Raising sons vs. daughters

[Gaze]

I've often heard many say that it's harder to raise a daughter compared to raising a son. I don't have kids but I'm wondering how true this is and how much of this belief about raising kids is based on stereotypes?

Interest in hearing from non-parents, but particularly parents who have both sons and daughters.

 

[JGirl]

i raised both a son and a daughter and each was challenging in it's own way. i wouldn't say that one was more difficult than the other. just different.
my biggest problem with my son was that i was never a pubescent boy and had no idea what to expect.
my biggest problem with my daughter was that i had been a pubescent girl and knew all too well what was coming.

 

[This]

My parents have told me I was much easier to raise than my sister, I think that has a lot to do with both of our personality types though, INFJ vs ESFP.

 

[Gaze]

My parents have told me I was much easier to raise than my sister, I think that has a lot to do with both of our personality types though, INFJ vs ESFP.

How did personality type factor in?

 

[This]

How did personality type factor in?

I enjoyed being alone and playing video games, she enjoyed going out and partying.

I never really got into too much trouble as a kid, even though I did deliberately disobey a lot of rules that I found to be stupid, such as I would eat lunch in my car and listen to Vivaldi or Verdi everyday in high school even though it was a closed campus that we weren't ever supposed to leave. The thing was though that basically people didn't want to go to the trouble of punishing me for those sorts of things since I did it in a quiet way that didn't cause a stir.

My sister on the other hand is a very combative person, always in peoples faces speaking her mind about them and running around with a gaggle of friends, she was very into the whole partying and drinking thing, she was also quite careless (still is I think) and would break a lot of things. She beat the shit out of a truck that my parents bought her for her 16th birthday, broke an expensive hot tub cover, racked up cell phone bills, was constantly in feuds with other girls, just broke everything basically.

 

[88chaz88]

I enjoyed being alone and playing video games, she enjoyed going out and partying.

I never really got into too much trouble as a kid, even though I did deliberately disobey a lot of rules that I found to be stupid, such as I would eat lunch in my car and listen to Vivaldi or Verdi everyday in high school even though it was a closed campus that we weren't ever supposed to leave. The thing was though that basically people didn't want to go to the trouble of punishing me for those sorts of things since I did it in a quiet way that didn't cause a stir.

My sister on the other hand is a very combative person, always in peoples faces speaking her mind about them and running around with a gaggle of friends, she was very into the whole partying and drinking thing, she was also quite careless (still is I think) and would break a lot of things. She beat the shit out of a truck that my parents bought her for her 16th birthday, broke an expensive hot tub cover, racked up cell phone bills, was constantly in feuds with other girls, just broke everything basically.

Pretty much the same thing with me and my sister, yet we're both extroverts.

 

[the]

Sons are easier to raise because they dont get pregnant.

 

[88chaz88]

Sons are easier to raise because they dont get pregnant.

Or periods.

 

[Sriracha]

My brother was easier to raise than myself and my sister. My sister was a party girl and I was just plain moody. If my mother described me to anyone it was that I was "moody." I don't take that as a compliment. She and my brother were very close. My brother was the "golden child": smart, perfect friends, abides by rules (but if he broke them it wasn't a big deal.) I realize my parents were more restrictive of me, but that is probably b/c my behavior warranted such repercussions. I was probably most likely to spiral out of control.

Individualistically we are a product of our environment, being shaped by external influences ... as early as infancy. Where is the child placed within the social hierarchy of his/her peer and family group? Is the father involved in the parenting? Are the parents consistent in discipline and follow same rules? Is the child an only child or have siblings (and birth order)? Why can a child be more behaved at school and a tyrant at home? All of these things and more influence behavior.

With all my friends around me who have both girls and boys ... the consensus is that yes boys are easier to raise. The girls I have seen (very young) are very bull-headed and stubborn. Think of it this way (and this is a generalization, but true for the majority): When females are involved in a conflict they brood, plot ... they're like the nasty cat with a grudge. When boys see a conflict they duke it out and walk away.

My sons so far have been easy to raise. I really do believe that is because their father is heavily involved in parenting and discipline. They each come with their own set of problems, but they have learned from their mistakes (one quicker than the other.) My oldest is an ISxJ: rule abiding, learns quickly, clean, very responsible, articulates well, socially awkward but gets along with peers (just part of the growing up process), has been bullied in school, he's a follower b/c he wants to be accepted however a leader b/c he stands by his own rules, independent, goal oriented, impatient, perfectionist (which lends to frustration.) My youngest is an ENFP: makes friends easily, funny, clown, happy, affectionate, smart, a follower, MESSY, goes with the flow. I have stated more than once that I have better chemistry with my younger than my oldest, and my oldest has better chemistry with his father.

