Only feel good when I give love to others

[Artemisia]

For my entire life, I've longed for the life of others. I had my parents' love, my relatives' love when I was little, and a few men claimed they loved me. Yet, I never felt romantic love and I think I know why now. I expected the two men I had been obsessed with (limerence) to GIVE me love and I did not really give them, always expecting to get it from them.

Recently, I have shifted my perspective and I give love freely, to people and animals. I realise that my relationships (friendships etc.) have become better and the second man I have been obsessed with has been acting much better with me. Perhaps he senses a change in me as I've become more giving and accepting of him.

Can other INFJs identify with this? Did you also go through a shift? Do you believe that giving love will bring back love to you or am I just too idealistic?

 

[say what]

I tend to be quite free with my love, and very restricted in receiving love. This means that I often sabotage the situation or perceive it as being not what it is. I am currently reading "Perfect love: Imperfect relationships" - it's all about opening yourself up to being loved, you might find it an interesting read and something you relate to!

 

[Gaze]

Also had some intense experiences with limerence. Glad I no longer have them because although it mimicked love, it wasn't. It was obsession. Now that I've had a little taste of love, I realize that giving is better, and more fulfilling than receiving. This means, that when I stop worrying so much about whether or not he loves me the way I want him to, it's easier. When I focus on giving rather than receiving, the relationship is more satisfying. Can't explain why, but it just does. If I dwell too much on whether I'm getting what I want or worrying whether I'm getting everything I think I should, I'm unhappy and stressed. But when I think about making things easier for both us, I am more relaxed. So, yeah, focus on giving vs. receiving, and not worrying about whether or not they're giving enough, has been working out better than I thought.

 

[Artemisia]

Pics, that's exactly how I feel! I hope no one has to go through the cruel hell that is limerence. It sucks! I am trying to get over the second one and I think I am sort of managing but now I am just giving to the person without expecting much in return. The things is, he is sensing this and is beginning to warm up to me again, even though we broke up over six months ago.

As you said, focusing on giving (not just to a romantic partner) is the key. Do you think this may be because it puts us in control and lessens the anxiety of receiving?

 

[Gaze]

Pics, that's exactly how I feel! I hope no one has to go through the cruel hell that is limerence. It sucks! I am trying to get over the second one and I think I am sort of managing but now I am just giving to the person without expecting much in return. The things is, he is sensing this and is beginning to warm up to me again, even though we broke up over six months ago.

Yeah, once I started to relax and not expect so much of him, he was more responsive, and nicer. I think he felt less pressured. I guess it made him feel he didn't have to be or do things my way for me to be happy with him, so that made him more relaxed.

As you said, focusing on giving (not just to a romantic partner) is the key. Do you think this may be because it puts us in control and lessens the anxiety of receiving?

I think so. It seems to make me feel less worried because I don't worry as much about what I can't control about him or the relationship. I learned that I can only control how I think or feel. I can't control him or what he does. Even if I think his behavior is not what I would like, it doesn't help to insist he change or do things my way so that I will be happier. So, I've accepted that there are certain things he can't do, and so we each do what we feel comfortable doing, without stressing each other out.

Edit: I also think you have to make a decision to be happier and satisfied.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Love spelled backward is evol. Add an e and its evolve. Add an ution and its evolution.

Just something to think about.

 

[say what]

Love spelled backward is evol. Add an e and its evolve. Add an ution and its evolution.

Just something to think about.

This is very deep, EH!

I'd love you to continue on...I think you have something special going on here!

 

[jyrffw54]

What I've learned (and am still in the process of learning ) is that loving yourself, your happiness comes first. Then when you are overflowing with it , you have plenty to spread around to others. I was once told by a friend, "Either start loving yourself or start treating people like shit."

Also, that sounds like codependency to me. You are responsible for your own love and happiness, just as others are responsible for their own.

 

[Artemisia]

Yeah, once I started to relax and not expect so much of him, he was more responsive, and nicer. I think he felt less pressured. I guess it made him feel he didn't have to be or do things my way for me to be happy with him, so that made him more relaxed.

Did it turn into love after this? Did you have a relationship with this person?

I think so. It seems to make me feel less worried because I don't worry as much about what I can't control about him or the relationship. I learned that I can only control how I think or feel. I can't control him or what he does. Even if I think his behavior is not what I would like, it doesn't help to insist he change or do things my way so that I will be happier. So, I've accepted that there are certain things he can't do, and so we each do what we feel comfortable doing, without stressing each other out.

