Pursuing beautiful INFJ girl. WHAT TO DO!?! | INFJ Forum

Pursuing beautiful INFJ girl. WHAT TO DO!?!

Desmond

Lucky
Sep 15, 2015
7
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0
MBTI
INFP
Hey all,

I need some advice. I'll lay out the events as they've unfolded so far, and you guys can tell me what you think. Hope you guys like novels!

So I'm interested in this INFJ girl. She is one of my friend's roommates. I've been curious about her for awhile, but opportunity never really presented itself until recently. My friend came over to hang out one day and brought her along. We mostly played night games and then chatted in the park with a big group of people. She is really charming and kind, so naturally most of the guys were hovering around her.

Later, somehow I heard from a friend that she had said something along the lines of "I could see myself dating Desmond" or somehow expressed interest in me. Well, I had been thinking of asking her out, and once I heard this I knew I had to. So I asked her out and she said yes.

Fast forward to the date. We went to this arcade/bowling/minigolf place. The chemistry seemed great between us, she is really easy to talk to, she smiles and laughs at me a lot, she seems comfortable (sitting in the car with her legs up on the seat, for example) around me. However, I noticed that when I dropped her off at her house, she seemed to just give me a quick hug and bolt inside.

A few days later, I text her inviting her to come on a little canyon cruise with me in the convertible. She comes along, and its just us. We talk about our families, likes, dislikes, relationships...I even teach her to drive stick in a parking lot after the drive. Things are great. However, once again I drop her off at the door and she gives me a quick hug and then bolts inside.

Later that night, she texts me saying her and her sister are watching a movie if I wanted to come over. I say sure, I'll be there in ten or so. Now TAKE NOTE, on the canyon drive we had both expressed how we couldnt understand the way some people can have these makeout sessions and cuddle sessions without being invested or having any feelings for the other person. So I figured if we cuddled tonight during the movie, it would have to mean something to her.

Well, I go over and the whole time she has her hand resting on her thigh, and I know she wants me to take it, but I'm a bit nervous. Well, halfway through the movie, she goes and grabs a blanket, and when she comes back I put my arm out, and she snuggles up really close to me, and things are great! Physical touch is huge to me, and I know its huge to her too. However, after the movie, we talk for a few minutes, and then I mention I should get home. She walks me out the door, gives me another quick hug, and then takes off.

Fast forward another 5 days or so. I take her on a date to see a play. Things are good, I can tell she enjoys the play and stuff. The seats are theater style with arm rests between, so not ideal for getting really intimate or cuddling, but I do notice that she sits in such a way that her body is always turned towards me. A few times I reach over and rest my hand on her knee, because I want to feel that physical connection somehow, and she doesnt seem to mind it.

After the play, I take her to a local park, and we walk around and talk about all sorts of stuff. Why we think the world is the way it is, whether people are inherently good or bad, what should be done about the bum problem in the city...I really look for a girl who can get deep and talk about these things with me, and she is all about it. We also talk past relationships, and I find out most of hers usually last a month is all, and its usually the guys that end it. She claims she usually goes for douchebag guys and always ends up getting hurt.

I ask her what she looks for in a companion, and surprisingly she legitimately cant seem to give me an answer. I dont think shes being mysterious or hiding anything, I truly believe she has never given it serious thought. Its no wonder about her past relationships. Anyways, I share what I value in a partner, and she seems to accept it. By now Im finally starting to feel a connection with her, like im starting really see who she is.

I drove her home, and I was really considering kissing her. I had heard her friend tell me once that most guys kiss her after the first date, and that she didnt like that. Well, this is technically the 3rd, so I figure maybe now is the time to show her that shes important to me. We get to the doorstep scene, and I give her a big hug, and she reciprocates for the most part, but as soon as I let go, she bolts for the door again.

I cant stand the mixed signals, so I finally text her and say "If im honest, I'm having a hard time reading you." She replies "what do you mean?". I say "I just cant tell if you're interested or if you're just really nice". Here's her response: "Is it bad if I say I'm not sure? Since I don't have the best track record, I'm trying to be a little more pragmatic..."

