[INFP] Please find my inner self!

[RyuTech]

I want to take a maybe weird approach to finding out who i am and where i belong.

I will give you all a promise that i will answer any question truthfully and honest which will be posted here no matter how deep or uncomfortable it might get. I will struggle at some points im sure of it so i might need some confirmation too to keep me on track.

This is me asking this forum to help me confront myself and i know you are all incredible readers able to sense what i think or feel once you get to know me.

Please give it a shot and start asking and never feel bad about questions that might hurt because they will help me see through my problems! Every Topic is fine be it relationship, romance, sexuality, feelings also objective stuff like work and financial stuff which i struggle with.

Thank you in Advance!

 

[Wyote]

Why?

 

[RyuTech]

Why?

Nice shot i didnt expect that one to be the first

Beeing honest im struggling with myself i feel unsettled and unsure about what i should do to get hold of my life again. I keep fighting myself with thoughts theories and impressions and it keeps piling up. My whole Mindset is split in many different pieces opposing each other and im unable to organize this mess. Just point out 2 opposing adjectives and they will be true in my head thats how severe it feels.. I want to know where i belong and what i need to do to get there. I want to build a base thats supporting me in everything that lies ahead. Im just floating right now .

Im a thick pool of emotions and thoughts so deep you could drown inside.

 

[Wyote]

How old are you?
When was the last time you remember a sense of belonging?
What do you feel is wrong with having an understanding and empathy toward opposing sides?
Do you find it uncomfortable to be in a state of grey?
How might you cope with having to be "floating" forever?

 

[RyuTech]

How old are you?

28

When was the last time you remember a sense of belonging?

The last time i was sure about that was when i was with my exgirlfriend about 2 years into it which is 5 years ago. Since then i float around thinking id belong somewhere just to walk away again rejecting it finding myself somewhere else for another short amount of time unable to settle.

What do you feel is wrong with having an understanding and empathy toward opposing sides?

I don't see anything wrong with beeing able to see all sides with empathy and tolerance. Its the other way around i think its an awesome trait to be able to do that. The Problem i see though is that i struggle with my own opinion and Values as i see them mixed and fluidlike rushing through as in watching surrealistic art. Where am i in all that mess?

Do you find it uncomfortable to be in a state of grey?

As i am alone with noone continously commiting in supporting me and acknowledge what i am and how i act it feels incredibly disturbing and empty. Theres no confidence in anything i do i just seem to myself as someone acting with masks to show people what they want to see.

How might you cope with having to be "floating" forever?

I'd probably be better with someone floating with me helping me to sort things out and beeing happy about who i am. If i have to float all my life alone i will loose myself even more and eventually just break. I know how i am like when i break.. its just empty and dead with no emotions at all.. Nothing you dream of.. Nothing you like.. Nothing you enjoy.. This Forum actually helped me getting my emotions back but im overwhelmed by them. I dont want to loose them again even if i have to change again and start organizing. I dont want to break down.

 

[Wyote]

Do you have family? Friends? Is having a life partner integral for you to have happiness and personal self worth?

 

[RyuTech]

Do you have family? Friends? Is having a life partner integral for you to have happiness and personal self worth?

I have family but i struggle with them. They keep becoming depressive as they watch me not knowing how to approach me and instead of understanding my issues they keep pressuring me with objective things i dont do well with (work finances etc)

I have to admit that i dont have many friends anymore.. actually none. Its not like theres noone i am with in my free time there are people sharing interests and hobbys but i keep my distance to them since they are more objective than me making me feel uncomfortable if i would start digging, i trust my intuition there wether im compatible or not. (mostly estps and similar stuff).

A Life Partner is everything to me. If i look back to my last relationship you could say i am obsessed with strong connections and emotions. I prefer a deep relationship where you can have long conversations even about small things. Ive never had more energy than when i was happy belonging to her. I am unable to look at myself with a smile without the acknowledgement of others. In my point of view i wouldnt be anyone if not for others watching me.

 

[invisible]

I don't think asking questions about those kinds of things is the best way to find out who you are or where you belong, I think it's better to ask what interests you have that you care about most in life. (Just my opinion.)

 

[Wyote]

In my point of view i wouldnt be anyone if not for others watching me.

Your online life has effed you up man. Go meditate with some trees.

 

[RyuTech]

what interests you have that you care about most in life.

I care most about other people surrounding me understanding how they feel and what they need. What their inner reasons are and how they got where they are today. I love creating an environment people are happy to be in and feel comfortable. I want people to realize their good sides and cherish them to be something beautiful and valuable. Feelings of others directly influence how i feel myself. The more depressive my surroundings the more depressive i get myself. The more fake somones happyness the more sad i become. Thats the dark side of beeing able to see all sides though.. you always find something negative and sad in everything.

Objective things are not able to keep me happy they are merely an excuse to spend time someway and distract me sometimes. I wrote down a poem i think 10 years ago in which i asked myself over and over "What do i wish for?" the poem ended with the sentence "Everything you wish for." Thats still accurate 10 years later.

 

[Wyote]

Also @invisible is right, you won't get much of anywhere by just putting yourself on a pyre. You need to just pursue what motivates and inspires you. Figuring that out and the path to go on for it will help you sort the rest out.

