No expectations? | INFJ Forum

No expectations?

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We live in a world where less expectations means less disappointment or fear. If you expect too much or very little, you're just as likely to be disappointed.

But is it a healthy philosophy? Does this approach always work?

Here are a few quotes on the topic:

Anger always comes from frustrated expectations. - Elliot Larson

I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” Gestalt prayer

 
I think there are two sides on this 'no expectations' thingie.

There's one who puts no expectations and lives happier. They understand people have their own flaws, that the best can be wrong, that no matter what you expect, hope, or even -do-, well, some things can't be changed. So they choose to face the reality, deal with the here and now, and that flawed as people are currently, there are still goods in everything. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

There's another who puts no expectations and lives...well, just there. They focuses on the bad, the ephemeral, the temporal nature of EVERYTHING, and since everything can be fucked up, everything can go wrong, everyone can change, nothing is permanent.... Why bother? Putting expectations is just going to make me angry, anyway, so I'm going to do whatever I want, you can do whatever you want, screw things like growing up and being better.

Two sides of the same coin, I think. Albeit I personally think there's a difference between having no expectations and putting no expectations.

I personally like a healthy side of expectations. In the form of hopes and dreams, turned into plans and goals. I added a personal caveat (no matter what happens, it's the journey not the destination; the important thing is you TRY). And in terms of relationship, a certain expectations also arise, namely 'wishing them well.' Yes, you are totally capable of handling your own life, but really, a) I personally don't trust those who're always agreeing with me, and b) isn't preventing your friend from making stupid decisions or being stupid part of the package? /Fe

I don't think it's very wrong to dream or to expect, but it's wrong to be angry when it goes unfulfilled.
 
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I don't know. I think that when you have low expectations, you and others tend to live down to them you know? I think a big part of integrity is holding yourself and others to high expectations. I also agree with [MENTION=2172]Trifoilum[/MENTION]. For me, it's more about the process and less about the goal. Setting the bar high and working towards it is the point isn't it?
 
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I have high expectations, the highest are reserved for myself, but I tend to get less disappointed since I accepted that most people will not live up to them, and that it is all right, world will not fall apart and that doesn't necessarily mean their intentions are malicious or that they don't respect me. People have different values and priorities hence their view of what is to be expected from them tend do be very different.

I don't believe that lowering one's expectations will guarantee happiness to that person.
 
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I think we’re speaking in generalities here. Having “no expectations” versus “high expectations” cannot be measured on an absolute scale. It largely depends on where you apply this philosophy, why you apply it, and precisely what we as individuals mean by “no expectations.”

In the most literal sense of the term, which both Trifoilum and Ryo seem to be adopting, no expectations means taking life as it comes; no particular goals or desires or and often hints towards a general lack of passion. You get what you get, and you’re either happy to have it or too meek to maybe wonder if you deserve more. Applied to something like career or one’s general future, that can be a rather dangerous and risky attitude—if not very unhealthy--and I don’t believe that’s a good mantra to live by at all.

But in some situations (assuming our safety and self-respect is assured) sometimes little or no expectations can allow us to reap the benefits of spontaneity. For instance, if we haven’t experienced something before, walking in with too many expectations (positive or negative) can be more of a hindrance than an advantage. Instead of checking up against our preconceived assumptions and desires, we open ourselves up to the moment. Maybe we'll notice something that we would have never noticed before, or meet someone new or try something that we never really thought of trying before. If we don’t have this conscious map/check-list we’re expecting ourselves and our experiences to follow, we’re giving ourselves an opportunity for growth.

As with everything, I think there has to be balance. There’s no real scale that determines what’s a low expectation and what’s a high expectation and whether you’re right or wrong in defining either as such; but generally speaking, I think it’s a positive thing to take regular inventory of what it is you expect from yourself and other people, and indeed, life in general. Sometimes, your own expectations can surprise you—sometimes you’ll realize they’re too low and sometimes you’ll realize they’re nigh impossible to reach. It’s important to know which expectations you can adjust—for the sake of being fair, for kindness to yourself and others--and which ones you absolutely will not lower, to anyone’s favour.

The key here, then, is both knowing and trusting yourself.
 
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I'm not sure a person can have no expectations in the first place. People want things, its just our nature.
 
