Questions about being an INFJ

[Love_Conquers_All]

So I have taken multiple tests and every one of them comes up with INFJ and after reading multiple descriptions I know without a doubt I am INFJ. I am just pondering lately on my experience growing up as such. I tend to have this deep desire to be completely open and honest with people whom I care about because I want them to understand me how I understand them but after trying that a few times I have realized it is not wise because most people are shocked and put off by such brutal honesty. I also have always seemed to care about others way more than they seem to care about me and it is quite frustrating. I have a tendency to be extremely critical of others motives and actions in life. I do the same with myself and beat myself up continuously for months on end when I feel I have messed up with someone. I guess I am just looking for advice from other INFJs on how to grow past the tendency to be so negative and critical as well as the general pessimistic nature I am inclined towards. It may be due to how many people have used me and tossed me away without a second glance just because I tend to want to love everyone no matter what. I tend to recognize people with bad intentions immediately but want to love them anyways. I don't do this though due to past experiences. I am just really confused by myself in general. I tend towards multiple thought patterns running at once and I never quite get myself. I just analyze everything way too much i suppose. Any help would be greatly appreciated as I have felt like I am going crazy most of my life. also do any of you have the ability to know someone as soon as you meet them it kind of confuses me that it proves to be true every time.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

So I have taken multiple tests and every one of them comes up with INFJ and after reading multiple descriptions I know without a doubt I am INFJ. I am just pondering lately on my experience growing up as such. I tend to have this deep desire to be completely open and honest with people whom I care about because I want them to understand me how I understand them but after trying that a few times I have realized it is not wise because most people are shocked and put off by such brutal honesty. I also have always seemed to care about others way more than they seem to care about me and it is quite frustrating. I have a tendency to be extremely critical of others motives and actions in life. I do the same with myself and beat myself up continuously for months on end when I feel I have messed up with someone. I guess I am just looking for advice from other INFJs on how to grow past the tendency to be so negative and critical as well as the general pessimistic nature I am inclined towards. It may be due to how many people have used me and tossed me away without a second glance just because I tend to want to love everyone no matter what. I tend to recognize people with bad intentions immediately but want to love them anyways. I don't do this though due to past experiences. I am just really confused by myself in general. I tend towards multiple thought patterns running at once and I never quite get myself. I just analyze everything way too much i suppose. Any help would be greatly appreciated as I have felt like I am going crazy most of my life. also do any of you have the ability to know someone as soon as you meet them it kind of confuses me that it proves to be true every time.

also do any of you have the ability to know someone as soon as you meet them it kind of confuses me that it proves to be true every time.

I have this as well, to the point i can tell who is thinking what many times. I also see criminals and pretty bad people in general when walking in the street doing my own thing, and i can also tell quite accurately the motives of politicians and their final outcome of their presidencies just by looking at them.

This can be quite frightening, especially if you have nobody to share it with.

As for the rest of your post though, which is just as important if not more:

I had this problem of wanting to open up to anyone and also wanting to love and accept anyone no matter what, because of the ability i(we) have to see the good side of anyone.
Problem is though, that while you are putting more and more energy into some people, those people will not give it back, and they will actually drain you to the bone, because of their rotten character to begin with. So what this had taught me in time, is that just like you put water on the floor, the floor will not grow. However, if you put water to plants, they will grow. Which means: invest emotionally in people who you know (use your senses, don't be alarmed to) are empathic people and that like to share as well. You will not be drained of energy, and neither will they. You will both grow beautifully from your encounters.

However, note that even when you find nice empathic people that you have fun with, remember that you will usually (or always since we're quite rare, depends on how many friends you will have in your life time statistically) be the one who understands the other side more often.

I got myself the habit of opening up very very gradually to people i choose to open up to. This is because of the immense depth in my personality, which can be totally overwhelming to other people, who may have a potential for this depth as well, but are alarmed from the inner depths of their own, so of course they will be alarmed from mine.

Also, i really suggest learning a form of art that you would really like to learn (sounds to me like you're a true artist in your soul), as this is very good for your mind. It helps get your emotions flowing, and also at times (like i do with my guitar) helps express yourself to others without speaking.

I hope this helps you. Feel free to ask more questions, and to message me in private if you would like.

Cheers!