I respond "No thats not bad. Thats kind of the feeling I got." After not receiving any kind of answer for a little while, I decide to write "Well I'll just say this: I feel like we could work really well". She simply replies ":)"

So thats pretty much where things are at. It was her roomates birthday, so we all watched a movie. Me and this INFJ girl ended up on the floor next to each other, lying down. No attempts to cuddle were made on either of our parts, but I noticed that she did lay pretty close to me, and her body language seemed to convey interest. Like, she shifted to lay on her side, facing me, and her hands were really close to me. The tension was absolutely killing me, to be honest. I just wanted to hold her, but I didnt dare make a move because I hear INFJs can be sensitive with PDA, besides the fact that we're just not that far yet.

ANYWAYS, so now I'm at a loss. Should I sit back and let her pursue me a bit? Should I ask her on another date? I would love to get her alone again and just talk some more. I feel like thats the best way we can reallly connect. Whats up with the avoiding the kissing? It seems like she gave ample opportunity to these past guys that kiss on the first date, but with me its like she doesnt want to give any chances for it...

You guys think she is interested, or am I just wasting my time? I really like her, and I am Mr archetypal helpless romantic INFP, so I can't stop thinking about her, and its not that often I feel this way about someone, so it drives me crazy to just sit her and wait, but if thats my best bet...
 
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Let me tell you from my INFJ perspective as a female. She likes you. She is afraid of people seeing her make an effort, because she will be judged for that in her mind. If you do not pursue her, chances are you will not hear from her, but in her mind you will be just another one of those douchebag guys. I hate the awkward moment of "are they going to kiss me?" so I usually bolt too. To me, it sounds like she is into you. Continue to go out and do things with her, she will be the best just you and her, as she will only have to worry about your judgement, and not anyone elses.

Now if she is anything like me, she will actually be more open via text or internet chat about her own feelings, though she will not divulge much. We just dont give that away.
 
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For sure ask her out some more.

By her own admission she's had some hurtful relationships in the past....and this one with you is an experiment.
I'm betting her trust in herself is at an all time low. The fact her body feels safe in your presence is huge.
So go with the flow. If you really like her - take the time to get to know her before the physical stuff begins. It'll happen when she's ready and you won't you have to guess. You'll know...
 
I have hugged and run so many times, it's like an olympic event. I have the gold medal but she might have the silver.

She sounds a lot like me. I hug and run if I really like the guy a lot but am not sure if he reciprocates OR if I think he will eventually hurt me. For example, I have a friend who could have eventually been more but he has said and done certain things that made me believe that he might not treat me well if our relationship ever changed. I am still attracted to him and like being with him and don't want to lose him as a friend, so he is a hug and run for sure. If you have ever said anything in your conversations about your preferences or dislikes that might apply to her in a negative way, she would never let on but has likely filed that information away for reference and won't quite let you past the friend threshold.

So, I don't know what you said but whatever it was is making her hesitate. You can ask but she will most likely not tell you. Maybe review your conversations for anything that might have been off-putting?
 
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She sounds scared and unsure. She's not that into you... yet. Take your time. Don't rush her. You're having a nice time. Let her pursue you. If you pressure her before she's totally smitten, it will turn her off. If she's infj and if I'm reading her correctly.

I think it's a good sign that she isn't avoiding you, yet. If you come on too strong when she only sees you as a friend it will get weird for her and she'll stop wanting to hang out. I take unsure to mean she's on the fence, which means she's considering her feelings for you. That means you're not automatically friend zoned.
 
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You little lovebirds - your post sounds so romantic! Seems like a common theme with infj's - we like to run when being pursued!

[MENTION=12050]Superlative[/MENTION] — move over girl - I think you need to step aside and hand that gold medal over to me. :wink: My long and suffering poor hubby (now) proposed three times in the 9 years we were together before I finally said, "YES." Clearly I had issues!

