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"People Pleasers are Underrated"

Gaze

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What Psychologists Know that You Don’t
by Anita E. Kelly

People Pleasers Are Underrated

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201404/people-pleasers-are-underrated

Sincere people of high integrity cooperate with and avoid exploiting others.
Published on April 4, 2014 by Anita E. Kelly, Ph.D. in Insight


Recently I overheard a mom put a positive spin on the outrageous demands and expectations of her cranky child. With a crinkled nose, she said, “Well, at least my child is not a people pleaser!” Her disgust toward any overly agreeable child was evident. Presumably, such a child would be very weak in character.I must confess, however, that I very much like children who are people pleasers. It’s wonderful to have them over for playdates with my young daughter. I’m happy to take them sightseeing, buy them new toys, and cook their favorite dinners. The little darlings say, “Thank you so much, Miss Anita.” They take their dinner plates from the table to the sink, brush their teeth when I ask, and giggle when I tell them funny bedtime stories. They wouldn’t dream of complaining when it’s time for lights out.

Why, then, do people pleasers have such a bad reputation? One of the biggest reasons can be traced back to Carl Rogers who developed his theory of personality in the 1950s (1). He claimed that what prevents people from self-actualizing is that they bend over backwards to please others. He said that trying to fulfill conditions of worth put on them (i.e., people pleasing) prevents them from leading an authentic life. He claimed that the solution lay in the receiving of unconditional positive regard. Such regard would allow the person to stop the self-destructive people-pleasing and get in touch with his or her inner experiencing.

Somehow this idea has translated into the common expectation today for us to receive unconditional positive regard from loved ones. And yet around the same time that Rogers was developing his theory, Abraham Maslow was piecing together the characteristics of self-actualizing people—the most psychologically healthy people he could find. Maslow found that self-actualizers were universally hard-working and committed to human causes. Instead of expecting to be granted love based on their mere existence, they would likely endorse the statement, “I am loved because I give love” (2). Thus, self-actualizers may be characterized as people pleasers.

Along these same lines, researchers Lee and Ashton recently observed that persons scoring high on the personality factor known as Honesty-Humility tend to be sincere, fair-minded, and non-greedy (3). They are oriented toward cooperating with others even when they could exploit them without retaliation. Thus, they too qualify as people pleasers. However, rather than being spineless as widely believed, these people pleasers tend to have a high degree of integrity. They like to cooperateon a day-to-day basis; and yet because they are so committed to the principle of fairness, they will stand up against a major breach of ethics.

Thus, I ask you to consider, “Who wouldn’t encourage their kids to be people pleasers? And who wouldn’t want to be around such persons?” After all, people pleasers pay their fair share of expenses, do their fair share of work, and have in general a high regard for other people. Yet far from being weak, they are the very ones who will stick up for you when you really need it.
 
It might be entirely possible that the woman who wrote this article misconstrued a statement about sycophants.

I might be wrong, though. After all, without context, the statement can be taken to mean just about anything.
 
I think there are those who please people because they honestly want, and these know what they are doing and have dignity; and the ones who please people from fear, or insecurities; they don't exactly know what they are doing, and of course they don't have dignity;
 
Giving people empty pleasure for empty reasons, and giving people real and meaningful love, are different, as well. People can interpret the term "people pleaser" in either a positive or negative light, just like everything else. As always, it's a matter of perception and subjective connotations.

I understand the point of this thread though. A self-actualizing person who cares about others and their happiness is truly a gift that is underrated in our society of callous individualism and egocentrism. We are in dire need of more of these people.
 
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I know for me for a long while and still sometimes today I struggle with the desire for peoples approval, which I think outwardly can appear philanthropic, though internally it felt more of a compulsive movement to fill an inner sense of lack which really wasn't for the benefit of others as much as I wouldve liked to believe. I guess I don't really know where I stand on the whole thing now except maybe encouraging others to give themselves some space to be okay with their imperfections so they might feel more validated in whoever they choose to be.
 
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My theory is that everything anyone does and says are reflections on how we feel about ourselves, the world and other people. So if you're very nice and agreeable, you want people to treat you that way. If you're mad at people, you're mad at yourself and how you were treated, and so on. We're primates, how could you expect more from us? We haven't evolved since we all lived in caves and fought to survive every day. We love to judge and feel better than others, when in reality there is no such thing as a "superior" way of being, thinking or acting. We're just here for a little while. It's a beautiful thing when you think about it. I love agreeable people. They're awesome.
 
The girl in the story doesn't sound like a people-pleaser. She was simply polite and appreciative of the mother for having her over. In return, she's rewarded for this behaviour. From my own experience people-pleasers go out of their way to please, even if it causes them physical or mental harm. Often it's due to a low opinion of themselves, believing that they need approval of others to be worth anything.

The majority of people-pleasers I know are filled with regrets because they let everyone walk all over them. Worse is the fact that all they did was never appreciated. After a while, people just expected them to act this way. It caused their already low self-esteem to drop even further.
 
Being kind and accommodating isn't the same thing as being a complete doormat, though I can see how people who have never been inclined towards helpfulness would see either as a sign of weakness. Most of those people seem to be highly guarded and hurt though, and their cynical viewpoint is more a sign of their bad past experiences. It is true that being a people pleaser can get you hurt, but that's not a good excuse to stop wanting to help others. Even people who guard themselves from others find themselves still hurt on the inside I'm sure. So... I suppose the best thing to do is to keep being kind and helping others, but also be aware of people with ill intentions so you don't get taken advantage of. Too much of a pushover is just as bad as too cold.
 
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