Perfectionism in relationships | INFJ Forum

Perfectionism in relationships

Oh yes. Perfectionism in relationships is something I once struggled with greatly. For myself, but namely the other party, it was a source of oppressiveness and pettiness when I was in my late teens (18/19), and caused tsunami waves in the relationships over what were little waves beforehand. In hindsight I am quite embarrassed at how I once behaved - but then again they were also immature in many ways. Of course an aim for betterment and to address issues without letting them fester is necessary, but that fascist-like perfectionism which holds those in the relationship (romantic, platonic, familial) to a saintly standard in which expectations are impossibly high, and where dependency issues are often accompanied, has by no means been anything but a nuisance. It really is a kill-joy and can guilt-trip the other party, and take away from personal freedom for each to have some form of independence without the need to be hand-in-hand or watched like a hawk.

Nowadays, through mistakes, realising truly and really that no one's perfect, and through self-knowledge of my own weaknesses and capacity for selfishness etc., I've learnt to place no expectations on others and to adopt the following moto: "Compromise in all things that don't matter, for the sake of the things which do matter." How much more enjoyable and freeing my relationships have been ever since! Not that I've worked it all out, but still, things are better now that I've dropped the perfectionism in regards to others, and have realigned it to be a perfectionism that seeks to let others be free and to simply love as the best I can - yet it's not a rigid perfectionism so that I do not beat myself up over characteristically human mistakes. So I guess just as perfectionism can be a nightmare in relationships, it can be really good, provided it's not of the oppressive kind.
 
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Night Owl said:
Oh yes. Perfectionism in relationships is something I once struggled with greatly. For myself, but namely the other party, it was a source of oppressiveness and pettiness when I was in my late teens (18/19), and caused tsunami waves in the relationships over what were little waves beforehand. In hindsight I am quite embarrassed at how I once behaved - but then again they were also immature in many ways. Of course an aim for betterment and to address issues without letting them fester is necessary, but that fascist-like perfectionism which holds those in the relationship (romantic, platonic, familial) to a saintly standard in which expectations are impossibly high, and where dependency issues are often accompanied, has by no means been anything but a nuisance. It really is a kill-joy and can guilt-trip the other party, and take away from personal freedom for each to have some form of independence without the need to be hand-in-hand or watched like a hawk.

Nowadays, through mistakes, realising truly and really that no one's perfect, and through self-knowledge of my own weaknesses and capacity for selfishness etc., I've learnt to place no expectations on others and to adopt the following moto: "Compromise in all things that don't matter, for the sake of the things which do matter." How much more enjoyable and freeing my relationships have been ever since! Not that I've worked it all out, but still, things are better now that I've dropped the perfectionism in regards to others, and have realigned it to be a perfectionism that seeks to let others be free and to simply love as the best I can - yet it's not a rigid perfectionism so that I do not beat myself up over characteristically human mistakes. So I guess just as perfectionism can be a nightmare in relationships, it can be really good, provided it's not of the oppressive kind.
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If you are really only 23, then you are wise beyond your years. I hope you continue to work on yourself....I am too and I am 10 years older than you. You'd be surprised how many men out there are over 40 and have not learned these lessons.
 
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I'm selective with my perfectionism. I don't apply it to people or relationships.
(For example, I am a perfectionist about my work, and it is bad for my work because it cripples me.)
 
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Night Owl said:
"Compromise in all things that don't matter, for the sake of the things which do matter."
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How very sensible.

I think people miss out on a lot when they strive for perfection - perfection being their ideal. I let go of a few of my expectations recently and I realised I've been choosing the wrong men all along. That's why nothing has worked out. My idea of perfection equalled incompatibility!

I also realised that the INFJ I was dating was searching for perfection, and I wasn't it. Good luck to him - he'll need it!

Imperfections can be quite endearing :)
 
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Pyrrhula said:
How very sensible.

I think people miss out on a lot when they strive for perfection - perfection being their ideal. I let go of a few of my expectations recently and I realised I've been choosing the wrong men all along. That's why nothing has worked out. My idea of perfection equalled incompatibility!

I also realised that the INFJ I was dating was searching for perfection, and I wasn't it. Good luck to him - he'll need it!

Imperfections can be quite endearing :)
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Sometimes I wonder if these people who search for perfection have in fact an avoidant attachment style. I mean, if no one measures up that means that I get to avoid the pain of having to be vulnerable with someone. I find that it is when people (especially men but also some women) are asked to deliver that they run for the hills. If one runs when I open up about my past and my current problems, the likelihood is high that he is avoidant. I mean, my problems are not such that they would impact his life greatly (I had a somewhat difficult childhood, mom has cancer); if I had a major health problem or a mental illness it may have been a deal breaker but I think most of us who have attracted avoidant partners are normal people.

The question is: do these avoidants ever wake up? Even if they do end up getting married and having families, do they stay with their partners? Or are these mostly the Peter Pans and immature people who remain single for life only because they fear vulnerability and are thus looking for the perfect partner?
 
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My sense is perfectionism is a losing game in any domain, relationships or otherwise.

I used to be a perfectionist about my work. But then I came to realize two things:

  1. The client is paying for x, and when you have reached x, it is time to stop.
    Doing more is about me, but the work is about the client. And is there a point
    in meeting a standard no one else will notice, much less appreciate?
    A lot of that was based on #2...
  2. I was reared by a narcissist who raised the bar so very, very high. Nothing
    was ever good enough...absence of error was the minimum expectation...I did
    not dare do a thing to bring embarrassment or shame upon the family, lest I
    sully and tarnish the carefully-constructed artifice of normality and deserved
    regard. It was relentless, the degree to which every action was judged, graded,
    and criticized. I was a junior in high school the first time I ever got less than an
    “A.” I guess that was down to the combination of me not giving a fuck anymore,
    coming undone in terms of my mental health, discovering girls, and discovering
    drugs. And to be fair, I was grown enough in size by that point that I could no
    longer be easily beaten or locked in the closet for a few days. But if you swim
    around in a toxic pool when you are a tadpole, you end up being a sick frog.
    So I ran those “must be perfect” scripts for years until I figured a couple of
    things out...

  1. I don’t need to be perfect, and given I am human, I never will be anyway.
  2. I do the best I am able, always, and that is enough.
  3. Some people will judge what I do, and that’s their business, not mine.
  4. An essential part of life is fun, and perfection neurosis prevents that.


Cheers,
Ian
 
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Ah, how relevant this thread is to my life right now, and how grateful I am for the nuggets of wisdom I've read so far.

Pyrrhula said:
I let go of a few of my expectations recently and I realised I've been choosing the wrong men all along. That's why nothing has worked out. My idea of perfection equalled incompatibility!
Click to expand...
So was the problem your high expectations, the incompatible men, or both?

I think I have both problems, probably thanks partly to my (yes, immature) fear of vulnerability. I won't go into my underlying issues, but suffice to say I can't help but connect my vulnerability/submissiveness in the past with very bad things happening. So I get easily overwhelmed by my SO's attention and whenever I'm not feeling perfectly happy with them, I detatch myself because anything else feels fake and forced. I'm curious how you all have been able to just "let go" of your expectations, or get less annoyed with people over little things, without feeling like you're submitting or "faking it til you make it."
 
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Really enjoyed the article in the OP. Yes there are really people like this who are so perfectionist towards their selves that they are hyper sensitive to any sort of criticism, even the sort that is like "I love you for your flaws as much as for your perfections", in a way that makes them unable to be vulnerable enough to have a meaningful relationship.
 
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