Ready to die
- Thread starter tfg345i4u5lw
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I just want to say...you aren't alone. The bit I bolded there, I could have written myself. Except I know that I won't find anyone who can do that no matter how much I wish it were true/possible. Which makes life seem all the more impossible and infuriating at times and makes me feel weak and completely at the power of my negative emotions.
To most of the people who "know" me, I seem like a strong emotionally confident and content person. I do my best to hide this part of myself from even my closest friends because the last thing I want is someone to worry about me when my issues are making me as useless as I feel I have been already.
I think the worst part about myself sometimes is my absolute loathing of asking people for help. It almost feels selfish. I would be so upset if I knew a friend needed my help but never felt they could ask me for it. I would wonder what I did wrong to give them the impression that they couldn't come to me. And yet I have this problem even still, knowing this.
I'm not ready to die. But I would be lying if the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Not so much anymore since I have a son now. But even still, I find my thoughts fleeting back to that place.
All I know is we can't stop searching for the strength to pull ourselves out of this dreadful hole. There is so much out there just waiting for us if we can just find the push we need.
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I've had scrapes with that sort of thing.
When I am upset these days I sometimes distract myself with video games reading and the like, other times I just sit their being sad because I feel incapable of doing anything else. Attempting to solve the problem seems to most good so far as coping, it give you hope. Most of the time when I am upset I try to analyze the root cause of the problem then correct that line of thinking, it makes me feel a lot better. It's like I ask myself ok I am feeling sad but why? Sometimes I write the answers in my journal, and sometimes you just got to tell yourself to shut up, because the angry cruel voices in your head can't be reasoned with.
I used to drink a lot and do a lot of stupid shit I had a very self destructive mind. I used to think that it would relax me and make me more "free." Looking back I realized I vastly overestimated the ability of alcohol to to do even that.
Take care
When I am upset these days I sometimes distract myself with video games reading and the like, other times I just sit their being sad because I feel incapable of doing anything else. Attempting to solve the problem seems to most good so far as coping, it give you hope. Most of the time when I am upset I try to analyze the root cause of the problem then correct that line of thinking, it makes me feel a lot better. It's like I ask myself ok I am feeling sad but why? Sometimes I write the answers in my journal, and sometimes you just got to tell yourself to shut up, because the angry cruel voices in your head can't be reasoned with.
I used to drink a lot and do a lot of stupid shit I had a very self destructive mind. I used to think that it would relax me and make me more "free." Looking back I realized I vastly overestimated the ability of alcohol to to do even that.
Take care
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I was a total NF when I was suicidall.... It hink? I'm notoriously awful at utilizing the mBTI... like really bad.
When I was sucidial/tried to kill myself numerous tiems this is what got me through:
I just imagined life. I imagined it the way I wanted to go, I imagined myself in this apartment I've never seen before, in an amazing Car I've always wanted, with a loving husband, and a child in the backseat. And I knew why I never knew the man, nor the car, nor the apartment, but why I was still seeing them. Because that is my life. that is what it is going to be. I decided that for one, if I can't kill myself correctly after 6 tries, a thousand more ain't gonna matter. I'm not Edison for Christ's sake. However, what I also realized is (hallmark alert) if I kill myself that is it. I am a Christian, I do believe Jesus died for my sins, as a homosexual man, I am to this day not sure if I will be in Heaven when I die. That being one of the main reasons I wanted to die, I saw no point in living of life of torment to die and go to hell -- I figured I might as well cut it short.
But as I was saying, I was lying there one night (no emo) and decided that while yes I could easily kill myself (stepping out in front of am ack truck etc.) But what was the point? Go to hell early? Why not just play it out and see what life deals to you? That vision I had was not mine yet because I've not wanted it to be mine. I thought it was, but lying in a corner cutting your skin and soaking in pills is not going to get you anywhere in life productive. Please, take note I do not say that in a condescending/judgmental way at all, I was the one in the corner cutting myself and taking sleeping pills at 5pm at night ( I told my friends/parents it was bennadryll to allergies but I was just mass consuming sleeping pills [MENTION=2873]SouloftheLaurel[/MENTION]) and sleeping til 6am the next day. every day.
