noisebloom's Top 10 Best Worst Movies | INFJ Forum

noisebloom's Top 10 Best Worst Movies

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  1. noisebloom

    noisebloom theory conspirer
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    This is almost an exact duplication of what I posted on the previous personality forum I used to visit (so perhaps I'm sabotaging my own "anonymity", though I have not exactly been discreet [but definitely discrete]).

    ----

    Note: This list needs to probably be revised to include Fateful Findings, which is likely to cause permanent brain damage sometime during the movie (and would probably fare well on my list). Maybe Ninja III: Domination, as well...

    Anyone who knows me well knows that I enjoy extremely good things and extremely bad things, with little patience for that in between. Examples include both enjoying intricate IPAs and Bud Light Chelada, being completely absorbed in Portal 2 and Goat Simulator, and perpetually about thinking about the movies Adaptation and The Room.

    So this is my best worst movie list. I'm not defining "best worst" as movies that are just barely bad that they are actually quite good, but instead "the most enjoyable worst movies". These are the "so bad it's good movies", usually because of the humorous value they provide. These also tend to be movies that came out during my lifetime, i.e. 30 or less years old. I know I'm probably missing some classics, but I'm not deeply invested in watching really bad movies as I should be (shame on me).

    I have them ranked; #1 is the best worst movie I've ever seen (has the highest combined total of terribleness and awesomeness), whereas those lower on the list are either not as bad, or not as enjoyable. Here we go:


    10. The Wicker Man (2006)

    The Wicker Man is an educating experience in how to fail at making a remake. Not only is everything that transpires in the movie unconvincing and absurd, it's so incredibly bland and slow that you start to look at the room around you nervously. This movie tries to tease you: "Heeeey, baby, you feel that tension?" No, no I don't. So it doesn't really build, because there's nothing to build upon. And finally, it just has a climax that only feels like a climax because it's so incredibly comical. This movie only made this list because there are a small handful of scenes that are so stupidly funny that I could watch them over and over. Otherwise, the movie is kind of painful. Also, this is supposed to be a horror film. I forgot about that until sometime during the credits.

    o fuk:



    9. Fantastic Four (1994 - unreleased)

    Oh yeah... Those Fantastic Four movies from 2005 and 2015 were shit, right? But that doesn't even scratch the surface. Even before that, there was a much shittier Fantastic Four movie, so bad that it never saw the light of day. However, I just so happened to see it, so you don't have to.

    Yeah, of course the low-budget special effects do the film no favors, but that's not even why this movie is hilarious. It's almost as if an alien that didn't understand human interaction wrote the dialogue for the film, and then his alien buddies that also didn't understand human interaction put on human meatsuits and tried to act. Also, who are the bad guys in this movie? Is it these guys or those guys? Are they both bad guys? What's even happ- fuckit.

    the entire movie:



    8. Hackers (1995)

    Anyone who has even a slightly above-average knowledge about technology owes it to themselves to see Hackers. This movie is the quintessential hacking movie, and every moment is cornier than the last. To sum up the movie: everything is extremely overstated. The dialogue is overstated - "Look at the pooper on that one!" The characters are overstated: why is everyone in this movie an extrovert? Most of all, the concept is overstated. The technology depicted in the movie is so unbelievably sexualized, it's incredibly tickling... and it only gets better with age, because of all the anachronisms.

    If you don't believe me, just watch this clip:




    7. Antitrust (2001)

    More recently, I saw a movie about technology worse than Hackers. Much worse, and I may have laughed harder, as well.

    Antitrust is essentially a movie about Bill Gates murdering people. That actually sounds pretty great on paper (especially if it were a slasher film), but the entire movie is about Ryan Phillippe investigating some suspicious activity at Microsoft (essentially). So you watch him investigate, and investigate some more, and over an hour in you're trying to figure out what the plot is, why you care, and if the screenwriter has ever read any sort of story ever. On top of this, every scene and piece of dialogue in the movie is so cheesy that you're trying to gasp for air. Just like in Hackers, the culture of coders is greatly exaggerated, and you get great scenes like two guys watching a hot chick walk by, one of them commenting that "She's heavy into graphics". Great bad movie.


    6. Troll 2 (1990)

    Things are just getting interesting. Troll 2 is really just a classic horror B-movie, but it's a lot more stupid, ridiculous, and unhinged. The movie is about goblins that want to turn a bunch of people into vegetables for consumption. Yeah. Not trolls, either: goblins. Typical hilarious cheesiness ensues, blah blah blah. I think context makes the movie even more terrible, though:
    • Troll 2 has no relation to the movie Troll, and none of the same people were involved. This was a marketing gimmick.

    • The movie was made to protest vegetarianism.

    • Very few of the "actors" in the film are actually actors.
    Also, there's a weird popcorn sex scene.

    it's great when characters narrate what they see before they react:


    5. Face/Off (1997)

    The 90s was an era of almost too much progress. Things were changing quickly and we were just embracing them. We ate up all the new music and movies, only to realize how sick we felt after the year 2000 came around.

