ongoing grief expressions: passed loved ones as a part of life going on

[invisible]

when someone we love passes away, life continues without them, and thats what they would want. if they loved us, they wouldnt want things to stop happening in our lives just because they were no longer there to see things with us. but we dont stop loving them just because they are no longer alive - we still love them as much as we did before. people often say they are "still with us".

how have you integrated memories or thoughts of loved ones who have passed away into your ongoing life? in what way are they still with you? for example, it could be that their passing has caused you to make a decision to honour them in some way, or you have reconsidered some advice that they gave you. or maybe you keep a picture of them on the wall, or wear a piece of their jewelry. maybe you talk to them as though they are still with you. no judgment here - whatever works for people is just what works.

 

[Free]

I lost my fiancé in a car accident years ago and more recently, my brother. When I first started nursing, I worked in hospice and was surrounded by death. Every person who died in my arms stayed in my heart. My experiences with death left me with a different view of it than most.

My ex-fiancé and my brother I still talk to, every day. Not like a conversation or anything, but a silent thought in my head. Like when my nephew does something that so reminds me of my brother, I'll say something like, "well Jonathan, he is your son after all." My brother's memory I like to keep alive for the sake of his son that I'm raising, so there is more memorabilia of him. I talk about him often to my nephew because I never want him to forget either of his parents.

I'll hear a song or see something that reminds me of my ex, I'll say something to him that only he could understand. Shortly after his death, I got a tattoo, a small little symbol that is a loving reminder of him. I do have pictures of him; I keep them undisplayed out of respect for my husband, even though he'd be indifferent.

The love that I have for all those I have lost is still very real, and I can feel it swell inside of me when I think about them. It's bittersweet, but it is beautiful.

 

[Misadventure]

I lost my fiancé in a car accident years ago and more recently, my brother. When I first started nursing, I worked in hospice and was surrounded by death. Every person who died in my arms stayed in my heart. My experiences with death left me with a different view of it than most.

My ex-fiancé and my brother I still talk to, every day. Not like a conversation or anything, but a silent thought in my head. Like when my nephew does something that so reminds me of my brother, I'll say something like, "well Jonathan, he is your son after all." My brother's memory I like to keep alive for the sake of his son that I'm raising, so there is more memorabilia of him. I talk about him often to my nephew because I never want him to forget either of his parents.

I'll hear a song or see something that reminds me of my ex, I'll say something to him that only he could understand. Shortly after his death, I got a tattoo, a small little symbol that is a loving reminder of him. I do have pictures of him; I keep them undisplayed out of respect for my husband, even though he'd be indifferent.

The love that I have for all those I have lost is still very real, and I can feel it swell inside of me when I think about them. It's bittersweet, but it is beautiful.

 

[SarahBS]

I lost my fiancé in a car accident years ago and more recently, my brother. When I first started nursing, I worked in hospice and was surrounded by death. Every person who died in my arms stayed in my heart. My experiences with death left me with a different view of it than most.

My ex-fiancé and my brother I still talk to, every day. Not like a conversation or anything, but a silent thought in my head. Like when my nephew does something that so reminds me of my brother, I'll say something like, "well Jonathan, he is your son after all." My brother's memory I like to keep alive for the sake of his son that I'm raising, so there is more memorabilia of him. I talk about him often to my nephew because I never want him to forget either of his parents.

I'll hear a song or see something that reminds me of my ex, I'll say something to him that only he could understand. Shortly after his death, I got a tattoo, a small little symbol that is a loving reminder of him. I do have pictures of him; I keep them undisplayed out of respect for my husband, even though he'd be indifferent.

The love that I have for all those I have lost is still very real, and I can feel it swell inside of me when I think about them. It's bittersweet, but it is beautiful.

I just loved reading this <3

 

[hush]

I lost my fiancé in a car accident years ago and more recently, my brother. When I first started nursing, I worked in hospice and was surrounded by death. Every person who died in my arms stayed in my heart. My experiences with death left me with a different view of it than most.