 

[Neuro]

Hah I was thinking of the same thing yesterday.....
I grew angry and bitter as I realized people don't think/feel the same way I do, they dismiss treating others with respect in order to fulfill their own egoistic needs... I learned to accept that all people are different - some just don't work the way I do and they have their reasons for doing so. It's something that will never change, the only thing I can do about it is to let go of my expectations of people behaving the way I feel is optimal, because most times - they won't.
I figured that I will not gain much other than negative emotions if I kept offering myself to others who didn't know how to handle it "correctly", so I stopped. I save that energy for the moments and people I belive it to result in something positive for me, otherwise I would just have kept being worn out more than I already do.

I also see criminals and pretty bad people in general when walking in the street doing my own thing

How are you able to tell if they're criminals or bad people? What do you think of them as you walk by?

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Hah I was thinking of the same thing yesterday.....
I grew angry and bitter as I realized people don't think/feel the same way I do, they dismiss treating others with respect in order to fulfill their own egoistic needs... I learned to accept that all people are different - some just don't work the way I do and they have their reasons for doing so. It's something that will never change, the only thing I can do about it is to let go of my expectations of people behaving the way I feel is optimal, because most times - they won't.
I figured that I will not gain much other than negative emotions if I kept offering myself to others who didn't know how to handle it "correctly", so I stopped. I save that energy for the moments and people I belive it to result in something positive for me, otherwise I would just have kept being worn out more than I already do.

How are you able to tell if they're criminals or bad people? What do you think of them as you walk by?

Just as i can tell if someone is a good person, it's the facial expression, and the body's posture, and the way they move and react to the people around them(i.e glances and stares and how their body reacts like if they feel disgusted from a certain person that walks or sits by, or if they are smiling to themselves, what kind of smile, evil grin or peaceful acceptance, etc). My mind just does it automatically when i'm feeling well and energized, i believe it's a combined outcome of logic and intuition. Or logic and feelings if you like.

Sometimes you can tell more from a person's walking and reactions to the outside world than when you actually speak to them, since people who have things to hide will try to do so more thoroughly when they engage in a chat with someone. When they think noone knows who they are, it's when they're most obvious

 

[Neuro]

Just as i can tell if someone is a good person, it's the facial expression, and the body's posture, and the way they move and react to the people around them(i.e glances and stares and how their body reacts like if they feel disgusted from a certain person that walks or sits by, or if they are smiling to themselves, what kind of smile, evil grin or peaceful acceptance, etc). My mind just does it automatically when i'm feeling well and energized, i believe it's a combined outcome of logic and intuition. Or logic and feelings if you like.

Sometimes you can tell more from a person's walking and reactions to the outside world than when you actually speak to them, since people who have things to hide will try to do so more thoroughly when they engage in a chat with someone. When they think noone knows who they are, it's when they're most obvious

Hmyeah I do pretty much the same. And I feel in pretty much all cases I get an even better knowledge of them too as I speak to them directly, of course, since you're in the center of their attention for a moment you can focus on the way they express themselves much more intimately. People usually say a lot more when they communicate with everything else but the words in their mouth.
Though I'd be more careful assigning words such as "bad" and "criminal" to people I didn't know anything of other than the vibes they give.

 

[Tin Man]

Just as i can tell if someone is a good person, it's the facial expression, and the body's posture, and the way they move and react to the people around them(i.e glances and stares and how their body reacts like if they feel disgusted from a certain person that walks or sits by, or if they are smiling to themselves, what kind of smile, evil grin or peaceful acceptance, etc). My mind just does it automatically when i'm feeling well and energized, i believe it's a combined outcome of logic and intuition. Or logic and feelings if you like.

Sometimes you can tell more from a person's walking and reactions to the outside world than when you actually speak to them, since people who have things to hide will try to do so more thoroughly when they engage in a chat with someone. When they think noone knows who they are, it's when they're most obvious

Isn't that judging a book by it's cover? Believing you know someone's character simply by their body language is both foolish and arrogant.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Isn't that judging a book by it's cover? Believing you know someone's character simply by their body language is both foolish and arrogant.

Just like the eyes are the windows to the mind, the body's movement is the window to one's emotions and sensations.

There's a limit to what you can tell by this, of course, and the more complex the person you are assessing, the more room for error. Therefore i don't hurry to judge, i am very patient with drawing definite conclusions. However, this method (depending of your natural skill and how much practice you have had) certainly lets you know a whole lot about people.

