No contact/Relationship needs not being met? | INFJ Forum

No contact/Relationship needs not being met?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by raeofsunshine, May 29, 2015.

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  1. raeofsunshine

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    So i've been seeing a guy since last year and he suddenly got busy with work after a few months right when I started to have strong feelings, and he did warn me at the beginning that it it wasn't a good idea to try and do it because he was super busy BUT apparently he was also occasionally able to find time to see his other friends (I don't know what he's been doing all the time but sometimes he's told me about seeing a friend)...now I've seen that a lot of dating "experts" or w.e say that guys might try that when things are about to get serious because they want to test boundaries and they can also pull away as well because they still want their freedom. So I've been trying to pull away and see if he misses me and it's made him text me a few times. You're supposed to cut contact with them for 30 days which is supposed to make them realize that you're not waiting around for them and make them pursue you more. Anyway, I'm wondering if this is the way to go. I don't want to seem needy so I definitely don't want to text first all the time (I did this before) and I don't want to give up on this but at the same time, I miss him a lot and he's in my head so much that it's driving me crazy. I guess I'm kind of needy (slightly) relationship wise just for reassurance and quality time but don't let on about it (which apparently tends to be an INFJ thing). So I'm wondering if I should just forgo the no contact thing and send a text saying that I like him but my needs aren't being met, etc. I just don't want to do anything that will make it seem like I'm a "crazy" girl. Argh I hate all these feels. Has anyone else been in this situation before?
     
  2. Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    Been through this, and I would recommend distancing yourself. Young, immature partners will sometimes tend to think it's cool to appear disinterested or unavailable even if they like someone. However, if he told you how he felt, but you are struggling to accept it, then that's something different. In some cases, when it starts to get serious, some may feel stifled because they are starting to feel things they didn't expect or maybe the relationship is heading in a direction they did not expect. However, instead of communicating, they use avoidance, distance, or dismissive communication because they're not sure how to handle it. Some people tends to use a lot of "busy" work to avoid dealing with an issue, or to avoid having to express negative feelings to a partner.

    I would recommend not communicating with him anymore if you can help it. You really don't need the heartache or stress that comes with someone who can't be available, sincere, or honest. When they are hot and cold, it becomes too much of a game and you may not really be sure it will work. Believe me, it hurts worst to stick around and be hopeful than to let it go. I know it's tough to ignore your feelings, especially if they are intense or strong. However, it will do more damage to attach yourself even further to someone who is not reciprocating. It's not healthy or worth it in the long run. This doesn't mean you should suppress your feelings or pretend it wasn't meaningful, because you have every right to feel the way you do, but don't waste time on someone who doesn't appreciate those feelings or doesn't appreciate you. You shouldn't need games to keep the interest of someone if they are really and truly interested.

    You shouldn't have to fight to keep someone's attention. Reserve that effort for someone who makes the effort, and makes you feel as if you are a priority in their life, not just when they have free time or when they're not busy. That's just an excuse, and a horrible one. When someone cares, they will make time. They may not be able to give you all their time, but they will make time. Your needs are important, and you have a right to expect them to be met with a partner who wishes to be involved with you. A true and considerate partner cares about your feelings, and would want you to feel secure, not confused. If a guy needs you to avoid him, just to remind him that you should be noticed, he's not worth it. Sorry. This is especially true if you're someone who values the emotional aspects more, and doesn't have casual relationships, and invests quite a bit of yourself in relationships. You don't need your heart being played like a yo-yo. It has better uses, and there more likely others who will appreciate it more.

    I am not sure how anyone enjoys a relationship by holding back. If you have to keep wondering what he is feeling or thinking, and if keeps making himself scarce, let him go. He's not being respectful or responsible partner. If he can make time for his friends, he should be able to make time for you. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship, yes I am going to say it, he should be "man" enough to tell you, and be honest (but respectful) about it, rather than showing interest one minute then unavailable the next. You don't need the headache or the heartache. Even if he's avoiding you because he doesn't want to hurt you, he's still being a coward. He should still be honest with you, so that you know where he stands. If he can't, then he's not the right one, even if your feelings are strong and intense. Sometimes, our feelings can lead us to pursue things that are not good for us in the long term. It maybe the hardest thing to accept and move on from, but it's better to let go now in the end.

    Edit: And just because someone doesn't make or return the effort, doesn't mean you don't deserve it. You're worth it. He doesn't deserve you.
     
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    #2 Gaze, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  3. INFJok

    INFJok Community Member

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    [MENTION=13773]raeofsunshine[/MENTION] I am recently going through the same thing. Emotionally too, about the "can't get him outta my head thing".

    A few months ago I met a guy online. We started talking about deep stuff and then he reached out to me through a personal direct message about how I should check him out on Facebook. I told him that I took mine down years ago due to family issues, which was true. He understood and explained that he had to but put his back up again recently.
    We chatted back and forth, and then he started asking me personal questions where I lived or if I went to college. I'm not in college now because I've sorta been self-sacrificing for the love of my family.

    I felt embarrassed about it and that he wouldn't understand (even though he's an INFJ!) so I flipped it around and started asking him questions. I didn't know if he was trying to be friendly or what.

    Fast forward 3 weeks later and I haven't heard from him.
    I message him saying,"I hope I didn't offend you in any way," and then he messages back "No you didn't and I'm sorry for making you feel that way," you know being a gentlemen...flaunting large intelligent words I didn't understand.
    He asked me what was going on and I confided in him about the 2 deaths I had in the family.
    He sent comforting words saying that they both were in heaven on clouds together, which I felt he was being a little extra so I teased him about being dreamy. Just a light tease.


    I asked him how he was doing," just short days, long nights," whatever the hell that means.
    The. we started talking about our interests. I asked hi a question, then 10 mins. afterwards he says, "Lol! Good night little lady. I enjoyed the conversation!" Wth?

    I messaged "good day". No reply.

    A few weeks ago I message, "Haven't heard from you. I know how INFJs can get! Lol "

    Been more than 3 weeks and he still hasn't messaged back.

    What a douche!
     
  4. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

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    You cannot invest more than you are being invested in.
     
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  5. Grayman

    Grayman Community Member

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    Why not back off from the relationship, not to let him know you are not going to wait around for him, but because you actually are not going to wait around for him?

    This happens to people your age so often. There are too many changes in your life, and yourselves, at this age to be in a serious relationship that lasts but sometimes it works. He probably is still figuring out what he wants from life and who he is and his place in the world. He isn't comfortable enough to add you, as a serious partner, in as another variable of life. Forcing it won't work and nor will manipulating the situation. You just need to establish your own life and wait for someone who is drawn to the life you built for yourself instead of forcing someone into it.
     
    #5 Grayman, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015
  6. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

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    If hes an introvert and busy with work then he might really be just trying to juggle his friends, work, and you at the same time whilst trying to find a way to find the solitary time he needs to recharge and de-stress and showing him some understanding towards that will go a super long way as he might really just be trying to breathe. Deadlines, friends and girlfriend can be a hard thing to get balanced out, and pushing too hard might cause him enough stress to want to decide against having a relationship. Especially at a young age, introverts will lean towards choosing work/education and friends over a girlfriend when things get too tough and they feel additional pressure from the GF vying for attention.

    If hes an extrovert then I think you're right on going with the experts advice.
     
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  7. Erlian

    Erlian Community Member

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    I'd like to emphasise this point:
    Don't play games, don't do the fake avoidance and distance if you don't really mean it.
    Do it for real. Mean it. Take distance. Try to forget him. Move on.
     
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