Relationships across class lines (advice needed) | INFJ Forum

Relationships across class lines (advice needed)

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becksinski

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Feb 15, 2011
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Hi guys,

This is an issue I feel uncomfortable discussing, so I'm hoping that sharing it with you all might help me out. If anyone has any advice/suggestions/personal stories they can provide me with, that would be deeply appreciated. :)
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So: I'm 22 years old; I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years (he's around the same age as me). Everything between us has been going well so far... we're best friends, rarely argue, love each other dearly, yadda yadda yadda. One aspect of our relationship that has become increasingly important, however, is our separate backgrounds: I'm college-educated--he's not; I come from a middle-class family and he comes from a working-class/poor family. In the beginning of our relationship, these differences weren't so pronounced. As far as money goes, I'm usually the one who pays when we go out to eat and I splurge much more on gifts for him than he does for me (neither of us mind this arrangement, so everything has been going smoothly in this regard). Lately, however, a lot of my closest girl friends have started to date, but not with the same 'breed' of men as they did several years ago--they're more 'mature' (they want a wife and kids and have established careers) and chivalrous (for lack of a better term).

This is the uncomfortable part: I'm jealous. Maybe it's because their boyfriends spend money on them or take them to nice restaurants while my boyfriend spends his time playing video games... but, I think the more likely reason is 'social capital.' There is a huge social/cultural divide between my boyfriend and the guys my friends are dating, and it's noticeably in-your-face. Particularly in communication and reasoning skills. They're better at presenting themselves, meeting new people, etc. This is an issue with my boyfriend as he has left some poor impressions on a few of my friends. It just seems as if this new type of 'man' that I have suddenly been introduced to is more ambitious about life. I don't want to come off as making generalizations about the differences between college-educated and non-college-educated people (because I don't necessarily attribute these differences to such factors), but I think class/college education might play some role in these differences. (All of my boyfriend's friends are similar to him in this regard and also come from similar backgrounds, so I suppose this where my assumption comes from). Either way, these are all issues I didn't anticipate when first dating my boyfriend.

I just want to make it clear that I'm not considering breaking up with my boyfriend--I just want to know how I can reconcile with these feelings (that I feel terrible about). I've never brought this up to my boyfriend, but I don't want to begin harboring some resentment towards him because of this (he does NOT deserve that)! Also, I really hope I don't offend anyone with this post. :tongue:
 
Interesting dilemma. Most relationships are "easy" in the beginning. When you get past the "honeymoon stage" and reality starts settling in is when people start really seeing each other and probably determining whether or not they can make it through the long haul. Hardly anyone can fully anticipate everything that this stage of a relationship will reveal. Things start to get complicated for most couples when they get to this stage of a relationship, but when you add cultural and economic differences, well, this makes things even more complex and complicated.

I have found it takes a great deal of communication, flexibility, openness, and understanding to get past these things. Also, some previous experience helps tremendously. For example, I grew up in a mixed race family, so I have some background knowledge and experience with this type of situation. My folks also came from two very different socio-economic positions, so they modeled these differences as well.

College education and ambition are not the same thing, and having one does not mean you automatically get the other. I've known many lazy, unambitious educated people and just as many ambitious, hard working people who don't have a college education. So, if you're concerned about your boyfriends level of ambition, is it just his level of ambition or his level of education that's bothering you, or maybe it's some of both.

As far as spending money on you. There are so many ways a person can show you they love and care for you and money doesn't have to be one of them. However, this depends entirely on what is important to you. If you want someone who spends money on you then you have to seek out that type of person or talk to you boyfriend and ask him if he can do this for you, and let him know it's important to you. I guess the difference here is whether or not you want someone to spend a lot of money on you or just spend any amount of money on you because that's one of things that makes you feel good.