My ex-fiancé and my brother I still talk to, every day. Not like a conversation or anything, but a silent thought in my head. Like when my nephew does something that so reminds me of my brother, I'll say something like, "well Jonathan, he is your son after all." My brother's memory I like to keep alive for the sake of his son that I'm raising, so there is more memorabilia of him. I talk about him often to my nephew because I never want him to forget either of his parents.

I'll hear a song or see something that reminds me of my ex, I'll say something to him that only he could understand. Shortly after his death, I got a tattoo, a small little symbol that is a loving reminder of him. I do have pictures of him; I keep them undisplayed out of respect for my husband, even though he'd be indifferent.

The love that I have for all those I have lost is still very real, and I can feel it swell inside of me when I think about them. It's bittersweet, but it is beautiful.

I just...

:...)

That was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing, you have a radiant heart and soul.

Bittersweet but beautiful. <3

 

[SpecialEdition]

I think I process death a lot different than most people I know. The way I experience my grief is very brief... like I hear that someone has passed and it is this initial sense of panic that washes through the center of me and then it's gone. I usually only take a few moments where I'll cry or really feel grief. When the funeral comes I'll cry but it's never over my own feelings of sadness because they usually aren't there. Typically I don't feel a lot when people die but I do tend to see others really experiencing the loss in a significant way and so I will feel sadness for those who are struggling to accept it. But once that is over I don't memorialize anything or hold on to anything. I sometimes just forget that people are dead. There are people that I have lost in my life and I often forget they were alive or I knew them to begin with.

 

[Eventhorizon]

The absence of people I have loved and who have passed away has left holes. I feel as if parts on me are gone. However when enough time passes you get used to feeling that way. If enough time passes you become more used to you without them than you with them.

So simply, I changed. Not because I wanted to but because pieces of who I feel I wawas are gone.

This is not a sad thing. Its a life thing. I am however acutely aware that I dont want anymore people I love to leave and do have some measure of dread in that concern if I allow myself to think of it.

 

[La Sagna]

I think I process death a lot different than most people I know. The way I experience my grief is very brief... like I hear that someone has passed and it is this initial sense of panic that washes through the center of me and then it's gone. I usually only take a few moments where I'll cry or really feel grief. When the funeral comes I'll cry but it's never over my own feelings of sadness because they usually aren't there. Typically I don't feel a lot when people die but I do tend to see others really experiencing the loss in a significant way and so I will feel sadness for those who are struggling to accept it. But once that is over I don't memorialize anything or hold on to anything. I sometimes just forget that people are dead. There are people that I have lost in my life and I often forget they were alive or I knew them to begin with.

Out of curiosity, have you lost anyone close?

 

[La Sagna]

The absence of people I have loved and who have passed away has left holes. I feel as if parts on me are gone. However when enough time passes you get used to feeling that way. If enough time passes you become more used to you without them than you with them.

So simply, I changed. Not because I wanted to but because pieces of who I feel I wawas are gone.

This is not a sad thing. Its a life thing. I am however acutely aware that I dont want anymore people I love to leave and do have some measure of dread in that concern if I allow myself to think of it.

I would say that my experience is similar to yours in that my loss has changed who I am on a deep level. I don't need to do anything specific, my memories and my grief are just part of me.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Out of curiosity, have you lost anyone close?

So far:
Grandfather on mother's side
Grandfather on father's side
Grandmother on mother's side
Great Aunt (who was like a mother to my dad)
Uncle (dad's brother)
Great Aunt (grandmother's sister)
2 friends in the same weekend
1 friend to suicide
several classmates

 

[La Sagna]

So far:
Grandfather on mother's side
Grandfather on father's side
Grandmother on mother's side
Great Aunt (who was like a mother to my dad)
Uncle (dad's brother)
Great Aunt (grandmother's sister)
2 friends in the same weekend
1 friend to suicide
several classmates

Thanks for the list. Every relationship is different so the level of impact of losses through death cannot be qualified by the semantic meaning of the relationship. I have no idea if you were close or not to any of the people on your list. Many people are barely impacted by the loss of a grandparent but there are some cases where there was a close bond and it is a very difficult loss.

