small talk? | INFJ Forum

small talk?

invisible

invisible

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i used to think small talk was very annoying. i became very irritated by people who are only able to produce very shallow conversation. i'm not sure my opinion on that has changed too much, and i would prefer to maintain a distance from people who have no depth, but i've seen another side of small talk. i think maybe it can be useful in situations when i don't really want to KNOW someone, but i would prefer for them to feel comfortable. is this fake? what do other people think of small talk?
 
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How else are you supposed to get to know someone?

Before you talk great depth, you have to break the ice, introduce, move in slowly.
 
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I think my father put it best: "When I'm traveling, I'd much rather meet people and chat about nothing in particular than get in-depth with people and their problems."

Deeper conversation is much more selective. Not only because some people just don't do it, but also because what you want to get deep into is probably different from what others want to talk deeply about. I'm okay with small talk, I guess, because it's rarely about the content.
 
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Is this fake? I think to a degree it's fake. When I meet someone new, or am talking to an acquaintance I don't know so well, they often see my "exterior" personality where I try to act in a more socially average way. This is more of a cover, but it's my way with dealing with a majority of the people. It's really just a form of courtesy. With my close friends I am either silent (but listening), very strange, or extremely silly...none which seem appropriate to show toward people you don't know. I often have little intrest in the mundane smalltalk many people engage in. It would be rude if I just ignored them, or I might come across as if I didn't care, if I didn't respond or engage in what they're saying. I've had to train myself to be conscious about my tone of voice while in these situations since I am fairly soft spoken.
 
I find smalltalk to be very inauthentic
 
but then is it really "fake", if you're doing it because you are genuinely trying to be considerate and polite, even if you don't want to ever be deeply associated?
 
~jet said:
I find smalltalk to be very inauthentic
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And very shallow and pointless. Honestly I (try to) find interest in what the person is saying by observing what they say and their body language to try to make assumptions about the person as a whole. This is really just so I don't get bored.

invisible said:
but then is it really "fake", if you're doing it because you are genuinely trying to be considerate and polite, even if you don't want to ever be deeply associated?
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I guess what I mean is that it's a social front. The courtesy is real of course, but the interest is not. We all act "differently" in front of strangers for the sake of complying to social norms and not being judged.
 
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I don't really think of it as being inauthentic. Is it inauthentic to treat someone as a stranger?

I would think it would be somewhat more inauthentic to pretend like I was perfectly comfortable getting deep with someone I met on a bus.
 
but what i mean is, sometimes i don't give a shit about the person, and i don't see any point of interest in them. sometimes perhaps i have heard certain stories a million times and certain personalities have become to a degree transparent to me. but at the same time i don't want to make the person feel bad, just because they bore me to tears. i'd rather say, how do you find the weather, are you enjoying your day or week? have you seen an interesting film or read a stimulating book? is this fake and rude, or is it considerate and polite?
 
basic said:
And very shallow and pointless. Honestly I (try to) find interest in what the person is saying by observing what they say and their body language to try to make assumptions about the person as a whole. This is really just so I don't get bored.
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I don't think we're really meant to focus on what is said, but rather how it is said. Small talk gives us a sense of the person.
 
invisible said:
but what i mean is, sometimes i don't give a shit about the person, and i don't see any point of interest in them. sometimes perhaps i have heard certain stories a million times and certain personalities have become to a degree transparent to me. but at the same time i don't want to make the person feel bad, just because they bore me to tears. i'd rather say, how do you find the weather, are you enjoying your day or week? have you seen an interesting film or read a stimulating book? is this fake and rude, or is it considerate and polite?
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I think, in that case, perhaps you should ask them about something you're interested in and, if they're not familiar with it, you can just tell them about it.

I think if you feel like the conversation is really shallow and bland, you're only being fake if you pretend otherwise. I'd say it's fake and polite, but not rude or considerate. ETA: if that makes any sense.
 
invisible said:
but what i mean is, sometimes i don't give a shit about the person, and i don't see any point of interest in them. sometimes perhaps i have heard certain stories a million times and certain personalities have become to a degree transparent to me. but at the same time i don't want to make the person feel bad, just because they bore me to tears. i'd rather say, how do you find the weather, are you enjoying your day or week? have you seen an interesting film or read a stimulating book? is this fake and rude, or is it considerate and polite?
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If you dont give a shit about the person then why do you care if you are rude?

the part I underlined is what small talk is, why would you rather do small talk if you dont like small talk? Your post is confusing me.
 
corndogman said:
If you dont give a shit about the person then why do you care if you are rude?
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I'd say being rude reflects your own character, so what you think about the person could be quite irrelevant.
 
small talk is convenient for breaking awkward silences, i'd much rather have a pointless conversation about the weather than talk about 'deep' topics with someone i barely know, especially at an inopportune time, such as while we're waiting for the traffic lights to change. small talk is generic talk - applicable everywhere, anytime, with anyone. it's like the snacks of conversation - unfulfilling ultimately, but alright in the middle of the night when you're hungry and have nothing better to eat :p
 
Classic!


[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyWsFfd9pqE&feature=related"]YouTube- George Carlin - People are Boring[/ame]
 
I find that if you have the energy and inclination to do the "small things" that make you a better person, you have the "big things" covered. You make small talk and play nice with the other children because we live in societies and it is the polite thing to do. Some people enjoy small talk. It does no harm to you to make someone else happy.
 
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Sonyab said:
I find that if you have the energy and inclination to do the "small things" that make you a better person, you have the "big things" covered. You make small talk and play nice with the other children because we live in societies and it is the polite thing to do. Some people enjoy small talk. It does no harm to you to make someone else happy.
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Yup. I don't always do small talk grudgingly, and especially at work with customers I am quiet skilled with it, and they enjoy it so win win. I get practice they get good service. Though in the mornings I tend to be immune to the cues to do the "good morning, how are you" thing for my co workers. I just go "...wait, what?" //sleepy.
 
I used to think small talk was nothing but pointless drivel people wasted their time on..

And then I started realizing (haha) that everything isn't all about me or how I want/like things. Relationships are two-way streets and if I'm going to get to know someone better, it's not always going to be (can't be) 100% on my terms.

It's the weaker side of my conversation skills that I'm working on.
 
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