Relationship with your mother

[Enso]

Hi all,

So I watched a yt video today and a yogi/spiritual teacher on the video explained how early relationships to the mother affect you throughout life and I have never heard a description so perfectly overlap with the INFJ personality. There seems to be a large proportion of INFJ's that have trauma in their lives and many at a young age. Often when you cruise the reddit INFJ site or other similar sites you see A LOT of trauma. This type does not need to be characterised by trauma but for some reason it just seems to.

I was blown away by this yt video because this spiritual teacher clearly and calmly describes very early interactions with the mother and explains if there is not enough support from the mother x will occur with x qualities and he literally said something along the lines of "introverted intuitive" - he said it slightly different but almost word for word.

So I'm wondering what everyone's relationship is with their mother like, because he absolutely nails a description of my mother as I have a very limited relationship with her.

The video is below, from start to 24 minutes he mentions most of it about the "introverted types" or something along those lines.

 

[InfernoMink]

My mom, left my uneducated stepdad for an even more uneducated boyfriend when I was 14 years old. We had to move to the projects thanks to my mother’s single income. Her new bf would move in with us a year later. Yes, he was hard working but I got the impression we weren’t his focus and find out years later that he was still providing secretly for his ex-wife back home.
Because of those things, I grew apart from my mother after I moved out the projects. I know people say, “she did the best that she could.”, well I don’t fully agree with that.

 

[Kgal]

Haven't watched the video yet but am definitely thinking along the same lines as you.
My Mom was a Narcissist. My Dad was one who enabled the Narcissist. Both traumatized me and my sister continuously while growing up.
In our family dynamic structure I was the perfect one. My sister was the rebel one and consequently became the Scapegoat for our family. She suffers from that to this day.
Me. I sought healing from it all and was able to become free-ish.
It'll be interesting to see what others say.

 

[David54]

Haven't watched the video yet but am definitely thinking along the same lines as you.
My Mom was a Narcissist. My Dad was one who enabled the Narcissist. Both traumatized me and my sister continuously while growing up.
In our family dynamic structure I was the perfect one. My sister was the rebel one and consequently became the Scapegoat for our family. She suffers from that to this day.
Me. I sought healing from it all and was able to become free-ish.
It'll be interesting to see what others say.

Jesus, are we siblings?

 

[Kgal]

Jesus, are we siblings?

See? Now that's lining up with what @Enso is pondering.

Are we siblings? hahahahaha.....soooooo many lifetimes of that. Yes. and here we are again....separate but the same. Eh?
But hey! We now know how to embody compassionate allowance....don't we?

 

[David54]

You betcha sis...
Clarity again. Another go around..but no one I'd rather go with

 

[Kgal]

You betcha sis...
Clarity again. Another go around..but no one I'd rather go with

 

[Matty]

My mother worked in foreign affairs, but her sole delight seemed to be in traditional wife and mother activities. She was always quick to provide reassurance, encouragement, and something you like to eat. My dad, brother, and I lucked out with her. Every time I visit my parents I always find a small treat and an affectionate note she snuck into my luggage, or the boot/trunk of my car.

One of the things I realised as an adolescent was that it was hard to give her something just for her. She likes to read poetry, play the piano, and do crosswords/sudoku when she's having a break, but there's only so many poetry collections, music scores, and puzzle books you can give someone. It was a little uncomfortable realising that what I could do for her, to make her really happy, was to let her do things for me. I'd normally iron my own shirts and pants, but sometimes I'd ask her to iron something for me, just to see her beaming with delight that she could still get my clothes nice for me.

Sometimes it seems like the nicest thing you can do for my mom, is to let her do something nice for you.

 

[David54]

Absolutely love this

 

[David54]

This...

 

[aeon]

I listened to the whole video, albeit at 2×. Some good basic psychological concepts akin to schema theory.

Does early-life trauma, both acute and chronic, disrupt and delay development of the self? Certainly, yes.

Is trauma a necessary element in the development of a human being whose closest MBTI match will be INFJ? I don’t think so, even if only based on those people I have known in person whose closest MBTI match is INFJ.

