Partner Disconnect | INFJ Forum

Partner Disconnect

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Apr 28, 2017
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I’ve been in a relationship with an ENFP for most of 2018 and we recently started living together. Emotionally, physically, mentally and in every way we are a great compliment to one another. We share a lot of the same interests, hobbies and we are always reading each other’s minds. He is so in tune to my emotions, that any slight upset, he picks up on it despite my efforts to deny.

Lately, I’ve been feeling as though our connection is a little skewed. Almost like wearing a shoe on the wrong foot. It fits, but it’s not the perfect alignment I’m used to. I’ve been supporting him lately in his upset over a ghosting from his sister. They were super close and she basically ghosted the whole family because they didn’t approve of her boyfriend. No surprise to me that she chose the significant other. Their standards of family loyalty is pretty intense. I believe it’s a cultural difference but it makes me feel odd nonetheless.

He is super sentimental and keeps cards, ticket stubs, photos, etc of things he wants to remember. But I’ve noticed that he keeps a lot of his sisters old stuff. To the point that in the back of our bathroom drawers, he has her old hair ties, makeup, razors, hair products, etc. Things she left behind at her parents house when she left. He went and took them. He also has hung multiple pieces of artwork around the apartment that belonged to her, kept party cups that were hers, the list goes on. Any mention of her name and he bursts into tears. I don’t know why...but this has made me really uncomfortable and weirded out. I feel like it’s caused a huge disconnection in our otherwise perfectly fitted relationship.

Anyone have any experiences with ENFPs or with people who are strangely close to their siblings? I feel like he’s almost in love with her. Is it an insecurity on my part?

I feel like being an INFJ, I always end up feeling alone with many relationships. Romantic or platonic. My natural state is to always think about how my behavior will affect someone else close to the scenario. I don’t want to ever give wrong impressions, miscommunication, etc. But there doesn’t seem to be a lot of people with the same conviction.

Help.
 
I can understand keeping tickets and cards and pictures but the personal items are questionable. (Went back and re-read this to see he went back and took those things after she moved out upon becoming estranged.) Almost like he's afraid to let go of anything of hers as if she's dead.

You mentioned his family has very intense standards for loyalty. I wonder what his upbringing was like? Was it warm and nurturing? Maybe if not so much, his sister was the one relative who did nurture him and make him feel secure.

Maybe you could ask about the artwork being displayed that belonged to her and etc. Maybe you can get him to reminisce? Maybe that will open the door to seeing why he's so attached so you can have an idea of what is really going on.

That's sad that she ghosted him too. Did he voice disapproval too or is he just getting lumped in with everyone? Hopefully she comes around for him. Could you reach out to her to let her know how upset he is? Maybe it would help.
 
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Seems pretty normal to me, he feels in some sense that she has in essence died. People illustrate similar behavior during those times, holding on to belongings of those who have passed on. It's not healthy of course, at least not long term, but it seems to me he is in a state of grieving. Maybe try to approach the circumstance from that angle and do what you can to help him mend the wound.
 
Seems pretty normal to me, he feels in some sense that she has in essence died. People illustrate similar behavior during those times, holding on to belongings of those who have passed on. It's not healthy of course, at least not long term, but it seems to me he is in a state of grieving. Maybe try to approach the circumstance from that angle and do what you can to help him mend the wound.

This right here!!!
 
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I agree with Wyote.

I did pick up on your 'weirded out' comment, however, and was actually reluctant to say what I immediately thought...

So, some caveats... This is just my opinion, and I find that when the topic comes up with friends, people are really split on it, so you may vehemently disagree, and that's OK. I'm not sure myself.

In my experience, I find that women tend to become at least anxious with obvious signs of weakness in men. It creeps them out, perhaps for evolutionary reasons, sometimes in ways they can't describe. Female friends have described this to me, but I've equally seen other women vehemently disagree.

I wonder if part of what you're feeling is that?
 
There are going to be times in our walk with others when the disconnect is going to be there. It's part of life, being human, having difficult times, etc.
On the other hand...
I agree with Deleted member 16771. It could be his extreme weakness could be a turn off for you. And also the strict dependence on family may be somewhat of a turn off as well. I don't know if I could pair with a man that was still glued to his family quite like that. As an INFJ, I like a little more independence in my guy.
But is this enough to throw a relationship away? That's a tough question. At this age in my life, I am content letting people do what they do, even if it seems a little weak-minded
 
Seems pretty normal to me, he feels in some sense that she has in essence died. People illustrate similar behavior during those times, holding on to belongings of those who have passed on. It's not healthy of course, at least not long term, but it seems to me he is in a state of grieving. Maybe try to approach the circumstance from that angle and do what you can to help him mend the wound.

This pretty much would have been my reply. When the context is taken into the equation, his behaviour is at least understandable, I think.

