that you can enjoy each other more, then that's probably the ideal. I wouldn't want my partner to think less of themselves because they're not good at something I may be better in than they are, and vice versa.

 

[Sriracha]

I think there is no right answer out there, as everyone will have their own view.

Compatibility works when two people love each other enough to desire the maintenance that goes along with a relationship. My view of compatibility is that the two people carry the same core values. I think a huge key here is that people aren't with another person long enough to learn to be flexible with their needs/wants. I think quite honestly this is what makes a relationship work.

[MENTION=731]the[/MENTION] posted something that resonated or "captured" the essence of my marriage to another sensor. I'll see if I can find it.

ETA: http://www.socionics.com/rel/lkl.htm
These are relations between equal partners which can be called acquaintances rather than friends. There are no visual obstacles in the development of these relations, partners can talk easily almost about anything. Look-a-like partners do not feel any danger from the other partner. The strong sides of the partners are different in the such a way that almost any conversations between them always fall into the area of the confidence of only one of the partners. Look-a-like partners also have similar problems which makes them feel rather sympathetic towards each other instead of being critical of each other's vulnerabilities.

Understanding between partners is usually good. Collaboration between them may be very fruitful especially if partners feel a mutual attraction. When partners lose their feeling of sympathy for each other through anger or any other reason, they can apply pressure to their partner's vulnerabilities. This can sometimes be really unexpected and unpleasant for both partners.

Arguments in Look-a-like relations are not common practice. The partners usually try to help each other, or at least feel when their partner requires some form of assistance. However, in many cases the help is not effective enough because partners have similar problems. Look-a-like relations have an average degree of comfort. Partners do not have anything against each other but also nothing for which to struggle. These relations can normally bring a feeling of satisfaction from interaction with an equal and not boring partner.

Look-a-like pairs:

ENTp - ESTp
ISFp - INFp
ESFj - ESTj
INTj - INFj
ENFj - ENTj
ISTj - ISFj
ESFp - ENFp
INTp - ISTp

There are many fallacies regarding the above: That it doesn't take into account the length of time and stablility one feels with the other partner. Often times when my husband needs help with something, I am able to provide it (and visa versa) because we "think" differently. We make one hell of a team.

 

[Cornerstone]

Emotional is the most important because you've got to have that if you ever expect to understand the other.
Of course, everyone could just 'say it to my face' because 'I'm not a mind reader' but it is more complicated than that.
A lot of people don't really know what they want or who they are so the rest can only be expressed rhetorically.
If there is a emotional disconnect between what one person professes to be or aspire to and their reality an emotionally compatible partner is more likely to see that something is wrong.

It is not the partner's job to do that but many people like to.
Emotions can either be expressed fully or repressed (and the repression itself repressed) to varying degrees.
I can be very self-sabotaging and this is my problem. With a partner who cannot sense problems without having to bluntly ask, this will eventually hurt them.
Because my self-sabotage becomes relationship-sabotage (all unconscious) - the confidant element of the relationship slipped because I couldn't admit contemporary sabotage, even though I could admit past failures and present weaknesses; present failures because of those weaknesses I didn't feel I could admit because I had no rational reason for doing it - it was emotional and an emotional connection underpins all things.

 

[Gaze]

If there is a emotional disconnect between what one person professes to be or aspire to and their reality an emotionally compatible partner is more likely to see that something is wrong.

It is not the partner's job to do that but many people like to.
Emotions can either be expressed fully or repressed (and the repression itself repressed) to varying degrees.
I can be very self-sabotaging and this is my problem. With a partner who cannot sense problems without having to bluntly ask, this will eventually hurt them.

This is very true and one of the important things that could really frustrate and strain a relationship, when a partner doesn't pay enough attention to their SOs emotional expression, and can't pick up on things without their partner being verbal or explicit about what's wrong. I find this particular difficult since I'm unfortunately , very emotionally aware, sometimes too much so, and am especially sensitive to people's emotions without them having to say much for me to pick up on something being wrong. So, it bugs me when a partner ignores my emotions completely and can only be aware of their own. That's definitely not going to work in the long term. That will likely lead to frustration and resentment and a feeling that the partner is not paying enough attention to their SO, or doesn't care about them even if they do.

It's like someone telling a partner, "you know care about you" but yet they never seem to be aware or tuned in to what's happening with their SO. That will only work for so long.

 

[JGirl]

[MENTION=1669]Maven[/MENTION] i feel the same as you about this i think.
it's not about being more intelligent than the person i'm with because i don't find that's necessarily the problem. lots of men are intelligent but they aren't very intellectual. does that make sense?
i use my mind a lot. i am constantly thinking and wondering and figuring things out and it's a big part of my personality, so for me it's about the connection i have with those who are on my wavelength as opposed to someone who bores the crap out of me all night. that is just me, though. that same guy might have women flocking all over him because he fulfills whatever it is that gets their hormones hopping lol
for me the sexiest part of a person is their mind and how they choose to use it. for someone else it might be how they look or walk or dress or act or whatever...

 

[Gaze]

Yeah, you can have many interests in common with someone but if you're not socially compatible, it may not work out as well. In other words, I can enjoy going to movies or reading with someone, but if I can't sit in silence and feel comfortable with that person, it's not likely to work. And of course compatibility of views on the priority given to the relationship. If one person sees the relationship as casual, and other sees it as serious, then there's an issue of course. Both need to have some agreement on the how much they want the relationship and how much they will invest in it. Otherwise, it would be too much of a struggle for the couple.

 

[barbad0s]

Mm... I think it's good to be similar enough in general, at least in a few of these "categories".

Perfect balance won't ever be achieved in all the little details of it in any relationship out there.

I agree that all these different categories are notable and important factors when it comes to compatability though, yes. They are all important when it comes to fully understanding where another person is coming from. In any relationship where growth is expected, there needs to be a balance of things that you guys can discover you immediately can connect and find common ground over together, with the things that are novel to each other and will take time to understand and become accustomed to.