I wrote that not to toot my horn, but incase you are one of those kinds of people who need inspiration, I went from being in the corner to making more money than anyone in my family has ever made in my family at my age, and moving onto bigger and brighter things in life. That vision is getting closer, and while you are saying you're not planning on hurting yourself, I do hope this is true. I used to say I would never do that, make fun of emo kids etc, only to try and allay suspicion. Don't do it.
now, as for asking how you should cope, you should cope theb est way you can. Life doesn't have to be a fight, if you don't want to go anywhere. But Life is the biggest, scariest, toughest, and longest uphill battle you will ever fight. But that is what is needed to achieve your goals, and to get the best life you can have. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I'm not sure what you wish to achieve in life (nor do I know if you're already in the process of doing this) but just ignore everything, ignore the laziness seeping in to absorb the status quo. Ignore the people around you that are crowding around, and ignore the reasons you will not exceed, and just push, push, push, push. You may not do it all at once, and you may run into seasons of life that are bountiful, but still push, because for every season that is great, there is the next season that is more destitute than ever before.
I know that was really kind of vague, but I'm not sure what situation you are in, so I was hoping it would fit in.
When I was sucidial/tried to kill myself numerous tiems this is what got me through:
I just imagined life. I imagined it the way I wanted to go, I imagined myself in this apartment I've never seen before, in an amazing Car I've always wanted, with a loving husband, and a child in the backseat. And I knew why I never knew the man, nor the car, nor the apartment, but why I was still seeing them. Because that is my life. that is what it is going to be. I decided that for one, if I can't kill myself correctly after 6 tries, a thousand more ain't gonna matter. I'm not Edison for Christ's sake. However, what I also realized is (hallmark alert) if I kill myself that is it. I am a Christian, I do believe Jesus died for my sins, as a homosexual man, I am to this day not sure if I will be in Heaven when I die. That being one of the main reasons I wanted to die, I saw no point in living of life of torment to die and go to hell -- I figured I might as well cut it short.
But as I was saying, I was lying there one night (no emo) and decided that while yes I could easily kill myself (stepping out in front of am ack truck etc.) But what was the point? Go to hell early? Why not just play it out and see what life deals to you? That vision I had was not mine yet because I've not wanted it to be mine. I thought it was, but lying in a corner cutting your skin and soaking in pills is not going to get you anywhere in life productive. Please, take note I do not say that in a condescending/judgmental way at all, I was the one in the corner cutting myself and taking sleeping pills at 5pm at night ( I told my friends/parents it was bennadryll to allergies but I was just mass consuming sleeping pills [MENTION=2873]SouloftheLaurel[/MENTION]) and sleeping til 6am the next day. every day.
I wrote that not to toot my horn, but incase you are one of those kinds of people who need inspiration, I went from being in the corner to making more money than anyone in my family has ever made in my family at my age, and moving onto bigger and brighter things in life. That vision is getting closer, and while you are saying you're not planning on hurting yourself, I do hope this is true. I used to say I would never do that, make fun of emo kids etc, only to try and allay suspicion. Don't do it.
now, as for asking how you should cope, you should cope theb est way you can. Life doesn't have to be a fight, if you don't want to go anywhere. But Life is the biggest, scariest, toughest, and longest uphill battle you will ever fight. But that is what is needed to achieve your goals, and to get the best life you can have. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I'm not sure what you wish to achieve in life (nor do I know if you're already in the process of doing this) but just ignore everything, ignore the laziness seeping in to absorb the status quo. Ignore the people around you that are crowding around, and ignore the reasons you will not exceed, and just push, push, push, push. You may not do it all at once, and you may run into seasons of life that are bountiful, but still push, because for every season that is great, there is the next season that is more destitute than ever before.
