Real Connection

[thebodyelectric]

I was wondering if this is something other INFJs experience as well, because I'm seriously starting to doubt myself. This has nothing to do with self confidence and I know that at one point or another you attract the right person. But, I rarely meet someone who can possibly be more than a friend. And then I mean really really rare. I mean I have flings (sort of) and stuff, but I'm not a one-night stand person and I suck at smalltalk. I just seldom feel really attracted to someone. And when I do, he's either psychologically confused, too scared to attach or already in a relationship. So last year's flings sank right down to the bottom of the sea, pretty much like a platoon of dying boats.

Let me enlighten you with an example :
Last night I was working and this American guy came up to me, and we started chatting. At one point he said: "Wow, here I am in the middle of Amsterdam and I'm talking about philosophy". And I thought, ehm, what do you want me to say? But I said: "Ha, yeah, well, I'm not very good at smalltalk, so if you're looking for that I'm not the right person ". Okey, this is maybe not the best example because he found it funny actually, but I feel that I'm maybe too unapproachable for most people because I send out more of a serious kind of energy? I don't know.

I don't need any advice, I'm just wondering if you guys experience the same thing and if this might have anything to do with being INFJ?

 

[Stu]

Ask yourself, what kind of person am I attracted to, then figure out why am I attracted to them? It may be that those that you "want" to connect with are not really those who you 'can' make deep connections with.

 

[thebodyelectric]

Yeah, that's totally true. But it's not that easy to figure why exactly you're attracted to a certain person, right? Most of the time it's someone's energy or inexplicable thing.
But that's the point, it seems that there are not that many people I can make a connection with.

 

[toska]

Yes I do. Only been in one relationship that lasted more than 4 months. It's just difficult to find people who share any of my interests.

 

[Chess]

Yeah, that's totally true. But it's not that easy to figure why exactly you're attracted to a certain person, right? Most of the time it's someone's energy or inexplicable thing.
But that's the point, it seems that there are not that many people I can make a connection with.

I've found that it's really only inexplicable at first. The more I examined crushes and fantasies, the more I could pick out patterns and themes, even if they were more facts about how we interacted or meshed than easily measurable physical or personality traits. It may be that you're following several different trails and confusing it all for one trail, since most people have tastes with at least a little variety.

I don't think there's any particular energy pattern or pheromones that make someone always taken or always trying to get their shit together. If even the taken ones were psychologically confused or afraid to attach, I'd say that maybe you're just drawn to troubled people and that would be something to inspect in itself, but that doesn't seem to be the case at a glance.

How often do you meet new people?

 

[thebodyelectric]

How often do you meet new people?

I would say pretty regularly. At the sportsclub, during work, going out. I've met a lot people this year, and they are nice, but not anything I could totally go for. I wonder if I should look at myself, because I do know that I'm not attracted to someone that quickly. Moreover, most of the time it's a total yes or a total no.

 

[Vanixaria]

I used to get told by some guy acquaintances when I asked why guys didn't seem to dig me and he said, "Because, Marrita, you have an air about you that says, 'If I wanted to talk to you, I would be.' It immediately intimidates." I always laughed at that because I never remotely thought as confidently as that. I'm just stuck in my mind and analyzing everything. I have dated - mostly because I was having some sort of Freudian moment - and I did find one guy though deep connection really isn't there. I thought there would be, but, it seems that that was just a fleeting few moments and now he's my husband and there's really no magic to speak of. I honestly don't feel that I have any connections with anyone. The whole reason I reached out to this forum was from a desperate cry for someone in the world to "get" me and maybe I could finally be free to express myself and be understood.

 

[thebodyelectric]

I used to get told by some guy acquaintances when I asked why guys didn't seem to dig me and he said, "Because, Marrita, you have an air about you that says, 'If I wanted to talk to you, I would be.' It immediately intimidates." I always laughed at that because I never remotely thought as confidently as that. I'm just stuck in my mind and analyzing everything. I have dated - mostly because I was having some sort of Freudian moment - and I did find one guy though deep connection really isn't there. I thought there would be, but, it seems that that was just a fleeting few moments and now he's my husband and there's really no magic to speak of. I honestly don't feel that I have any connections with anyone. The whole reason I reached out to this forum was from a desperate cry for someone in the world to "get" me and maybe I could finally be free to express myself and be understood.