Probably the most important thing I can say is honesty and communication are paramount, especially at this stage of a relationship. Just imagine if you don't say anything, how will you feel about these things in another 5 or 10 years? You have to ask yourself whether or not you can live with these things, and/or are you willing to compromise, and then how much are you willing to compromise. Also, compromise works two ways. Relationships are two way streets. Both people compromise, both people are honest with themselves and then honest with each other. These are basic foundations that can lead to long term relationships if that's what the people in the relationship both want. Basically, if somethings bothering you, speak up, but do it in a way that respects both you and your significant other.

Lastly, in relationships that have cultural and socio-economic differences you have to expect a larger than "normal" amount of miscommunications and misunderstandings simply because the people involved come from vastly different backgrounds. Personally, I feel these kinds of relationships force us to grow. They can be extremely challenging at times, but equally rewarding and stimulating on both an individual and couple level.

Good luck and take care.
 
I think what is happening is your desire to move forward in your life. If you are in solid relationship, talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels about his future. Don't compare him to other men, if there is anything in this world any person wants ... it is to be accepted for who they are.
 
you'll just have to accept that you want the finer things in life and your bf isn't it. Dump him and move on.
 
My concern would be whether he is using you since he seems comfortable with you paying all the time, is he seeing this as an opportunity not to improve his financial circumstances or situation since in his mind, you more educated or financially stable than he is. @Sadie is right. Someone may not be educated but doesn't mean they don't have ambition. So, my question is whether he is lacking ambition or thinking it's ok to be complacent and not progress because he has you to take care of him. That would be my concern. Mentioning that he plays video games very often suggests to me that you think he could be doing better but instead he is wasting his time, not being productive, not pushing himself to be in a better position to work together to provide a future for both of you. Honestly, sounds like he's benefitting more than you are. If a guy really cares about you, they wouldn't feel comfortable with you paying all the time or comfortable simply benefitting. They would want to do as much or even more for you whether it's just to make you proud or to show they care and want to give you the best. If he is really comfortable with the arrangement you have, then I'd say he's taking advantage.

And if it makes you feel any better, I'm going through something pretty similar right now. I wish I knew how to resolve this myself. All the best.
 
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becksinski said:
Hi guys,

This is an issue I feel uncomfortable discussing, so I'm hoping that sharing it with you all might help me out. If anyone has any advice/suggestions/personal stories they can provide me with, that would be deeply appreciated. :)
---------------------

So: I'm 22 years old; I've been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years (he's around the same age as me). Everything between us has been going well so far... we're best friends, rarely argue, love each other dearly, yadda yadda yadda. One aspect of our relationship that has become increasingly important, however, is our separate backgrounds: I'm college-educated--he's not; I come from a middle-class family and he comes from a working-class/poor family. In the beginning of our relationship, these differences weren't so pronounced. As far as money goes, I'm usually the one who pays when we go out to eat and I splurge much more on gifts for him than he does for me (neither of us mind this arrangement, so everything has been going smoothly in this regard). Lately, however, a lot of my closest girl friends have started to date, but not with the same 'breed' of men as they did several years ago--they're more 'mature' (they want a wife and kids and have established careers) and chivalrous (for lack of a better term).

This is the uncomfortable part: I'm jealous. Maybe it's because their boyfriends spend money on them or take them to nice restaurants while my boyfriend spends his time playing video games... but, I think the more likely reason is 'social capital.' There is a huge social/cultural divide between my boyfriend and the guys my friends are dating, and it's noticeably in-your-face. Particularly in communication and reasoning skills. They're better at presenting themselves, meeting new people, etc. This is an issue with my boyfriend as he has left some poor impressions on a few of my friends. It just seems as if this new type of 'man' that I have suddenly been introduced to is more ambitious about life. I don't want to come off as making generalizations about the differences between college-educated and non-college-educated people (because I don't necessarily attribute these differences to such factors), but I think class/college education might play some role in these differences. (All of my boyfriend's friends are similar to him in this regard and also come from similar backgrounds, so I suppose this where my assumption comes from). Either way, these are all issues I didn't anticipate when first dating my boyfriend.