So patience and a tenacious spirit is required when dealing with particularly INFJ? women (I dunno). Hopefully you won't need to wait that long before you go on another date!

Curiosity is good and I can't stress how important it is for you both to take the time to get to know each other. She clearly likes you (no doubt) because as you mentioned she could see herself being with you/expressed an interest in you etc.

I (as in you!) wouldn't act standoffish as that will definitely just make things more complicated/confusing for you both (don't play games - who needs that?!). Just continue to be upfront about your thoughts, feelings etc but give her the space to process things for herself.

I like how you just simply texted her to clarify how you were feeling ie "mixed signals".....keep doing that (within reason) as reassurance is important and helps you to stay on track. As long as she continues to give you responsive answers/clues to your questions (whatever shape that takes) - accept it for the moment until she is in a position to elaborate. Whatever you do - don't suffocate her. If she goes silent on you that doesn't mean she's no longer interested....Not sure about other INFJ women (or any other type) out there but authenticity will always be the key to my heart. Cuddles are good too. :)

I couldn't resist but your post reminds me of this scene from Miss Congenitally.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCnvuyK6ur8

Gracie Hart:
You think I'm gorgeous... You want to kiss me... You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to smooch me... You want to hug me.

Really really hope it goes well for you both. Keep us updated!
 
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sounds to me like you are already on the right track. don't worry too much about (lack of, or reserved) public displays of affection, intimacy - that might take some time to build up as does her trust and confidence in you. if you really do like her, keep up the good work so far.
 
I appreciate all of the advice so far. I reached out yesterday in text and asked if she was busy that night. She told me that her softball game was cancelled (it was a stormy day) and that she was probably going to do some homework and cleaning. I invited her over like this. Keep in mind that this is something of an inside joke, and we had previously discussed talents, and somehow she talked about how she was pretty awesome at Mario Kart. Here's my message: "Oh fun. Well I was going to challenge you to some Mario kart! I figure its not the best weather outside, maybe its a good day to prove these mad skills you claim to have ;)"

She responded: "Haha. I definitely have skills! I'm actually thinking I'm gonna do my homework and go to bed. I'm so tired :/"

Now initially my impression would be "SHUT DOWN!!! She wants nothing to do with you." However, she did just move to a new appartment and is now sharing a room (I helped them move a few days ago), and she also just started a new job on monday. So she told me she hasn't been sleeping well at all the last few nights, and that she was exhausted.

I proceeded to kind of sympathize with her, telling her I know how that can be, telling her that I too hardly function when I'm sleep deprived. Anyways, I ask her if she can fall asleep to music very easily. She says "Sometimes... Sometimes it makes my mind run though". So I give her a few suggestions of some of my favorite albums to fall asleep to, and then joke that if that doesn't work, chemistry lectures always put me to sleep in class. She hasn't responded since.

Now first off, I dont think she is a very good texter. It seems INFJ personalities in general dont buy into heavy texting, and thats perfectly fine. Second, its possible she actually did fall asleep, and just hasnt had a chance to answer.

ANYWAYS, what do you guys think? I mentioned earlier, I'm friends with her roommate, and I am sure she knows a bunch of stuff. The temptation to text her roommate and just ask if I still have a chance is pretty big. On the one hand, maybe the answer would be "no bud, you ought to just move on", and then I could pick up my shattered heart and trudge on. On the other hand, this might be betraying the trust of this INFJ girl that I have my heart so set on. I wouldn't like to know things about her that I haven't found out from her. Besides, I feel like she would be able to detect this anyways.

I really want to ask her to go on a little hike with me, so that I can just get to know her more. I was going to try for Friday, but with yesterday's little escapade, I figure that might seem too needy. Should I wait until next week?

Dating has never come natural to me, the whole process just seems unnatural and awkward, especially when you develop feelings for someone so early in. Then the process just becomes agonizing until they match you and things begin to work out. :(
 
Now first off, I dont think she is a very good texter. It seems INFJ personalities in general dont buy into heavy texting, and thats perfectly fine. Second, its possible she actually did fall asleep, and just hasnt had a chance to answer.

