Pretended to be the opposite gender online | INFJ Forum

Pretended to be the opposite gender online

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Caelum

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Jun 12, 2012
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Fellow INFJ's I need some guidance and opinions.

So a few years ago, I started playing an online game and came up with an idea to pretend to be a girl (I'm a guy) as a funny social experiment. Well, long story short, I was so intrigued by it that my false online identity lasted for nearly 2 years. It was all fun and games until someone started falling for this false character I've created. I poked flirtations at him and I appeared receptive to his advances, and this is where I realized I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. (Disclaimer: I'm completely straight) He spent nearly 2 years of emotion on my false identity, but NOT to the point where it became an online/long distance relationship. Eventually, I disappeared from this character, hoping to leave it all behind and maybe he'd forget, but I felt a nag. A nag to reveal the truth, as I felt it was the righteous thing to do. So I re-joined the online game, but this time as my true self and I befriended him to support him mentally and emotionally, and to eventually reveal the truth.

Now winding forward to the present, I had just revealed the truth to him on Skype message. He's shattered by it, unsurprisingly, and doesn't know what to feel or do about it all. I offered to continue to offer him moral support, and he says he doesn't wish for me to talk to him, but at the same time he doesn't want me to cut off contact, saying I'm a coward if I do. He has had me (the real me) added on a couple social media outlets, but I have since blocked and removed him from them out of fear he could retaliate in an extreme way. Skype is our only form of communication at the moment.

I'm simultaneously relieved that I finally told the truth, but still guilt stricken with sadness and regret, and I'm also a little paranoid he could do something to harm himself, or me.

Should I just let the ties cutoff completely just to be safe among other things, or am I still in karmic debt and that I should continue to be open for him in case he forgives me and accepts my offer of support?

Bonus question: What would YOU do if you hopelessly invested a lot of emotion on someone for two years only to find out they never existed, and were the same gender.

Also, he tested as INFP(during one year) and ISTJ the next year when he took one of the MBTI tests, if any of this helps. (I feel he's more INFP)
 
He probably needs support, but clearly you cannot be the person he would ever want it from.

It's most likely just a bunch of emotional rage that won't manifest into anything legitimate on his side or be enough for him to want to hurt you back in any serious way, so I would say that anything you do will be of little consequence in terms of your personal protection.

I would say that you should cut yourself off from him completely to allow him to stop thinking he could ever have a chance of your persona being real for him again.

Don't leave any shreds of fantasy for him to have to think about. IMO that is the kindest thing you could do for him.
 
What you did was really sociopathic in my opinion. I was on the fence about saying this until I got to the part where you stated that you re-entered this poor guy's sphere in a new persona that was really your true persona "to support him mentally, emotionally and to eventually reveal the truth." Honestly, it sounds like you were getting a high off the damage you caused and were returning to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to enjoy the distress you caused. And yes, leave him alone now that you've screwed with his head for 2 years. What I would do if I found myself deceived by someone for 2 years online is cut ties, and try to make sure this bizarre fraudster could not find me or harm me in my offline life.
 
PintoBean said:
What you did was really sociopathic in my opinion. I was on the fence about saying this until I got to the part where you stated that you re-entered this poor guy's sphere in a new persona that was really your true persona "to support him mentally, emotionally and to eventually reveal the truth." Honestly, it sounds like you were getting a high off the damage you caused and were returning to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to enjoy the distress you caused. And yes, leave him alone now that you've screwed with his head for 2 years. What I would do if I found myself deceived by someone for 2 years online is cut ties, and try to make sure this bizarre fraudster could not find me or harm me in my offline life.
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It wasn't cool of him to have done it but clearly he's already aware of that. There is really no further need to be righteous towards OP about it, in my opinion anyway.
 
niffer said:
It wasn't cool of him to have done it but clearly he's already aware of that. There is really no need to be righteous towards OP about it, in my opinion anyway.
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I hear you Niffer. I wasn't trying to be righteous. The OP's description of his actions genuinely disturbed me and I responded accordingly, not with the intent to be self-righteous.
 
PintoBean said:
I hear you Niffer. I wasn't trying to be righteous. The OP's description of his actions genuinely disturbed me and I responded accordingly, not with the intent to be self-righteous.
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As I am sure OP did not have the intention of creating such a predicament where a person would be in pain.

Intentions are great. But the outcome is everything.

I think you can see that.
 
:jaw: Goodness, what a sticky situation.

First off, you need to do some soul searching of your own and ask yourself: Is this friendship worth investing in? Do I really want the friendship to continue or am I just feeling guilty? If the answer is yes to either or both of those, it's time for some damage control. He also needs to decide whether or not there is a friendship to salvage out of this. If yes, then you both need to openly communicate about this... when you both are ready to lay it all out on the table.