I just want to make it clear that I'm not considering breaking up with my boyfriend--I just want to know how I can reconcile with these feelings (that I feel terrible about). I've never brought this up to my boyfriend, but I don't want to begin harboring some resentment towards him because of this (he does NOT deserve that)! Also, I really hope I don't offend anyone with this post. :tongue:
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Your feelings are kind of shallow in this case. You should do him a favor and dump him before he falls too in love with you and then can never compete with your insecure need to compete with your girlfriends lies about their boyfriends.
 
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Sadie said:
Lastly, in relationships that have cultural and socio-economic differences you have to expect a larger than "normal" amount of miscommunications and misunderstandings simply because the people involved come from vastly different backgrounds. Personally, I feel these kinds of relationships force us to grow. They can be extremely challenging at times, but equally rewarding and stimulating on both an individual and couple level.
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I think you made some overall excellent points, particularly about how such relationships allow for growth (I've experienced this firsthand myself!). Thanks. :)


Also, I wanted to clarify that I don't think college-education and ambition are correlated AT ALL! I suspected such interpretations could be made from my thread early on and should have been more careful with my words (it's always difficult when discussing class). The group of friends my boyfriend hangs out with just happens to be less ambitious--that's all I meant.


Genuine said:
My concern would be whether he is using you since he seems comfortable with you paying all the time, is he seeing this as an opportunity not to improve his financial circumstances or situation since in his mind, you more educated or financially stable than he is. [MENTION=5224]Sadie[/MENTION] is right. Someone may not be educated but doesn't mean they don't have ambition. So, my question is whether he is lacking ambition or thinking it's ok to be complacent and not progress because he has you to take care of him. That would be my concern. Mentioning that he plays video games very often suggests to me that you think he could be doing better but instead he is wasting his time, not being productive, not pushing himself to be in a better position to work together to provide a future for both of you. Honestly, sounds like he's benefitting more than you are. If a guy really cares about you, they wouldn't feel comfortable with you paying all the time or comfortable simply benefitting. They would want to do as much or even more for you whether it's just to make you proud or to show they care and want to give you the best. If he is really comfortable with the arrangement you have, then I'd say he's taking advantage.


And if it makes you feel any better, I'm going through something pretty similar right now. I wish I knew how to resolve this myself. All the best.
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As far as money goes: there have been times when he's had legitimate trouble with paying his bills on time. In those cases, I've always been happy to help him out. On the other hand, when he is doing pretty well for himself, he still expects me to pay. Fortunately, we've had a few effective talks about this and I think he's starting to take a bit more responsibility for his finances.

Also, if you ever figure out how to resolve your situation, I'm all ears! Otherwise, good luck. :)


Billy said:
Your feelings are kind of shallow in this case. You should do him a favor and dump him before he falls too in love with you and then can never compete with your insecure need to compete with your girlfriends lies about their boyfriends.
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I'm not denying that they're shallow; I just wanted some advice on how to reconcile with such feelings...

Billy said:
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...
 
For more background, would you mind letting us know what your occupation is / source of income?
 
Don't look outside yourself for indicators of what should make you happy; go with what feels right inside

In short follow your heart not the herd

If it still niggles you a bit sometimes then level it out by doing cool stuff together (heck do that even if it doesn't niggle you! Find those moments of joy that can't be found playing computer games and try and seek more of them). After all in a finite life what is real wealth? Is it accumulated material belongings or is it accumulated experiences?
 
This happens all the time, especially where I live because you have young people marrying their high school sweet hearts. They think because they have dated and get along so well they are going to be in love forever. It does happen and I wish every time it did but it doesn’t.

The truth is, we change and our wants and needs change with us. What I wanted when I was 19 versus what I want now are night and day. What it sounds like is that maybe what endeared him to you before is something that annoys you now. Don’t expect him to change either. If you start trying to change him into one of those more mature and stable guys, it is going to blow up in your face.

