opting out of life

[miss understood]

Hello fellow INFJs and everyone interested in studying us! I have a question for you that has probably come up before but being new here, I haven't seen it yet. I'm wondering how often you feel you're opting out of life because it's easier than experiencing rejection, disappointment or unfulfilled expectations. This may be on an everyday or a much deeper level. For example, I have my birthday coming up soon, an important one in most people's eyes, but I have chosen to spend the day alone. It's mid-week, my partner has his kids that day and will also be working, so there doesn't seem to be much point in trying to organise anything. His family are huge on birthday parties, even for adults, but I can't stand the pressure of that so I've agreed to have a joint celebration with my partner in the spring instead. I can't even face celebrating with my friends because that feels overwhelming too. I've taken the day off and will be doing things on my terms but I can't help feeling like I'm "running away" as usual. Like it would be nice to have some people around me but I don't know how to reach out. At the same time, my expectations about birthday celebrations are always huge - although no-one knows about that part really - so I would probably be disappointed if I tried to do something with someone else. This way, I stay in control and I have no-one to be disappointed with but myself if I don't enjoy the day.

This must sound totally insane to non-INFJs but I wouldn't be surprised if there were other INFJs who thought along these lines. Comments anyone?

 

[Bird]

I want to do something very special this year for my birthday with Korg.

I've never really had any birthday parties except for last year. It was a
costume party. I was a cat. I don't remember most of it except going to
they gym the next morning.

 

[sprinkles]

I tend to opt out of things when I can do it (like my own birthdays) because they really have little to no significance to me. I'm a year older and just do not feel why that is important - I already have enough memento mori. I just don't see why I should be thrilled simply because it is traditionally accepted to be so.

On the other hand though there are cases when I don't opt out because I know it is important to other people. Somebody always wants to do something for me and even though I don't feel the value in doing so, I feel their sentiments. They just want to make me happy and the very thought does make me happy.

 

[the]

What pressure is there to show up to a party and enjoy yourself?

I prefer to opt into life.

 

[sprinkles]

What pressure is there to show up to a party and enjoy yourself?

I prefer to opt into life.

Expectations and some people not knowing what 'no' means. It doesn't seem like pressure until you'd rather do something else that you'd find enjoyable and then people start talking about what's good for you and it turns into an obligation.

Some times I just want to say "You don't run me no matter how much I let you happily believe that you do."

 

[toska]

Yes I definitely do this. Sometimes I'm just afraid that on the day that I agreed to do something, I won't in the mood to put on a performance. And then everyone will be pissed off, or I'll just end up acting really weird and awkward and make everyone uncomfortable.

 

[#@&5&49]

I opt out of most social engagements that involve more than one or two people. I don't like crowds and I'm not especially fond of parties. I prefer quiet one on ones or just a couple of close friends. You will almost never see me at a company party and I particularly dislike big family get togethers. I may attend a class with people that have similar interests, but I just don't socialize for the sake of socializing. It has to have more meaning for me than that.

 

[problemz]

I can't handle the tyranny of expectations.

[SOUNDCLOUD][/SOUNDCLOUD]

 

[christmas]

as far as parties go, i enjoy small ones that are less than about 20. i can barely tolerate larger ones, but i do like to dress up.

i feel like i've opted out of life career-wise. i was always told i could be whatever i wanted, and that just didn't work out.

 

[miss understood]

thanks for all your input, interesting to hear some different views and insights on this issue (btw i love the Amelie film too!). i didn't use to have a huge problem with birthdays until I moved to my current country of residence where, in many families, there's a very strong tradition of the "birthday girl/boy" throwing a party for the whole extended family - organising it, buying food, drink and cake etc, not forgetting being the hostess with the mostess - every single year. so it's not really a question of just turning up to a ready made party, it's a lot of effort and it's expected of you here. rather different from what I'm used to in my country of origin, where you probably just go out for a meal with your closest friends and someone else springs a cake on you - i.e. no pressure or prestige involved. i find it pretty horrible to deal with, which is why I try to avoid it. i'm also not comfortable with the concepts of "family" or "tradition" at the best of times for various personal reasons, which makes it even worse. and i find it hard to feel "obliged" to do something that i really detest - i really suck at pretending to have a good time when in reality I just want to leave my own party. i jokingly said to my boyfriend that i'd be happy to pay for a birthday party for his entire family to attend, just as long as I don't have to ;-) well, half-jokingly i guess. i've done a lot of people pleasing in my time to the detriment of my health, so nowadays, i weigh the potential benefit for other people against the potential harm to myself. i do try to step outside my comfort zone as much as i can, but sometimes i'm not up to it and i've learned to recognise that. and this is one of those occasions, unfortunately.