I know that was really kind of vague, but I'm not sure what situation you are in, so I was hoping it would fit in.
I've been in those lows, and once sunk about as far as you can go and still make it back (at least it's as far as I can go and make it back alive...OBE and everything) I didn't find peace and I didn't find happiness. It was cold and empty, and I'm pretty sure that it's because I was not ready at the time. I think that when one is ready, the end is a pleasant experience, but when there's fear it's a bleak and miserable experience.
That being said, the suicidal mental state is also completely different for each person involved. One of my best friends' dad committed suicide two months ago, and the journey has been one of the most intense that I've witnessed and lived in. It further solidifies my belief that the human experience is a community one, and not a solitary one. Our highs and our lows are a shared burden beyond what we comprehend at the time, and that's one of the things that keeps me going now; a firm belief that I am not alone in experiencing what ever it is I am experiencing. I've also found positive ways to channel my anger with what I see as wrong with the world into ambition and initiative to take action to make waves, and to make change.
That being said, the suicidal mental state is also completely different for each person involved. One of my best friends' dad committed suicide two months ago, and the journey has been one of the most intense that I've witnessed and lived in. It further solidifies my belief that the human experience is a community one, and not a solitary one. Our highs and our lows are a shared burden beyond what we comprehend at the time, and that's one of the things that keeps me going now; a firm belief that I am not alone in experiencing what ever it is I am experiencing. I've also found positive ways to channel my anger with what I see as wrong with the world into ambition and initiative to take action to make waves, and to make change.
i have been highly suicidal in the past and stayed in a psychiatric hospital a few times. i think that this experience of deep depression and high drive towards suicide is something that you can probably never understand if you have never experienced what it is like to go that low, and very few people in my life have been able to grasp how sick i was during those years. through my experience of recovering from that, i decided that suicide was wrong balanced against the possibility that i could find opportunities to act as a constructive and positive force in the world. part of my process of recovery has been accepting that i might never be happy but that living is still the right thing to do and that i can achieve satisfaction and fulfilment through doing it and being a good person. but over time life has nevertheless become a lot more bearable and i am able to enjoy life a lot more than in the past and to experience real happiness at times. this has been a lot of work and has involved finding attainable goals that were meaningful to me in life and working towards achieving them, such as a degree and a good career that i feel will contribute to society, or make it easier for people to survive the things that i went through, and stuff like that. i have practically had to rewire my brain. but i think the work has been worth it and it is possible to be happy in life and have a good life.
"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide." - Albert Camus
The world is absurd, yet we keep on living. I accepted that through a combination of existential literature, psychedelics, not giving a fuck, and watching totally fucked up animations over and over again until they no longer disturbed me.
The world is absurd, yet we keep on living. I accepted that through a combination of existential literature, psychedelics, not giving a fuck, and watching totally fucked up animations over and over again until they no longer disturbed me.
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I feel like this all the time. I think I even annoy people cos I'm so loud and outgoing and happy, but it's like, when I get home all I want to do is listen to Dreams by the Cranberries and cry. Live in my own depressed world. Watch Control by Anton Corbjin and smoke a cigarette. Drown myself in the depression because it feels so good. Infj's are actually meant to be attracted to sad things, and I've found I am very much like this and sometimes it's actually quite dangerous. Force yourself to break out of it.
To cope, I enjoy choosing happy songs and putting myself into a good mood, like listen to "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall and Oats. Try it. Works for me every time.
Also surround yourself with good people. This guy at work is one guy I love to get energy from, because he knows how to smile at life. He always makes me feel like life is ok. And you know what? Life really is ok. You just need to stop indulging in the sadness. Which we have the tendency to do.
God bless :]
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True, true, true! I feel like this everyday. I love to observe things and think about how absurd they are in my mind! It only comes in flashes but it's such a sure thing. The world is soooo absurd.