Edit: I also think you have to make a decision to be happier and satisfied.

Right on!

 

[LucyJr]

For my entire life, I've longed for the life of others. I had my parents' love, my relatives' love when I was little, and a few men claimed they loved me. Yet, I never felt romantic love and I think I know why now. I expected the two men I had been obsessed with (limerence) to GIVE me love and I did not really give them, always expecting to get it from them.

Recently, I have shifted my perspective and I give love freely, to people and animals. I realise that my relationships (friendships etc.) have become better and the second man I have been obsessed with has been acting much better with me. Perhaps he senses a change in me as I've become more giving and accepting of him.

Can other INFJs identify with this? Did you also go through a shift? Do you believe that giving love will bring back love to you or am I just too idealistic?

I don't know if giving love will bring love, but I know its the best way, the best thing to do. Fi types, INFPs and ISFJs make this the goal and meaning of their life...and I think they know something which many people don't know.
I'd say go on...You will be more mature, able to see things objectively. At least this is what hapenned at me.

 

[Artemisia]

I don't know if giving love will bring love, but I know its the best way, the best thing to do. Fi types, INFPs and ISFJs make this the goal and meaning of their life...and I think they know something which many people don't know.
I'd say go on...You will be more mature, able to see things objectively. At least this is what hapenned at me.

Yes, I agree. Can you explain how it has made you more mature? In my case, it made me see that men only love you for the way you make them feel and has stripped the illusion of pure, true love.

 

[Gaze]

Did it turn into love after this? Did you have a relationship with this person?

I don't think it turned into love because of this. I loved him in spite of the difficulties I had understanding his behavior. From his end, I'm not sure. We both have feelings for each other but compromise is a scary thing. I think in order to know love, there has to be willing to give up that need for control. You're not always going to get everything you want. The maturity of the partner often dictates how this all works in the long run. What I've realized for myself, what it takes for me to be happy involves some sacrifice or at least compromise on my part. But I am fully aware of this, and accept the consequence of making this decision to love in spite of and give love than focus on what I'm not getting. In other words, I make conscious decisions, focusing on what I can have rather than focusing on what I can't have. However, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that to anyone else since for others, it sounds like settling. However, I'm from the world of reality where you learn from experience that things aren't always going to be how you want them, so you have to make a choice to view things differently if you want some chance at satisfaction. You're right that guys are motivated by what you do for them, or how you make them feel. They use that judge whether a woman is worth their attention. I know this is a generalization but it's a pattern that seems to be consistent. Good partners are those who know that it's not about winning or losing or having things their way all the time. It's not always easy to find these qualities in partners today since everyone is taught to put themselves first and prioritize their interests above anyone else's. This kind of selfishness which comes from the focus on "being independent" is often rationalized to support self interested behavior at the expense of partners in relationships. Loving yourself doesn't mean you can't love others completely. Wanting to give love to make someone else happy can be just as if not more fulfilling than doing things for your own sake. Everyone finds happiness in different things. If I find happiness in giving love, than that shouldn't be a negative, as long as I am aware of the consequences of my choices. If you feel partners are taking more than giving, that's robbing you of a great and more fulfilling experience of love. Maybe you want to consider dating outside your normal grouping. You may be reaching the point where the people you're dating are no longer the best persons to appreciate what you have to offer. However, just a note that the older you get, the harder it is for people to change. And in the end, everyone loves differently (5 love languages).

 

[Artemisia]

Pics, we think alike it seems. I agree completely with everything you've written so far! May I ask how old you are? I am 31 and just recently came to these realizations.

However, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that to anyone else since for others, it sounds like settling. However, I'm from the world of reality where you learn from experience that things aren't always going to be how you want them, so you have to make a choice to view things differently if you want some chance at satisfaction.

Yes, this is it. Ultimately though, isn't all love about compromise and settling? It took me until now to realize it.

You're right that guys are motivated by what you do for them, or how you make them feel. They use that judge whether a woman is worth their attention. I know this is a generalization but it's a pattern that seems to be consistent.

I've tested this several times, with guys who want to date me and with male friends, a few of which would easily leave their girlfriends (or cheat on them with me) if they were getting more attention from me. This raises the question: if you lie to a man night and day, then the guy will develop feelings for you. I've experimented with this (I know, shame on me) and the fact is that it works. So the key is to make the person feel good without letting his behavior affect you emotionally.

