Odds of reconnecting with an INFJ girl | INFJ Forum

Odds of reconnecting with an INFJ girl

Racter v2

Newbie
Mar 25, 2014
42
6
108
MBTI
INTJ
Enneagram
5w4
Hello, INFJs. There's one thing I'd like to share with you. It's quite personal, so it is likely that you might not get the full picture; nonetheless I'll try, as this issue is bothering me for a long time. I welcome all feedback and hope that my English won't burn your eyes from their sockets.

There is an INFJ girl in my university. She's graduate student, like me. We have known each other quite long - I'd met her for the first time when we both begun our freshmen year. We landed in a same student group and shared all the classes for the first two years; then we took different specializations and drifted away a little, but we occasionaly attend same lectures to this day.

When I first saw her, she didn't seem appealing to me at all. She looked a little 'emo' (wore mostly black, dark colours, and dark make-up) and her overall physical appearence wasn't really my type. However, the more I got to know her, the more my first superficial judgement backed down and gave place to curiosity.

She turned out to be really smart, abstract thinker, with various interests and love of art. She's had great intuition, easily cought metaphores and read between the lines. Has had an ability to just 'get' another person and 'sense' all he's been trying to convey. What interested me most however, was her ability to build trust and gently settle in another person's comfort zone, while retaining thick walls surrounding her own; she has been always very reluctant to talk about her personal issues and would discuss them only as last resort, with someone picked very carefully. She took MBTI test and I learned she's been an INFJ.

All her physical flaws quickly turned unimportant (or even cute) for me and I decided to take a shot. I've never been good at this - I am hopeless, socialy-inept and closed introvert - but then, why not try? My first attempt (yes, there were more) seemed to catch her off-guard; she looked really surprised and uncomfortable (I only suggested going for a cup of coffee toghether, tough) and told me she would tell me later. In the following night, I've received a text containing some flaky response that said something about not having time and not really considering a partner (it was about 4 years ago and it might not be relevant anymore, but I mention this to provide a better picture).

I gave her time and space and focused on something different; I realized that I had hasted things a little - she probably didn't really know me much, and I acted more on my intuition and observations than actual connection. After a week or two I tried to connect with her better on casual basis and she didn't mind; even tough I am quite awful at socializing and stuff related, she seemed to enjoy (or at least, accept) my company. I genuinely liked her, but weren't in love or infatuated. When I asked her out again, she told me I was not her type, and actually she's "too picky for her own good". I learned later from one of her friends that she had a crush on someone else at the time.

Interestingly enough, when I got to know another girl (nothing came from it) and mentioned it to this INFJ, she seemed a little disappointed (indicating she might've expected some persistence from my side), but that's just my impression.

Anyway, my intuition told me this relationship can lead to something really unique nonetheless, so I kinda sticked around. Then came the winter of our sophomore year. This was very tough time for me; I had quite a lot of existential angst. My self-esteem was rocking bottom and I failed some classes. She felt there's something wrong with me and offered help. I'd tried talking about it with other people before and hadn't really received support, so I was hesitant, but complied anyway. She was the first person that felt I need someone to talk to, not a tharapist or depression medicine. I were often very sad, spiteful, passive-agressive and generally unlikable at the time, but she endured it all well. That was very uplifting and helped me a lot.

After getting over all these troubles, I decided to chase her the last time. At first I was more subtle, but then, unfortunately my feelings (which I am usually sort-of disconnected with) conquered the reason and I was doing things that weren't subtle anymore - I was clearly eager to arrange hangouts, I wrote poems (I write some to this day and did before, so nothing new, but...) with her in mind and actually asked her to be my muse. To sum up, it was terrible, yet I felt great while doing all this...

One of the poets said that the more effort a man puts in courting a woman, the more he falls in love with his own persistence, and it might've been true to an extent; at one point my reason tried to came back and remind me, that I shouldn't expect anything. She'd turned me down two times before and there were no obvious indicators that she might've liked me back, even tough she did not respond negatively to my actions listed above; and because of my former troubles, she might've thought my feelings are coming from gratitude rather than genuine interest. So I started doubting the purpose of all this, but in the end, I decided to follow my feelings.