 

[#@&5&49]

[MENTION=7049]miss understood[/MENTION],

Maybe you can hire a party organizer to help you. You pay them and they put everything together for you or show you how to put everything together. Just a thought. Some people make a good living helping introverts be extroverted when they need to be :becky:

 

[sprinkles]

thanks for all your input, interesting to hear some different views and insights on this issue (btw i love the Amelie film too!). i didn't use to have a huge problem with birthdays until I moved to my current country of residence where, in many families, there's a very strong tradition of the "birthday girl/boy" throwing a party for the whole extended family - organising it, buying food, drink and cake etc, not forgetting being the hostess with the mostess - every single year. so it's not really a question of just turning up to a ready made party, it's a lot of effort and it's expected of you here. rather different from what I'm used to in my country of origin, where you probably just go out for a meal with your closest friends and someone else springs a cake on you - i.e. no pressure or prestige involved. i find it pretty horrible to deal with, which is why I try to avoid it. i'm also not comfortable with the concepts of "family" or "tradition" at the best of times for various personal reasons, which makes it even worse. and i find it hard to feel "obliged" to do something that i really detest - i really suck at pretending to have a good time when in reality I just want to leave my own party. i jokingly said to my boyfriend that i'd be happy to pay for a birthday party for his entire family to attend, just as long as I don't have to ;-) well, half-jokingly i guess. i've done a lot of people pleasing in my time to the detriment of my health, so nowadays, i weigh the potential benefit for other people against the potential harm to myself. i do try to step outside my comfort zone as much as i can, but sometimes i'm not up to it and i've learned to recognise that. and this is one of those occasions, unfortunately.

How can they do that anyway? That's absurd.

It must be only close families right? Like immediate relatives? Just wondering because I can't see my family ever doing that. It would literally never stop because we have a lot of birthdays.

Nobody would be able to get anything done!

 

[apemon]

I wouldn't be surprised if there were other INFJs who thought along these lines.

What she said.

 

[SealHammer]

I'm pretty much on a similar track as some of you are, at least concerning parties.
Maybe some time I'll talk about almost starting a fistfight with one of my friends over him trying to rope me into a group activity during class.

 

[barbad0s]

Screw stepping outside of your comfort zone if it's not for something growth-related or for something that you believe in. The comfort zone is there for a reason. Everyone is entitled to their own likes and dislikes; people shouldn't have to force themselves to conform to any pointless forms of customary action.

I bet there are loads of people where you live who are secretly tired of such effortful parties all the time too, and who would not only love the difference in energy in attending something smaller and laid-back, but would also admire you for being able to admit and openly go for what you want, even if what you wanted was just to take the day off. It's your own darned birthday! You should be able to celebrate it however you like.

 

[astrelune]

As far as birthday parties go, I think the original the purpose of a birthday party is to celebrate the person whose birthday it is- if it's not fun for that person, that kind of defeats the purpose of having one. If you want to do something low-key, even if that means being alone for the day, I don't see anything wrong with that.



However, as someone who decided to "opt out" of life many years ago, I can tell you that it's something I deeply regret doing. I was in high school, we had a mandatory program that required us to spend 3 days completely alone. At first, I thought it was the best thing in the world- I loved it, I thought I'd had this epiphany that I didn't need other people. I wanted more of that solitude and, thinking that socializing was not necessary for me, stopped pursuing social relationships, and let most of them die out.

What I was too inexperienced to realize at the time is that although I enjoyed that solitude and probably need a certain amount of it, I never became comfortable interacting with people, and I used my newly-found comfort being alone as an excuse to avoid the anxiety that resulted from me never becoming comfortable with myself. I never learned how to set boundaries in my life, I just avoided people when they started to infringe.

I didn't make any lasting friends in college either, though I did meet people who I cared about, and I'm sad that those friendships died out. I learned to talk to strangers through a job in the hospitality industry that helped at first by making me more sociable, but traumatized me in the long-run (too many encounters with nasty customers- I literally had nightmares for months after I left, and still have flashbacks sometimes to this day).

Not being comfortable around people has held me back a lot in life. I always thought that I had to be comfortable with myself first, before I could do anything else, so I didn't made progress because I (unconsciously) thought I didn't deserve it (yet). But I've come to realize that interacting with other people can also help one to be comfortable with oneself. My approach was completely one-sided, and I regret going with my erroneous inclination, rather than sticking with the tradition of socializing that I was part of before (I wasn't that social before anyways, so I would have still had plenty of alone-time).



