Relationship Post-Analysis | INFJ Forum

Relationship Post-Analysis

C

CodyV

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Jun 18, 2014
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So there was this girl I liked, who was an INFJ, (I'm an INTJ), and we sent over 3900 messages online, some of it sexual, and I got to be extremely emotionally attached with her. We talked about personal things, I talked to her about my past and the turmoil, and we became good friends. She was feminine, and I masculine (not to brag but I took a test online and scored in the 100th percentile in "masculinity" out of the 30,000 testers it was based on). I knew her in middleschool, I moved, and then my senior year I moved back to her area. I was having problems in foster-homes. We'd flirt and be friendly in school, occasionally, but we were very quiet, so didn't talk. So nothing developed. We both liked each other though. I wanted to join the army, and needed three recommendations, and she wouldnt sign it. I asked her, "why?", several times, she was hiestant, and then she said she'd think about it. It hurt my feelings a lot. (I can be quite sensitive) So I told her "f u" and called her the b word, and told her not to talk to me. Felt betrayed and dispassioned. She said nothing back. Deleted her from facebook, then rekindled it a small bit a couple months later with her. Highschool ended, and I tried sending her a few messages on facebook, and a couple friend requests saying lets just be friends. Wont listen though, or answer. So, after a few tries, I sent a very bad message, telling her I hated her with everything I had, that I hoped she died, that she was a horrible person, a bad friend, called her the C and B word, and then she blocked. A couple days later her friend told me she called the police on me, (No charges pressed or police that have talked to me, and this was months ago).

So obviously that relationship is done. Any INFJs give me a clue as to what she was feeling? How she feels now? What I did wrong?
 
loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

If reading back on that you can't see what you did wrong, then there's a serious issue there.

If you're asking what you did wrong so that she wouldn't sign your papers for the army, maybe she doesn't agree with the military and doesn't want to help anyone contribute to it.

You remind me of a few INTJ's I've known who have gone completely off the rails. Their reactions have been absolutely over the top and insane and absolutely not warranted.

She probably felt that you turned into a psychopath who cannot control his emotions. She probably felt you were trying to tear her down, that anything you ever said about caring for her was a lie and that she's better off not having you in her life because now she knows without a doubt that she can't trust you to keep your shit together. At all.

You don't have enough respect for her to not lash out at her. You felt betrayed? Dear God, imagine how she must have felt when you wished she were DEAD.
 
Hell, if that's how you reacted just because you didn't get what you wanted, I wonder how you might have treated her beforehand and the manner in which you asked her to sign those papers. I bet you dollars to doughnuts there's more to this story than you're presenting.

People who fly into rage like you describe usually have 'danger:this person is emotionally unstable' warnings roiling off of them that other people pick up on, consciously or unconsciously. You need to get a handle on your anger issues, dude. For your sake and everyone else's
 
bad boy!
 
I know this is off topic, but out of curiosity, did you get into the army?

:m190:
 
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CodyV said:
So there was this girl I liked, who was an INFJ, (I'm an INTJ), and we sent over 3900 messages online, some of it sexual, and I got to be extremely emotionally attached with her. We talked about personal things, I talked to her about my past and the turmoil, and we became good friends. She was feminine, and I masculine (not to brag but I took a test online and scored in the 100th percentile in "masculinity" out of the 30,000 testers it was based on). I knew her in middleschool, I moved, and then my senior year I moved back to her area. I was having problems in foster-homes. We'd flirt and be friendly in school, occasionally, but we were very quiet, so didn't talk. So nothing developed. We both liked each other though. I wanted to join the army, and needed three recommendations, and she wouldnt sign it. I asked her, "why?", several times, she was hiestant, and then she said she'd think about it. It hurt my feelings a lot. (I can be quite sensitive) So I told her "f u" and called her the b word, and told her not to talk to me. Felt betrayed and dispassioned. She said nothing back. Deleted her from facebook, then rekindled it a small bit a couple months later with her. Highschool ended, and I tried sending her a few messages on facebook, and a couple friend requests saying lets just be friends. Wont listen though, or answer. So, after a few tries, I sent a very bad message, telling her I hated her with everything I had, that I hoped she died, that she was a horrible person, a bad friend, called her the C and B word, and then she blocked. A couple days later her friend told me she called the police on me, (No charges pressed or police that have talked to me, and this was months ago).