I think that first thing you mention could maybe apply to me as well . Problem is, how to change this? The only thing I can come up with is not analysing and getting out of my head, because I have the exact same tendency.

But there is something that brings you together, right? I mean, I reckon there was enough connection because he's your husband now. And deeper connection is indeed maybe difficult and very rare, but I would like at least some kind of connection. Somebody who I can share things with and who can for once support me, instead of me running around supporting everybody else. By the way, I'm not as desperate as this sounds hahaha! I'm only wondering how on earth people manage to have a new, seriously nice boyfriend shortly a month after they broke up with the previous one. Is this luck? Or is it personality?

 

[Vanixaria]

I think that first thing you mention could maybe apply to me as well . Problem is, how to change this? The only thing I can come up with is not analysing and getting out of my head, because I have the exact same tendency.

But there is something that brings you together, right? I mean, I reckon there was enough connection because he's your husband now. And deeper connection is indeed maybe difficult and very rare, but I would like at least some kind of connection. Somebody who I can share things with and who can for once support me, instead of me running around supporting everybody else. By the way, I'm not as desperate as this sounds hahaha! I'm only wondering how on earth people manage to have a new, seriously nice boyfriend shortly a month after they broke up with the previous one. Is this luck? Or is it personality?

Personally, I like my unapproachable analytical mind ; but a way I found to get around it somewhat was to write poetry about the guy I was admiring and simply put it near him for him to discover. Usually they found out it was me by someone else , but it made me feel a little romantic and if they got it - they got it, right?

My husband is an ESTP. As far as connection, I'm not so sure there ever really was a connection of understanding, but there was and is a cosmic draw - almost toxic. A draw that made him up and leave everything in another state (including the care of his disabled brother) and come to me; and, it's the same draw that even when he was head over heels about his old best friend while we were married I still couldn't walk away and needed his arms around me. Do I understand this? Hell no, LOL, but I guess if there's hope for the shy girl that everyone talked about but no one knew who would stare at the clouds during recess or huddle in the corner wrapped in a book and run away from crowds of three, then there's hope for anyone .

 

[Flavus Aquila]

People live within a circle, which is made of all the places they frequent, the work they do, the people they have some connection with, their interests and the things that are important to them. The things which are fundamentally unimportant to people is at the outmost limit of their circle and those things which are most important are in the center.

When people meet, it is because these circles intersect in some respect. If, for example, you work is only necessary, but not important to you, your work is not a good basis for forming a significant relationship, because if two people's circles only ever intersect at the outmost limit, then there will always be a fundamental distance between them.


I think you need to determine what is the most fundamentally important thing in your own life (ie. it cannot be relationships, but must be something that is important to you on your own). Then you can determine places, times, events, etc. that appeal to that most fundamental part of you. The more explicit the connection between the external situation and your fundamental interest the better. For example, if you are passionate about animals - then an animal shelter/show/clinic/etc. will be good; or if you are spiritual - then a church will be good; or if you are passionate about art, then a gallery, etc.

At these places it is more likely that you will meet people, with whom you will intersect on a more fundamental level - ie. you will be closer to them. And proximity begets familiarity; and familiarity begets affection; and affection begets love.

 

[thebodyelectric]

and if they got it - they got it, right?

That's so true!

...but I guess if there's hope for the shy girl that everyone talked about but no one knew who would stare at the clouds during recess or huddle in the corner wrapped in a book and run away from crowds of three, then there's hope for anyone .

Haha you make it sound so dramatic! While it's really just you being you and that is a wonderful thing.

I think you need to determine what is the most fundamentally important thing in your own life (ie. it cannot be relationships, but must be something that is important to you on your own). Then you can determine places, times, events, etc. that appeal to that most fundamental part of you. The more explicit the connection between the external situation and your fundamental interest the better.

At these places it is more likely that you will meet people, with whom you will intersect on a more fundamental level - ie. you will be closer to them. And proximity begets familiarity; and familiarity begets affection; and affection begets love.

This was such a nice reply, thank you. I'm going to look for an expansion of my circle , will update any progress here!