Obviously this type of conversation is my cup of tea. I love sociology.
http://www.cds.unc.edu/sdirp/social dynamics.pdf

 

[MikeINvalid]

I have a son and a daughter, but they are both relatively young (elementary school).

So far, Raising them have just brought up different challenges.

My son is the more outgoing one and easily takes on the leadership role with his peers. However, he doesn't seem to have a problem letting his other friends take the lead when they want to. He has a healthy relationship with other kids, and they tend to flock towards him.

My daughter, so far, is more like the way I was growing up. She is usually pretty introverted around her peers, though in a very small group she can be very expressive and talkative. She tends to be a follower instead of a leader, but can be very helpful and will sometimes take the lead role when someone needs help.

At home they can both be a bit stubborn; they are both very sharp and sometimes use this quality to their parents' disadvantage (lol). My son seems to love rules and an orderly way about doing things, but he then tries to manipulate those rules to his advantage. My daughter is less concerned about rules, and tends to have more of a mind-set that is "outcome based", versus her brother's "process based" version. My daughter has a bad habit of "clamming up" when she is frustrated or has done something we've told her is not acceptable to us. That is, not necessarily withdrawn, because her emotions still come through loud and clear, but not able to communicate as well when things don't go her way.

As far as differences due to gender: they seem to be pretty balanced. My daughter can easily be a tomboy or a princess. My son for the most part shows stereotypical boy traits, but he can also be very gentle when a situation that calls for it arises.

So far, I just really don't see the difficulties of raising them having anything to do with gender. Then again they are still young, and puberty (*shudder*) hasn't happened yet. I'm predicting this is when that might change.

 

[Stu]

Nothing pisses bad parents off more that the sentiment that rambunctious young boys can be as well behaved as a self controlled young girls.

 

[endersgone]

My parents have told me I was much easier to raise than my sister, I think that has a lot to do with both of our personality types though, INFJ vs ___

Same, but I'm a bit unsure of my sisters type, if I had to guess ESFP as well.

 

[Gaze]

I'm wondering whether the outspoken or more wilder behavior that some have mentioned about girls maybe the outcome of unequal treatment. Aren't girls treated more conservatively, expected to be better behaved and often receive the double standard treatment? For example, having a son would've definitely made my father happier. Being a female, for my family meant treating you as if you're this fragile, dependent, weak thing who needs to be cared or protected. He used it to justify his worry which crossed over into paranoia and overprotectiveness. And this kind of parenting (the authoritarian) style can often lead to teens "acting" out as it were. So, I think parents may indirectly or directly allow their fears or worries about how their children will be to guide their response or treatment of their girls and boys, which later on creates those frustrations which sometimes arise from those teens who rebel. Too often, parents will let boys do whatever they choose, while restricting almost everything the girl does in the name of "protecting" her from the world or herself. It's often assumed that boys can better take care of themselves and are more independent. And traditionally, many keep forgetting that in past decades, girls were not socialized to think of themselves as moving towards independence as they get older. They were being prepared to be in a relationship, family, responsible to someone else. So all this in some ways contributes to the sense of surprise or dismay some parents feel when their young girls or teens begin to assert themselves and their independence, because sometimes there's still this underlying expectation that girls are softer, sweeter, fragile and need more protection.

 

[Sriracha]

From the link I shared above

Parents and teachers typically rate girls as more socially competent than boys (Eisenberg, et al.,2003 ; Gallagher, under review). This difference
in adult report may be related to girls’ tendency to play more proximal to adults and to integrate more adult rules into their play interactions (Leaper, 1994).

The reason I bring up child behavior in a classroom setting is because how they behave as an individual without parental guidance can or cannot be related to how they behave at home. I'm often fearful of sitting in on a parent/teacher conference b/c if my child is having a behavioral problem I see it as a reflection of their life at home (or constructive criticism of my parenting.) So far, so good. Teachers see a side of children that the parents do not see. That's why it is so important to listen to them.

 

[Faye]

I think it really just depends on their individual personalities. It might also depend on the gender of the parent.

