Planning, Expectations, Disappointment

[Arsal]

I have a terrible habit.

It's instinctive, and I've been this way for as long as I can remember, but I just truly ruminated on how often I've been disappointed because of this method of operation.

Every time something happens in my life which opens doors for new possibilities, I instinctively plan several years into the future.

Here's an example:

> 1 new message
> random person messages me
> "Hey, this person is exactly like me, we're truly alike in every aspect."
> responds
> "I guess eventually we'll make great friends."
> "possibly fall in love in future and we'll laugh at all the other people who are shallow and judge others based on their appearance rather than things such as personality, wit, intelligence, etc."
> "We'd spend time chatting on yahoo all day."
> "We'd meet and it would be cool, because we wouldn't expect anything of each other - totally normal hang out."
> "I'd think about how previously I thought I'd never find my soul-mate, but then I'd laugh and be glad."
> "Life is perfect."
> wait for three days
> No New Messages

I do this on a regular basis.

I'm wondering if anyone relates to this.

 

[not sure]

I have a terrible habit.

It's instinctive, and I've been this way for as long as I can remember, but I just truly ruminated on how often I've been disappointed because of this method of operation.

Every time something happens in my life which opens doors for new possibilities, I instinctively plan several years into the future.

Here's an example:
I do this on a regular basis.

I'm wondering if anyone relates to this.

I think many people including myself spin great fantasies about a great many things. In this particular, case the solution is simple. Turn off the computer. The problem will disappear as quickly as the photons.

However, the alternative view to which I subscribe is to live in the fantasy. Nothing in real life compares in ability to please and everything in real life will eventually boil down to a monetary cost. So fantasize and save. Imagine worlds where what you do brings positive benefit without any wasted energy or reversal; where ideals, virtue and hope spring eternal and where people are worth the air they breathe. Reality sucks and mere human beings who have no imagination are welcome to have it as their punishment. The problem with your fantasies, Arsal, is not that you have them but that you allow reality to intrude.

 

[juju817]

I do the same thing but sometimes you strike gold and find a women who has the same tendency. That's big "but" though.

 

[Bird]

I have a terrible habit.

It's instinctive, and I've been this way for as long as I can remember, but I just truly ruminated on how often I've been disappointed because of this method of operation.

Every time something happens in my life which opens doors for new possibilities, I instinctively plan several years into the future.

Here's an example:
I do this on a regular basis.

I'm wondering if anyone relates to this.

I don't plan like that, but I often tell my coworkers that I wish
we had our schedules six months in advanced so that I could
properly schedule. I watched an interview with Katy Perry once
and in it she mentioned that she never went to the dentist
when she was younger because she was too poor and she knows
her schedule for the entire year.
I became insanely envious.

Romantically, I try to be safe. I try not to plan ahead. I just try
and go with it. Planning ahead for romantic relationships I learned
does not work out three years ago and is something that I am
not likely to be forgetting.

Usually when I receive a PM the first thing that goes through my mind,
"are they going to be upset when I don't respond?", not "omg, we're
gonna have babies together in four years if everything turns out *perfect*.

I have this theory though, Ars, that is relevant. I think that nearly everyone
is compatible with anyone. You both just have to be in the same mindset
and have the same/similar wants at the same time. Especially in the
beginning of the relationship until history has been made with the other.


I have daydreams of the future and how it will be and I think and plan things
like how someone and I will spend our time together and what our garden
will look like and if our curtains will look nice with both the siding of the house
and the walls and what "our" space would look like and how dinner would be
made, etc... etc... But I do not allow myself to get carried away and if I
have thoughts like this I start to become very scared that I am investing too much.
I don't allow myself to plan or think like this because I do not like being hurt.
Eventually this ends up ruining the relationship because they have invested more
than I have and I can't bring it from within myself to invest fully in return.


This is probably a good sign I have some commitment issues I need to work through.

 

[lenina]

i think very much like you @Arsal but i wish i thought more like @Bird. even since i joined this forum a few days ago i have felt like i have finally found someone i can grow old with on more than one occasion i get carried away for sure. i agree with bird that most everyone is compatible. over time and shared history soul mates are made, it is never easy, much must be invested and risks must be taken. i believe part of the reason i get carried away is that fantasies are instant gratification, a whole happy life lived with an imaginary person with no hurt. while i am having these fantasies though i dont think they are instant gratification, rather i convince myself that they are just a sign of hope. convinced that my habit is a strength (the ability to hope) and not a weakness (the inability to stop living in a dream world every chance i get), i continue to fantasize. someday i will be able to look at my future as a story unfolding rather than one that has already happened. There was even a time when I was so happy and so in love that I actually thought all my fantasies that I have ever had about anyone never lived up to what I was experiencing with this person, that also taught me the futility of getting carried away.

 

[Bird]

i think very much like you [MENTION=3538]Arsal[/MENTION] but i wish i thought more like [MENTION=2926]Bird[/MENTION]. even since i joined this forum a few days ago i have felt like i have finally found someone i can grow old with on more than one occasion i get carried away for sure. i agree with bird that most everyone is compatible. over time and shared history soul mates are made, it is never easy, much must be invested and risks must be taken. i believe part of the reason i get carried away is that fantasies are instant gratification, a whole happy life lived with an imaginary person with no hurt. while i am having these fantasies though i dont think they are instant gratification, rather i convince myself that they are just a sign of hope. convinced that my habit is a strength (the ability to hope) and not a weaknesses (the inability to stop living in a dream world every chance i get), i continue to fantasize. someday i will be able to look at my past as a story unfolding, rather than my future.

Instant gratification is a concept I never thought to apply here.
But now that you've pointed it out I can see the reasoning very
well and agree with you. They are instant gratification and it's
also something positive to focus upon. I think most of us here
live in the future. We've evolved with the mindset that the unknown
is scary though we are slowly emerging from this. Daydreaming
and fantasizing like this gives structure to the unknown in a positive
way. Relieving fear and also creating a sense of comfort for one
to ruminate in and feel safe.

I have had difficulty with interpersonal relationships in the past,
relationships are more scary than comforting. I think of people
completely abandoning me, I think of the good and happy times
and then the next step in my mind seems to be being completely
abandoned. Not even left alone but abandoned.
For me, the instant gratification is missing. The instant gratification
is mindless fear of unstability after having relied on someone and
the sense of stability that they gave.

 

[Diana]

I totally do that. Disapointment and I are good friends now.

 

[gps]

Planning, Expectations, Disappointment ...

Bingo!
Hopes and expectations have promoted disappointment for me.
Planning can sometimes demote disappointment, especially if/when contingency plans are in place which allow me options when main plans fall through, fail, or simply fail to produce the hoped-for results.

Expectations have been the most influential source of disappointment for me over the course of my life.

If one can figure how to get what one needs, wants, hopes, desires without setting up expectations which produce disappointment when not met or fulfilled that would really be something.