Relationship for 1.5 years: too soon for marriage?

[Artemisia]

My boyfriend and I have been dating and living together for half of our relationship, which is now going on 1.5 years. Due to our academic jobs, we live on different continents (I in Europe, he in the USA). We just spent 2 months living together in Germany and four months ago I lived at his place in the US with him for 1 month. Last year we spent a total of four months living together. Basically we meet up for an extended period after the end of a semester. We talk to each other every day and have a good relationship otherwise. He has met my family but I have not met his chiefly because they live in another state and we have not visited them yet (he is not close to them).

For career reasons, it looks like he will eventually have to consider jobs in Europe. I hold dual US and EU citizenship and was wondering if getting married in the next year would be a good idea both for us but also for his job prospects. What do you think? Am I jumping the gun?

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Did you resolve the issue about not being satisfied with his level of motivation to achieve your desired standard of living?

Time doesn’t really matter if your personalities and goals align. The longer you wait, the more clearly you can see if they will. There are a lot of unknowns in what you just described, and it’s difficult to give a decisive answer because of that.

What is a successful marriage to you? Are you looking for an economic alliance, children, a deep emotional connection, or what?

 

[Wyote]

Do what feels right and is sensible. Try to avoid regrets.

 

[Asa]

I wish I knew you well enough to say one way or the other.

If you're absolutely sure you'll get married "someday", getting married sooner will make it easier to be together (as long as you decide on a country to be together in).
If you are not sure, wait until you know each other better.

 

[pzl2lxie81mc]

I feel like you’re asking these questions that don’t make a lot of sense maybe out of a sense of anxiety.

 

[Happy Phantom]

I say never marry, but obviously it is up to you.

 

[noisebloom]

I generally think one should have a reasonable idea of how their SO is going to deal with extremely trying situations, especially between the two parties. How one reacts to stress and pain is a good measure of their character.

Obviously, you can't check off all the boxes and see everything, but if I did it again I'd be a little more thorough (I would hope).

 

[Pin]

I recommend that you eventually marry and stay married, it's good to have someone care for you in old-age. You don't necessarily have to marry soon.

 

[Scientia]

What are your reasons for wanting to be married? To give him better job prospects or because you want to share all of your property with him because that’s actually what marriage is: a legal agreement where half of your property belongs to your spouse. If you are still in love with him, you may not be thinking in terms of breaking up but I think you should consider what it would be like to break up and then consider giving him half of everything you own and paying a monthly allowance to him to live if you earn more than he does, even if he cheated on you. That’s what divorce is like.

Marriage can be wonderful but it sounds like your relationship is long distance and more like a Cinderella story when you get together and not a daily grind, so you might not know the reality of everything yet. Phone calls don’t count. Be cautious because you seem to be in the idealistic part of the relationship and haven’t seen his dark side yet. Every guy/gal has one. It’s important to find out if you can still love him after you have seen his. Has he seen yours? Or are you still showing him your best side to impress and keep him? If so, wait.

 

[Gaze]

Agree with @Scientia about really knowing each other well, the good and the bad. Readiness for marriage is separate from how long you've been together. Are both of you in a place where you can make that commitment to each other without feeling you are unnecessarily sacrificing or compromising your own goals or wants? Are you both on the same page in terms of future plans or interests? Do you think that you're truly good for each other? Do you have the same priorities for your relationship? Is he the type of partner that will give you want or need - financially growth and stability? Since this aspect is important to you, do you think he will work as hard as you to achieve the financial goals you want? If you think you will have to keep nudging him to pursue his goals or ambitions in order for him to achieve these things, are you ready for the stress that will cause for you if he doesn't follow through? Can you be yourselves around each other for long periods of time in a regular living situation? Do you know how to deal with each others quirks and faults? Are you comfortable accommodating each other in everyday living situations without feeling as if you have to give up too much of yourselves to make it work in a daily grind? Do you have realistic expectations of each other - meaning, do you understand that expecting each other to change to fit the others' hopes and dreams will not last if both of you are not equally committed to the same goals? Are you willing to accept that believing there is much that needs to change about him before he is the person you want him to be is probably going to put a strain on the relationship eventually? Do you both have the same couple goals and are you both working towards them?

This doesn't mean you must have everything figured out before you get married, but as other posters have mentioned, you may want to ask yourself a few questions? The most important one being "Are you both on the same page?"

 

[zk6yhn]

Too many unknowns in this scenario:

What kind of emotional ecology did he grow up in?

Why is he not close to his family (does this include extended family?) What happened? There are 2 sides to every story.

Is he self-sufficient?

How does he handle conflict when it comes up? More critically, how does he handle anger when it comes up?