I don't know if your situation is anything like this at all, but I would say that if you genuinely enjoy being alone for your birthday, that's great! But if you want to be alone out of some sort of anxiety or other issue that's making you avoidant, that's something you should look at, and maybe try to overcome (if not on this particular birthday, then in general).

 

[sprinkles]

[MENTION=7156]astrelune[/MENTION]

Interesting perspective.

What would you suggest for somebody who has interests that are simply too different for anyone else around? Should one conform to the crowd simply for the sake of getting social interaction?

For example I like Mahjong a lot (the real Mahjong which is similar to a four player card game, not the fake browser version where you match a stack of tiles) but nobody that spends time around me knows how to play it nor do they seem interested in learning - in fact they typically believe that the tile stacking version is really what Mahjong is, even though it is not. I have to play against computers if I want a good game.

Should I give that up and learn to do what other people like instead just so I have a reason to spend time with them?

Not that I really need a reason to spend time either, I don't like to be entirely alone but I'm content to just have people nearby. Some people seem to NEED to be doing something if they are around but I don't need that - just being in the same house and interacting naturally as we go is much more effective for me than something that is contrived or purpose driven.

 

[astrelune]

[MENTION=7156]astrelune[/MENTION]

Interesting perspective.

What would you suggest for somebody who has interests that are simply too different for anyone else around? Should one conform to the crowd simply for the sake of getting social interaction?

For example I like Mahjong a lot (the real Mahjong which is similar to a four player card game, not the fake browser version where you match a stack of tiles) but nobody that spends time around me knows how to play it nor do they seem interested in learning - in fact they typically believe that the tile stacking version is really what Mahjong is, even though it is not. I have to play against computers if I want a good game.

Should I give that up and learn to do what other people like instead just so I have a reason to spend time with them?

Not that I really need a reason to spend time either, I don't like to be entirely alone but I'm content to just have people nearby. Some people seem to NEED to be doing something if they are around but I don't need that - just being in the same house and interacting naturally as we go is much more effective for me than something that is contrived or purpose driven.

Not "conform to the crowd," I think we need to find a balance between staying true to ourselves and being open to trying new things that we're not normally inclined to do so we don't get too disconnected from the world and other people. Of course, if the crowd is really bad, maybe it's better to stay away, but a lot of the time, I think that part of the reason why people who are different feel like they have to conform to fit in is mostly because they themselves have internalized that judgment and are enforcing it on themselves.

If someone is confident, they can be themselves with people who are quite different from them (e.g. as far as preferences and values goes), without that being a threatening situation in which they or others feel like they need to change. Of course, no matter how confident you are, you could still meet resistance, but if you're secure in yourself then you'll realize that the resistance is more about the other person's own insecurity than it is about you.

I'm always surprised to find out how many people like me even though I don't feel like I fit in. A lot of the time, they find my interests to be interesting, but on a more superficial level, so it's not a sustained point of common ground, but it is a similarity, we're just on different levels with it.


Having your own solitary activities is great, but it can be good to do other things too. For me, I'm in my head a lot (almost all the time), so I really think I would benefit by getting out more, doing something physical, interacting with people- I enjoy those things, I'm just usually not inclined to do them on my own because I'm so comfortable in my mind and the outside world feels foreign to me (ok, so I am currently abroad, but I feel out of place in my own country too). I'm happier when I do those things too, but I don't think I would be happy to only do that all the time, without having time to myself.

However, for me, I'm aware of specific anxiety that I have around people, and awkwardness from not socializing enough, so I know that when I withdraw there's a defensive, maladaptive component to it as well. For someone who just likes to be alone out of preference, not as a means of avoidance, it might be different- if they can socialize when they want to and are happy then there's no problem. I just feel like in my case, a lot of my aloneness was/is avoidance, and I'm not happy being as alone as I am. If I had suffered through some more positive socializing when I was younger, I would have experienced more, been more comfortable doing different things, and developed more social skills. I would have also been able to explore different sides of myself, other than the quiet introverted intellectual idealist that everyone thinks I am all the time (I think everyone has different sides to their personalities, and if they don't explore the others their main one has the potential to become a box/limitation).

I lack confidence in myself and my abilities, but I don't lack confidence in my values and ideals at all. I think that's the greatest source of my imbalance, and I think that having had more contact with the physical/social world would have helped me with the first one.