I do have reason to think that a given person’s tendency toward introversion or extraversion may be related to the baseline state and arousal response of their vasovagal system.

Of the seven early-life ego-traumas discussed, I had the most resonance with #2...attunement trauma. Foreclose one’s expression of needs, because if one expresses needs, one will be abandoned.

Result? Become strong, controlling, successful. Hmm...I certainly played the success card in my 20s. I was going to prove I didn’t need anyone, or anything (like the college I could not afford). What I found out is that making six figures before I was 25 was a great way to fund a drug addiction, and it was a good dog-and-pony show for others, but it did nothing to quell my pain...it perhaps served to amplify it. No matter, cliché as it sounds, a soothing balm can be made from a mix of wine, women, and song.

Strong, silent type? Hell no. Talkative type? Sure can be.

That all said, by the time I was in my late 30s I became aware I had needs, and could name them...by my early 40s I could meet some of my own needs, and by my middle 40s, I could even ask for help in meeting them.

As for my relationship with my mother, it’s good now, has been for a few years. I’m not sure how that happened exactly, but it did. This is the person I no-contacted for ten years. The same person who concussed me, and locked me in a closet on weekends with no food or water. All I can say is she is not the person she was then, nor am I. I never would have predicted this...that I would not just say she is my mother, but that I would say she is my friend. ¯ \ _ (ツ) _ / ¯

Namaste,
Ian

 

[Enso]

Haven't watched the video yet but am definitely thinking along the same lines as you.
My Mom was a Narcissist. My Dad was one who enabled the Narcissist. Both traumatized me and my sister continuously while growing up.
In our family dynamic structure I was the perfect one. My sister was the rebel one and consequently became the Scapegoat for our family. She suffers from that to this day.
Me. I sought healing from it all and was able to become free-ish.
It'll be interesting to see what others say.

Yah my mother might be similar, she certainly isn't able to be as loving as a normal mother and has OCD, drinking issues and other weird things and just seems to have a generalised fear about her. She has become better but the ambivalence I've built towards her still hasn't been overcome, when I was younger I was oblivious to her bs and now I know it has become hard to be close to her knowing some of the ways she's acted. She was raised in a large family I think she has 6 or 7 sisters (I never see them) and she was the youngest so my guess is that her mum kind of threw the responsibility of raising her off onto the other sisters but that's just a guess. She's absolutely oblivious to her own issues because she makes statements about how I should be closer with my relatives and then never talks to them herself and I'm like....Huh? Beyond that she just mentions trauma from a car accident all the time. It's kind of weird to resolve because when I'm naive to how I've grown up everything seems ok and then when I realised how I was raised was far from normal where being in the family was not warm and not very loving it's hard to be close with her and resolve that.... or even want to. It's very much a lead by example thing where when I'm in a good mood she's in a good mood so I guess I can't hold it against her but we'll prob never be close...I don't think she wants to, she just acts like she does. It's fairly safe to say she's closer to her work colleagues than she actually is her children.

 

[Kgal]

Yah my mother might be similar, she certainly isn't able to be as loving as a normal mother and has OCD, drinking issues and other weird things and just seems to have a generalised fear about her. She has become better but the ambivalence I've built towards her still hasn't been overcome, when I was younger I was oblivious to her bs and now I know it has become hard to be close to her knowing some of the ways she's acted. She was raised in a large family I think she has 6 or 7 sisters (I never see them) and she was the youngest so my guess is that her mum kind of threw the responsibility of raising her off onto the other sisters but that's just a guess. She's absolutely oblivious to her own issues because she makes statements about how I should be closer with my relatives and then never talks to them herself and I'm like....Huh? Beyond that she just mentions trauma from a car accident all the time. It's kind of weird to resolve because when I'm naive to how I've grown up everything seems ok and then when I realised how I was raised was far from normal where being in the family was not warm and not very loving it's hard to be close with her and resolve that.... or even want to. It's very much a lead by example thing where when I'm in a good mood she's in a good mood so I guess I can't hold it against her but we'll prob never be close...I don't think she wants to, she just acts like she does. It's fairly safe to say she's closer to her work colleagues than she actually is her children.