So obviously that relationship is done. Any INFJs give me a clue as to what she was feeling? How she feels now? What I did wrong?
Click to expand...

I don't even know what to say to this. I think I'm a bit shocked that you can't see where you went wrong here.

What was she feeling? Um, FEAR. How does she feel now? Um, FEARFUL that you might contact and threaten her again. If she contacted the police then you definitely must have threatened her and made her fear for her safety.

You must know that what you have done here raises major red flags regarding your mental health. And I am not trying to knock you. I really think you should talk to a professional to see what's going on.

I would also stop thinking about this girl. Do not contact her anymore. I can almost guarantee you don't have any chance whatsoever with her. She is afraid of you and what she thinks you might be capable of. Just move on. Please.
 
CrazyBeautiful said:
I don't even know what to say to this. I think I'm a bit shocked that you can't see where you went wrong here.

What was she feeling? Um, FEAR. How does she feel now? Um, FEARFUL that you might contact and threaten her again. If she contacted the police then you definitely must have threatened her and made her fear for her safety.

You must know that what you have done here raises major red flags regarding your mental health. And I am not trying to knock you. I really think you should talk to a professional to see what's going on.

I would also stop thinking about this girl. Do not contact her anymore. I can almost guarantee you don't have any chance whatsoever with her. She is afraid of you and what she thinks you might be capable of. Just move on. Please.
Click to expand...

Actually, I never did threaten her. That's a fact. You're wrong. That's a fact. Hence the police haven't done anything.

I talked to a pyschologist recently, who said I was fine, and he has a PHD and over 30 years of expierence, and that I'm of good, dencent mental health, he actually encourouged me to go in.
 
CodyV said:
I talked to a pyschologist recently, who said I was fine, and he has a PHD and over 30 years of expierence, and that I'm of good, dencent mental health, he actually encourouged me to go in.
Click to expand...

CodyV said:
No. I was declined in because of being on medecation months prior. For depression
Click to expand...

_________________________ (if you managed to notice something interesting, insert observation here)
 
Maybe she was worried about your safety? It sounds like something better left unpursued. It would be best to leave getting in touch up to her, should she ever wish to pursue anything.
 
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iHeartCats said:
_________________________ (if you managed to notice something interesting, insert observation here)
Click to expand...

The medication I used was several years prior, due to extreme abuse. The pyschologist was the one who diagnosed me actually, and told me I would do well in the army. I'd be a seargent he said. You can believe me, or disbelieve me, but as always, a facts a fact, reguardless of whether you belive me.
 
CodyV said:
No. I was declined in because of being on medecation months prior. For depression
Click to expand...

That's mental health, for the record.

And if you are on meds and still harping on a girl that you did threaten (you wished she was dead...that's a threat) then you might want to go find another doctor for a second and maybe even a third opinion. I don't care how long he has been practicing. Not all doctors get it right the first time.

Please do not think that I am trying to be a smart ass by telling you this. I just really feel that what you have told us is very concerning, and the fact that you don't see it worries me even more.

I wish you luck.
 
CrazyBeautiful said:
That's mental health, for the record.

And if you are on meds and still harping on a girl that you did threaten (you wished she was dead...that's a threat) then you might want to go find another doctor for a second and maybe even a third opinion. I don't care how long he has been practicing. Not all doctors get it right the first time.

Please do not think that I am trying to be a smart ass by telling you this. I just really feel that what you have told us is very concerning, and the fact that you don't see it worries me even more.

I wish you luck.
Click to expand...

Okay.......? Just because I was depressed at one point doesen't make me crazy. Depression goes away. The pyschologist, who has a PHD, and 30 years expierence, told me, again believe me or not that he had been doing the work for a while and I had probabily one of the most potentials. Please understand, "I hope you die" is not a threat, if you don't belive me, talk to the police who've done nothing. I called the police department and talked to them. They didn't do anything. They wont.

