[INFJ] - Quieting Your Mind | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Quieting Your Mind

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by pememily, Jun 15, 2019.

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  1. pememily

    pememily Newbie

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    Hello, I'm an INFJ in college and I have been dating a wonderful ENFP for a little over a month now. Everything is going great, but one thing that bothers me is the fact that I can't seem to quiet my mind enough for me to just enjoy the physical parts of my relationship. I'm always thinking about a previous conversation or wondering if what I'm doing is appropriate, and it gets in the way of me enjoying even kissing my boyfriend. My ENFP has noticed because he frequently pauses to ask me what I'm thinking about, and I always tell him. Does anyone else have this same problem or know how to make their mind shut up for a few minutes?
     
  2. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    Try turning off all your electronics, going outside and meditating
     
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  3. sassafras

    sassafras your nana
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    Is this only when you're being physical with your boyfriend?
     
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  4. OP
    pememily

    pememily Newbie

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    My mind slows down a bit when I'm engaging in my musical hobbies, but other than then, it's never quiet. I'm just noticing it as more of a problem now because it's not allowing me to just relax and enjoy myself.
     
  5. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    Do you have issues with anxiety? Social or otherwise?
     
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  6. OP
    pememily

    pememily Newbie

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    I get anxious around people I don't know very well, and I have had issues with self esteem since starting college. I used to be very confident in areas concerning my intelligence, musicality, and athleticism, but being at such a large school now makes me feel just a bit inferior at times.
     
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  7. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    OK I'm going to suggest that your difficulty in being 'in the moment' with your boyfriend is related to a more general experience of heightened anxiety in your life, though I'm not sure about how accurate this hypothesis is to reality, so please analyse what I say with the view to discarding it if it's inaccurate.

    Your transition to the college environment, and your associated drop in self-esteem by comparison with your peers, has made you feel more vulnerable and less safe in general. This means that your mind has adopted a heightened defensive posture, which translates into racing thoughts and an inability to properly relax.

    As you ease into college life, you social anxiety should drop as you establish your 'right' to be there, though other stressors will take their place unfortunately. This means that part of the solution to this problem is simply waiting and getting used to your new environment.

    The other thing you can look at is the quality of the relationship itself. I'm not referring to him or to your compatibility, but to how much you feel pressured to be a certain way. For example, if he was attracted to your intelligence and compliments you on that, then you might feel a subconscious pressure to conform to his expectations. On the other hand, if you feel free enough to be a total goof with him then this might not be the issue. In general, though, it can't hinder your relationship if you just focus on being with him rather than doing with him - e.g. you might want to just watch a movie together without speaking to each other really (just cuddle, &c.).

    Mostly, though, try not to worry about this too much. The relationship is still new and you're still trying to impress each other to a certain extent - super comfort will develop naturally and come later. Don't beat yourself up too much about this.
     
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  8. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    Relationship is OVER! Throw it all away.
     
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  9. sassafras

    sassafras your nana
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  10. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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  11. Freaky Chameleon

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    @Hostarius your exactly right {man your an INTJ genius}.

    Pememily you're not living in the moment because of anxiety with your new environment. New boy friend, new school and so on. But because your boy friend has noticed that you’re distracted this creates more anxiety, which distracts you even more. This creates what’s called a feed back loop. Anxiety creates distraction that’s noticed by your boyfriend which creates even more distraction which is noticed even more and on and on.

    You can practice staying in the moment by focusing all your attention on an object sitting in front of you. Pick any object and relax. Breath in. Breath out. Relax all your muscles. Now focus completely on the object. Describe every small detail of the object to yourself. Every line, the curves, the color. Do that for 5 minutes. Do that several times a day.

    Now when your boy friend comes over, do the same attention focusing exercises but do it on him.

    Before long the anxiety created by your boy friend noticing your distraction will go away because you’re no longer distracted.. Eventually the anxiety from your new school and other things will stop. And you will be able to focus on your boy friend without any effort.
     
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  12. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    You've got to have a routine.

    When you've got some order, a routine, a schedule, there's no time for dwelling on the past because the things you do lead into the future. And baby, the future is great!
     
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