Loving yourself doesn't mean you can't love others completely. Wanting to give love to make someone else happy can be just as if not more fulfilling than doing things for your own sake. Everyone finds happiness in different things. If I find happiness in giving love, than that shouldn't be a negative, as long as I am aware of the consequences of my choices. If you feel partners are taking more than giving, that's robbing you of a great and more fulfilling experience of love. Maybe you want to consider dating outside your normal grouping. You may be reaching the point where the people you're dating are no longer the best persons to appreciate what you have to offer. However, just a note that the older you get, the harder it is for people to change. And in the end, everyone loves differently (5 love languages).

Yes, you hit the nail of the head. Until recently, I only focused on what I could get from partners; now that I am focusing on giving, I am much more successful. The only problem though is that I am starting to lose respect for most men.....because it is all about THEM. Women are better at this and more self-sacrificing I think. The male gender is definitely more selfish in that regard.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I expected the two men I had been obsessed with to GIVE me love and I did not really give them, always expecting to get it from them.

You sure you're not INFP?

Recently, I have shifted my perspective and I give love freely

Oh, you just redeemed yourself.

 

[Gaze]

[MENTION=11526]Artemisia[/MENTION]

Yes, this is it. Ultimately though, isn't all love about compromise and settling? It took me until now to realize it.

yes, it is about compromise and learning to pick your battles, but it's tough for people to accept this when you're a culture which says, it's more important to get than to give, and if you're not getting everything you want, then it's not good enough.

So the key is to make the person feel good without letting his behavior affect you emotionally.

Yep, that's it. Someone recently reinforced this lesson for me by saying that it's about adapting without losing yourself. It was possible to be happy, even if you have to accommodate. I struggled with this for a long time. Happiness really is a choice.

Yes, you hit the nail of the head. Until recently, I only focused on what I could get from partners; now that I am focusing on giving, I am much more successful. The only problem though is that I am starting to lose respect for most men.....because it is all about THEM. Women are better at this and more self-sacrificing I think. The male gender is definitely more selfish in that regard

I think men are of course also self sacrificial but my sense is that they will usually wait to determine if someone is worth the sacrifice while women tend to be more initially or immediately self sacrificing without needing something done for her to do so. In my personal experience so far, I've had to sacrifice much more than any potential partner. I do find I experience more joy in self sacrifice by focusing on making the other person happy, but it's not something that will work for everyone. Sometimes, you do have to give first, in order to receive. Focusing on holding out until I got what I wanted made me unhappy and constantly frustrated. However, I don't want to give anyone the sense that they have to see things in this way. This way of thinking is not compatible with our modern view of dating and "settling" is considered a bad word in our culture today. Although couples who have been together a long time, not just a few years, but lasting relationships, will probably say, two people demanding the other person give in to what they want never works in the long run. In some sense, without sacrificing who you are, something will have to give. Happiness is about learning how to appreciate what you have rather than what you can't have. Also, being a sympathetic and understanding partner doesn't hurt.

 

[Artemisia]

[MENTION=11526]Artemisia[/MENTION]


Yep, that's it. Someone recently reinforced this lesson for me by saying that it's about adapting without losing yourself. It was possible to be happy, even if you have to accommodate. I struggled with this for a long time. Happiness really is a choice.

It's a choice, I agree. But going by what I've figured out now, I can give without losing myself. However, I sometimes end up working on autopilot and feel detached. I can agree with my significant other only because a) I don't want conflict b) I don't want to waste energy and c) I couldn't care less. Not sure if this is actually loving, but it has been an eye opener for me as I was always truthful and argumentative in the past. Now I know how to pick my battles and to lie if necessary in order to keep the peace.

Focusing on holding out until I got what I wanted made me unhappy and constantly frustrated.

Yup, same here. I had the wrong idea about people it seems. I assumed everyone was as honest and loving as me, but soon realized that most people only care about themselves.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

For my entire life, I've longed for the life of others. I had my parents' love, my relatives' love when I was little, and a few men claimed they loved me. Yet, I never felt romantic love and I think I know why now. I expected the two men I had been obsessed with (limerence) to GIVE me love and I did not really give them, always expecting to get it from them.

Recently, I have shifted my perspective and I give love freely, to people and animals. I realise that my relationships (friendships etc.) have become better and the second man I have been obsessed with has been acting much better with me. Perhaps he senses a change in me as I've become more giving and accepting of him.

Can other INFJs identify with this? Did you also go through a shift? Do you believe that giving love will bring back love to you or am I just too idealistic?

Happiness comes from within and is not diminished when shared. (Not trying to make a saying, it's just what popped into my head).