Post Dating Friendship | INFJ Forum

Post Dating Friendship

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Eh18, May 19, 2009.

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  1. Eh18

    Eh18 Newbie

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    #1 Eh18, May 19, 2009
    Last edited: May 22, 2009
  2. Bored Now

    On Holiday

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    Hmm. I usually try to stay friends with my Exes. I don't like to end relationships badly. Its fun when you're single because there's always that option of "Hmm should I go there again, I'm bored and lonely"

    The thing is, once you start dating other people, the friendship gets weird. For both parties. Things get kind of blurry and then the friendship dies a natural sort of death.

    I don't know if it can work if one of you has romantic feelings and the other doesn't. It's not fair to either of you. You're just hurting each other.
     
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  3. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    I have. But it requires not just accepting that you won't get back together, it requires you actually let go of whatever feelings you still harbour for her or it won't work. Of course, you could try to hide it, but you're an INFJ so can you really interact with her without your feelings shining through?

    Either way, it is possible but it is hard work.
     
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  4. OP
    Eh18

    Eh18 Newbie

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    #4 Eh18, May 19, 2009
    Last edited: May 22, 2009
  5. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    damn thats not good.lol


    I can sympathize. I wish I had something helpful to say.
     
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    #5 Blind Bandit, May 19, 2009
    Last edited: May 19, 2009
  6. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    I don't really know, unfortunately. The time it worked for me was when I broke it off due to resentment that had mounted over a period of two years. The thing is that you (IMHO) do need to do it for this venture to be successful. After all, if you're giving her those kind of vibes it might feel to her like she's basically going through the breakup over and over again, and that's really stressful.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh and not very comforting, but I think - from my minimal understanding of your situation - that's where the arguments are coming from. Of course, I could be wrong, YMMV.
     
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  7. WickedPod

    WickedPod Community Member

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    I could quite possibly be that you need to take a break from each other. I don't mean a couple of weeks. I mean like a full year. Seeing her and being in her presence is not doing you any favors while you try to let go of your romantic feelings for her. When you spend more time with yourself or other people, you tend to be able get a realistic perspective on her as a whole. You're in love with her, so you tend to do what we all do which is focus on the things you love so much about her. When you let go for a little while, you will be able to see why the relationship didn't work out. I think you'll be able to find peace with it like that. Then, you can go back to being friends, if that is what you want to do at that point.

    I hope that helps.
     
  8. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    There's no way in hell I could ever be friends with my exes. Not that it was all out war when we broke up, but I'm an all or nothing kinda girl... and especially having been intimate with them, would kill me inside not to be able to be with them. For me, being friends after words would be like "half-getting-over-it." It'd be torture. I don't know how you people do it.
     
  9. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    I'm still friends with an ex of mine, but it also took us 4 years to get this way. We didn't have contact for 2 years and as of recently (past few months) we've rekindled our friendship (but NOT the relationship). I enjoy it because I realized I missed the friend I had more than the girlfriend I had. It's a tough road but it's definitely possible. But I agree with who ever said to try to (for lack of better word) avoid her for at least a year. Give your emotions some time to heal.
     
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  10. slant

    slant amour-propre
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    I have no Ex's haha, but one thing I will say is that pretty much any relationship is 'odd' after you've asked someone out and they've blatanly refused. Especially if they used the lame excuse that they thought it would ruin the friendship, when you were never interested in a friendship in the first place. So I'd say that once you date someone and it doesn't work out

    1. either get back together with them
    2. if they are in another relationship or married, have an affair with them
    3. find someone else to hit on
     
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  11. CoffeeShopDiva

    CoffeeShopDiva Community Member

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    What she said :p I'm not friends with any of my exs. I have purposely cut them out of my life, and I feel MUCH better in doing so.
     
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  12. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Hark! I'd heed these words.
    Especially choice number 3.
     
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  13. Bored Now

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    Ha! I totally wanted to suggest some rebound boo, but it seemed insensitive somehow.
     
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  14. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    There's an entire world full of people out there who could be falling all over themselves for you and visa versa. Why waste your emotions and time on someone so fickle? There's just so much opportunity for freedom and experience and beauty in life, and we chain ourselves to one thing and mope around about it.

    Hit on other people! Or hit on no one and focus on enjoying life.
     
  15. CoffeeShopDiva

    CoffeeShopDiva Community Member

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    I second this. Sometimes rebound sex is exactly what you need to kick yourself into restarting your life.
     
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  16. Creon

    Creon Community Member

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    Staying friends with an ex? No way.
    My question is: why?
    If I made a grave mistake in a relationship and that mistake was the cause of the break up, then I will apologise and disappear, since my actions are probably damaging the girl. If we remained friends in that case, a similar mistake would certainly produce less amounts of pain, but it would still be painful.

    And if it was certain that I would never do that mistake again, then I wouldn't allow the relationship to end. But If the girl didn't want to forgive me and was angry, it's not as if I could remain friends with her anyway, is it? So it's a break up and no friendship after all.

    If we simply cannot communicate, or don't understand each other, or don't like each other anymore, then why continue being friends? It's not like our personalities would change just because our relationship would turn from lovers to friends. We would be the same people. And when I break up with someone because I don't like her anymore, it's because I don't like her as a human, not as a lover.

    My rule is never allow insignificant things destroy a relationship, and do whatever it takes to keep it alive. But once it ends, better to never see that person again. Better to break up with dignity, and avoid any further interaction, so that both of us can continue on with our lives (and sex lives).
     
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    #16 Creon, May 19, 2009
    Last edited: May 19, 2009
  17. Hotherym

    Hotherym Community Member

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    I wish I could give you some sort of advice or comfort, but alas, your situation sounds nearly identical to mine.

    It's heart-crushing to lose anyone that way. I'm extremely loyal myself, as a friend, as a mate, and having to lose the one guy, the only guy, I felt was deeply my 'soul mate,' has been more painful than both of my parents' deaths combined, and even all the other family losses I've had in the past decade.

    I don't know why the friend thing doesn't work out, but most people don't seem suited for it, almost as if it's physically, biologically impossible. Some people can, but they're rare and usually the odd ones out in a lot of categories. It really rather horrifies me, to be honest.
     
  18. OP
    Eh18

    Eh18 Newbie

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    #18 Eh18, May 20, 2009
    Last edited: May 22, 2009
  19. lostintranslation

    lostintranslation Community Member

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    I went through/am going through something like that but no hearts were broken. It is excruciatingly painful trying to get over someone you want in your life so badly :(, and remaining friends seems like one step in making it work out but you can't ignore your feelings for her. If conversations end up in arguments, save yourself the additional pain of going through all that; would you rather have good memories of it all or be reminded of something that you regret?
    It will hurt either way, but sometimes there's only so much you can do to fix things, and realizing that is without a doubt the most painful depressing thing ever, because deep down inside yourself you don't want to let go of someone who means the world to you.
     
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  20. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I don't see how you can stay friends with an Ex. I thought I would stay friends with my last ex; I really wanted to. She hates me and is never speaking to me again.
     
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