The temptation to text her roommate and just ask if I still have a chance is pretty big.

I am not great at texting if I am not that interested or I have a lot of stuff going on. It sounds like she might just be overwhelmed right now. If I am really interested in someone, I keep up with texting on purpose and keep my phone with me because I want to know more. I know this is not what you want to hear but I think she has friend zoned you but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. This doesn't mean you are forever friend zoned. She might change her mind later if you are trustworthy and there when she needs you most. She is probably very cautious.

Do NOT ask the roommate. We INFJ ladies hate that. Besides, if she really is INFJ, the roommate will never know what's really in her heart anyway.
 
Can I ask you a few questions about my wife I married back when you were born? :)

Hold each other and cuddle when you can.
 
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you need to be more... Pushy. I don't believe she is infj though.
 
I can definitely be more pushy if I need to, but I don't want to pressure her.

Care to explain why I should be more pushy and also what makes you think she's not an INFJ? Thanks again everyone for the help, it's much appreciated!
 
i would love for a nice, genuine, cute guy to ask me to go on a hike. how romantic!!!

i think [MENTION=731]the[/MENTION] is right. you need to be more... assertive. why are you being so shy about this, what is with all the wishy washy texting?? if you want to spend time with her, call her and pin down a time to meet. if she refuses to make a time, hang up! then you can forget about it and play nintendo.

why would you talk to her roommate? you talk to the person you want to date, not their roommate.

you seem to be perceiving your heart as being very delicate. i think you need to try to think of your heart as being big, strong, healthy, and resilient. there are many disappointments in life. when the disappointment is over, you will still be alive, and there will still be other things that you want to do in life. things that are exciting and wonderful. your heart will go on!!!!

also i think that you seem to be overthinking this a little bit. maybe i have just become old and impatient now, but there is no way i waste energy on someone who doesnt feel the same. i have other, much more rewarding stuff to do. like chatting on the infjs forum :smile:
 
Blah blah blah blah...and then some more blah blah blah blah....

Let me get this straight. 5 or so dates now and you still have not kissed her?
 
I can definitely be more pushy if I need to, but I don't want to pressure her.Care to explain why I should be more pushy and also what makes you think she's not an INFJ? Thanks again everyone for the help, it's much appreciated!
She likes assertive douchebags. You're being a wuss. That doesn't match. Also I don't thi she is infj because she doesn't seem to act like an infj would.
 
Woah woah woah haha.
[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION]: Yes, I've been burned many times in the past (haven't we all), and so I tend to be much more cautious about dating these days. But I agree, I should be more confident and willing to jump, and if I get hurt, so what, learn what I can and move on. Its a much more healthy attitude for sure, its just harder in practice :p I'll get there.

Also for the record, I don't play video games. It was just something she had mentioned before and I figured it would be a fun reason to get her over to spend some time with me, and we could go from there. Also, of course I'm over thinking this. Its what I do :(

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]: Its been 3 dates. Opportunity hasn't quite presented itself, and a good part of that is my fault. But I don't want to "steal a kiss" from her if shes not feeling it. That will do more damage than good.

[MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]: Yeah, I agree. I do need to be more assertive. Seems she won't initiate anything, and that's fine. I really don't mind taking the lead, but the lack of initiation with MOST other types of people can mean lack of interest.

Anyways, here's the game plan. Her roommate wants to do a little canyon cruise with us Sunday, so the girl I'm interested in (we'll call her River for anonymity sake) will most likely ride with me. This is good because I feel like the biggest thing is we need to truly get to know each other. I feel like I am more willing to start a relationship once I decide I like someone, but it sounds like she really needs to know the person well before she gets any kind of serious. So quality time!

Then, on the drive I can see when she is available for next week. The thing is, I know this awesome hike, but its a good 40 minute drive and at the end there is a really neat hot spring. BUT this requires bathing suits and stuff, so I'll have to see how comfortable she is with the idea. But it would be ideal because it would be a lot of time just us, which is what I feel like we need to progress the relationship.

