Hello, I'm an INFJ in college and I have been dating a wonderful ENFP for a little over a month now. Everything is going great, but one thing that bothers me is the fact that I can't seem to quiet my mind enough for me to just enjoy the physical parts of my relationship. I'm always thinking about a previous conversation or wondering if what I'm doing is appropriate, and it gets in the way of me enjoying even kissing my boyfriend. My ENFP has noticed because he frequently pauses to ask me what I'm thinking about, and I always tell him. Does anyone else have this same problem or know how to make their mind shut up for a few minutes?
[INFJ] Quieting Your Mind
- Thread starter pememily
- Start date
- Sep 28, 2008
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Try turning off all your electronics, going outside and meditating
Is this only when you're being physical with your boyfriend?
My mind slows down a bit when I'm engaging in my musical hobbies, but other than then, it's never quiet. I'm just noticing it as more of a problem now because it's not allowing me to just relax and enjoy myself.
D
Deleted member 16771
Do you have issues with anxiety? Social or otherwise?
I get anxious around people I don't know very well, and I have had issues with self esteem since starting college. I used to be very confident in areas concerning my intelligence, musicality, and athleticism, but being at such a large school now makes me feel just a bit inferior at times.
D
Deleted member 16771
OK I'm going to suggest that your difficulty in being 'in the moment' with your boyfriend is related to a more general experience of heightened anxiety in your life, though I'm not sure about how accurate this hypothesis is to reality, so please analyse what I say with the view to discarding it if it's inaccurate.
Your transition to the college environment, and your associated drop in self-esteem by comparison with your peers, has made you feel more vulnerable and less safe in general. This means that your mind has adopted a heightened defensive posture, which translates into racing thoughts and an inability to properly relax.
As you ease into college life, you social anxiety should drop as you establish your 'right' to be there, though other stressors will take their place unfortunately. This means that part of the solution to this problem is simply waiting and getting used to your new environment.
The other thing you can look at is the quality of the relationship itself. I'm not referring to him or to your compatibility, but to how much you feel pressured to be a certain way. For example, if he was attracted to your intelligence and compliments you on that, then you might feel a subconscious pressure to conform to his expectations. On the other hand, if you feel free enough to be a total goof with him then this might not be the issue. In general, though, it can't hinder your relationship if you just focus on being with him rather than doing with him - e.g. you might want to just watch a movie together without speaking to each other really (just cuddle, &c.).
Mostly, though, try not to worry about this too much. The relationship is still new and you're still trying to impress each other to a certain extent - super comfort will develop naturally and come later. Don't beat yourself up too much about this.
Freaky Chameleon
Community Member
@Deleted member 16771 your exactly right {man your an INTJ genius}.
Pememily you're not living in the moment because of anxiety with your new environment. New boy friend, new school and so on. But because your boy friend has noticed that you’re distracted this creates more anxiety, which distracts you even more. This creates what’s called a feed back loop. Anxiety creates distraction that’s noticed by your boyfriend which creates even more distraction which is noticed even more and on and on.
You can practice staying in the moment by focusing all your attention on an object sitting in front of you. Pick any object and relax. Breath in. Breath out. Relax all your muscles. Now focus completely on the object. Describe every small detail of the object to yourself. Every line, the curves, the color. Do that for 5 minutes. Do that several times a day.
Now when your boy friend comes over, do the same attention focusing exercises but do it on him.
Before long the anxiety created by your boy friend noticing your distraction will go away because you’re no longer distracted.. Eventually the anxiety from your new school and other things will stop. And you will be able to focus on your boy friend without any effort.
Pin
"Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart
- Jun 26, 2017
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You've got to have a routine.
When you've got some order, a routine, a schedule, there's no time for dwelling on the past because the things you do lead into the future. And baby, the future is great!
When you've got some order, a routine, a schedule, there's no time for dwelling on the past because the things you do lead into the future. And baby, the future is great!