We were going out together pretty much regularly (altough not that often), and at one of our hangouts, I made up my mind and confessed. She was very perplexed, and so were I. I can't recall the details, but it was really awkward and she didn't really give a straight answer, but everything on earth was saying "no". When I got home, I tried to somehow make me appear less hopelessly in love than I truly were and wrote her something about it (can't recall the details), but I guess it only made it worse.

Few days later, she wrote me an e-mail. In the mail she said that she never really looked at me as more than a friend (sad, but I was prepared for it) and she didn't think that I can handle responsibility of being in relationship... I realized that it might be connected to the personal issues I had before, but I thought I had dealt with them already. I felt labeled and unfairly judged; destined to be "the personal issues guy" for a lifetime.

When we met few weeks later and I told her that it was a bit unfair to say all this, she said that I shouldn't complain, as she could have treated me worse and manipulated me, and I should actually be thankful; In addition, she said that she would not like to hang out with me for following three weeks, which was very troublesome for me to interpret...

I felt terrible, but to be honest, I didn't behave much better. I put on stone mask and just silently agreed to everything she sad, just to withdraw and avoid her ever since.

I held grudge for long (more than a year), but as the time passed, I started to understand her point of view a little more. I realized she was in very uncomfortable position and she didn't necessarily mean the things she said; and most important, I should've been more direct about my feelings and not act passive aggresive. This way we could both learn something and make our friendship better, or at least get a clear situation. Every time I passed her by without a word, she was looking very sad. My intuition told me that she was hurt too; she even asked me once what was wrong, but I refused to tell her.

Since then, I occassionaly try to reconnect with her and rebuild that friendship somehow. I knew it would be very hard for me, as I have closed myself even more after all this, but I am trying to this day (circa 3 years after). We never discussed the situation described above, but we've been on a couple of hangouts (she agreed readily each time). Unfortunately, every time we had a good time together, I come up with something stupid few days later and get her angry or disappointed. One time I've ended the meeting too soon because I felt I bored her to death. When I told her that later, she was really sad and felt treated unfairly. Another time we have a minor fight about some bullshit I don't even remember and I don't know why I started it. I imagine she probably doesn't hold high opinion about me...

So, INFJ ladies and gents, please tell me, are there any chances to rebuild the friendship? Or should I let it go and forget, knowing that when inevitable end of our studies come this summer, a lot of friendships will just (sadly) die anyway? I'd like to know your opinions about all this.

Cheers,
Racter
 
Why her? Was it a matter of availability and no other options from your perspective? How was she special other than she talked to you? Remember, I don’t know you. You said for a while you hung out a lot for a while, did you ever kiss her?
Why is it important to you to rebuild the friendship? If she was willing to rebuild the friendship based on friendship alone and nothing else would that be good enough for you?
I’ve been on both ends of this. From what you have stated here my guess is that she did consider you a friend but not more. Theres that little gap you have to bridge that doesn’t always get bridged. You have to decide if friendship really is more important than your ego\wants and desires. Or is the idea you want to befriend her again just to work at making it something more in the end?
BTW my has nothing to do with taking into account she was\is an INFJ.
It might be possible to rebuild something like that assuming you are fine with just being friends. I don’t think it would be easy and would take a lot of hard work. You might try contacting her and telling her you are sorry. That you miss hanging out and that you fully understand she has no interest in you as anything other than a friend. See if she responds to that. Whatever you do, you have to mean it and respect what she tells you.

My two cents, a singular perspective.

Im still thinking about this. There is no cure. There is nothing you can learn from people typing at you that will solve this. You just have to be honest with her, fully and hope an expect that when she responds she is doing the same with you. It sounds to me that when she said "I could have manipulated you" it means she did not realize she was giving any signals to you that she thought of you as more than a friend. Just a note.
 
Last edited:
Eventhorizon said:
Why her? Was it a matter of availability and no other options from your perspective? How was she special other than she talked to you? Remember, I don’t know you. You said for a while you hung out a lot for a while, did you ever kiss her?