I have been ready to die since i was eight, but i won't take my own life. someone else 'll have to do it. I have a plan where if my life completly fucks up i am going to try and join the most dangerous part of the military
I don't know if I'm ready to die but I want to die 
I think I would be happier. If I don't find my purpose and meaning in life then I would rather be dead. I almost always pray that I die and just exchange my life for people who still want to live and be with the people they love.
I HATE my life I HATE myself. I just want to die.
I'm not ready.. I'm excited
I think I would be happier. If I don't find my purpose and meaning in life then I would rather be dead. I almost always pray that I die and just exchange my life for people who still want to live and be with the people they love.I HATE my life I HATE myself. I just want to die.
I'm not ready.. I'm excited
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I don't know if I'm ready to die but I want to die
I HATE my life I HATE myself. I just want to die.
I'm not ready.. I'm excited
i used to feel very much this way. i eventually decided to live and make the most of it though.
No, I don't feel ready. I have slight hoarding tendencies, and the thought of my neat freak husband having to clean out our storage unit or my closet makes me upset. There are many other loose ends in my life that I would need to take care of before I could feel ready.
I think its strange that those are the things I feel need to be done before I do, rather than fulfilling hopes and dreams I have for the future.
I think its strange that those are the things I feel need to be done before I do, rather than fulfilling hopes and dreams I have for the future.
I sincerely hope the day of my death is years or decades from now, because I am nowhere near ready to die. There is so much I still want to see, so much I've yet to accomplish.
I'm very sorry your life feels like a never ending battle right now @ImNotFullyJressed. What do I do to cope with life? Focus on the future, on the positives. I try to maintain a sense of balance, and recall the transitory nature of life and especially of adversity. Maybe you should do this too. Hopefully you'll see better days ahead soon.
I think some people feel trapped in an unpleasent reality that they see no escape from....any exit is probably welcome. But there are other types of exit....try conversion. The barrrier is that we often demand a world that totally agrees with us, that we control...and our egos build massive walls. We are totally free to do this if we like. But why not try something else? Find a religious system that might work for you, and some companions to journey with if you can, and simply let go....."die" if you will (it can feel like that sometimes). There are other realities out there. No one is truly destined to be trapped, buried, and subsumed under the weight of existence. Disconnects and limitations are always with us, yes....but why let them stop us?
yeah
But that's easy if you have the freedom to do it. If you're stuck with the same miserable people everyday of your life, then I guess you would feel trapped. Besides, there aren't much good people left on earth. well there are but you wouldn't meet all of them. Maybe you would meet some but you wouldn't be close with all of those some.
Hmm...
I can tell you this: From an older person's perspective (like I'm that old--!), it *does* get better. You don't think it gets better when you're younger, and you don't think it gets better at certain times of your life. But it does. Life never stays the same - it's fluid, with ups and downs that are unimaginable. The highs can be glorious, and the lows can be devastating. That is life.
But know this as well - there is always someone out there who will care about you, and miss you if you leave this planet. Always. It could be a brother, a sister, a parent, a friend, or even someone on this forum. You are loved. I personally found my completion in my faith in Christ, but you have to have faith that this isn't it; that today isn't all there is. It's not. Tomorrow might be better - or it could be worse. But you'll never know until you get there.
Have I felt depressed enough to want to die? Sure. There have been times when I waited in my room in the dark to die. Times when I thought I was literally crazy. But then I would remember the little things - like, I had a puppy to take care of, and who would take care of her if I left? What would happen to my living space if I died (and could I stand someone seeing how messy I was)? How would my friends take it?
Force yourself to think of those things while you still have the chance...because once you get too far, you may need physical help or counseling to help get you out. And even if you *do* need those things, recognize that that's okay too.
You are important. You are loved.
I can tell you this: From an older person's perspective (like I'm that old--!), it *does* get better. You don't think it gets better when you're younger, and you don't think it gets better at certain times of your life. But it does. Life never stays the same - it's fluid, with ups and downs that are unimaginable. The highs can be glorious, and the lows can be devastating. That is life.