Also, i believe referring to people that you you've never spoken to as arrogant and foolish, is, well, arrogant and foolish

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microexpressions
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_Action_Coding_System
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_language

 

[Tin Man]

Just like the eyes are the windows to the mind, the body's movement is the window to one's emotions and sensations.

There's a limit to what you can tell by this, of course, and the more complex the person you are assessing, the more room for error. Therefore i don't hurry to judge, i am very patient with drawing definite conclusions. However, this method (depending of your natural skill and how much practice you have had) certainly lets you know a whole lot about people.

Also, i believe referring to people that you you've never spoken to as arrogant and foolish, is, well, arrogant and foolish

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microexpressions
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Facial_Action_Coding_System
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_language

People are complex and saying you can know whether someone is good or bad through body language, a unreliable tool, is unrealistic. There are so many variables that go into the way we act and it's easy to mistake one behaviour for another. There's also your own prejudices to take in to account. You may believe that you know a certain person is untrustworthy after reading their body language but it could also be due to their smile being slightly similar to someone who betrayed you.

It's not much different than calling a stranger arrogant and foolish after reading a few of their posts.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

People are complex and saying you can know whether someone is good or bad through body language, a unreliable tool, is unrealistic. There are so many variables that go into the way we act and it's easy to mistake one behaviour for another. There's also your own prejudices to take in to account. You may believe that you know a certain person is untrustworthy after reading their body language but it could also be due to their smile being slightly similar to someone who betrayed you.

It's not much different than calling a stranger arrogant and foolish after reading a few of their posts.

Let's agree to disagree then, shall we?

 

[Love_Conquers_All]

Well from my own observations of people there is good and evil in everyone. The thing with us INFJs I believe we tend to notice who embraces their evil side more and those are who we inherently do not trust or want around us. But at the same time this desire to love everyone is so strong it's quite aggravating having about a billion mental battles with yourself everyday. As for the supposed complexity of the majority of people I agree they are but most of them love on a surface level when it comes to their own personality. That's why INFJs can see things inside of people before they are aware of it themselves. If they were as in touch with their inner self as we are they would already be aware.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Well from my own observations of people there is good and evil in everyone. The thing with us INFJs I believe we tend to notice who embraces their evil side more and those are who we inherently do not trust or want around us. But at the same time this desire to love everyone is so strong it's quite aggravating having about a billion mental battles with yourself everyday. As for the supposed complexity of the majority of people I agree they are but most of them love on a surface level when it comes to their own personality. That's why INFJs can see things inside of people before they are aware of it themselves. If they were as in touch with their inner self as we are they would already be aware.

sounds reasonable

I think you should find a way to be more alert to darker people and not feel love for them as strongly as you would to good people. I have trained myself to become more aware around sinister folks and therefore instead of loving them and playing into their hands, i feel a healthy boost of fear (yes fear can be very healthy and revitalizing as it's one of our best defense mechanisms, problem is most people tend to be over fearful which makes it very hard to love) and focus, and i continue to my destination whether it's the grocery store or whatever i feel like doing at the time. Trick is to not hate them, but also to not love them. Understanding them does the 'trick' for me. The more these people have, the more they will take, hence, i do not wish to give them anything usually(it really depends on the situation and the person you are interacting with, as 'sinister folk' is a very very generalized concept and it has so many shades of gray), unless i believe it's for the greater good.

On that note, when i come across good people that like to share, i usually share a whole lot with them, since i know they will do the same with other people, and that way it's just like watering a plant, which grows and multiplies, as opposed to watering plain dirt with no seeds, which just sucks your water away to no avail.

 

[Love_Conquers_All]

Thanks for the advice I am just starting to step out of my shell. I am just really in need of communication with other INFJs I have no one around me that gets me.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Well you have come to the right place then

 

[Nitesteamer]

In Hamlet, Polonious was having a heart-to-heart with his son and said "Give every man(person) thine ear, but few thy voice;". This generallly holds true.

You mentioned a tendency to be negative and critical at times, although you didn't say whether or not you often verbally express those judgments. I know that sometimes it is unavoidable to express these kinds of things. but Please remember that it is often not mandatory to give voice to these. Sometimes we are wrong. By suspending judgement we will often be relieved that we avoided unnecessary conflict, and the subsequent backtracking and correction.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

In Hamlet, Polonious was having a heart-to-heart with his son and said "Give every man(person) thine ear, but few thy voice;". This generallly holds true.