ANYWAYS, yeah, I think too much. No doubt about that. I'll keep you guys updated. I really do appreciate the advice. I'm confident in who I am and I know that once she sees me for me, she wont be able to resist :p
 
Woah woah woah haha.
[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION]: Yes, I've been burned many times in the past (haven't we all), and so I tend to be much more cautious about dating these days. But I agree, I should be more confident and willing to jump, and if I get hurt, so what, learn what I can and move on. Its a much more healthy attitude for sure, its just harder in practice :p I'll get there.

Also for the record, I don't play video games. It was just something she had mentioned before and I figured it would be a fun reason to get her over to spend some time with me, and we could go from there. Also, of course I'm over thinking this. Its what I do :(

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]: Its been 3 dates. Opportunity hasn't quite presented itself, and a good part of that is my fault. But I don't want to "steal a kiss" from her if shes not feeling it. That will do more damage than good.

[MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]: Yeah, I agree. I do need to be more assertive. Seems she won't initiate anything, and that's fine. I really don't mind taking the lead, but the lack of initiation with MOST other types of people can mean lack of interest.

Anyways, here's the game plan. Her roommate wants to do a little canyon cruise with us Sunday, so the girl I'm interested in (we'll call her River for anonymity sake) will most likely ride with me. This is good because I feel like the biggest thing is we need to truly get to know each other. I feel like I am more willing to start a relationship once I decide I like someone, but it sounds like she really needs to know the person well before she gets any kind of serious. So quality time!

Then, on the drive I can see when she is available for next week. The thing is, I know this awesome hike, but its a good 40 minute drive and at the end there is a really neat hot spring. BUT this requires bathing suits and stuff, so I'll have to see how comfortable she is with the idea. But it would be ideal because it would be a lot of time just us, which is what I feel like we need to progress the relationship.

ANYWAYS, yeah, I think too much. No doubt about that. I'll keep you guys updated. I really do appreciate the advice. I'm confident in who I am and I know that once she sees me for me, she wont be able to resist :p

You dont know what shes feeling. 3 dates steal the kiss otherwise ....
 
Woah woah woah haha.
[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION]: Yes, I've been burned many times in the past (haven't we all), and so I tend to be much more cautious about dating these days. But I agree, I should be more confident and willing to jump, and if I get hurt, so what, learn what I can and move on. Its a much more healthy attitude for sure, its just harder in practice :p I'll get there.

Also for the record, I don't play video games. It was just something she had mentioned before and I figured it would be a fun reason to get her over to spend some time with me, and we could go from there. Also, of course I'm over thinking this. Its what I do :(

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]: Its been 3 dates. Opportunity hasn't quite presented itself, and a good part of that is my fault. But I don't want to "steal a kiss" from her if shes not feeling it. That will do more damage than good.

[MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]: Yeah, I agree. I do need to be more assertive. Seems she won't initiate anything, and that's fine. I really don't mind taking the lead, but the lack of initiation with MOST other types of people can mean lack of interest.

Anyways, here's the game plan. Her roommate wants to do a little canyon cruise with us Sunday, so the girl I'm interested in (we'll call her River for anonymity sake) will most likely ride with me. This is good because I feel like the biggest thing is we need to truly get to know each other. I feel like I am more willing to start a relationship once I decide I like someone, but it sounds like she really needs to know the person well before she gets any kind of serious. So quality time!

Then, on the drive I can see when she is available for next week. The thing is, I know this awesome hike, but its a good 40 minute drive and at the end there is a really neat hot spring. BUT this requires bathing suits and stuff, so I'll have to see how comfortable she is with the idea. But it would be ideal because it would be a lot of time just us, which is what I feel like we need to progress the relationship.

ANYWAYS, yeah, I think too much. No doubt about that. I'll keep you guys updated. I really do appreciate the advice. I'm confident in who I am and I know that once she sees me for me, she wont be able to resist :p

Lol whatever man, were you gonna take the advice or continue on the road to failure? You remind me of the stereo typical nice guy from Reddit.