I think I have emphasized 'pursuit of relationship' too much. It was long time ago, and I'm not in love with her anymore; I just thought it might be relevant to include this story.

Eventhorizon said:
If she was willing to rebuild the friendship based on friendship alone and nothing else would that be good enough for you?

Definitely. After all these years, I have no intention to seek more.

I am quite lonely person. I don't have many friends and finding one is very troublesome for me. As an INTJ, I'm kinda used to be alone, but sometimes I wish I had some sort of 'spiritual connection' with someone, to share ideas and thoughts. In terms of MBTI, the Ni-Ni connection between INTJ and INFJ has great potential, but that's it - "potential". We have had many interesting talks, which displayed this potential, but...
Maybe I'm just chasing ghosts, I don't know...

Eventhorizon said:
You might try contacting her and telling her you are sorry. That you miss hanging out and that you fully understand she has no interest in you as anything other than a friend. See if she responds to that. Whatever you do, you have to mean it and respect what she tells you.

That would be good thing, I guess, but the whole situation took place nearly three years ago... and somehow it's still bothering me a little, but in kinda different way than in the beginning. At first, there was sadness and bottled up anger. Then it was regret and helplessness. Now it's difficult to describe, but regret still remaining.

Eventhorizon said:
There is no cure. There is nothing you can learn from people typing at you that will solve this.

I know it and I don't expect so. Getting it of my chest was relieving, tough. I wish I had done it when it could have helped me more...
I often reflect about my life, about my relationships with other people, and sometimes, I just wonder if some of the things that I've done wrong could be fixed, or should I leave them as belonging to the past.

Eventhorizon said:
It sounds to me that when she said "I could have manipulated you" it means she did not realize she was giving any signals to you that she thought of you as more than a friend. Just a note.
That's true, probably, but she seemed to like the attention at the time. But then, I'm an INTJ, and not really emotionally mature to be honest. It's very difficult for me to pick-up on 'signals', but I guess I'm getting better.

Cheers
 
If getting it off your chest is enough I suppose you are on your way. If not and you feel like you need more closure whatever etc... If you contact her my suggestion is do so from the heart. Explain exactly what it is that is bothering you, be honest and again be willing to accept the response you get no matter what it is.

You could reopen old wounds in the process, make them worse etc. All things you would have to deal with. However I have found that regret sucks. Life is too short for regret so if you feel as if you would regret not trying to patch things up more than trying to...its something to consider.
 
Thank you, Eventhorizon. I think I'll contact her eventually.
Of course, MBTI is more of a fun observation than exact science, but I'd be glad if one of the INFJ ladies here gave an opinion. I know that everyone is different and such, but I'd like to know how an INFJ woman might feel about such situation...

Unfortunately, I think that this enormous wall of text which blatantly violates basic rules of grammar has successfully scared them away xD
 
I had a romance with an INFJ lady once. Greatest thing I've known.
 
Thank you, Eventhorizon. I think I'll contact her eventually.
Of course, MBTI is more of a fun observation than exact science, but I'd be glad if one of the INFJ ladies here gave an opinion. I know that everyone is different and such, but I'd like to know how an INFJ woman might feel about such situation...

Unfortunately, I think that this enormous wall of text which blatantly violates basic rules of grammar has successfully scared them away xD

Yep.
 
I didn't even notice the grammar. I was captivated by your post from beginning to the last reply. Four years younger than you, but I know loneliness quite well, thankfully I also know solitude. I also know the agony of completely gushdunkenflupping a relationship. As a male INFJ and hopeless romantic I offer to you my testimony: I'm totally bonkers. More on this later; I'm hopped up on sleeping pills now and it is beyond the clock to hit the hay.

I'll be back!
 
Okay so I'm back and don't really know what to say, as there is little I am qualified to say given my situation.

My romantic life as I know it today is a prepared campfire that I am attempting to ignite. The tinder is in the pit and there are sticks, logs, and paper cups near me just begging to be set aflame. The weather is favourable and the conditions are ripe, but my spark is stubborn to come to life; any flame produced flickers out even as I am lighting it. When will my spark take hold of it's environment and become a blazing fire?