But know this as well - there is always someone out there who will care about you, and miss you if you leave this planet. Always. It could be a brother, a sister, a parent, a friend, or even someone on this forum. You are loved. I personally found my completion in my faith in Christ, but you have to have faith that this isn't it; that today isn't all there is. It's not. Tomorrow might be better - or it could be worse. But you'll never know until you get there.
Have I felt depressed enough to want to die? Sure. There have been times when I waited in my room in the dark to die. Times when I thought I was literally crazy. But then I would remember the little things - like, I had a puppy to take care of, and who would take care of her if I left? What would happen to my living space if I died (and could I stand someone seeing how messy I was)? How would my friends take it?
Force yourself to think of those things while you still have the chance...because once you get too far, you may need physical help or counseling to help get you out. And even if you *do* need those things, recognize that that's okay too.
You are important. You are loved.
People think I'm weird because I look forward to dying. This has a lot to do with the fact that I believe this world is more like a waking dream than the heaven I will call my home but also due to the anguish of living as an INFJ... I have such intense and dark thoughts sometimes... Even when I'm keeping my depression at bay I can't help but want to be free of this world and it's trappings. And I have kids! I will stay here as long as I can to be here for them but my heart soars at the thought of the Lord taking me home. Not just to escape but because of the true happiness and bliss I imagine waiting for me on the other side.
My advice to you would be to find a good counselor, go on meds if you can and do the hard soul work it takes to get mentally well. (((hugs))) brother. You are not alone.
My advice to you would be to find a good counselor, go on meds if you can and do the hard soul work it takes to get mentally well. (((hugs))) brother. You are not alone.
Lucidmoon
I am completely ok with your thoughts. I relate.
I on the one hand think of how fantastic life is. Fantastic in how amazing it is we are here. And how amazing it is to experience anything at all.
I can't help but feel inferior. Inferior in my ability to understand this existence. Inferior in understanding our reason for being here, if there even is one.
I could go on but suffice it to say what I've said. I have no strong attachment to this life. I don't want to suffer and life has taught me thats all life is. Loss. We lose everything. Our sight, hearing, youth, the ones we love, the things that mean things.
It's hard to understand why we would want to stay. I'm not religious. I am more convinced there might be more to this than meets the eye. I love my wife.
I enjoy family. But we all die. So it's not like we won't go through that at some point. Why not now. Why put it off.
I'm not killing myself, but I'm not holding on. And I understand when I hear, read someone say things that sound like what I'm saying. No guilt. Just look forward to turning the switch. I don't imagine I'll be on the other side looking and saying aw gee. Look what you did.
I hope it's just like a quiet passing into nothing. No more pain. No more suffering. No more intense days thinking and contemplating. No more chores. No more. Not sure why this causes others to be concerned. If they are. But I think I understand you. And I totally support your opinion.
I am completely ok with your thoughts. I relate.
I on the one hand think of how fantastic life is. Fantastic in how amazing it is we are here. And how amazing it is to experience anything at all.
I can't help but feel inferior. Inferior in my ability to understand this existence. Inferior in understanding our reason for being here, if there even is one.
I could go on but suffice it to say what I've said. I have no strong attachment to this life. I don't want to suffer and life has taught me thats all life is. Loss. We lose everything. Our sight, hearing, youth, the ones we love, the things that mean things.
It's hard to understand why we would want to stay. I'm not religious. I am more convinced there might be more to this than meets the eye. I love my wife.
I enjoy family. But we all die. So it's not like we won't go through that at some point. Why not now. Why put it off.
I'm not killing myself, but I'm not holding on. And I understand when I hear, read someone say things that sound like what I'm saying. No guilt. Just look forward to turning the switch. I don't imagine I'll be on the other side looking and saying aw gee. Look what you did.
I hope it's just like a quiet passing into nothing. No more pain. No more suffering. No more intense days thinking and contemplating. No more chores. No more. Not sure why this causes others to be concerned. If they are. But I think I understand you. And I totally support your opinion.