Like Wy said, it looks like he is grieving.
 
My ENFP friends are deeply sentimental and I can see them doing something like this. I think they’re the type to treasure everyday items just as much as gifts because of the memories evoked. Maybe your bf used the same bathroom growing up with his sister and the hairbands and stuff reminds him of her? They’re not the type to question the appropriateness of their actions arising from their emotions because they do accept their emotions 100%. I think as an INFJ, you’re going to notice this more and more. Sometimes, it’s going to be admirable to you. Sometimes, it’s going to be weird.
 
Seems pretty normal to me, he feels in some sense that she has in essence died. People illustrate similar behavior during those times, holding on to belongings of those who have passed on. It's not healthy of course, at least not long term, but it seems to me he is in a state of grieving. Maybe try to approach the circumstance from that angle and do what you can to help him mend the wound.


This makes sense and I appreciate the perspective so much. I guess I didn’t think of it as grieving before but you’re right.
 
I agree with Wyote.

I did pick up on your 'weirded out' comment, however, and was actually reluctant to say what I immediately thought...

So, some caveats... This is just my opinion, and I find that when the topic comes up with friends, people are really split on it, so you may vehemently disagree, and that's OK. I'm not sure myself.

In my experience, I find that women tend to become at least anxious with obvious signs of weakness in men. It creeps them out, perhaps for evolutionary reasons, sometimes in ways they can't describe. Female friends have described this to me, but I've equally seen other women vehemently disagree.

I wonder if part of what you're feeling is that?

Thanks for the thought! It could possibly be that. He is actually very balanced in showing a lot of strong dominant traits as well as these tender moments. It’s part of what I love most about him. He’s able to express himself in many emotional facets. I think the biggest part of my “weirded out” comment has to do with the cultural difference in how family is viewed. They are tight knit and I grew up with very emotionally neglectful parents that have 5 emotionally traumatized adult children as a result. So I think maybe just different dynamics of love and affection were experienced and express and I’m having difficulty understanding the extreme attachment.
 
My ENFP friends are deeply sentimental and I can see them doing something like this. I think they’re the type to treasure everyday items just as much as gifts because of the memories evoked. Maybe your bf used the same bathroom growing up with his sister and the hairbands and stuff reminds him of her? They’re not the type to question the appropriateness of their actions arising from their emotions because they do accept their emotions 100%. I think as an INFJ, you’re going to notice this more and more. Sometimes, it’s going to be admirable to you. Sometimes, it’s going to be weird.
Thank you so much!!! This really helps me understand him better. I love how sentimental he is and I consider myself to be sentimental as well...but he is on another level and I just didn’t know how to view it. I’m glad this is a typical aspect of his personality and it allows me to be more empathetic towards his behavior.
 
@selcouth Thanks for the clarication. I'm curious, have you actually spoken to him about this? He seems like the type that could tolerate an open and honest conversation like that.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a hard time understanding how attached to them he is. Even to the point (in my own insecurity) that I needed to ask if he’d choose his family over me. He said he would choose me. But I say this not because I would ever put us in a situation like that (I have been trying to help him and his sister reunite) but because of the situation with his sister and how much of an impact it’s had. Basically, my BF and his parents did not like her boyfriend. From his perspective, the guy was a “loser”. There were some confrontations that took place between my boyfriend, his parents and his sister and her boyfriend. Some nasty words and accusations were exchanged and it resulted in her packing her bags and leaving her parents home to go live with her boyfriend.

After that, she stopped speaking with them. She hasn’t doorslammed, but she’s maintained her distance. He is able to text her and she responds, but she has made it clear that she doesn’t approve of their behavior and says if a reunion is to happen, then it basically needs to be from an apologetic standpoint on their behalf. My BF and his parents are very stubborn in this because they are reluctant to admit any wrongdoing.

I, on the other hand, understand her position and response. She loves this man and they need to accept that if they want to be a part of her life. I told my BF, “you don’t have to like him...you don’t have to be his friend...but you do have to accept that your sister loves him and you love her, so whatever makes her happy, you need to support that in order to maintain a relationship with her.”

Of course if there was abuse involved, that would change things. But this is really just a trivial character dislike.

So, with that, I encouraged him to text her and ask for a meet up to sort through it. He is so emotionally distraught over it. He misses her and I think he’s had a difficult time accepting that he’s at war with his pride and also the grief he’s feeling by not having her around. He’s conflicted. He’s made the comment “we said we would never leave each other and she left”. I think it’s normal to find love and “leave” your family and start a new life but it’s as if they are eternal children. I don’t know. Hope this helps provide more substance or context.
 
Thanks selcouth, I really appreciate that.

There's something similar happening in my family right now - similar in the sense that people are threatening estrangement.

As usual, I'm in the middle, urging both sides to remember the big picture and the bottom line.