 

[RyuTech]

Also @invisible is right, you won't get much of anywhere by just putting yourself on a pyre. You need to just pursue what motivates and inspires you. Figuring that out and the path to go on for it will help you sort the rest out.

I enjoy this thread! And its already helping me a bunch. I want to continue and have lots of people ask questions to learn and grow. I disagree with it beeing a bad idea it helps me reflecting (just like that meditation would do too!) And on top of it im surrounded by people in here thats what i enjoy and want to have. Everything thats written in here will help me grow and find a way out im sure of it. I intend to pursue my beliefs no question but this is where i start. Is that wrong?

 

[Wyote]

Is that wrong?

It smells of attention seeking which goes back to my pervious point, but if this is some sort of starting point for you, I'm not about to blockade your journey. Your circumstance is unique to you and only you can travel the road to betterment.

 

[RyuTech]

It smells of attention seeking

I cannot deny i long for attention and confirmation! I do not see that as a bad thing though. Asking for it is in most cases a cry for help which is often misinterpreted in egoism or similar negative values. Whats bad with something that makes you feel good? Its all a matter of point of view. It gives me energy and im grateful for that and im open with it so people understand and wont be offended (i would not want that). Thank you for all your thoughts and questions so far I would be glad to get more.

 

[invisible]

I care most about other people surrounding me understanding how they feel and what they need. What their inner reasons are and how they got where they are today. I love creating an environment people are happy to be in and feel comfortable. I want people to realize their good sides and cherish them to be something beautiful and valuable.

I think this sounds good. Are you looking a career or some way to express these parts of yourself? Maybe as a counsellor or careers advisor. Or maybe something more like an architect creating spaces for people to inhabit.

 

[RyuTech]

I think this sounds good. Are you looking a career or some way to express these parts of yourself? Maybe as a counsellor or careers advisor. Or maybe something more like an architect creating spaces for people to inhabit.

I always wanted to be able to give people a chance to express themselves and their values by working in a personnel dapartement of any sort. Sadly due to my bad grades in school after my burnout right at the end i never got the qualification to get anywhere so i became a salesman because im good with determining customers interests. Since my ex broke up with me and i fell into a numb state of emptiness i lost my work due to pressure and dont have any right now.

 

[Soulfire]

I read maybe half of the posts..im still waking up.

I could write an entire book about finding who our true selves are.

It starts when you forgive and accept the past and close that book to write yourself a new one.

Also, live for yourself. The world is infinite with possibilities and beauty. Once you figure out how to enjoy life and appreciate it alone, things will seem to start falling into place.

Be true to yourself and keep developping your individual self. Immerge yourself in your passions.

But especially, do not rely on someone to be everything for you. Happiness is a combination of things. Spiritual balance starts with you and yourself. Do not ever let anyone become your sole reason for existence. Love yourself and enjoy life. Love will compliment your life once you've figured it all out.

This can take days, weeks, months and even years...

It takes patience and a lot of work.

But...trust me...it's worth it xo

 

[RyuTech]

I read maybe half of the posts..im still waking up.

Shame on you

It starts when you forgive and accept the past and close that book to write yourself a new one.

Ive done that multiple times in my life. And im trying to right now which is why i want to find myself to start anew.

Also, live for yourself. The world is infinite with possibilities and beauty. Once you figure out how to enjoy life and appreciate it alone, things will seem to start falling into place.
Be true to yourself and keep developping your individual self. Immerge yourself in your passions.

Thats a hard one! My most values are about other people and i value myself probably the least out of all things. Ive been told to focus on myself really often and never really managed to do that for long. I know who i can be but i see myself unstable and unreliable right now as i tend to leave everything behind thats pressuring me. I am working on it though! I have my strong points and i know them and hopefully will use them once ive replenished enough energy to go on and cleared some fog.

But especially, do not rely on someone to be everything for you. Happiness is a combination of things. Spiritual balance starts with you and yourself. Do not ever let anyone become your sole reason for existence. Love yourself and enjoy life. Love will compliment your life once you've figured it all out.

I dont rely on people too much. In the end im the one who works hard to be reliable to others. I appreciate and stick to anything i get from others though to keep me on track. My Spiritual Balance is a Problem because its jumping from black to white and back to black. All the Opposing Thoughts and Emotions keep struggling and i cant calm down. About letting someone be my reason is something i work on. I try to find a point where i leave myself enough room to reenergyze but to not limit my love to someone in a way id feel discomfort with. Its like walking on a thin line.

 

[invisible]

I always wanted to be able to give people a chance to express themselves and their values by working in a personnel dapartement of any sort. Sadly due to my bad grades in school after my burnout right at the end i never got the qualification to get anywhere so i became a salesman because im good with determining customers interests. Since my ex broke up with me and i fell into a numb state of emptiness i lost my work due to pressure and dont have any right now.

Sounds like you are under a lot of pressure but hopefully this can be a new start for you too.

I've got two degrees, but it wasn't easy to get them. The key with getting a qualification is to just keep going back and working to get it until you do. Maybe you'll decide to go back to school, or maybe you won't, but just thought I'd mention this anyway.

 

[Soulfire]

I didnt mean that you should disregard other people but live for yourself. Do what makes *you* ultimately happy. If helping people is what you love to do, then perhaps volunteering somewhere could be good for your soul.

If you are doing all of this then you are definitely on the right path IMO