    Face/Off certainly seemed badass in '97. Now... it's so incredibly over-the-top and cheesy that it's hard not to laugh at pretty much everything that happens, from the opening credits to the end. I promise: rewatch it. Also, you will cry. Tears will flood from your eyes when Nic Cage says "I could eat a peach for hours". Where do they get this shit? Nicolas Cage and John Travolta amplify each other's terrible acting, especially when they are acting as each other, and this movie reminds us that the 90s were a time of style over substance. One of the funniest movies I've ever seen.

    my favorite scene. it's so difficult to forget about the loss of pinkus - phenomenal dramatic pause:



    4. Vampire's Kiss (1989)

    Nic Cage again? but he's so gud

    Vampire's Kiss is actually one of my favorite movies of all time. It's difficult to describe, but it's simultaneously one of the best and worst movies I've ever seen. I want to say that it's a dark comedy, but some of it is so bad that it's hard to believe it was intentional. Like, maybe the organic terribleness of it augments the intentional terribleness. Anyway, Nic Cage plays an executive who thinks he's turning into a vampire (and is he?), and... I can't really describe this. It's just a very surreal. Also, this is probably Nicolas Cage's worst acting; it's just so over-the-top (I think he created his own accent...), but perhaps that was desirable? This movie is a fucking enigma.

    Just see Vampire's Kiss. It's beautiful.

    i can watch this all day:



    3. The Miami Connection (1987)

    The Miami Connection has it all: a plot that barely makes sense, hilariously unrealistic action deaths, really terrible actors, dialogue that makes you spit your beer out, etc. Has anyone seen the movie Black Dynamite? Well, The Miami Connection is kind of like if Black Dynamite was not satirical, but intentional. Also, the main characters in this movie are in a band called Dragon Sound that play 80s music more terrible than any parody I've ever seen.

    the whole movie:



    2. The Room (2003)

    o hai denny

    The Room is pretty well known for being a terrible movie. I think part of this is because it's so uniquely terrible: it's unlike no other movie that came before it. The director, writer, producer, and star Tommy Wiseau has perhaps never had a real conversation with anyone in real life, from what I can tell after seeing the movie. I'm not really sure what the movie is about, other than the life of a protagonist that other people either love or betray. There is some serious ego behind this movie... it's as if Tommy Wiseau needed validation so badly, that he made a movie about him being wronged by all the people he helped out. Anyway, the movie is inexplicably bad, and none of the interactions between the characters make any sense. Sometimes, characters change opinions in a single conversation without any explanation. There are also three sex scenes in the movie, which you can tell were really the same sex scene, but cut up. It's also strange that Tommy Wiseau is trying to make love to that actress's bellybutton.

    I'm not posting a video clip for this one. There are hundreds of clips out there of this movie, and you just need to see it to believe it. This is neo-neo-sociopathic-surrealist film-making, some crazy new genre which will become a standard in 200 years on some planet in another universe.

    Addendum (06/07/18): The Disaster Artist, a film based on a book about The Room, is very much worth watching. Besides the enlightening context, it is hilarious.


    1. Things (1989)

    I will never forget the day I saw Things.

    Things is a traumatic movie experience. A group of guys from Canada with ostensibly sub-100 IQs decided to make a fucked up horror film. So... they achieved the fucked up part, but none of them had any idea of how to make a movie.

    "Maybe you should have the character put a cassette player in the freezer for some reason."

    "Cool. And then should he mess with all the lamps in the room?"

    "Yeah, that'd be perfect."


    Yeah, none of this movie makes sense. I guess it's about... some sort of scientific experimentation and these, well, things, but it's not really meant to be understood. Most of the movie is just some characters in a house chit-chatting and making jokes that don't make sense:

    "How do you get paper children?"

    "What?"

    "How do you get 'em?"

    "How?"

    "You fuck a bag lady!"


    The movie is so bad, you can tell one of the actors got sick of it, so his character inexplicably disappears when he's in the kitchen, and he is never acknowledged again. Eventually, the movie just devolves into weird sounds and screaming.

    I'm not actually sure how much I actively enjoyed watching this movie, but I "enjoy" the impact it has had on my brain. I now realize that there are no rules with filmmaking. Plot is non-essential. Characters just make sounds. You don't need to make something like David Lynch or Lars Von Trier to really create something fucked up. You just need to get drunk and make a bad movie. That's all you need.

    Please don't watch Things, unless you want your mind blown (in a good and bad way).

    ---

    So... anyone else have any really good bad movies they want to recommend?
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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    This is the best worst list ever
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
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  3. OP
    noisebloom

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    o ty
     
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  4. hauteur

    hauteur Regular Poster

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    How about Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park? 1978. Just watch the preview. All you need to know...

     
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