You mentioned a tendency to be negative and critical at times, although you didn't say whether or not you often verbally express those judgments. I know that sometimes it is unavoidable to express these kinds of things. but Please remember that it is often not mandatory to give voice to these. Sometimes we are wrong. By suspending judgement we will often be relieved that we avoided unnecessary conflict, and the subsequent backtracking and correction.

Wise words, and also, kickass quote from shakespere. I always thought shakespere was a waste of time, maybe i'll bring myself to read/watch hamlet

 

[Nitesteamer]

Wise words, and also, kickass quote from shakespere. I always thought shakespere was a waste of time, maybe i'll bring myself to read/watch hamlet

It's worth your time. (1996 dvd version w/ Kenneth Branagh is good.)

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

It's worth your time. (1996 dvd version w/ Kenneth Branagh is good.)

Thx will give it a shot

 

[myname]

I too feel that I love everyone more than they myself. It kinda suxs.....

 

[Silvercube]

I tend to have this deep desire to be completely open and honest with people whom I care about because I want them to understand me how I understand them but after trying that a few times I have realized it is not wise because most people are shocked and put off by such brutal honesty. I also have always seemed to care about others way more than they seem to care about me and it is quite frustrating. I have a tendency to be extremely critical of others motives and actions in life. I do the same with myself and beat myself up continuously for months on end when I feel I have messed up with someone. I guess I am just looking for advice from other INFJs on how to grow past the tendency to be so negative and critical as well as the general pessimistic nature I am inclined towards. It may be due to how many people have used me and tossed me away without a second glance just because I tend to want to love everyone no matter what. I tend to recognize people with bad intentions immediately but want to love them anyways. I don't do this though due to past experiences. I am just really confused by myself in general. I tend towards multiple thought patterns running at once and I never quite get myself. I just analyze everything way too much i suppose. Any help would be greatly appreciated as I have felt like I am going crazy most of my life. also do any of you have the ability to know someone as soon as you meet them it kind of confuses me that it proves to be true every time.

I also feel the same way in much of what you are saying -- I'm also 24 and male too -- which kinda compelled me to create an account and respond to this
I also open myself up a lot and it is frustrating that it seems I care more about others than others care about me too --- I'm usually the one to initiate most conversations.

I don't know if I've been used much (I did not really have any friends growing up, made 2 friends in high school, and 1 amazing friend in undergrad, and quite a few friends (though not super close in grad school). Most of my friends are from online, through Xbox mostly.

I find it difficult being friends with a lot of guys, I feel like I'm on a different wavelength with most of them. However, two of my closest friends (who I view them as family) are guys and I'm lucky to have them in my life. Most of my friends are female.

For me, learning how to not be so critical to myself is about learning how to love yourself. It's a journey in progress for me. I think eventually I will be less critical of myself. I don't know if I'm too critical of others, though I do have high expectations for myself and I realize that I can't hold people to the expectations I have of myself.

I do have a good sense of people, and usually my intuition is very true. It seems to be some sort of energy, can't quite explain. I don't know if I can love everyone, but I do want to be inclusive to everyone. I don't want to leave anyone out... that being said it can get exhausting.

Being INFJ can be really difficult as I think we have the most to learn about ourselves I feel -- I seem to be recognized by many though for my kindness and was awarded in my high school, undergrad, and grad schools for this, and was the only one throughout all times to even get an award, the award was created just for me in grad school-- which left me so happy I couldn't sleep very much for a week.

I analyze things a lot too... I think we can be the worst critic of ourselves.. I read somewhere INFJ's are the ones who are most likely to see therapists, and it may be true, I see one myself for these kinds of things I just mentioned!

 

[Shadows]

READ THIS. Seriously. I feel the same way as you and when I read this it all made sense, and it was like it was written specifically for me.

http://personalityjunkie.com/09/infj-vs-infp-enfj-isfj-emotions-judgments/



And while you're at it, read the INFJ profile and other articles on that site. It's the best on the web for MBTI by far, in my opinion.

I'm afraid there's not much you can do to change this aspect of your personality, but you can take comfort in the fact that you're not crazy and that this is just the tradeoff for your special Ni gifts.

After reading your response, I went on the website to check it out and it is full of information! For the past hour or so, I have been reading through it and I noticed a lot of my own behaviors in the articles. Thanks for introducing the site.

Take care