As a Priest (and one who believes priests should be married and is married, and having a wonderful relationship with my wife and family), I have spent my life in absolute dedication toward one, primary goal: That one, primary goal, is serving the Creator, my family, and others. Pememily, you might wonder what does this have to do with what you asked? Well, I've had to learn discipline, lots and lots of discipline. I spent years removed from society, in isolation. I still, intentionally, isolate myself as much as my wife and kids will allow me. That said, here is what I suggest:
1. Wake early--this is very good for the soul. It resets everything, and allows us to get a head-start on each day, hours before anyone else wakes-up; and so, because I am awake hours before most all others wake, I don't have that anxious-energy that so many people have when they wake. Many people wake to nervous energy because they really needed time to themselves, but feel like they jumped into a lake of icy-water because they didn't get centred in silence first. I centre before doing ANYTHING else. I sit in silence and offer gratitude in my heart--both before retiring at night and when I rise in the morning. I joyfully imagine calmness in my heart, courage in my heart, hope in my heart, and a need to serve the Creator and others with boldness. I usually wake around 4 in the morning.
2. Next, I go take a long morning stroll. I get my blood pumping. This way, when I return home, my body is fully awake and blood flows freely in me. I also love Tai Chi.
3. Upon returning home, I pray. Prayer when the blood is really pumping through the body is so much more effective! Often, because I am a man of few words, I write my prayers in a prayer journal, and then, I read them aloud if I feel so inclined. I do my best to pray without hidden motive. I seek to unite my thoughts and heart as one--for when the mind and heart are one, that is the power of creation.
4. I practice detachment. I love my loved ones while they are with me (and when they pass-on), but I strive to feel no loss in their absence. Sometimes this has worked for me, other times, it has been a struggle--but I have been getting better at it. When my father passed I didn't shed a tear. I loved him and I still do. I think on how wonderful it is that he is home again and I look forward to seeing him again!
5. To learn to focus my thoughts, one of the things that has helped me through the years has been the following: I placed a number of objects that I enjoy in front of me on the floor. And while sitting comfortably alone on the floor and in silence, I would focus all my attention on just one object. I would ignore the other objects. I would focus on the size, shape, texture, colour,etc of that object. Eventually, I became skilled in ignoring all other thoughts and could focus exclusively on the object in-question without distraction. Next, I took this type of meditation to the next level: I started breathing in and out very slowly, observing my breath as if it were an object and the only object of my focus. I would breath in very slowly, observing to feel my breathe and have all my thoughts focus on my breathe only. I then would exhale with the same intense focus. Once I mastered this form of meditation, I then sought to apply that focus in my communications with people--and guess what--it works with people too! I discovered I could stay focused on them, and that I could be patient. And when we listen without any ambition or motivation, we find we have truly become great listeners. It is one thing to listen with one's ears, it's another thing to listen with one's attentions. If your mind is focused and your ears hear him, then you are really listening to him. Your boyfriend deserves to have you gift him with your full-attention--and that my friend, is truly what it means to gift someone with your presence.
6. Second to my daily scripture studies and my efforts to apply them, comes my love of Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations." I noticed another member of this group also loves Marcus Aurelius. Marcus Aurelius was said to be the 'last good emperor of Rome,' and I think that's a great way to put it. The Holy Scriptures backed-up with the book "Meditations" has given me wonderful peace in my life. I consider myself a Messiah-following Stoic.
7. If you choose to follow the above advice, be sure to do so on an empty stomach. When we eat food, blood comes down from the head to the stomach to aid in digestion. And when some blood leaves the head and goes down towards our stomachs, our focus is decreased, and our clarity with it. Eating is a "sensing" activity, and while we should eat, as long as you're not starving or distracted by a growling stomach, then, to do all the above suggested things on an empty stomach yields some of the best results one can get.
8. Remember, ONLY do what inspires you--and this includes careers too. Money is not the goal, do only what inspires you. And when we are inspired, we are motivated. And when we are motivated, we are disciplined. And when we are disciplined we can achieve our greatest and most wonderful dreams!
9. Lastly, and most importantly, ask God to help you to make all your honourable goals a reality for you! :-D
~Bas
sovereign[dot]bas[at]gmail[dot]com
1. Wake early--this is very good for the soul. It resets everything, and allows us to get a head-start on each day, hours before anyone else wakes-up; and so, because I am awake hours before most all others wake, I don't have that anxious-energy that so many people have when they wake. Many people wake to nervous energy because they really needed time to themselves, but feel like they jumped into a lake of icy-water because they didn't get centred in silence first. I centre before doing ANYTHING else. I sit in silence and offer gratitude in my heart--both before retiring at night and when I rise in the morning. I joyfully imagine calmness in my heart, courage in my heart, hope in my heart, and a need to serve the Creator and others with boldness. I usually wake around 4 in the morning.