A few years ago my sister and I were discussing the effects of our Mom on our lives. My sister noticed via the internet all of these other women gushing on about their Mom's and how close and loving they were with their adult daughters....and she said to me "I had no idea one could have a loving relationship with their Mom." It's startling to discover what you thought was a loving environment turns out to be actually an abusive one.
Just two days ago my sister called to tell me her son was kicking her out of the house because his wife(another narcissist) changed her mind about my sister living with them. It was a shock as she was invited by them to live there and has only been there 3 months......because she is homeless. All during the conversation I was revealing similar event family dynamics that took place between our grandparents and our parents pointing out how the Narcissit patterns carried on through her down to her son. And now it's continuing to create divide and pain between her and her family.
My sister declared "Mom really f*cked us up didn't she?"....and I sighed.....

My Mom was thrilled when I was born. The first child and all that nonsense people in the Western societies do with their first born. But when I didn't turn out like she wanted....which was very early in my life.....suddenly I was one to be jealous of.
....and she quickly turned back to getting pregnant so she could have another little robot child to be what she needed. My poor sister was that....

My Mom was jealous of me her entire life.
A couple of years before she tried to end her life I made myself get enough courage to ask her if she was happy she birthed me. You see part of my healing process was to forgive Mom....while forgiving myself for all the alleged (I thought) mistakes I had made in my life based upon my own traumas initiated by her.
So I asked her if she was happy if she had me.
There was a lonnnnnnnnng pause of silence on the phone between us. I could feel energy gathering....coalescing....building between us as I took in a nice easy breath.
To my astonishment she actually thought about it and with surety in her voice said "Yes. I am glad I had you."
....and I knew it was True.

By the time she died a year later after her attempted suicide I was calm and clear in my appreciation for her in my heart.
Find ways to forgive your Mom. You're right. Having children may not have turned out as she hoped for.

 

[David54]

Forgiving our parents is our greatest gift to ourselves.

 

[Kgal]

Forgiving our parents is our greatest gift to ourselves.

Yes. I wholeheartedly agree with you.
I grew up hating my mother while idolizing my father. In my discovery process about narcissist family dynamics I was surprised to see how my Dad enabled all of the pain we experienced. Working through the forgiveness process about my Dad's abuse was more challenging because of the attachment and need for a stable loving adult in my life.
In looking back I can see where letting go and forgiving him set me free.

 

[David54]

Growing up it was, "you know how your mother is"..Dad enabled my mother's dysfunction. She was depressed, and the whole family revolved around it..while dad was out in his shop...
But in forgiveness I found peace from it all..and a father that didn't know my name

 

[Wyote]

I don't think being infj and having bad parents are directly correlated.
The vast majority of people are just shitty(have trauma themselves that they can't process properly) and so most people just have shitty parents.
We all have our own hangups in life, parents are just people trying to deal with their own shit too.

 

[Kgal]

I don't think being infj and having bad parents are directly correlated.
The vast majority of people are just shitty(have trauma themselves that they can't process properly) and so most people just have shitty parents.
We all have our own hangups in life, parents are just people trying to deal with their own shit too.

I tend to agree with you.
As I look back at my childhood I can see I was literally born this way of Being. I was born questioning Why and feeling and observing things all the others around me denied. From that perspective I can see how I was shaped and molded in to who I am today....which includes much trauma. Yet I was this 'personality' type "before" I was traumatized. In fact....in many ways I can see I was traumatized Because I was born as an INFJ.
Perhaps in that way we can see the correlations.

 

[Wyote]

In fact....in many ways I can see I was traumatized Because I was born as an INFJ.

I also think that whatever type a person happens to be will lend itself to being open to different types of trauma

 

[April]

Answering OP: She betrayed me in the worst way possible, so it's bad. But, I forgave her for my own sanity. I understand the reasoning behind what she did but there is truly no excuse for it. I speak with her sometimes and still love her because I only have one mother and I can't stop that love. I would have, if I could've erased the love I felt for her, before I came to terms with what she did. But now it's easier. Even so, I will never, ever feel the same as I once did nor would I ever trust her again.