Does he have any ex's? If so, what happened and how does he speak of them now? (ie., with resentment, remorse, or acceptance?)

Does he have friends? Have you met any? If so, what is your gut impression of them?

What quality of relationship does he have with himself?

Four months of physical time together is largely insufficient to accurately assess the scope, dimension, and quality of a long term marital commitment. What appeals to you regarding a long distance relationship? What's the motivation for not connecting with someone more local? You're better off stepping back and taking time to carefully reflect on all levels. Good luck to you.

 

[Asa]

Too many unknowns in this scenario:

What kind of emotional ecology did he grow up in?

Why is he not close to his family (does this include extended family?) What happened? There are 2 sides to every story.

Is he self-sufficient?

How does he handle conflict when it comes up? More critically, how does he handle anger when it comes up?

Does he have any ex's? If so, what happened and how does he speak of them now? (ie., with resentment, remorse, or acceptance?)

Does he have friends? Have you met any? If so, what is your gut impression of them?

What quality of relationship does he have with himself?

Four months of physical time together is largely insufficient to accurately assess the scope, dimension, and quality of a long term marital commitment. What appeals to you regarding a long distance relationship? What's the motivation for not connecting with someone more local? You're better off stepping back and taking time to carefully reflect on all levels. Good luck to you.

Such important questions! Great post.

 

[Artemisia]

I do appreciate the input from all of you, especially the questions to ask myself. Another question that came up while I was asking the above questions was "Is ANYONE actually ready for marriage?" I mean, it is a risk no matter how long two people have been together and how well people they think they know each other. In many cultures, love is supposed to come after marriage. Yet somehow, even in cultures where the bride and groom only meet each other on the wedding day, they somehow make it work. I have also talked to people who "knew" within two weeks that they were going to marry the other person......and it worked out for them!

My feeling is that if one is with a decent person and both people are willing to grow together, it CAN work even if they have known each other for a few months, let alone 1.5 years.

P.S. By the way, I have met his friends several times and they all seem pretty decent people with good jobs.

 

[noisebloom]

I mean, it is a risk no matter how long two people have been together and how well people they think they know each other. In many cultures, love is supposed to come after marriage. Yet somehow, even in cultures where the bride and groom only meet each other on the wedding day, they somehow make it work. I have also talked to people who "knew" within two weeks that they were going to marry the other person......and it worked out for them!

Agreed that it's a risk no matter what, but the degree of risk is different depending on the situation. When you get to know someone over time, your estimation of that risk will change, for better or worse. In addition to that, being close to another person over time will provide insight into yourself, and you may come to realize how you contribute to that risk.

Yes, there are all cultures that have high percentages of successful marriages without either party having much prior knowledge of each other. However, most of these cultures place a large amount of pressure on making marriages work or even stigmatize divorce. The people from these cultures may never be able to marry again or lose a critical support structure that can't be replaced. If you are not from one of these cultures, it is difficult to compare your situation to this.

And yes, some people are just going to "know", and it will work out for them. However, just as many people are going to "know", and it won't.

These are difficult decisions, and there are no correct answers, but definitely a lot to think about.

 

[neko]

Forever is a long time. It's probably a good idea to try out living together for a couple of years first before making that kind of commitment.. the dynamic will completely change.

 

[FiftySeven]

If convenience is a big factor in the marriage, then inconvenience will be a big factor in the divorce.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Whatever you do, you'll have to drop the materialism, that shit is disgusting.

Do not turn a man into an extrinsic value, a status symbol, or a means to an end.

If ever he has been weak or showed weakness, and that disgusts you, you will never be his true wife.

Just a thought, but I have to be honest because I find a lot of your preoccupations deeply troubling.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

'standard of living', 'good jobs'...

Yeah, I really must say, it sounds to me like you are seriously focused on extrinsic values, which is a one way trip to depression city.

You are an academic. Get on JSTOR and read the literature on the causes of depression.

I might be totally off here, but it would be so easy to predict that as your destination if you keep it up with these meaningless and vapid preoccupations.

I'm really not trying to criticise here, I'm just a concerned voice on the Internet.

Take care.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

marriage will always be too soon.
never is the best time to do it.

 

[Artemisia]

Deleted member 16771, so what do you suggest? As a woman with an academic career, I should be looking for someone who doesn´t have a good job and follows a sub-par standard of living? If you had any experience with academics, you would know that we are not materialistic in the least, and a "good job" or "standard of living" does not equal materialism.

You said: "You are an academic. Get on JSTOR and read the literature on the causes of depression."

That makes no sense whatsoever. Never did I mention that I was depressed. And, fyi, JSTOR is far from the place to actually search for literature on depression.