2. Next, I go take a long morning stroll. I get my blood pumping. This way, when I return home, my body is fully awake and blood flows freely in me. I also love Tai Chi.
3. Upon returning home, I pray. Prayer when the blood is really pumping through the body is so much more effective! Often, because I am a man of few words, I write my prayers in a prayer journal, and then, I read them aloud if I feel so inclined. I do my best to pray without hidden motive. I seek to unite my thoughts and heart as one--for when the mind and heart are one, that is the power of creation.
4. I practice detachment. I love my loved ones while they are with me (and when they pass-on), but I strive to feel no loss in their absence. Sometimes this has worked for me, other times, it has been a struggle--but I have been getting better at it. When my father passed I didn't shed a tear. I loved him and I still do. I think on how wonderful it is that he is home again and I look forward to seeing him again!
5. To learn to focus my thoughts, one of the things that has helped me through the years has been the following: I placed a number of objects that I enjoy in front of me on the floor. And while sitting comfortably alone on the floor and in silence, I would focus all my attention on just one object. I would ignore the other objects. I would focus on the size, shape, texture, colour,etc of that object. Eventually, I became skilled in ignoring all other thoughts and could focus exclusively on the object in-question without distraction. Next, I took this type of meditation to the next level: I started breathing in and out very slowly, observing my breath as if it were an object and the only object of my focus. I would breath in very slowly, observing to feel my breathe and have all my thoughts focus on my breathe only. I then would exhale with the same intense focus. Once I mastered this form of meditation, I then sought to apply that focus in my communications with people--and guess what--it works with people too! I discovered I could stay focused on them, and that I could be patient. And when we listen without any ambition or motivation, we find we have truly become great listeners. It is one thing to listen with one's ears, it's another thing to listen with one's attentions. If your mind is focused and your ears hear him, then you are really listening to him. Your boyfriend deserves to have you gift him with your full-attention--and that my friend, is truly what it means to gift someone with your presence.
6. Second to my daily scripture studies and my efforts to apply them, comes my love of Marcus Aurelius' "Meditations." I noticed another member of this group also loves Marcus Aurelius. Marcus Aurelius was said to be the 'last good emperor of Rome,' and I think that's a great way to put it. The Holy Scriptures backed-up with the book "Meditations" has given me wonderful peace in my life. I consider myself a Messiah-following Stoic.
7. If you choose to follow the above advice, be sure to do so on an empty stomach. When we eat food, blood comes down from the head to the stomach to aid in digestion. And when some blood leaves the head and goes down towards our stomachs, our focus is decreased, and our clarity with it. Eating is a "sensing" activity, and while we should eat, as long as you're not starving or distracted by a growling stomach, then, to do all the above suggested things on an empty stomach yields some of the best results one can get.
8. Remember, ONLY do what inspires you--and this includes careers too. Money is not the goal, do only what inspires you. And when we are inspired, we are motivated. And when we are motivated, we are disciplined. And when we are disciplined we can achieve our greatest and most wonderful dreams!
9. Lastly, and most importantly, ask God to help you to make all your honourable goals a reality for you! :-D
~Bas
sovereign[dot]bas[at]gmail[dot]com
License plates? No.
Books? God-willing, I've been thinking about writing some books! :-D
I do write a lot. I've written many articles and the like, but I've not yet written a book. I write a lot though. I could probably compile all I've written into a number of books--the only thing stopping me is the question as to whether I should monetize a labour of love. I don't like the idea of monetizing any labour of love. That said, I've written a lot over the years! I love it! :-D
I have the same issue, though mine is due to having both ADHD and Low Latent Inhibition which makes it very difficult to quiet my mind. If you're unable to quiet your mind, put a thought or music on in the background. Movie soundtrack music works well, as does an already existant creative writing WIP. If you can, focus on how the experience is affecting your nerves and neurons, and the connection between them and how warm or cold each sensation is. But if you can't, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It just might not be for you, which is still normal, and nothing wrong with you if you can't.
this has the ring of past trauma. of course, I may be completely off base, however panic,or other distraction with intimacy leads me to think this might be an issue. might be worth some therapy sessions to see if there is something like that in your past