You want me to get a second and third opinion because you don't agree with him. Based on his qualifications and degree, he is FAR MORE QUALIFED than you to make an asessment. I agree with it.
 
I think what really killed it was you lashing out on her, and not giving her enough time, but I think your problems stems from being stuck in your own head.
 
I don't want to argue to much here. So I'm going to disengage with you guys.
 
Simple really. You were immature, rude and hateful to her. Why would anyone want to be friend with someone who felt justified in saying the things you did?

While you may not have had charges filed against you, that doesn't mean that your words toward her weren't threatening.

Why do you dismiss your own actions here and lay the blame at her feet and act all innocent with a "what did I do?" kinda position?

Either you are troll or you are emotionally stunted.
 
The facts are these:

You stated that you messaged her a few times on Facebook. When she didn't respond to the messages, you raged at her, trying to intimidate her into responding. This is threatening behaviour and a repeat of the pattern earlier when you harped on her for not signing your recommendation and exploded on her irrationally. Even though the police didn't do anything, that's probably not why she contacted them. Most likely, she wanted to put this on record in case you'd contact her again and to send you a clear message. Evidently, you must have done and said something to scare her. Wishing she was dead is a pretty good start.

Either way, we only have one side of the story here that you're asking us to get a read on, and if you can't step back and see how your behaviour might have perpetrated her response just based on what little you've told us, there is definitely a self-awareness problem here.
 
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Let me guess, anyone who said anything that this dude didn't like got a downvote, am I right? Soon he'll tell us all that he wishes we were dead.
 
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CodyV said:
So there was this girl I liked, who was an INFJ, (I'm an INTJ), and we sent over 3900 messages online, some of it sexual, and I got to be extremely emotionally attached with her. We talked about personal things, I talked to her about my past and the turmoil, and we became good friends. She was feminine, and I masculine (not to brag but I took a test online and scored in the 100th percentile in "masculinity" out of the 30,000 testers it was based on). I knew her in middleschool, I moved, and then my senior year I moved back to her area. I was having problems in foster-homes. We'd flirt and be friendly in school, occasionally, but we were very quiet, so didn't talk. So nothing developed. We both liked each other though. I wanted to join the army, and needed three recommendations, and she wouldnt sign it. I asked her, "why?", several times, she was hiestant, and then she said she'd think about it. It hurt my feelings a lot. (I can be quite sensitive) So I told her "f u" and called her the b word, and told her not to talk to me. Felt betrayed and dispassioned. She said nothing back. Deleted her from facebook, then rekindled it a small bit a couple months later with her. Highschool ended, and I tried sending her a few messages on facebook, and a couple friend requests saying lets just be friends. Wont listen though, or answer. So, after a few tries, I sent a very bad message, telling her I hated her with everything I had, that I hoped she died, that she was a horrible person, a bad friend, called her the C and B word, and then she blocked. A couple days later her friend told me she called the police on me, (No charges pressed or police that have talked to me, and this was months ago).

So obviously that relationship is done. Any INFJs give me a clue as to what she was feeling? How she feels now? What I did wrong?
Click to expand...

Hi [MENTION=11682]CodyV,[/MENTION]

I can understand your frustration, as this was something that you really wanted. You just wanted her support, right? I just have one question though.. Why was HER signature so necessary? If there were only three recommendations required, I'm sure you could have gotten help elsewhere (Such as a teacher, career advisor, etc.).

As an INFJ girl who has a boyfriend that has considered joining the army in the past, I'd say her hesitation was an expression of her attachment towards you. She most likely did it to hint to you that she didn't want you leave. If my boyfriend chose to join the army, of course I would respect his wishes, but I can't help but feel shattered thinking of the amount of time we would have to spend apart (he chose not to join the army, btw).

I think this relationship can be reconciled (not romantically), if you sincerely apologize to her. If you feel that you have nothing to apologize about, then so be it, but put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if she called you those same profanities and lashed out on you just because you simply didn't want her to see her go due to your attachment? I think this will give you a lot of insight.

Wish you the best
 
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