People react very differently to death and grief and there is no right or wrong, but I will say that people that I have known that are maybe more detached than most regarding deaths are still very affected by the death of someone very close. The deaths that affect us the most are the ones of people that we couldn't possibly forget were in our lives because they were a big part of it.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Thanks for the list. Every relationship is different so the level of impact of losses through death cannot be qualified by the semantic meaning of the relationship. I have no idea if you were close or not to any of the people on your list. Many people are barely impacted by the loss of a grandparent but there are some cases where there was a close bond and it is a very difficult loss.

People react very differently to death and grief and there is no right or wrong, but I will say that people that I have known that are maybe more detached than most regarding deaths are still very affected by the death of someone very close. The deaths that affect us the most are the ones of people that we couldn't possibly forget were in our lives because they were a big part of it.

I would say all these people were very regular participants in my life growing up. I don't feel close to anyone, typically and by close I mean strongly emotionally bonded. I don't feel this way with my parents, either.

That said, I think if I lost my boyfriend I would have an exceptionally difficult time grieving over that but I feel like most people in my life are on the peripheral even if we are in regular contact. My parents took each of the respective deaths in their families hard and so did my sister, but for me the actual feeling of pain over loss is very brief. I have a hard time maintaining any strong emotions over a long period of time.

 

[La Sagna]

I would say all these people were very regular participants in my life growing up. I don't feel close to anyone, typically and by close I mean strongly emotionally bonded. I don't feel this way with my parents, either.

That said, I think if I lost my boyfriend I would have an exceptionally difficult time grieving over that but I feel like most people in my life are on the peripheral even if we are in regular contact. My parents took each of the respective deaths in their families hard and so did my sister, but for me the actual feeling of pain over loss is very brief. I have a hard time maintaining any strong emotions over a long period of time.

Some people are not close to their parents so their death doesn't impact them that much but for most people it is an event that is very impactful, even it it just means that you know you're the next generation to die. I will say that there is a huge difference between losing a grandparent and losing a parent. It makes sense that the impact on your parents would be much harder than on you.

The example that you give about the thought that losing your boyfriend would be very difficult is exactly what I'm speaking of though, there are people that are in our lives daily or very regularly that really leave a big hole and change our life if they pass away. I think even unemotional people are highly impacted with that type of a loss.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Some people are not close to their parents so their death doesn't impact them that much but for most people it is an event that is very impactful, even it it just means that you know you're the next generation to die. I will say that there is a huge difference between losing a grandparent and losing a parent. It makes sense that the impact on your parents would be much harder than on you.

The example that you give about the thought that losing your boyfriend would be very difficult is exactly what I'm speaking of though, there are people that are in our lives daily or very regularly that really leave a big hole and change our life if they pass away. I think even unemotional people are highly impacted with that type of a loss.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

 

[Free]

I agree, these losses take pieces away from you that are left hollow, and it changes who you are on a much deeper level. And I agree that losing someone that impacted your life to such a degree that your life as you live it is changed forever, is the greatest loss of all.

I have lost family members, friends and peers. I think it's safe to say we all have. I was saddened by their deaths, but didn't list them because their loss didn't impact my life greatly nor directly. I was able to carry on as is with only an emotional impact.

Nothing effected the course of my life the way it did when I lost the man I was to start a life with. In a moment, both he and the life we had were dead. 'Moving on' is too simple a term to describe what happens when your life path and you yourself are altered forever with no warning and without choice. In the case of losing my brother, he and I were very close, more like bff's than siblings. His death also meant that I became the parent to his child. Again, something that irrevocably altered the course of my life forever. With these particular losses, I didn't have to just pick myself up, dust off and continue on, I had to re-invent the way that I live- right down to the daily decisions I make.