I would approach this delicately and give him some time to process it. It's more than likely very confusing for him. Be there for support if he needs you to be, but have your shield ready. This kind of deception can leave a person very traumatized and unable to trust you again. He obviously still wants you to be there, even if he isn't talking. You hurt him, he's going to pull away. It's a natural tendency of an introvert. He may lash out at first, as a way to "show" you how much hurt him, but this is unlikely. If he was going to go that route, he would have done so already. Sometimes these experiences can even bring friendships closer together.

Thankfully it didn't develop into a relationship, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful for him. Don't tuck tail and run if he does need you. You'll regret that even more in the long run.

I wish you both the strength to see this through :)
 
niffer said:
As I am sure OP did not have the intention of creating such a predicament where a person would be in pain.

Intentions are great. But the outcome is everything.

I think you can see that.
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No, I can't imagine what the OP was thinking. A week, okay, but 2 years? By letting it go on so long how did the OP think it could be anything but highly distressing to the person he was deceiving?
 
PintoBean said:
No, I can't imagine what the OP was thinking. A week, okay, but 2 years? By letting it go on so long how did the OP think it could be anything but highly distressing to the person he was deceiving?
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Sure. My point is that the fact stands that it is counterproductive to judge a person who has come here looking for advice on bettering a situation. It's like going into a prison and telling the prisoners about how bad they are. Knowledge is great but they are already there, and it seems like it would only compound upon an atmosphere of non-empathy.

also it is super ironic in light of this situation to be judgmental towards a person over the internet
 
We're all guilty of something in our lives. Not one of us is perfect. Some lies can last a lifetime. Be thankful the weight of the truth is off your shoulders. Holding something negative in for too long can threaten to become a part of you and change you forever.

The important thing is to take the knowledge and lessons learned from this and apply them to your life in a positive way. We are not here to judge your past actions, only to help as you decide your future course.
 
niffer said:
Sure. My point is that the fact stands that it is counterproductive to judge a person who has come here looking for advice on bettering a situation. It's like going into a prison and telling the prisoners about how bad they are. Knowledge is great but they are already there, and it seems like it would only compound upon an atmosphere of non-empathy.

also it is super ironic in light of this situation to be judgmental towards a person over the internet
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How is anything I wrote ironic just because the internet happens to be the forum we are interacting within?
 
I think the best for him would be to work it out without you. I would probably cut contact, but give him an email address or the like if he ever want to talk it out with you again. I think he needs to have control over the situation, and I think you owe him that.

It is quite the situation you've gotten yourself into. I hope you can work it out, both of you.
 
you couldnt even live with your own mistakes, you just had to disrupt this persons life again to unburden your guilt. everything you have done so far is cowardly, so why not follow through and allow him to loathe you for it? what you wrote is so weird, leave the guy in peace and get a new hobby fast.
 
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Thanks, PintoBean, for saving me the time and effort of responding to that post in the exact same way. Also, if there was truly any shame or remorse there, he wouldn't be presenting his "funny social experiment" online. And anyone is more than welcome to accuse me of being "righteous," if they wish. I can live with a verdict like that.
 
PintoBean said:
How is anything I wrote ironic just because the internet happens to be the forum we are interacting within?
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Right. What I find ironic is the OP suggesting that it may be the other guy who is emotionally unstable.

[MENTION=5619]Caelum[/MENTION]
Apologize and move on.
 
Interesting story :)

This would be one of the few things I would shut up about. I'm someone who has a huge urge to tell the truth, but this only made it worse for him.
If I invest emotion in someone and they disappear. I'll mourn the wasted emotion and try to move on. The last thing I would want to know is that I invested it in a guy who did some social experiment on me. You could maybe tell him 10 years later when he's happy with his future wife and laugh about it, but this was way too soon.

For the rest I agree with Niffer:
niffer said:
He probably needs support, but clearly you cannot be the person he would ever want it from.

It's most likely just a bunch of emotional rage that won't manifest into anything legitimate on his side or be enough for him to want to hurt you back in any serious way, so I would say that anything you do will be of little consequence in terms of your personal protection.

I would say that you should cut yourself off from him completely to allow him to stop thinking he could ever have a chance of your persona being real for him again.

Don't leave any shreds of fantasy for him to have to think about. IMO that is the kindest thing you could do for him.
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Free2be said:
:focus:
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That's is cruel crime, and a lil gay too if i may add....

Which's why I'm always suspicious of gender and age regardless what people identify themselves as, both here, and anywhere else where animosity is an element..:D Guess that's the norm.
 
Thanks for those who were able to see this in multiple perspectives and understanding. I will go ahead and agree that it's best we go our separate ways.

The more I think about it, I probably do have a deep rooted cross/transgender tendency. But that's something I'll have to think more about.
 
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