Returning to relationship with an INFJ | INFJ Forum

Returning to relationship with an INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by INTPguest, May 12, 2019.

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  1. INTPguest

    INTPguest Three

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    Hey there, I am just curious on your thoughts, as my INFJ female pattern (we are mid 30s) has ended our 2y relationship. For me (I am INTP-A) it came as a total surprise but in retrospect, I neglected all the subtle signs of her taking a step back.

    When we came together, we had such a deep connection on nearly everything and in my opinion we both had found a partner to live with forever (she said this often).

    However, after a while, reality got us and she suffered from the drama in my life that I had with my ex wife in connection with the two kids. My INFJ embraced the kids and tried to do everything she could to have a good relationship and she somehow coached me what to do. However, I was to slow to make the changes she so much demanded.

    We wanted to move together but it took nearly a year as I was not fast enough on the search. I also worked so much while she pretended it is okay. We also engaged in some unnecessary discussions on politics etc., me arguing logically while not realizing her emotional drama I have caused once in a while.

    Until the end we always had our sweet moments, traveling and telling the other about our mutual love.

    However, suddenly, she told me it is enough and she can't be in the relationship anymore only to have changed her mind 2days later - then again wanted to break up. We talked a lot and in our talks that went for hours she sometimes made the comment that she still loves me and she is unsure about it and has again to think about it. After the separation we had a one week holiday where we talked a lot, holding hands and where happy together.

    However, after returning, she finally decided to end this. She realized that I have understood the problem to its core but I think she can't trust me somehow and I don't know if what she says is what she thinks.

    She sometimes texted me but was not always happy with my lengthy explaining responses. I told her to not contact her in the next weeks with her asking me sometimes organizational stuff (where I think this is not the reason for her to ask).

    I could go on but I will not make it too big here. Any comments highly appreciated. Thanks.
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    If you want to fix things you'd have to completely prove that you've remedied this problem and won't be faulty to it in the future, at least to whatever extent she needs.

    Though I doubt you can get her back, nor should you try since the damage has already been done and she's made the decision that it's not a situation she wants to be in. Assuming she did come back, you'd be working "in the negative" for quite some time.
     
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    #2 Wyote, May 12, 2019
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
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  3. OP
    INTPguest

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    Thanks for the response, I wrote nearly 100 pages to her plus the talking and I know that she sees a drastic change in my understanding on anything. She said sometimes that she is "extremely moved" from my reflection and that I am at my all best in analyzing the problems we had. However, she also withdraw more and more except the occasion text on relatively unimportant issues. I heard that this is kind of a door slam. Sometimes she was so sweet in their talking. She said that she is now proud of me and that I am not like the other guys she had in her life.

    It is not that I am not attractive to other women or so as I daily experience smiles and so. But it absolutely means nothing to me as I often really crave our understanding, her support and the warmth she provided to me so often.

    Is it a mistake maybe to not contact her for 3 weeks or so? I told her to do it. Last time I asked if she is is satisfied with the situation and she responded only with "yes". So I wrote that I am also satisfied to some extent because I want her to be happy. And this is true even with the pain of missing her so much which I never in my life experienced to such a high degree.
     
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  4. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    I once spent almost an entire year not speaking to my best friend, you'll be fine
     
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  5. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access. Puts Tabasco on Pizza.

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    @INTPguest It sounds like she found some incompatibilities that were deal-breakers, and that she's pretty much closed the door. Note that I don't mean either of you necessarily did anything wrong. If you want, you can try to work to change whatever behavior or thinking does not appeal to her, but if it means changing or masking who you truly are, then you should probably just let it go.
     
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  6. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    Yup
     
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  7. sassafras

    sassafras the devil wears nada

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    It sounds like you both were open in your communications, and it's positive that you were both willing to work on the relationship. However, the impression I've gotten is that you were doing more talking than doing. Ex + kids is permanent baggage; it's not something that you can change about yourself. However, how you treat your partner in relation to the situation and how well you keep your promises to said partner is entirely in your power... and it sounds like you dropped the ball there. Repeatedly. I'm not sure how you would go about building up her trust. You'd have to ask her. But if you do intend to go back to her, you have to ask yourself if you're motivated to make the changes she requested... and commit to them.
     
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  8. OP
    INTPguest

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    You got it exactly. I never really protected her from all the drama in the past, the drama that hurt her so much. My hope was that we can end this by moving together as a family as we both planned having kids and she had an extremely good relationship especially with one of my kids. Unfortunately - and this is horrible - she was pregnant and lost the child after a month. She told it to me 3 month later saying that when she tried to call me, she heard me talking with my ex arguing about some nonsense (we sometimes talk with respect to the kids) and could not tell me at this moment. That was the moment she more and more retreated. She said something broke in her and changed in this very moment. On the other hand, I think she now realizes that I have changed very deep due to our breakup becoming a stronger version of myself but she is still dealing with her past issues.

    I don't want to sound needy or so, as I will never lower myself or pretend something to be that I am not. But I know that she is the woman I still love and want to be with for my entire life. The thing is that I sometimes feel so up and positive and strong from having understood my failures, finally healing from everything and not let this negative energy put over me (I always cared to much about people that hurt me again and again like some family members). I am so committed like never before and I would like to be her part of it as I know we would have an incredible time being around each other. However, time takes its toll, too and things and dynamics change. She is on my mind but that is an imagination and not reality. Nevertheless, I know her so deep inside and besides me knowing how I could make us happy if she decides to close the door with us having either no or just contact as friends or so - then so be it. I am happy on what I learned:

    She honestly said some days ago that if I will have a new relationship in the future the woman will have it so good...

    Nevertheless, thanks very much for the input!

    I must admit that I am still having problems to understand what is going on in the mind of an INFJ type personality and despite my improved understanding there will always be black holes in other places where misunderstandings can arise with my INTP thinking and reasoning.
     
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