Sandra, my love,
It is 10:26PM February 10th, a Thursday. The year is 2011. I am madly in love. Some nights I lay awake, quaking with emotion of the deepest sincerity. My normal method of life would be to suppress those feelings, to regain my sullen composure. And yet with you swimming in my mind I cannot swallow those feelings away. My body trembles at the awesome might of the spell you have enchanted me with. My heart is like a feeble child, quivering in his blanket, and I feel oceans of salty tears welling up, shrink wrapping my eyes until I am forced to close them and they run wildly down my cheeks. I feel my heart like the deepest drum echoing in what was once an empty chest. Only a smile is creeping up at the corners of my mouth, and I feel this warmth envelope me, like warm bread dough, being kneaded into itself, falling into oblivion at a very loving pair of hands.
I think the reason I fear, tear, and quiver is because much of this is so new for me. I have been through the ringer, and I have been around the block and have had my heart broken against the walls of some very cold characters… but for the first time I feel my feeling reciprocated. And honestly? It scares me, in a good way. I feel grateful to have so much to lose. To feel for the 1st time that I am not alone, that if I snuffed out tomorrow, someone would be truly crushed and impacted who would mourn for her lost connection. Don’t you see? We are two opposite neurons in gods mind connecting in a beautiful symmetry. And through us, god, the cosmos, the universe will experience what it has longed for, for what we have long for. To feel love, to love, to be loved. That universal force that all life flows from. I believe in the pit of my being that that is why we are here, that this is the reason for existence, to have found one and other, to experience cosmic harmony.
The statistical odds of life happening, of you or me existing at all are so infinitesimally small. That the chances, the odds of you and I, are so precious, so rare to find one and other. We have battled impossibility for all time to get to where we are now, it can’t be coincidence. Your ancestors and my ancestors, an unbroken line of beautiful strong people, battling through oceans of time, sustained by hope for the future two lines parallel through eons of possibilities intersecting here and now. Have we always waited for each other? Was there any other way? Is it destiny?
I love you, three words I have never said with such impassioned ferocity. And every time I do say it, though a part of me feels exposed and held to the light of scrutiny, I am also flooded with warmth and solace. To feel at home in your heart. To live within a moment, exponentially satisfied in your embrace, but however hungering for more, I crave your affections, and when I see you go I feel weak and broken. Like withdrawal from a drug, my body shivers with anticipation for the next time we meet, for the next embrace, the next kiss, the next time I can trace swirls into your bare skin with my fingertips. I love to watch your skin goose-bump and react to me, a deft softness, you engage my senses and I am your obedient servant. Your scent fills my lungs like soft vanilla bean, my scalp tingles and my hairs stand on end, my fingers tremble under your calm, silent might, your feminine mystique, a mystery I wish to study, a taste to be tasted, delicious like ripe fruit. And a voice as soft as cream and velvet. And those earth deep eyes, portals into a placid but bottomless pond, I swim there in stimulated fervor. The words choke in my throat, and all I can do is caress my cheek on your soft skin and experience. Words fail, experience must suffice, the rotund nature of emotional energy runs its course through me and language becomes inadequate.
I praise destiny for the gift I have been given. I remember vividly one night, after prolonged introspection, amidst a cacophony of feelings, reaching out to the cosmos with my heart, and saying “I am ready, I am mature enough, prepared enough to make the sacrifices necessary, please bring me the one who will bring balance to my heart, and be my great love.” The stars seemed to shine brighter that night on the crisp summer air, locusts praised me with their music as we passed a sweet smelling grassy field freshly cut. The moon hung luminously over a clear sky, and I wondered if my great love was also seeing the same moon, and if the moon noticed we were looking to it, asking for the same thing. And suddenly I felt awash in warmth and though the windows were down and rapidly moving air filled the car as my brother drove, I felt a stillness, and a calm, and something told me, “yes my child, you are ready, and so is she.” And I remember feeling an urge to cry, a feeling of connection to the universe, that it was hearing my plea, that it was moving destiny, that the stars aligned for me, for you, and within days you came to me, from the abyss of time and circumstances, in an ocean of possibilities, I cast my fishing net and we became one, separate lives, separate lines, from the past intertwining. I knew I had met her, my great love, that you have come to me.
I can not be simple, I cannot love simply, and I don’t believe you can either. I feel, star crossed lovers, brought together by fate, that we must love deeply and passionately, that our destiny is to outshine the rest of the night sky, that for one blink of an eye, in this galaxy, we found each other. That in this time and this place we were that fortunate and that we would never forsake or forget that destiny.
You are my treasure, and I can only hope this meager letter can attempt to expound on the depths of my desire for you. That I digest your love and fuel my passion and ambition with it, that you make me a better man, that if ever there was a better woman, behind a successful man it was you. I am so grateful that you are my riddle. And though I may stumble at times, at no time are you not on my mind, the most important figure on this world. I cherish every moment I get to have with you, and even if it is not evident, because I do not always emote, alas I am a deep pit of seething passionate smoldering love that you stoke with your pokers of touch and kisses. My world without you would be lifeless and droll, a world I care not to envision.
My darling this letter must come to a close. I do believe you are my destined great love, and for that you will exist eternally inside my heart. And bitter as life may be, even unto the future, with the decay of time, I am satisfied in knowing that I have already won the lottery. And for that I have you to thank, and hope that my life is enough of a prize to share with you, my heart beats for you, it exists in your hands, and for that I am eternally vulnerable to you, a power I don’t grant to anyone. But to you I give this willingly. I love you with all the fibers in of my soul Sandra. You are my darling eternal.
Happy Valentines day, I love you.