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I do not have high expectations of others except where there is obligatory responsibility. :)
 
I gave this some thought and yes, I do live with a good bit of expectation...more the expectation of adventure, of what is around the corner. These could be simple, barely noticable things, since I am very easily amused. I suppose this sense of expectation could carry even into the afterlife, but since I have enough to occupy me here, that expectation is fairly general and non-specific.

However, when it comes to people, I do not have many positive expectations at all. Unfortunately, I have little experience that would warrant such a thing....so I simply defer on that and let people be and do as they wish. Occasionally I am surprised and, nice as that is, it is generally only for a season. Again, my mode here seems to be simply to defer on expectations of any kind.
 
TDHT brought up a good point. Having a pre-disposed idea or concept about how something or someone will turn out (behave) can be negative in that what you look for is what you'll get. This attitude rules out experiencing something completely new or spontaneous. Many call this "clinging to an outcome". If you have total control over the potential outcome - then the goal/ideal makes sense. If not - well - you could be setting yourself up for some suffering...

Having ideals to strive for: You - me - groups - communities - the world....these are worth dwelling upon, codifying, desirous, when it comes to bettering the greater good.

The problem comes in when we have an ideal - or expectation - of a certain result - and the end result does not match our picture we have in our mind - and then we cling to (or strongly hold on to) the fact the reality does not match our expectation.

For example: I walk into a shoe store and I expect a sales person to (eventually) show up and help me locate a pair of shoes. When no one does, I get frustrated - perhaps angry. At this point there are a few directions I can take with my thought/emotion pattern going on in my head. I can continue to get angrier, stomp around the shoe store glaring at other people, muttering about how awful this place is, bump into a small child, knock them down, etc.
Or - I can get depressed and declare in my mind: "This always happens to me, I don't know why I bother to shop at all, there's no reason for me to be here, there's no reason for me to be....".
Can you see how I'm clinging or holding on to my failed expectation? Can you see how it is causing me mental suffering that I'm creating in my own mind?

Now, once I've realized I'm making myself miserable, I can let go of that emotion/thought pattern, take a deep breath, and proceed to the "service desk"; calmly ask them if there is someone who can help me. Or I can tell them I'm quite disappointed in this store and will never come back. Either way, I've kept my ideal - my expectation of what I consider good shoe store shopping experience and I'm not suffering any more.

It's the holding on or clinging to one's expectations that cause the problems. NOT the expectations.

Another example:
I thought my husband, my mate, my partner, should help me out in all of my endevours. The role of spouse is well defined in my head and I expected him to live up to the role. When he did not, due to his own limitations, I eventually became very angry and kept holding on to the idea that he should change himself - or get some therapy - or Something - in order to fulfill my expectation of the role of my spouse. I made myself very miserable by holding on to that ideal. I made him miserable too, for a long time. When I look back on this time, I wish I had been more aware of my clinging. Because as soon as I let go of holding onto the illusion, my life became much easier as I began to accept the reality. I was able to make better decisions for me. I was able to take care of me.

Having ideals, expectations, and goals in our life give us meaning, excitement, and I like to think, a better world to live in. Sure, there is a fine line to walk because one has to figure out just how much they can control within their expectations. But clinging and holding on only delays the inevitable, the disappointment when reality does not match up to our fantasy. Better to let go, and see what really is, so as to find solutions to why it didn't meet up.
 
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Theoretically, the best expectation makers expect things to go wrong, and build alternative plans according to it. :p

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But really, as with what [MENTION=2578]K-gal[/MENTION] said, the healthier choice is learning how and when to let go of our expectations. And reacting accordingly.

and [MENTION=1360]TheDaringHatTrick[/MENTION] gives a very, very good point. Also, It's not so much black and white, as it is shades of grey. I'd assume certain things we put little to no expectations, while others we put a lot (The taste of today's coffee vs what our future soulmates will be like, for example.)
 
Theoretically, the best expectation makers expect things to go wrong, and build alternative plans according to it. :p

Yes, this is the basis of crisis management. It assumes that something can go wrong and will so we plan ahead to deal with potential threats or eventualities. If we don't anticipate things happening, then it's difficult to handle unlikely events.

In other words, we have to have some form of expectation if we're going to live, even it's putting one foot in front of the other expecting that we won't suddenly fall down once we make the next step.