 

[Gaze]

It might also depend on the gender of the parent.

Could you explain?

 

[This]

I think it really just depends on their individual personalities. It might also depend on the gender of the parent.

I would agree that it is a very individualistic thing, you can raise 5 sons or daughters all the same way and have every one of them come out different.

 

[Sriracha]

I'm wondering whether the outspoken or more wilder behavior that some have mentioned about girls maybe the outcome of unequal treatment. Aren't girls treated more conservatively, expected to be better behaved and often receive the double standard treatment? For example, having a son would've definitely made my father happier. Being a female, for my family meant treating you as if you're this fragile, dependent, weak thing who needs to be cared or protected. He used it to justify his worry which crossed over into paranoia and overprotectiveness. And this kind of parenting (the authoritarian) style can often lead to teens "acting" out as it were. So, I think parents may indirectly or directly allow their fears or worries about how their children will be to guide their response or treatment of their girls and boys, which later on creates those frustrations which sometimes arise from those teens who rebel. Too often, parents will let boys do whatever they choose, while restricting almost everything the girl does in the name of "protecting" her from the world or herself. It's often assumed that boys can better take care of themselves and are more independent. And traditionally, many keep forgetting that in past decades, girls were not socialized to think of themselves as moving towards independence as they get older. They were being prepared to be in a relationship, family, responsible to someone else. So all this in some ways contributes to the sense of surprise or dismay some parents feel when their young girls or teens begin to assert themselves and their independence, because sometimes there's still this underlying expectation that girls are softer, sweeter, fragile and need more protection.

Parenting is cyclical. Most parents raise their children in the same manner in which they were raised; however each generation of parents is also shaped by the world around them which includes girls being equal to men in society. There are various cultures who still adhere to the concept that girls be treated like little ladies and to behave respectfully in public, while boys are allowed to "go wild" and be "boys." :insert male grunt here: Part of that thought process is they believe their girl grow up to be a heterosexual lady and boy to grow up to be a heterosexual man. There may alsobe the thought that statistically females are more likely to fall victim to abuse, hence the reason for the overprotective parent.

You are very right regarding girls acting out as teens because of the overprotective parent. I describe it with this metaphor: If you take your dog for a walk and he is essentially pulling you, what will happen if you drop the leash? When you take your dog for a walk you should be cognitively conditioning him to walk along side of you, and someday you will no longer need the leash. Giving kids the opportunity for independence, making mistakes, receiving punishments fosters their ability to control themselves. You can't give your kid the opportunity to show you they can be responsible if you keep them on a tight leash.

It is estimated that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will have experienced an episode of sexual abuse while younger than 18 years. The numbers of boys affected may be falsely low because of reporting techniques (Botash, Ann, MD, Pediatric Annual, May, 1997). http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32315

http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics
http://www.yellodyno.com/html/child_molester_stats.html

I think one of the biggest mistakes a parent can make is vicariously living their life through their child; instead of fostering their children's personal growth and interests. My boys understand the social mores and they are expected to behave in public. I'm raising gentlemen.

 

[endersgone]

I think for me and my sister it was definitely personality differences...

I'm the shy, introverted, and cautious type - Early on I was very reluctant to try new things, and for the most part I didn't, of course there's a few down sides to that...

My sister is the extroverted, "popular" type, and doesn't seem to perceive much risk at all - She jumps headfirst into everything, and as a result she usually excels at whatever she chooses to do; but she's also made a lot more "mistakes".

Also, from what I've seen girls can be very cliquey from middle school on through college; I think a males social environment/friends are more stable (early on anyway)... but that's really just a guess based on inductive reasoning/personal experience (which probably isn't very helpful).

 

[Faye]

Could you explain?

Gender is situated in a cultural backdrop that determines the nature of the relationship between fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters. In some cultures, the relationship between the mother and son is considered to be especially close and special whereas in ours, that is not necessarily the case. There are also a lot of cultural things about how a father ought to interact with his son and with his daughter. Finally, there is a huge amount of stuff culturally on the way sons and daughters are to behave toward their parents.

Of course, most teenagers tend to treat their parents poorly now, and they've found that once our media (especially things like MTV) hit indigenous cultures in remote parts of the world, the ways in which their youth interact with their elders change drastically. Our familiar relations are determined, to a large extent, by the sorts of messages we internalize from media, and of course it is different from boys to girls.

I don't know anything about raising children by the way.