We all experience grief differently to be sure, and I'm only sharing my own experiences and thoughts on it. Thank you all for sharing yours as well. <3

 

[Eventhorizon]

As a question. Does anyone here feel to be a lesser human being because they were able to continue on? I mean after all, these people who were such an integral part of your existence go away and yet you feel so little. Does that make you a lesser human or was it that they were simply so insignificant it was hardly justified you even take notice of their absence?

 

[Misadventure]

I don't do well with grief at all. I'll retreat into myself and hide, pushing those feelings away till I can't feel them anymore. I rarely think about the people who have passed. It's just too painful. I'm better at pretending they're on vacation or something.

 

[Misadventure]

As a question. Does anyone here feel to be a lesser human being because they were able to continue on? I mean after all, these people who were such an integral part of your existence go away and yet you feel so little. Does that make you a lesser human or was it that they were simply so insignificant it was hardly justified you even take notice of their absence?

No, I don't feel lesser. I think we are meant to adapt to change and move on. If our own little worlds ended every time we lost somebody, the human race would be an endangered species.

 

[Free]

As a question. Does anyone here feel to be a lesser human being because they were able to continue on? I mean after all, these people who were such an integral part of your existence go away and yet you feel so little. Does that make you a lesser human or was it that they were simply so insignificant it was hardly justified you even take notice of their absence?

Not lesser at all, empowered actually. We are highly adaptable beings and learn from our experiences in life. Speaking from a personal perspective, If I didn't find the strength in me to finally 're-invent' my life (adapt) after my grief became bearable, I couldn't have continued on. I would have been dead long ago. Like [MENTION=13723]Misadventure[/MENTION] stated, we'd become extinct if we weren't hard-wired with the ability to overcome even the most horrendous circumstances. I will always silently grieve and miss my loved ones, but I am still here, and I still have a life to live.

 

[invisible]

i grew up with a gentle natured siamese cat with a huge personality. i was with her every day and she was my best friend. she was a genius and had a great sense of humour. she was 18 when we had to put her down. losing her was like cutting my own arm off. im sure people who have never been bonded to an animal will think im crazy but thats just the way it is. after she died i couldnt feel the same way about eating animals anymore. i have felt like as though i would be eating my beautiful girl. i get filled with rage when people claim that animals have no feelings. since i put her down i have eaten animal body parts at times when ive been very stressed out and drunk, but it can never be the same as it was before. i dont even think being drunk is enough to make me be able to eat animal bodies anymore. it feels stronger than ever. i always still feel like i was talking to her just yesterday.

last year my aunt died of brain cancer. before she got sick we were making concrete plans about things we would be doing together in future. but then she got sick and our plans were ruined. i think that when you really love someone there is a part of you that is defined by their way of seing you and thats how it was between us. she used a nickname that i gave her in my childhood socially in a way that was stable. after she died i accepted her death as a natural part of life, but now, almost a year down the track, i realise that i have in fact not accepted her death, and i dont know how to. i refuse to accept that she is gone, she isnt gone, i still think that i will pick up the phone and talk to her if i want to. i keep dreaming about her. before she died, she told me about a time when she was younger when she learned to surf. i had no idea that my aunt could surf, because she was brought up in a very particular way, and although she was highly competent in many ways, including the outdoors (fishing, firing guns, etc), somehow i didnt realise that could include surfing. when i was younger i wanted to learn to surf very badly, but i was too afraid and had no confidence, and so i decided it was something i would never do. i wish that i can learn to surf, but also that when i fear doing something, or think that something that i want to do is not worthwhile, that i would remember my aunt and do it. then, when im doing it, it will be like as though my aunt is still alive, and as though she is giving me a gift - because without my memory of her i wouldnt have known what it was like to do those things.