Like I said we do change but nobody wants to be forced to change. They want to discover it on their own and he may eventually discover that or he may not. So decide, is the way he is now something you can tolerate or not? If no, breakup or separate or take a break. Figure out what is more important to you. That guy who does all the right things but could be a complete stiff that you don’t get along with in any way or the guy you have said you do get along with.

The money thing, I am sorry that is just pathetic. I am not much into gender stereotypes but everybody should pull their own weight, at least 50/50. I have friends from poor backgrounds who have gotten a college education or a great job etc… Using a background as an excuse is just lazy. That just sounds like a child that doesn’t want to grow up and if he is that way, you are just enabling him by making that ok.

It would be one thing if he was working his ass off trying to make his life better; it’s another if he is just sitting around waiting for something to land in his lap. I worked full-time all through college to help pay for my degree, it takes time and dedication but it’s not that hard. That’s a red flag to me and it just screams lazy.

I love video games as much as the next guy but get your ass off the coach and do something. It might just be me but I couldn’t stand not pulling my own weight.
 
Sriracha said:
I think what is happening is your desire to move forward in your life. If you are in solid relationship, talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels about his future. Don't compare him to other men, if there is anything in this world any person wants ... it is to be accepted for who they are.
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</thread>

In other words, I'd go with this advice. If you are concerned about the future, then talk about it. What does your boyfriend strive for? If you see his life going nowhere, and he doesn't either, that is an issue, perhaps an unresolvable one. At first I was expecting you to talk about money concerns, but then lack of ambition on his end seemed to be your main concern. Again, you have to talk to him about it, there is no other way to know what's going on in his head.
 
There will always be people who can provide more things and money, or if that's what you want, there's always more to have -- a more luxurious jet, more homes that will be used for 2 weeks, etc. It's hard to overstate that, there's always more to have and it can be an obsession that ultimately leads nowhere and is never satiated. So, don't look to that stuff for real and lasting happiness.

As far as reconciling, I would say to try to understand what it is that you want and why. Understanding why will lead to that reconciliation, I think.
 
I think you should content yourself with the fact that it's your decision to be with him and if that' s important to you then you should be happy that you know what you want. I don't think that confronting him about his perceived lack of ambition is a good idea because if he's sensitive about it that's the kind of thing that could open up a major wound, because he might not feel like it's something he can change about himself. And that's his thing, not yours… I"m not saying that you should just blindly accept everything about him but if he isn't holding you back from what you want in your life then I can't see a problem.

It sounds like you're doing alright together and even though society tells us that women have to 'date up' (and yes, this is true), we're not living in the 50s anymore and it's perfectly acceptable for him to make less money or not be the big earner, etc. It's a total cliche, but the grass is always greener and just because your friends' relationships look ideal from a distance it doesn't mean that they don't have flaws either… and finding love is really hard. There's no shame in being working class-- you can still work hard and enjoy life… and just because a job doesn't pay well/doesn't require you to sit at a desk, it doesn't mean that it isn't challenging or that you're somehow a lesser human being.

Still, I'm not sure if you're looking to reconcile yourself or if you're looking to convince yourself that you're happier than you actually are-- I definitely wouldn't say you should dump him but if your relationship began when you were a completely different person (and it's not so much college that's different, it's just that you've grown up), then you should definitely ask yourself what you want for yourself in the future as well as the present.
 
Billy said:
Your feelings are kind of shallow in this case. You should do him a favor and dump him before he falls too in love with you and then can never compete with your insecure need to compete with your girlfriends lies about their boyfriends.
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This. I play video games, and am very disappoint! Very, very disappoint! You are putting a mathematical equation in with natural science. How often is the weatherman wrong?
 
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Billy said:
Your feelings are kind of shallow in this case. You should do him a favor and dump him before he falls too in love with you and then can never compete with your insecure need to compete with your girlfriends lies about their boyfriends.
Click to expand...

I agree with Billy. If you don't like the material level your boyfriend sits at then separate so he can find someone who enjoys him more. I don't see the point in running him over the coals if he can't give you what you think you need. Also you need to be careful comparing your relationship to others. That can be dangerous.
 
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