'Remember that everybody loves each other here. Nobody's getting estranged over this stupid shit' is basically my position. Thankfully in my case this has struck a chord with both sides. While they're trying to argue over the details of the situation, saying this and reminding them of the core of their feeling really hits home - they well up and stop in their tracks.

I think your analysis of the situation is probably right - they just need to accept the sister's love for this man and remember the bottom line. If your BF really cares for his sister, he'll accept the guy, otherwise he's placing his opinion before his love for her. He doesn't have to like him, he doesn't have to reverse his opinion of him, but it seems like she's made a choice and he's going to have to accept it. Maybe his emotional reaction is guilt-driven to a certain extent.

I think maybe other types can tend to get caught up in the details and forget the big picture. I dunno, I tend to think that someone (close family) would have to kill someone or something before I close my door to them, and maybe not even then.
 
Thanks selcouth, I really appreciate that.

There's something similar happening in my family right now - similar in the sense that people are threatening estrangement.

As usual, I'm in the middle, urging both sides to remember the big picture and the bottom line.

'Remember that everybody loves each other here. Nobody's getting estranged over this stupid shit' is basically my position. Thankfully in my case this has struck a chord with both sides. While they're trying to argue over the details of the situation, saying this and reminding them of the core of their feeling really hits home - they well up and stop in their tracks.

I think your analysis of the situation is probably right - they just need to accept the sister's love for this man and remember the bottom line. If your BF really cares for his sister, he'll accept the guy, otherwise he's placing his opinion before his love for her. He doesn't have to like him, he doesn't have to reverse his opinion of him, but it seems like she's made a choice and he's going to have to accept it. Maybe his emotional reaction is guilt-driven to a certain extent.

I think maybe other types can tend to get caught up in the details and forget the big picture. I dunno, I tend to think that someone (close family) would have to kill someone or something before I close my door to them, and maybe not even then.

I agree. I’ve never thought of myself as someone who can actually doorslam permanently. I have and will continue to estrange myself if needed, but I’d like to think that anyone can still come back into my life with the right approach.

I like what you said about guilt being a factor and that’s a really good point. Because ultimately, their separation has maintained because of his choice. She said what needed to happen and he has made the choice to not do as she’s asked. Wow - so many revelations here. Thank God! I’ve been stuck in my head draining myself over trying to untangle this web and figure everyone out in the situation.

My connection with him is so vital. INFJs yearn for this type of compatibility with another human and so I consider myself very fortunate to have him in my life. When there’s a block in the air supply, I literally start decaying. I will throw myself in a Ni-Ti loop trying to figure things out. It’s horrible.

I am very capable of functioning on my own, it’s the discourse or conflict that eats me alive. I’m even very tolerant of relationships with anyone ending if the closure is there and the dust has settled. It’s my constant need to decode and understand that is my biggest enemy.

Thanks for your insight! It’s been a huge help!
 
Hi, @selcouth - I was going to say the same: He is grieving her as if she died. Give him time and space to grieve, as if she is really dead.
I would take this opportunity to explore the cultural differences (perhaps by doing a bit of research on your own) to understand why this situation is happening, and why it is so important to your SO and his family.
Hope you are otherwise well.
 
Hi, @selcouth - I was going to say the same: He is grieving her as if she died. Give him time and space to grieve, as if she is really dead.
I would take this opportunity to explore the cultural differences (perhaps by doing a bit of research on your own) to understand why this situation is happening, and why it is so important to your SO and his family.
Hope you are otherwise well.

Thanks Asa! Hope all is well in your lovely world! I definitely will be as it’s important to me to support and understand him the best I can.
 
I agree. I’ve never thought of myself as someone who can actually doorslam permanently. I have and will continue to estrange myself if needed, but I’d like to think that anyone can still come back into my life with the right approach.

I like what you said about guilt being a factor and that’s a really good point. Because ultimately, their separation has maintained because of his choice. She said what needed to happen and he has made the choice to not do as she’s asked. Wow - so many revelations here. Thank God! I’ve been stuck in my head draining myself over trying to untangle this web and figure everyone out in the situation.

My connection with him is so vital. INFJs yearn for this type of compatibility with another human and so I consider myself very fortunate to have him in my life. When there’s a block in the air supply, I literally start decaying. I will throw myself in a Ni-Ti loop trying to figure things out. It’s horrible.

I am very capable of functioning on my own, it’s the discourse or conflict that eats me alive. I’m even very tolerant of relationships with anyone ending if the closure is there and the dust has settled. It’s my constant need to decode and understand that is my biggest enemy.

Thanks for your insight! It’s been a huge help!

Hey that's really nice to hear, thank you! It's clear that he's very important to you, while your genuine care for his problems proves it beyond doubt.

I hope you can both figure this out and come to a good conclusion.